Mondays are NOT always my favorite time of the week, but I have to admit, after a busy, busy weekend, it's really nice to get back to the routine, even if it IS a Monday.
On the way to work, I was musing about my recent blogs - lots about clothes, but also about makeup and jewelry - all are things that I honestly gave very little thought to in my former life. I must confess that I have really enjoyed wearing these feminine things - but not necessarily for their own sake. What I REALLY enjoy is the attention I get when I wear these things. I made the comment to my Mom that I'm turning into a girlie girl. She responded with a relieved, "Finally!"
I have struggled with self-esteem issues all my life, and I think that the "tomboy" persona was an attempt to say that I didn't care what other people thought. Or maybe it was fear that no matter what I did, people wouldn't see me as soft and feminine - so it was better just to avoid that altogether. And maybe, just maybe, a large part of the problem was that I didn't see myself as soft and feminine, so it seemed silly to play the part, because eventually, someone would figure out that I'm pretendng.
There is a part of me that still feels like I'm playing dress up. It's difficult to reshape your body. It's even harder to reshape your mind, especially about emotional issues like body image and lifelong mental habits. But on both fronts - I see progress. I don't wear the clothes, or the jewelry, or the makeup for other people - I wear it for me. It DOES make me feel better, and when I feel better, I have more confidence, and when I have more confidence, people respond to it. Do I see myself as a "femme fatale"? Hardly. But I feel a lot less like an alien in the pretty clothes.
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