Nerd Child

Growing up, I was the poster child for nerds and geeks - which meant that I got picked on a lot. When I say that, I'm not looking for sympathy or any kind of special treatment - just acknowledging that part of my past. And because it was part of my past, it has helped shape me into the person I am today.

One of the things that came from this is that I really and truly do not want to cause any kind of pain to anyone. I do cause pain, of course. Every person is going to cause pain to someone else - and usually someone he or she loves. But when it happens, I feel horrible. I would so much rather the pain be mine that someone else's - anyone else's.

Not wanting to cause pain to someone else is a good thing. But taking that pain on myself is not always a good thing. In some ways, it is as if I felt somehow unworthy - and like I deserved the pain. And so much of that feeling seemed to be tied directly to my weight. The bigger I got, the more pain I deserved. It was a never-ending cycle.

But somehow, somewhere, I found the strength to break the cycle. I had the surgery - I'm losing weight - and all of a sudden, I no longer find myself willing OR able to take on everyone else's pain. I still absolutely HATE causing pain, and pray that I will never do so intentionally, but I no longer see myself as deserving of pain.

One gentleman at church teasingly accused me of flaunting IT. I told him you can't flaunt IT if you don't have IT. Not one time in my entire adult life has anyone ever indicated that I have the elusive IT - so I don't know how I got IT - but I sure know that I like IT!