Yesterday I was yelled at. Twice. By two people that I love and respect. I don’t like being yelled at – even if I deserve it. Maybe especially if I deserve it. And I really don’t like being yelled at when I am hurting.
Unexpectedly, I found out yesterday that the entire tax liability for having my loan written off is due this week – not spread out over the rest of the year the way that I had anticipated it would be. I’m not at all complaining about the tax liability – I fully expected and intended to pay it. I just did not expect that it would be such a massive amount in such a short period of time. And in my frustration I made the comment that I wished I had never had the surgery.
Of course, I have no intention of going back to what I was before the surgery. But in that moment, with the substantial tax bill hanging over my head, threatening my family’s well-being, I expressed an honest emotion. There is really no point in telling me I SHOULDN’T feel that way – I DO feel that way. I completely acknowledge that I will not always feel that way, but right now, that is where I am. It hurts knowing that something I did has put my family in jeopardy – threatening at least one of our very basic needs – our house. My paycheck that pays the mortgage is going to be zero this month. And that is scary.
Having said that, I believe that God is bigger than this problem. He’s bigger than my fears, and my emotions. And already, I have seen His hand work in ways I would not have thought possible. And to the people who yelled (OK, maybe “yelled” is a little strong) – I know that you only said what you said because you love me, and you know that having the surgery saved my life.
I’ll be OK. We will be OK. Sometimes it just takes a little time and effort to get from where I am right now to that OK point.
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