Saturday was the funeral for my friend. Can I say it here – I hate funerals! I hate everything about funerals! I went to be there for her husband, who is also a dear friend. I was able to see some people I haven’t seen in a while. Those are not bad things. I do recognize some of the benefits of a funeral. It allows family and friends to have some closure. It allows people to show love and support to family members. Hmmm…that’s about it.
So what is about funerals that I dislike so much? One thing is how we talk about the deceased. It doesn’t matter how crotchety the person was when she was alive, at the funeral she becomes a paragon of virtue. He may have been as mean as a snake or even abusive, but the eulogy presents him as a philanthropist. Saturday, I did not know the person the minister was talking about during his tribute. Understand, I loved my friend dearly, but she was human, and most likely would have been the first person to protest all the wonderful things he said about her. She was REAL – aware of her faults.
Another thing I dislike is the “viewing.” I don’t like when make-up and hairstyles are so different from what the person really did. I hate when people say that the deceased “looks good.” The viewing to me is like looking at an empty cocoon – it is nothing but a shell – the beautiful butterfly is not there anymore.
One last thing that I dislike is the feeling that everything has to be somber. People speak in whispers. I understand grief and believe me I have had my share. And while I am immensely sad that my friend is no longer here with me, I am filled with joy at the thought she is home with Jesus – no longer suffering – no longer in pain. Quite honestly, the joy is far greater than the grief. I could not wish her here – because she is so much better off where she is! My grief will last for only a moment, and then we will be together again. How could I possibly be so selfish as to wish her back here when she was in such agony?
So, all that being said, I am officially putting in writing my wishes after death:
1. DO NOT MAKE ME INTO SOMETHING I’M NOT. If you want to talk about how much you love me or how much you will miss me (assuming that you will), that’s fine. But if anyone starts talking about me an example of virtuous women – or someone with a quiet and gentle spirit – stop them. Do not let anyone say anything about me in death that they could not say in life. Talk about my fears – talk about my struggles – talk about the times I failed. I would so much rather someone say something honest, even if it’s less than flattering – than to say something that sounds good, but isn’t true.
2. DO NOT EXPECT TO SEE ME – OR RATHER WHAT’S LEFT OF MY BODY. I have moved on – much like a hermit crab leaves one shell for something better. I plan on using up my body – living life to the fullest, so that there is nothing much left to see anyway. There will be NO open casket, no people parading by, no fancy hairstyles, and no excessive make-up.
3. DO NOT GRIEVE FOR ME. I understand there may be some people who will be sad that I’m gone, and in a very real sense, that grief is part of love. I have been dearly loved in my life, so it is only natural that people will grieve as a continuing part of that love. But the sorrow isn’t for me; it is for the people who are still here on this earth. I know where I’m going – and as much as I love my friends and family – I will not be looking back! I do not want Psalm 23 read at my funeral. I do not want even ONE slow, sad song. I don’t want people to whisper. If you have to say something – remember a funny incident and laugh – and if you laugh right out loud, that is perfectly fine with me. Know that I would be laughing with you, if I could. I have no intention of belittling grief – it is part of life, and part of death. However, I do want people to acknowledge that I am such a better place. I will be celebrating with my Lord. I will never be sick again. I will never be sad again.
So, while I continue to live on this world, I will continue to go to funerals – not because I like funerals, but because I love the people involved. And I will do anything in my power to support the people who are hurting and grieving and missing their family member. Just know that in my heart, I will be repeating this passage:
“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him…for the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.” (I Thessalonians 4: 13-17, NIV)
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