Birthday Dinner

Tomorrow is my birthday dinner.  In my family, the birthday person gets to pick anything he or she wants for dinner, and my Mom prepares it to order.  With me, there is seldom any question…I want LASAGNA!  (I could very easily identify with GARFIELD – I love lasagna!)  Add a nice salad, and some garlic bread, and it’s a perfect meal in my book.  Of course, I will only have a tiny bit of lasagna, and a bite or two of the garlic bread (purely in self-defense, I promise!)  What I’m really looking forward to is the family time!  When Mom asked me what I want for my birthday dinner, I really had a difficult time deciding.  Lasagna is a long-time favorite of mine – but the truth is, I would have been happy with anything.  It seems funny, but what I eat is no longer my number one concern.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I don’t care. 

I guess that is further evidence that I have come a long, long way.  I haven’t arrived yet – but the journey so far has been incredible!  It felt good today to be able to cross off one of my goals: to be lose the weight that is putting such an enormous strain on my heart.  I’m so glad that my heart has improved.

Happy weekend to everyone!

Christmas in July

Every once in a while, something happens that is far beyond my expectations – something that lifts my spirits in a way that has to be from God!  Yesterday was one of those days.

It was supposed to be a regular check up with my cardiologist.  Once a year, he does an echocardiogram.  This is just a precaution – making sure that I am not losing ground.  Last year, I asked him if my heart was ever going to improve.  He replied that realistically, the best I could hope for was to maintain my current heart function.  I accepted that verdict without complaint, and made sure that I did what I could to maintain, working hard on dropping the weight and exercising. 

So yesterday, I went in – not expecting much.  While the tech is doing the echo, I thought I noticed improvement – but of course, I am not trained in reading all of the numbers, so I asked her what my EF was.  I know that techs don’t normally share their opinions, but the worst she can say is that she can’t tell me anything.  She did quite a lot more testing than she normally does.  And she said that it looked like my Ejection Fraction was somewhere between 40 and 45%, but that the doctor would have to verify that.  (The Ejection Fraction represents the percentage of the volume of blood that is pumped out of your heart with each beat.  “Normal” is 65 – 75%; when I first was diagnosed, my EF was 15%.  Last year, my EF was 30%.) 

I didn’t dare to hope that she was giving me accurate information, but the doctor confirmed it.  He was very surprised.  He also told me that my heart is no longer grossly enlarged.  There is still some enlargement, but it has definitely decreased in size.  And while there is sometimes improvement in the EF, there is seldom improvement for an enlarged heart.  They did other testing – one that included having me walk up and down a long hallway, where they had measured out 250 feet.  I did this for six minutes – and actually walked 1500 feet in that time (up and back three times.)  That was better than I have ever been able to do.  They immediately took me in and measured my oxygen saturation, and my blood pressure.  I was a little winded, but not anything like I have been in the past.  My ox sat was 88, which was a drop, but returned to 99 or 100 within a couple of minutes.  My blood pressure was very good at 120/78.  I recovered quite quickly, catching my breath easily. 

I feel like I have been given a present of incomparable worth.  I didn’t expect it, I’m not sure I deserve it, but I am ever so grateful for it!  I’m sure the doctor feels that it is a combination of the weight loss and the exercise.  And while I totally acknowledge that both things played a part in this, I KNOW that the biggest part is the prayers that so many people have prayed for me – and the answer God has given!  This was my hope from the very beginning, and to have so much progress makes me very glad I started this journey!

Medication

Last week I called in a refill for one of my medications.  I didn’t have any refills left – so the pharmacy called my doctor to get the refill.  Every Sunday night, Dave fills my weekly pill container – so that I don’t have to go through all of the bottles every day.  I didn’t need any of the refills until yesterday.  When I took my pills last night – it struck me odd that the medication in question was twice as big as it had been.  I checked the bottle – and verified that the dosage was twice as much as I had been taking.  This particular drug – potassium – can have dire consequences if there is too much in my system.  It is the drug that the infamous Dr. Death (Dr. Jack Kevorkian) used to neutralize the electrical conduction of the heart and stop its beating.  It is also used as the last of the lethal injections in the execution of criminals.  Since I already have heart issues – not paying attention to this could be fatal.

I called the pharmacy this morning to check on it – and found out that the pharmacy made the mistake – the prescription was written for the dosage I had been taking.  She said that it is good that I’m paying attention – and that it is an easy fix – I can simply cut the pill in half – and then I will have two months’ worth.  I don’t even want to think about what could have happened if I weren’t paying attention.  One dose might not be a problem (and in fact – I cut the pill last night – and only took half); but if this were doubled for a period of time, the effect would be compounded and cumulative.  I wasn’t trying to get anyone at the pharmacy in trouble – but the pharmacist assured me that this issue would be addressed – to keep it from happening again.

I will be going to the cardiologist tomorrow – having my annual echocardiogram and checkup.  I do not anticipate any problems – in fact, I’m kind of hoping that this will reveal some improvement with my heart.  (OK, in reality, that isn’t very likely – any improvement would have manifested some time ago, but I still hope.)  At the very least, I am praying that my heart has maintained its current status.  I may not be able to blog though; after I get to work, I will have to play catch up. 

Birthday Reflections

I had a GREAT weekend.  I didn’t DO anything particularly out of the ordinary – went to the pool, went to the movies, went to church, ate dinner after church with some friends, to name a few of my activities – but it was a wonderful weekend, regardless.

First of all, I had birthday greetings from many people – in person, on the phone, via text, with cards both electronically and through the mail, and through Facebook!  It is nice to know that so many people are thinking about me, for a moment anyway, on my special day.  People sang to me – people came to visit – people gave me lots of birthday hugs!  A big THANKS to everyone who took the time!

Next, I got my new driver’s license.  I’m really glad that I took the time to go to the DDS (Department of Driver Services) instead of renewing online.  I wanted a new picture, for obvious reasons, and I wanted to remove the restriction for corrective lenses.  (I had lasix surgery several years ago, but had never made that change.)  If you renew online, you cannot make any changes.  I don’t really want a ticket of any kind, but if I DO get pulled over now, I won’t mind showing my license.  And it really looks like me, so I can use if for identification!

Saturday night we got to go to the movies.  While this used to be a common occurrence, it rarely happens now as we watch our finances closely.  But when one of the local theaters was open at midnight last week for the opening of a much-anticipated movie – Dave got to deliver pizza for all of the theater workers.  Part of his tip included three movie passes – good for any movie!  We used them to the IMAX 3D theater – at over $15 each ticket – that turned into an amazing tip!  And we enjoyed our movie.

Worship service was wonderful yesterday!  Dave got to lead worship.  We taught the congregation “Days of Elijah” and people seemed to enjoy it.  And Dave sang the special music – “How Great Thou Art” – my all-time favorite!  I signed while he sang, and judging from the comments, it was really appreciated by everyone in attendance.

After service, we went out for dinner with friends – at a great restaurant.  It was so much fun just being there with everyone.  For the most part, it was the same group we go out with every Sunday, but it is good to fellowship with friends.

As I read this list and reflect on my birthday – I realize again how very blessed I am.  I don’t need things – I have PEOPLE – wonderful PEOPLE!  And that is the best present of all!

Worthy

Worthy (Friday, July 22, 2011)

I’m sorry I didn’t blog yesterday.  Everything was crazy busy, but I made it through the day – so here I am today!

I have thought a lot in the last few weeks about being worthy.  Today, one of my online Bible Studies talked about this very thing.  It hit home for me, and I feel like there is a message for many of my friends.  So, I’m going to post it here, giving full credit to the person who wrote it.  This is from a Bible Study called, “Girlfriends in God.”  If you are interested in receiving this study, you can sign up at www.biblegateway.com/newsletters.  My blog is a little long today, but it is important enough that I need to share it:

July 22, 2011

Who Defines Your Worth? ~ Gwen Smith

Today's Truth

“You are precious and honored in my sight...” (Isaiah 43:4a, NIV).

Friend To Friend

Last winter, I bought my daughter a really cute jacket at the mall. It's a hoodie that's made of a cuddly fabric with cream, lavender, and mint green horizontal stripes. The jacket zips up in the front and is well crafted, stylish, and simply adorable.

When I bought it, I felt like the price on the tag was a fair one, so I gladly pulled out my wallet and paid the retail amount. I was a kid in a candy store on the way home. I fully anticipated a shriek of happiness from my little bag of beans when I gave it to her. Delightfully, I wasn't disappointed. Kennedy loved her new coat, and I was pleased with my purchase. Happy dances all around - until a week later, when I saw the same jacket in the same store at a greatly reduced price. Are you tensing up with me? Suddenly, I felt schnookered! Ripped off. Taken advantage of. As soon as I saw the red line on the price tag of the unsold coats, everything changed - Kennedy's jacket wasn't worth what I paid for it.

When we speak of the worth of something, we often consider it to be a relative term. One that has shifting factors. For example, last week the cute jacket was thirty-nine dollars, and now it's nineteen ninety-nine. The jacket didn't change, but its perceived worth did.

Now, consider the worth of a woman. Are the factors that determine her value based upon variable, shifting factors or are they based upon fixed factors? Seems to be a silly question, doesn't it? Fixed, of course! But, if the answer is so glaringly obvious, why do we struggle so much as women with feeling worthless? Why do we walk around feeling like that red lined jacket? I think it's because we often allow variable earthly factors to define our worth.

What kind of variable factors?

There are so many reasons why women feel worthless:

Because they've been abused (raped, molested, physically abused, verbally abused...)

Because they've been told that they're worthless (by a parent, spouse, sibling, teenage child, or another...)

Because of choices they've made (divorce, infidelity, abortion, promiscuity, eating disorders, addictions, uncontrolled anger...)

Because they've been cheated on (infidelity, internet affair, pornography...)

Because they're co-dependent (conclude their value based upon other people - "If my husband isn't okay, I'm not okay.")

Because they don't collect a paycheck (stay at home moms that have left the work force, laid off employees, displaced employees, those on disability...)

Because they've battled an illness (unable to care for family, perform basic home duties, participate in ministry or Bible study like they once did, can't drive, cook...)

Unfortunately, the variable factors that we use to define our worth are endless. Many of us feel worthless. Why? We've felt ignored, invisible, insignificant, useless, undesired, ugly, unloved, or forgotten. We girls are emotional, broken in many ways. Great portions of our identity and of our personal value are wrapped into combustible packages of emotion - how we feel about this or that. The truth is, our worth has nothing to do with our feelings.

Trust me, I'm not going to try to convince you that I know everything there is to know about feeling like a woman of worth. Or about being a woman of worth. I am in the trenches with you. I struggle with normal woman things. I don't live a fancy schmancy, rose-colored wonder-life. I hit the snooze button several times each morning. I pack lunches for my kids. I spend countless hours of my life each year sitting in the car pool line. It's a never-ending struggle for me to keep the laundry done and my kids often have to fish for a matching pair of socks in the clean-clothes basket. My husband is my soul mate, but is far from perfect. For that matter, Brad should win a lifetime achievement award for enduring the drama of me! And my kids bring me both great joy and great frustration on a daily basis.

Is this sounding at all familiar to you?

See - I'm just like you, and I'm walking this faith journey right beside you. In fact, the more I know God, the less inclined I am to pretend to have life or faith figured out. Amen? I'm constantly tempted to define my worth with activities, emotions, and accomplishments. I've come to realize, however, that way of thinking is a spiritual dead end road. Scripture tells us that anything we do in our own strength or of our own goodness is of no value to God. "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6a, emphasis mine).

What I do know is this: because of Jesus Christ, I'm a woman of highest worth. Not because of anything else. I'm a grace girl. Not perfect by a long stretch. I've been changed by the unconditional love of God and restored to perfect beauty through the shed blood of Jesus. Because of love, we are His daughters, precious in His sight. In light of this, we need to set aside feelings that diminish our value, and embrace our proper identity: Child of the King of Kings.

Hear this, friend: feelings of worthlessness are from Satan himself. It burns me up that the enemy has such a strong grip on God's daughters in this area. We need to associate the word worthless with the word lie. That's exactly what it is, a big, fat lie! I talk to women all the time who bend a knee to negative feelings and live defeated lives because they don't quite know how to overcome their sense of worthlessness. God wants every one of us to experience healing and have an appropriate sense of self-worth.

So let's go back to Kennedy's new coat for just a moment. Imagine walking into God's department store. There on the rack, you spy a coat that is just plain fabulous - I mean stop-you-in-your-tracks fabulous! One-size fits all, the tag reads. Yeah, right, you whisper under your breath. Then you flip over the price tag and it's crazy expensive. Way beyond what you could ever dream of paying. Like, if you added up every dollar that ever passed through your hands - then multiplied that by ten thousand - that kind of expensive. Then imagine the storeowner walking over to you, slipping the coat off the rack and onto your shoulders.

"It's a perfect fit," He smiles.

"Sir," you manage with a whisper, "I could never afford such a coat. This is meant for royalty and I'm, well, just an ordinary girl."

"Oh precious woman, this coat is made especially for you, and the price has already been paid in full."

As the owner straightens the sleeves on your arms and adjusts the collar around your neck, you notice his hands - nail pierced hands. And suddenly you realize that this is the covering you were meant to wear all along.

You see, the Bible tells us that because of what Jesus did on the cross, we can be clothed with the "robe of righteousness." The apostle Paul tells us that when we are reconciled to God, we become His righteousness. "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21 ). There's no way we could ever afford or earn such a robe but Jesus gave His life for us - He earned it for us.  He paid the price and we receive the gift.  Why?  Because you're worth it. You are precious and highly valuable in the eyes of the One who sees. And you never, never, never have to worry about being on anyone's bargain rack again.

Let's Pray

Holy Father, I'm humbled at the very thought that I could be viewed as precious in Your eyes. Thank You for taking on my sin so that I could take on your righteousness. Please help me to see myself as You see me. Help me to thrive in Your beauty!

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

Now It's Your Turn

What came to your mind as you read today's devotion? Grab your journal and write about it.

Are you held captive by feelings of worthlessness? Spend a few moments in prayer and ask God to reveal truth to your heart about how He sees you.

Print or write out this verse: "I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands" (Isaiah 49:15-16, NASB). Set it to memory and allow it to serve as a reminder that you are precious to God.

More From The Girlfriends

I wish I could reach through my computer screen, grab your hands, and pray with you right now. I don't know what you are going through, but our loving Father is keenly aware of your circumstances, your feelings, and your needs. Please take heart in knowing that Mary, Sharon, and I are praying for you.

Today's devotion is from Gwen's book, Broken into Beautiful. Gwen's full testimony is featured in her book, along with Scriptural truths and stories of how God has brought restoration the hearts of many other women who had painful life wounds. God delights to transform lives ... including your own. Experience God's healing and hope in your life today as you read Broken Into Beautiful! To order the book, go to Amazon or, for a signed copy, visit Gwen's website: www.gwensmith.net.

NEED PRAYER? Visit Gwen's facebook page at www.Facebook.com/GwenSmithMusic. Today Gwen will designate her Facebook wall to prayer, so swing by and post a prayer need, then while you are there, pray for the needs posted by other GiGs.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Or maybe it should read, “Lift, Straighten, Repeat.”  I have really been making the effort to go to the pool and exercise every day.  I must admit, yesterday when I came home from work, it was really hot and sticky, and the LAST thing I wanted to do was walk down to the pool, especially when I looked out the window and saw dark clouds rolling in.  But I quickly changed into my swimsuit, and walked out the door before I could talk myself out of it.  As I trekked the half-mile or so to the pool, I watched the clouds, and was afraid I was going to be soaked before I ever made it to the pool.  The clouds turned out to be a lot of threat, but no follow-through, so I was glad I decided to go anyway.

The only person there when I arrived was the pool monitor.  I parked my belongings at the far end of the pool.  The water there is four feet deep – which is perfect to do the exercises I do.  I started by normally walking across the pool, with my arms to my sides, hands cupped just below the surface of the water to provide some extra resistance.  I did that four times across the pool.  Then I did deep lunges as I walked across the pool, deep enough to get my ears under water with each step.  I also did that four times across the pool.  Next, I pulled my knee all the way out of the water with each step – four times across the pool.  Finally, I ended with a combination of the knee out of the water and deep lunge – four times across the pool.

The next step is a variety of leg lifts.  I do 10 repetitions on each leg, for each leg lift that I do.  And every time, I make sure my foot (and sometimes my knee, as well) breaks the surface of the water.  I ended by doing some stretches – putting my foot on the edge of the pool, leaning over the raised foot, touching my forehead to my knee.  After 45 minutes of all of this, I really feel like I’ve worked hard. 

So, last night, I brought out my float.  We have floats that are mesh in the middle – and on hot days that is perfect, because your body stays cool in the water.  The wind was blowing hard last night, though, and while the water was comfortable, the air was quite cool.  I didn’t float for very long.  I got out, dried off, gathered my things and walked home. 

OK – I know this recitation of my exercises is boring.  However, I also know that there are several significant things about me doing this.  First of all, I am actually doing it – even when I don’t really want to, and even when there are reasons (like impending weather) for me to choose not to.  Secondly, I walked to and from the pool.  Half a mile may not seem like much, but when I consider that in my not too distant past, that distance seemed a cross-country hike, I’m thrilled that I am ABLE to walk that far.  Also, I’m excited that I’m able to do all the lifts – and lift my legs four feet!  200 pounds ago, I might have been able to lift them four inches!  (Thank you, K – and Yoga!)  Finally, I did all of this and didn’t absolutely collapse when I got home.  I did dishes, I cooked supper for my husband, and I took a shower. 

Exercise is definitely NOT my favorite thing in the world – but I do feel better when I make myself do it.

A Beautiful Quote

Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing that you're worthy of the trip.

I found this quote today on the Obesity Help website.  It was as if I was meant to find it.  Not only do I need to hear this – over and over and over again – but also I know so many people who need this message. 

Self-image plays a big part in the journey following weight loss surgery.  Most people have a horrible self-image by the time they actually decide to pursue surgery.  This is intensified by the world we live in – in subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, ways.  Physical beauty is idolized, and anyone who doesn’t meet certain criteria is considered sub-standard.  Many people have had relationships where they are attacked for being less than perfect – which diminishes self-image even further.  While it may not be true of everyone who chooses weight loss surgery, it is a fair bet that many people have only tatters of self-esteem left, which they clutch to themselves, desperately trying not to let anyone see their nakedness and vulnerability underneath.

As much as I would like to say my self-image has improved, and it really has, I can also say I have far to go in this area.  I still need reassurance about the clothes I am wearing.  I still need someone to tell me the advice I have given another person is accurate.  I still need to bounce ideas off a friend to make sure I’m not going wild.  I still want feedback that tells me I’m doing well – in whatever capacity I am currently working. 

Yet I get frustrated with friends who don’t know their worth!  I think I’m a pretty good judge of character and of people.  The people I consider true friends are WORTHY of my friendship – they are funny, and deeply spiritual, and compassionate, and beautiful – without exception.  I WANT them to feel confident and beautiful.  I WANT them to know how much they mean to me!  I WANT them to face their own battles with self-image, and come out victorious!  I TRULY WANT them to believe THEY ARE WORTHY.

Maybe the way for that to happen is for me to win my battle over this.  It has been a journey – and I don’t regret one second of it.