Two Years Out

Look at me - I am two years out from surgery. So much has changed in two years. And on top of everything, I'm famous!

I was laid off at the beginning of November. I was truly afraid that I would begin to eat - and undo all of the good that I have done over the past two years. But I HAVEN'T! I have thought about - no question - but I have immediately thought that it won't make me feel better. And through all of this, I have maintained.

I was working at a temp job - and there was a lady who came up to talk to me asking if we knew each other. I didn't know her. A few days later we got to talking during lunch. It came up that we had both had had bariatric surgery. Then she asked if I was on OH - THAT was where she knew me from! How cool was that!

I have been asked if I'm ready to move on - to forget about the surgery. I sure hope not! While I don't have the fears that immediately followed surgery - I do still have to work at this. As a recovering food addict - I will always have to examine what I put into my mouth. I will always have to think about the "why" - and the "what." And there will always be people who have questions for me - either about my journey - or thinking about their own journey.

Do I have any regrets? Only that I waited so long to do this. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat! 

Daytime TV

Those times when I am at home during the day, I often have the TV on for noise.  I just shake my head at the commercials.  You would be amazed at what you can purchase for $19.99 – and if you act in the next five minutes, they will not only double the order, but also give you all kinds of free gifts with your purchase, as long as you pay separate shipping and handling. If you don’t want to purchase anything – you can contact a lawyer for any kind for of problem you have.  And then there are the online universities that will give you a degree in any possible area that you want.  And if that isn’t enough for you – check out the life insurance policies.

Of course, it seems that these items are just simply too good to be true.  And if you have ever purchased any of these TV offers, you will most likely find that they really don’t work exactly as they promise to work.  So, the laundry folder – or the lint trap cleaner – or the device that chops, dices, and even makes julienne fries – winds up collecting dust in a corner of the laundry room, or in your junk drawer. 

We spend so much time chasing the elusive dream.  It might be a relationship.  It might be a job.  It might be a certain size or shape.  It might be acknowledgement from a specific group of people.  It might be a certain amount of money.  The truth is that none of these things brings happiness, and even when we obtain that which we think we want the most, it seldom brings the happiness we are looking for. 

So, where does happiness come from?  There is a clue in the parable of the talents.  The master is going away, and gives five talents (or bags of gold) to one servant, two talents to another servant, and one talent to a third servant.  When he comes back, and finds that the first two servants have doubled what he gave them, he says, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!”  (Matthew 25: 21 and 23, NIV)

Happiness does not come in seeking the things that we think we want.  Happiness comes from serving God and serving others.  When we do this with our whole hearts – we find that happiness is a byproduct – not the end itself.  Happiness is the journey, not the destination. 

Being Invisible

In our master bathroom, I wanted to keep the light coming in, but obviously did not want anyone to be able to see into the bathroom.  My solution was to take a clear, textured plastic shower curtain, fold it in half, and hang it in the window.  To make sure that no one could see in, Dave went outside at night, I turned on all the lights, and he stood outside.  He said that even with me standing right inside the window, he could not see anything more than vague shadows. 

So, a couple of days ago, I just had to laugh at my cat.  He loves to sit up in the window behind that curtain.  Of course, he was backlit, and I could see him.  I was talking to him, and he would not even look at me.  He thought he was completely hidden, and as long as he believed that, nothing I did or said would convince him otherwise.  When I walked over to the window, he would peek out from underneath. 

Since my last blog, I have been working at a temporary job.  I loved the commute – it was only two miles from my house!  Originally, I was told that the job would last through the end of March.  However, Monday, after I left work for the day, the temp agency called and said I wasn’t needed any more.  I felt invisible.  And unlike my Sonny, I didn’t like it.

Intellectually, I know that the very nature of a temp job is that it’s temporary!  But I hate feeling like a used tissue, and being tossed away as soon as they get all the use they can out of you.  I hate making friends and not being able to say “good-bye.”  I hate not getting any kind of feedback – “you did a good job” or “you could improve in this area.”  But it is part of the package.

Of course, I survived being let go.  And it wasn’t nearly as hard as being let go from my long-term job.  There is good news, too!  Since the temp job ended, I now have two interviews next week.  It looks like getting out of the invisible temp job might be the best thing that could have happened!  I will keep you posted!

Laughter Through Tears

I know, I know.  The very last thing I said I would do was blog – and then I haven’t.  I just haven’t.  I have to say that this has been a dark time in my life.  I want a job.  I have applied for dozens of jobs.  And I can’t get even a nibble.  I know I have the skills, but what I apparently lack is the right connection to take my application from the massive amounts of resumes submitted online to a real person’s desk.   But I trust that God is in control of this situation.

Still – it has been a rough few weeks emotionally.  Every day I have had to convince myself to get out of bed and get dressed.  Some days I even showered!  When I get depressed, I tend to withdraw, and because there are situations where I have to force myself to be in front of people – like church, and the choir concert, etc. – I expend a phenomenal amount of energy being “up.”  That leaves me completely drained when the event is over – so the depression deepens.  I don’t want to be around people…I don’t want to write…I don’t want to do anything.  Decorating the tree was particularly hard this year.  Normally, it is a time when we have friends over – we laugh – we listen to Christmas music – we reminisce over who gave each ornament.  This year, Dave helped me set the tree up – but I decorated it alone.  And it took me a while – because I kept crying.

However, I am HAPPY to announce that the house is decorated for Christmas (completely – although I did NOT do all that I have done in previous years).  The house is clean (mostly).  I have already worked on some goodies – although I am certainly NOT doing everything I have done in prior years.  The package, what little there was, has been sent to Canada, and should arrive any day.  And through this stress, I have not reverted to the one thing I feared the most – eating!  In fact, I have actually lost weight since losing my job.  I FINALLY broke the 200-pound mark – that I have been hovering around since February.  I am wearing size 16 jeans! 

During this time, God has shown His provision in a mighty way.  We have not gone without the basic necessities.  Through His beautiful people, He has touched our lives over and over again.  We have been blessed beyond belief – and continue to trust that He will provide, even when we don’t see the how.  Every time there has been a need, there has also been a way. 

And this year, more than ever before, Christmas is about the Baby lying in a manger.  Not about the decorations.  Not about the presents.  Not about the food, or getting together with friends and family, or about the concerts.  It’s about the BABY – and nothing else matters.

Stress is All Around!

It has been a stressful year.  My husband and I separated.  We reconciled.  He left his job.  He couldn’t find another job.  My Dad needed to have a pacemaker.  I sold my van.  A much bigger company purchased my company.  I bought a used car.  My car was stolen.  Several good friends were laid off.  Some beautiful people bought me another car.  I was laid off.  And that is just in MY life.  All around me, people were diagnosed with disease; friends lost loved ones; houses burned down; accidents happened.  Stress is all around every one of us.  Even though not all of these things are bad – they still have stress associated with them.

Different people have different ways of dealing with stress.  Some people turn to drugs or alcohol.  Some people take it to the gym – and pour it into exercise.  Some people turn to food.  I am one of the food people.  In my past – the more upset I am about something, the more I ate, and I wasn’t eating things that were good for me.  And I ate until I was the size of a house.

When I was laid off, I was afraid that I would turn to food.  And I must admit, there were a couple of times that I said to myself, “I should eat…”  But I am so very happy to report that I didn’t do it.  I had the thought, yes, but I immediately followed that thought with, “No – that won’t make me feel better.”  In the two weeks that I have been unemployed, I have actually lost a couple of pounds.  

Don’t get me wrong – I do not think I have arrived.  I believe I will always have to be conscious of what I am putting into my body.  But I do think I have turned a corner.  I haven’t turned to food this year – even though there has been a great deal of stress in my life.  I don’t know what 2012 will bring – but I do believe that I have the tools in place to deal with anything that happens.  

And my apologies for not blogging the last two weeks.  I was denied access to my computer at work, and had to get special permission to get this document from there.  I have it now, and I will continue to blog from here on out.

Through the Tears

She is so strong.  A young mother has faced a horrible illness.  She has pumped her body full of poison to remove the disease from her body.  But it came back, and now she is facing surgery that will removed the parts of her body that have been ravaged by this infirmity.  She has tried to be tough for her two young children, for her friends who don’t know what to say, and for her church family that has admired her grace through this unbearable ordeal.  But last night it was too much.  We pulled up next to her in the parking lot of the church building where our community chorus practices.  I knew just by looking at her that something was wrong, so as we simultaneously stepped out of our cars, I just opened my arms to hug her.  And this brave, beautiful, resilient woman collapsed into my arms and started sobbing.  My heart broke alongside hers as we shared tears. She cried until she didn’t have any more tears, her body shaking with pent up emotion.  Eventually we were joined by several other women in the chorus – all of us standing in the parking lot – supporting a sister who was hurting so much.

Afterwards, she repeatedly apologized for breaking down.  She said she has tried so hard to hold everything together.  Even in the middle of everything she is going through, she is thinking first and foremost of the other people in her life.  It is not an act – she knows God’s peace intimately – and trusts Him completely.  Still there are many emotions to dealing with a chronic, and potentially fatal, illness.  What will happen to her kids?  How can I explain this them?  Why is this happening to me? 

Our bodies were not made to hold in those feelings.  And while I admire and understand her desire to be strong for everyone else, I also know that to take care of herself, she needs somewhere safe to let those emotions out.  Last night, I was honored to be that place.  We talked for a long time after practice, and I encouraged her to continue to let those feelings out – whether it was with me or with someone else – because she cannot be strong for everyone else and focus on beating this at the same time. 

I have not faced this disease, so in some ways, I don’t understand.  But I have faced my own monsters, and done exactly what she has tried to do.  I put on my “church mask” – and smiled and said that everything was “fine” – when in reality all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I didn’t want to burden anyone – I was the person who always did for others.  How could I possibly ask anyone to do anything for me?  But God worked on my heart – and finally I was able to see that sometimes I need to accept humbly from other people – to give them the chance to reach out, and be useful, and to know that wonderful feeling of being there for someone else. 

My Dad has preached a series of sermons on what he calls the “one another” passages:

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”  (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV)

“Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.”  (Hebrews 13:1, NIV)

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds…” (Hebrews 10:24, NIV)

“Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.”  (Colossians 3:16, NIV)

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”  (1 Peter 3:8, NIV)

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.”  (1 John 4:7, NIV)

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  (Ephesians 4:32, NIV)

“Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.”  (1 Peter 5:14, NIV)

This is not a comprehensive list of the “one another” passages, but it is interesting to note that nowhere in any of these scriptures, does it say, “TERI these are only for you.”  These are given to everyone – and in order for me to fully obey them, I need to also let other people have the opportunity to respond.

In Sync

No, this blog isn't about boy bands.  It's about sharing a connection with someone.  Yesterday, Dave and I did something that we haven’t done since our wedding…we had professional pictures made.  I must say – for decades now, I have hated having my picture taken!  I hated the fuss – I hated the time it takes – and I really hated the results!  Slowly, my attitude is changing about all of that – and we decided that it was time friends and family had an updated photograph – that shows where we are right now.

A friend took the pictures at a beautiful location – a small, old-fashioned town near where we attend church.  He took pictures up and down the main street and on the nearby railroad tracks.  He is a phenomenal photographer – and has a remarkable eye.  He sent us the raw pictures last night – and asked us to pick three that we particularly liked – and he would work those for us so that we can send them as Christmas presents – then he plans to finish the rest as he has time.  This works perfectly for us.

He sent us 109 pictures – and we have to pick our three favorite poses!  He took several in the same pose – enough to give us a variety of choices.  Dave and I decided to each look at them separately – write down our favorites – and then compare notes.  We zeroed in on the same three pictures!  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this – it isn’t the first time that we have independently chosen the same thing from an assortment of options.  Maybe it comes from being married to someone for 17 years.  Maybe it comes from knowing the other person as well as we know ourselves.  All I know for sure is that something that could have taken several hours to compromise on – we finished in a matter of minutes. 

Fortunately, we have also had a “like mind” when it comes to this journey.  Both of us wanted me to be healthy, no matter what it took.  If that meant surgery, so be it.  If that meant changing opinions about what was a healthy amount of food, let’s do it!  If that meant learning to eat smarter, well, it’s part of the plan.  I think the changes in Dave’s mindset have been as dramatic as the changes in my brain.  Great things can happen when everyone is on the same page.

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, by sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.  On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”  (I Peter 3:8 – 9, NIV)