Yoga

OK - my first time out - and there was a lot I cannot do. But I did do quite a bit - and I must say - I slept like a baby, and stretching all those muscles feels wonderful! Like anything - I'm starting out slow - doing what I can do - and my instructor says that before long I won't believe how far I've come - and will laugh that I couldn't do everything right away. If you have never tried yoga - I urge to give it a try!

I have gone back and read some of my earlier posts - I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to follow through on this side of surgery. At 9 weeks out, I'm finally relaxing about that. I AM following through - I am making progress - and it shows.

I look at the back of my hands, and the inside of my wrists - and I see veins - real, honest-to-goodness, blue lines! The next time the doctor has to draw blood should be much easier. I was lying in bed the other night, and I could count my ribs! My husband said he suspected all along that I had them!

Every step towards my goal is progress - and the little signs along the way just confirm that!

9 Weeks Out (Yesterday)

I have lost 54.4 pounds since surgery; 63.2 pounds since two weeks pre-op; and 113.8 pounds since my biggest. I have dropped 9.9 points in my BMI and 17.8 points since my biggest.

Last night, I walked again with my friends at church. I measured the distance in the car later - 3/10ths of a mile.

Tonight I start the yoga class. I'm excited - and a little nervous, too. Not too sure what it will be like - or if I can even do it. But I'm committed to trying...tomorrow's blog will tell you how I liked it...

Have a great Thursday...

It's A Good Day

Finally - I seem to be back on track - I am weigh less now than I have for years and years. I'm just 23 pounds from my next goal - and that seems entirely doable within the next several weeks. I feel like a burden has been lifted.

I wish that I had listened years and years ago - when doctors and friends and family were first so concerned about the weight I was packing on. My first year of marriage, I gained over 100 pounds - there were reasons, and I'm not sure I could have done anything differently - but when I think of the health problems I endured through the years...When I think of the heartache brought on by such low self-esteem...When I think of the worry I caused my family and friends...When I think of the time I wasted NOT taking care of myself, I have serious regrets. I would love to say to every young girl, or every person my age - get control of this now! Don't live the life I lived - don't allow so much damage - don't let it become life or death! I know that if I said that to the friends I care about - they probably wouldn't listen any more than I did way back when.

So instead, I will say this - I'm here. If you are reading this - and you want to talk about it - I'M HERE. I will tell you honestly of my struggles through the years. I will tell you that you are not alone in any of your thoughts. I will open my heart, and let you see the scared, lonely, person I have been through all of this. I will talk about discrimination that overweight people face everyday - at work, at school, at the grocery store, at restaurants. And I will do anything and everything I can to encourage you to make the necessary changes to turn your life around - the sooner, the better!

I Did It!

Last night, my husband and I went for a walk in our neighborhood. We only walked 0.2 of a mile, but it is so much further than I have been able to walk in the past. We live one house from the corner. I have tried walking before - and got to the corner, and had to stop to gasp for breath. This time I made it to the corner - around the cul-de-sac - down to the next street and all the way back - and did not stop ONE TIME to catch my breath. When we got back to the house - I was not even seriously breathing hard. Whoohoo! That makes me so very happy.

I had to start the lasix again. One week off the lasix, and my feet were swelling, and I was having difficulty breathing, and I had gained 10 pounds. But I have now lost ALL of the weight I gained when I was off. I will try again - but I think I will try weaning myself off of it instead of doing it cold turkey. Maybe my body will adjust a little better that way.

So, I am 51 pounds down from surgery, 60 pounds down from the two weeks pre-op, and 110 pounds down from my biggest! And I'm not complaining.

Monday, Monday

I decided that in addition to all of the other changes in my life - I do NOT want to be ghost woman all summer. Yesterday was so pleasant - sunny, with a few clouds, but a nice breeze - I decided to sit out in my yard. I was only out about an hour, but I have some pink in my cheeks and on my shoulders/chest. You can see the marks from my bathing suit. A little bit at a time. The good news: apparently being off so many medications is going to make it a little easier. In the recent past - 15 minutes at midday would make me burn. Yesterday, an hour out - and while I did turn pink, it didn't hurt or burn. Whoohoo! Another thing to celebrate.

I'm back down to just about where I was before I stopped taking the lasix. That is a blessing.

Happy Monday to all my friends!

Finally - UPDATED

Some relief - last night my feet were swelling - not a good sign, so I broke down and took the lasix. My weight is down 4 pounds from yesterday - a sure sign that the fluid was building up.

I guess we will have to see what today brings - besides the fact that I have LOST my phone - so if you are texting / calling me - I'm sorry. I have no idea when / if I will be replacing my phone. THE LOST HAS BEEN FOUND - someone turned it into the "lost and found" in our building - and I have my phone back - a little disconcerting that the only missed call was when I tried to call and locate it, but all's well that ends well. LOL!

It has been a tough, tough week - there are things happening outside my control - and right now, I feel like I'm under attack. But God is on His throne, and He is bigger than anything else in my world - so I choose to trust him.

Seeing Some Progress

Although the weight has continued a slow climb, and I'm really frustrated about that - I am seeing some progress. Last night, after dinner at church, I walked the church parking lot with two friends. We chatted the whole way around. One friend said to me, "You know, it hasn't been that long ago you couldn't even walk 100 feet without becoming out of breath." She's right! To be able to walk any distance at all is my own personal little miracle - and to walk and still have enough breath to talk, is amazing! Granted, I didn't run a marathon - but we walked for a good solid 10 minutes - and it is a lot more than I have been able to do since long before I was officially diagnosed with congestive heart failure.

So, Dave and I are going to start walking in our neighborhood, in the evenings, when it is cooler, I'm sure. Come join us if you'd like. I'm also doing some walking in the mornings while I wait for my van pool. (Don't worry - there are friends on the van pool parked while I walk - so I feel pretty safe.) And who knows, I might do a marathon - one of these days...

Now, if I can just get the weight to start back down...

8 Weeks Out

I can't believe it's been eight weeks! I feel great - the blood pressure appears to have evened out somewhat - at least I'm not doing the drastic up and downs.

I' gained a little bit more this morning. Still trying to be patient as my body adjusts to life without lasix. But on a positive note - I have lost a total of 40 inches! I like that!

Busy, busy day at work - so not much time to blog. More tomorrow!

Things to Celebrate

OK - the weight is up a little more - but I decided NOT to focus on that. What CAN I celebrate today - besides the fact that it's Tuesday?

Not taking the lasix means that I am not up several times a night - which ultimately means I sleep better - especially now that Dave is home. It is nice to sleep through the night. I feel better when I wake up. That's worth celebrating.

Plans are underway to spoil and pamper my Mom on the day before Mother's Day. I love her so much, and am looking forward to honoring her in a special way. Mom and her special day are very much worth celebrating. I won't say anymore - except - Mom, you are going to LOVE it!

Even without the lasix, my feet have not been swelling. That is a relief and a blessing! I must admit, I did worry about that some. Silly me - I wonder how many hours, days, or even years I have spent worrying about something that didn't happen. Another thing to celebrate!

And always, I have my friends - perhaps the best reason to celebrate! Life is good!

New Clothes

My husband came home from his trip last night (FINALLY!) - and he brought me a present - a new top! It is the first new piece of clothing since the surgery. And it's a 1X!!! Granted, that is not small. But it is CONSIDERABLY smaller than what I have been wearing. I have worn up to a 5X - maybe not strictly because I needed that size, but I hid behind or in my clothes for many years. The bigger clothes were comfortable and not constricting in any way - even if they were NOT stylish. Thanks, Honey!

As expected, going off the lasix, I have gained about 4 pounds. This isn't what I want - but it is part of my reality right now. The doctor feels that I will level off now, and start losing again very shortly. I'm going to continue to make the choices I need to make, and pray that he is right. But I'm not freaking out about it - so, I'm still making progress, right?

It's Friday - UPDATED!

Whew - we made it, nearly. Dave comes home in two days. It's going to be a busy two days.

I go to the cardiologist this morning. I'm hoping he will have some answers for me - about the low blood pressure - my meds. I will blog more when I get back from the doctor.

OK - went to the doctor - he was thrilled! Since I last saw him in October, I have lost 75 pounds! Unlike when you take your car to the shop, my blood pressure actually dropped when I was in the office. They took it lying down, then sitting up, then standing up. It was 110/70 when I was lying down, which is perfectly fine. It was 106/66 when I sat up. Still acceptable. It dropped down to 80/60 when I stood up. RELIEF - it is not in my head!

So, he completely stopped all of my meds, with the exception of coreg - which I take for my heart. He's cutting me back to 1/2 pill twice a day. I expressed concern about not taking the lasix, seeing as I gained 2 1/2 pounds when I tried to stop last week. He said that I should only take it "as needed" and no more then once a week - unless I have problems with shortness of breath or swelling. And that I may gain 3 or 4 pounds, but ultimately, in the long run, this would be the best for me. So, I'm going to trust him.

He wants to check on me in three months, do another echocardiogram, make sure that I am still doing well. It was a great visit, and I feel great!

Home Alone

I don't mind being home alone - generally - but when I don't feel well, I really want someone else to be there. This blood pressure thing really has me a little concerned - and it's hard because Dave is still out of town. My blood pressure keeps dropping to very low levels - and it makes me feel dizzy and disoriented. But the good news is that even with the stress - I'm not resorting to my old behavior. I'm NOT eating it away. In the past, when Dave was out of town, I would buy a large pizza at the beginning of the week - and snack on it the whole time he was gone. And then there all the "snack" foods that I never would buy - except when he was gone.

Much healthier choices this year, and staying right on track. I feel pretty good about that, even if I don't feel so good physically.

Reflections...

I have had several people say that my blog has resonated with them - which is pretty funny to me, because it is simply the ramblings from the (sometimes) scary place that is my brain. But maybe, just maybe, this is something I should be paying attention to...

All of my life - I thought that I was the only one who struggled with food. The only one who packed it away in secret. The only one who was so ashamed of what I was doing - and how I couldn't seem to stop. The only one who would open a box of brownie mix and eat it dry from the box. I thought I was the only one who loathed what I saw in the mirror, which made me depressed, which made me eat more, which made me loathe even more. So I never talked about it - never saw that pain in someone else's life.

But MAYBE - if I had talked more about what I was feeling and going through - just MAYBE - someone else would have said, "That's what I feel!" And maybe knowing that I wasn't alone would have made the journey easier somehow. And we could have helped each other...

I'm truly glad that I decided to be open and honest about my surgery, and everything that has happened afterward. And if anything I say in these ramblings helps anyone who is reading it - then that is even better.

For the record, I no longer loathe what I see in the mirror. I am not at all where I want to be - but I am definitely on the road to get there. I enjoy looking for new signs of the weight loss. (I'm really excited - I saw just the faintest signs of collar bones this morning - just a shadow, really - but it's the first time in a long, long time there has been anything!) I enjoy the skin that looks clearer. I'm even enjoying the little bit of makeup that I've been wearing virtually everyday since surgery! (And for those that know me, that is saying something!)

So, I will keep blogging. And you keep telling me what you think.

A Lesson from My Cats

My husband is out of town. Normally, he feeds our cats around 1:00 or 1:30 in the morning, right before he comes to bed. (Yes, he IS a night owl...lol!) Mind you, they have dry food round the clock, but this is when they get their canned food.

Dave called last night about 9:30 to say good night. I was putting some stuff away in the kitchen, and decided to go ahead and feed the cats - then it would be done, and I could go to bed without worrying about it. The cats are ecstatic - getting fed early.

I watched some TV - and actually dozed a little in my chair. I roused myself to go to bed somewhere around midnight. (True confessions, I don't sleep well when he's not here.) Those three little beggars ran to the kitchen, expecting me to feed them AGAIN, like maybe I forgot or something. Uh, HELLO!!! I just fed you. You are NOT going to get more tonight.

But as I think about it - aren't we like that a LOT when it comes to food?? We eat because it is the thing to do, even though many times we aren't hungry. We stuff ourselves until we are in pain. Eating becomes a habit - or an addiction - or worse.

Dr's Visit Today

My doctor was impressed (and maybe a little surprised) when I showed up at his office today, having lost 50 pounds since surgery. Everything is looking good, and best of all I still feel great.

When I go to the cardiologist later this week, I'm planning on lobbying for NOT going back on the meds - since going off the meds after the b/p crashed last week, I feel GREAT!

I have to brag - just a little. This weekend, my husband and I did spring cleaning. The significant part about that is that I did spring cleaning. Any spring cleaning. I know that cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry, and sorting through clothes doesn't sound like much fun, but I haven't been able to do that all for years. Gradually, Dave has taken over more and more around the house, because I just didn't have the energy or stamina to do anything. Granted, I did have to rest along the way, but I DID IT! That's a great, big WOW in my book!

Better Today...

I've made an appointment with the cardiologist - I have temporarily stopped most meds until I see him. And I'm back down two pounds this morning...it's better.

A friend sent me an old picture yesterday. (See right.) It took me off guard...I recoiled - I didn't like it at all. In fact, I used the word, "hideous." She told me she didn't see that at all - in fact, the people who know and love me would never see that. And that she saw someone trapped inside trying to get out.

It's amazing that the only person I am shallow enough to react to how they look is me - I would NEVER dream of doing that with someone else. I have always responded more with my heart than the mirror - unless I'm talking about myself. I think it's time to change that. So, no more shying away from cameras - I am who I am, and I'm heading in the direction I want to go.

It's Just Fluid....It's Just Fluid...

That is the thing going through my head today - I hope that I will eventually listen...

I went home from work yesterday - with a very low blood pressure. I had stopped one of my meds the day before, but it didn't help. At one point, I measured a 93/47 bp - way too low. I was dizzy and disoriented. In the past, all I had to do was sit with my feet elevated, and after a few hours, it would stabilize. That didn't happen yesterday, so late afternoon, I called the nurse hotline. She wanted me to go immediately to the hospital, fearing that I was dehydrated. She couldn't tell me to stop taking all of my meds, but I could tell she was worried.

A good friend who is an ER nurse, came over last night to check on me - and track my bp. He said that if I were in the hospital - they would take me off all the meds, and push IV fluids. So, I didn't take any meds last night. This morning I am up 2.6 pounds.

That's why I keep chanting to myself...it's only fluid...it's only fluid...it HAS to be fluid. I didn't eat any more yesterday than I have been eating. I did do a little less walking, mainly because I was so dizzy, but still - that much gain overnight is fluid.

This morning I feel pretty much like a washcloth, wet and cold, and wrung out and tossed by the sink. And I'm eager to get back on track.

Six Weeks...And Counting.

I have lost 47.0 pounds since surgery; 55.8 pounds since February 10, 2 weeks pre-op; and 106.5 pounds since my biggest! And my BMI has dropped 8.7 points since surgery and 16.6 points since my biggest. Plus, I've lost 36.75 inches since February 10! Pretty excited here.

There is, however, a proverbial "fly" in the ointment. The last couple of days I have not been feeling great. Last night, I took my blood pressure, and it was 90/51. I was anticipating that my blood pressure would drop - but I thought it might be a little further out timewise. I have cut back on some of my blood pressure medication to help it balance out, but until it does - it will be a couple of days of not feeling so great. I'm not complaining - getting off ALL my meds is truly a goal, so this is just part of the process.

Wrecks and Accidents

We had to deal with three accidents on the way to work this morning - two of them were pretty bad. On any Atlanta road, an accident can slow things down, and many times brings traffic to a complete stop - with nowhere to go. We were fortunate today in that we slowed some, but did not end up sitting in traffic, waiting for the accident to clear.

There are all kinds of accident - major ones, requiring ambulances or even life flight. Medium ones - that cause delay as we wait for a tow truck or policeman to arrive. And minor ones - where two people look at their cars - and decide not to worry about it.

I think there are probably different kinds of diet accidents, too, especially after weight loss surgery. There's the minor one - where you take a bite of something that maybe you shouldn't have, but no harm done. There's the more serious one - where you are uncomfortable because you've eaten too much or too fast - but you haven't done any permanent damage. And there is the binge eating where you are completely out of control - eating everything in sight.

Yesterday, I don't know exactly what was going on - but I wanted to eat all day long. That is the first day that has happened for me. I'm very thankful that this surgery prevents me from eating large portions, but I must admit, there were a few times yesterday I was uncomfortable. Eating too fast? Eating too much? I don't know, but today, it doesn't seem to be a problem. I plan to be much more aware of it, though. And I still lost 0.2 pounds - so I don't think I did any permanent damage.

Next week, my husband will be out of town. I may need extra encouragement. He has been my rock - and when he's not here - I miss him. Not only that, I have to make all the decisions about what I will eat and how I will fix it by myself. That could be difficult.

Cleaning Out

I cleaned out my closet this weekend. Amazing what you find in there - clothes that I don't even remember buying - some with tags still on them. Even cooler - I found several pairs of shoes that have not even been worn. For years, I have had to wear men's shoes - because my feet had been swelling so badly, I couldn't fit into women's shoes - even extra wide widths. Friday night, I went out and bought sandals and sneakers. But Saturday, when I cleaned out my closet, I found so many "new" shoes that I decided to take the purchased ones back. I'd rather save that money for something else.

I threw away one leaf bag of garbage. I have two leaf bags of clothes, and a bag of purses that I am going to give away. I still have to go through my dresser, and anticipate another bag of clothes from that.

It feels good to get this done. It feels great to find clothes I can wear, and really cool to get into clothes I couldn't wear before. And taking away reminders of where I was before is the best of all.

New Surprises

It is SO NICE to be able to cross off goals...one at a time. But even nicer is when something happens that you aren't expecting.

This morning, I was rushing around trying to get out the door for work. We have a bookshelf in our bedroom that is fairly close to the end of the bed, and ever since we put it there, I have had to side step between them to keep from hitting either the bookshelf or the footboard on the bed. I bruise very easily - and the sharp corners, especially on the bed, have left their mark more than once. This morning, without thinking, I just walked past. Then it hit me - I didn't have to sidestep, and I DIDN'T touch either the bookshelf OR the bed! I went back to make sure I wasn't imagining things. Then, just for fun, I did it several more times. WHOOHOO! That made my day.

Blessings on this Good Friday! And Happy Ressurection Sunday!

BIG TIME CELEBRATION!!!

I hit milestones today - and I'm doing the happy dance....WHOOHOO!

Since surgery - 40 pounds - yesterday was five weeks.

Since my two week pre-op - 49 pounds - in seven weeks.

Since my biggest...100 POUNDS! 100 POUNDS!!!

I think I might be obnoxious about it today, but you know what - this is really worth celebrating. It's a big deal. My heart is 100 pounds stronger. My burden is 100 pounds lighter. Imagine carrying around 8 bowling balls - or 20 bags of sugar - or 100 pounds of butter. I carried that around - and now I'm not.

Love ya'll - and thanks for the cheering...