Being Feminine

Growing up, I was a tomboy of the highest class. There was no tree too high to climb. My knees were perpetual scabs. I was far too klutzy to be dainty – and I liked hanging with the guys so much more than primping and fussing in front of a mirror. My sister, on the other hand, has had feminine wiles pretty much from the time she was born. As an infant, she had big brown eyes, and dark ringlets, and in at least one picture of us together, people asked my Mom where she got such a pretty doll for me. Please understand, it is not because my Mom didn’t try to make me ladylike…I just had no patience whatsoever with the things usually associated with little girls. Granted, I did play with dolls, but mostly because I wanted to be the doctor for all their illnesses. (When I was learning about Helen Keller in school, all my dolls tragically came down with scarlet fever – and became blind, mute, or deaf – or some combination of the three.)

Fast forward to my middle school years. I was still a tomboy – still klutzy – and now we can add awkward to the mix. I was the only girl in my Sunday School class of 14 or so. They used to fight over me – over who had to sit next to me, that is. When we went to church camp – my father had to make the boys take turns sitting next to me in the car. Whatever the mysterious “it” was, I didn’t have it. But my sister did – even though she was three years younger than I was – if you were looking for any of the boys my age and you found her, you would most likely find them. By the time we were both old enough to date (not before age 16!), I went steady, and she dated several guys at once.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about any of this, although I’m sure I did my fair share back then. I have just always been in awe of her femininity, and wondered how she knew what to do, when I couldn’t seem to figure it out no matter how hard I tried.

All of a sudden, though, I feel feminine. I don’t think it is simply the pounds that are gone. When I look for clothes, I look for feminine details – ruffles, bows, sparkly elements. I am wearing more dresses, thanks to the friend who gave me clothes recently. I have been wearing makeup and jewelry. My Mom seems relieved that I have finally found myself. I’m still scratching my head, wondering exactly what happened.

I do believe that feeling good about myself, for the first time in forever, is part of this new-found femininity. I will probably never be a lady in the truest since of the word, but I like the feeling of liking myself.