Cleaning Out the Closet

Well, yesterday I did it. I cleaned out my closet and my dresser. I was ruthless – getting rid of things that I either cannot wear, or will not wear. I was a little surprised at how emotional it was for me.

Gone are all of the things I bought for my birthday back in July. That was difficult. I haven’t worn them in months, but those were the first clothes I purchased on this journey. It meant something to me that I could fit into a size 24. Of course, now those pants literally fall off me, but it was difficult to put them in the bag. I have lost almost 60 pounds since I bought those clothes. Some of the tops I am getting rid of are some of my favorites, even from before surgery days. I told myself they looked OK, because they had ties or some way to make them look smaller, but in reality, even though I loved how I felt in them, they just don’t fit anymore.

I have been blessed tremendously with the generosity of people who have given me clothes. However, not everything I have been given is something I would actually wear. It doesn’t make sense to keep something that I’m not going to wear, even if I do appreciate the gift. So, all of those things went, as well. All told, I have three trash bags to get rid of.

I thought about my reluctance to get rid of these clothes, and it occurred to me that holding on to those keepsakes from my past is something I do often. I like to surround myself with the familiar, even if that isn’t good for me. I would rather have something familiar that is painful, than face the unknown that might bring tremendous joy. That is part of the reason I stayed nearly 10 years in an abusive marriage. It was a known entity. The world beyond that marriage was scary.

I think that might be part of the reason it took me so long to decide to take this journey. I didn’t like where I was physically, but what if I lost all of the weight, and STILL didn’t like where I was? All that work and it would be for nothing. Of course, I didn’t actually SAY that out loud, but it was in the back of my head, bubbling away, making the decision to DO something – anything – about my weight much more difficult. I am so glad that I finally stepped outside my comfort zone – to take the first step – and then the second step, and all the steps after that. I’m not at my final destination, but I am well on my way!

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24, NIV)