Tomorrow is the day. A lot of people have asked me, "Are you ready?" How can I possibly answer that?
To get where I am right now - I have had to do a lot of thinking about food - and it's role in my life. And in many ways - this is a deeply spiritual journey. There was a point in my life where the pain I felt was so intense and overwhelming - that I wanted to die. Perhaps the only reason that I'm here today is because as much as I wanted to die - I was absolutely terrified that I would attempt to take my life - and fail miserably. Could there be any greater humiliation? To live as the person who couldn't even commit suicide? At least, that was my thought at the time. I held a bottle of pills - and never opened them.
Food became my drug of choice...maybe the pain will go away. Maybe I will die from this. Maybe...
Only guess what? The pain did NOT go away. I did NOT die...even slowly and painfully. I loathed every bite - and yet, I didn't stop. The shame of not controlling my eating brought more pain - and I ate more...so there was pain on top of pain - and the pit got deeper...
Food is a necessity - while a person can go quite a while without food - still there comes a point that food is necessary. But when the need for food goes beyond basic nutrition - there is a very real problem.
I'm addicted to food. I eat - hoping the pain will go away, even though I have seen over and over and over again that it will not. It is only in learning to acknowledge the pain, to grieve the losses, to express those deep, dark emotions that I have found the reason to proceed with this. And God has been my strength in dealing with the pain. It certainly isn't something that I can possibly do on my own. Am I there yet? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I have spent my entire adult life trying not to feel. And those feelings are scary. But you know what - this isn't working anymore. So I'm learning, exploring, trying to become the person God made me to be.
The surgery tomorrow will not "cure" my addiction. Every day - I will have to make choices - choices to use food for what it was intended to be - basic nutrition - not as a drug, not as an escape. I do not for one minute think that I will always make the right choice. But I am making a start...
I woke up at 3;00 am thinking of my friend and being so happy for you! I have never for one moment regretted getting the band, and I would do the sleeve if I had the money! From those I have talked with about it, it seems to be more effective, so I am glad you made that choice!
ReplyDeleteCall me when you get home and let me know how you are! Allen has his biopsy today, so I will probably be busy being nurse tonight, but I will connect with you in the next couple days.
LOVE YOU! ANNIE
I am so thrilled that I get to journey with you on this amazing trip. A new life begins today, oh happy day. I am very, very proud for you that YOU took this giant step into your future. If, and when you need me, you know my number, the hour does not matter. Prayers and love always.
ReplyDeleteCheryl
Ahhh, Teri...what can I say here that I've not already told you? Maybe once again how proud I am of you and the amazing effort and accomplishments toward this journey in these last weeks ~ or maybe how thrilled I am for you that you're able to have this done so that YOU will see the wonderful and awesome person that the rest of us already see and love? Knowing you, maybe what I can say that will make you the happiest is, once again, what an inspiration you are and have been to me, especially in recent months and weeks and days, how you've helped me to realize things about myself through your process and even your thoughts. I will be home tomorrow and will be in touch very soon!
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Janet