My Poor Heart

Sometimes, I tease my husband and tell him that he should do something that I want him to do because I have such "a weak heart." He always rolls his eyes at me and tells me that it isn't going to work - I've already done that song and dance. Of course, I only do it to get a reaction from him, and he reacts because he knows that is what I'm looking for. Thinking about it - I'm sure that there are people who might find the teasing back and forth in poor taste. But the truth is - this is how we deal with something that in reality is a little (or a lot) scary for both of us. If we can laugh together about it, we feel united, and if not exactly brave, at least united in our fear.

Our reality is that I have congestive heart failure. It is not going to go away. It is not going to get better. And we have had to learn to live with it - to work around it - and sometimes to give in to it. From a physical standpoint, it means that I get fatigued easier. I do not have the stamina that I would like to have. Sometimes it causes breathing problems, especially if it is very hot and/or humid outside. There have been many, many times that I have had to make a choice: I can do this OR I can do that - but I absolutely cannot do both.

Still, I have a very active lifestyle - from even before my surgery. I work full-time - and other than the surgeries I have had - and the doctor's visits I will always have, I seldom take a sick day. Being part of my husband's ministry often feels like another full-time job, especially for the couple of weeks before a musical. I have now added yoga and tai chi. I sew, I do crafts. People are often surprised to find out exactly how sick I really am - because I keep going.

For many years, though, I used my heart condition as an excuse why I wasn't dieting or exercising or making good, healthy choices. And before the heart condition - it was female problems. And before that...well, I can see where I made excuse after excuse after excuse for why I WASN'T doing what I should. I am probably one of the world's best procrastinators - after all, I did it for 47 years. I do not know why I was able to FINALLY get started on this journey - but I am really glad I did.