Dealing with a chronic illness, like congestive heart failure, affects everything you do, whether you want it to or not. One of the things it did to me was make me compliant - particularly if there was something that I really didn't want to do - or didn't have the energy to do. Many times I would go along with the suggestion - because I didn't even have the energy to protest. I would give in for the sake of peace - and eventually the giving in became a habit. It was not a habit I liked - but again, when you don't have the energy - there just isn't much you can do.
If you are dealing with a chronic illness of any kind - you might find this helpful in explaining to friends and family exactly what you are going through. It really helped me - and it has helped everyone I have sent it to. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/personal-essays/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/ It is well worth the read for anyone who is experiencing chronic illness - or who loves someone with chronic illness. CAUTION:::::: It might just change your perspective.
Anyway - as I am beginning to feel better - I find myself a lot less complacent and compliant. I no longer want to do something just to keep peace. I kind of like stirring things up. I want to LIVE - something I haven't done for a long, long time.
But, this causes some problems. Other people in my life are used to how it has been for so long. They took charge - I let them - everything was fine. So now, when I rebel against the restrictions and structure other people are placing on me - it goes over like the proverbial lead balloon. I'm changing the rules, and that is definitely uncomfortable.
In a very real sense though - the person sick with congestive heart failure isn't really me - that is just a shell of the person I am - the person I was created to be. I have always been a free spirit - hopefully not mean or vindictive - but certainly living life "outside the box." (WHAT??? There's a box?) I like to be zany and crazy. I want to use all the colors in the crayon box - and sometimes I want to color the trees blue and the sky purple - just because I can.
So, if you are an in-the-box kind of person - you may find the "new" me a little unsettling. I'm sorry - I don't do anything I do to upset you. But I am rebelling against the constraints that others impose on me. It may take a little while to work through this - but I'm sure eventually we can reach a compromise - one that allows some structure for you - and some freedom for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment