The Last Working Day of 2010

Say Good-bye – 2010 is just about over. What a year it has been. It’s a good time to look back – and pay attention to how far I’ve come – and to look ahead to what 2011 will bring.

This time last year, I weighed over 130 pounds more than I do right now. I weighed nearly 400 pounds. My BMI was at the Morbid Obesity level. I had to have a seatbelt extender in order to fly. I couldn’t wear jeans. I couldn’t stand for even one song in choir at church. I couldn’t sit comfortably in a booth at a restaurant – or any seating in a public venue. I weighed more than my husband – considerably more. I had to buy plus size clothes – usually in a specialty shop. I couldn’t see my collarbone, or cross my legs. I couldn’t even get on the regular scale at the doctor’s office.

This year, I’ve lost those 130+ pounds. I weigh 253.8 (as of this morning). My BMI has dropped to the obesity level – and I’m very close to dropping to the next level and just being overweight. I don’t need a seatbelt extender to fly. I wear jeans all the time. I stood for our entire Christmas musical – two performances and one dress rehearsal. I can sit comfortably anywhere – restaurant – movie theater – concert hall – ball game. I weigh less than my husband. I can go into any store and buy regular clothes. I have a collarbone – and ribs - and I can cross my legs. I get on the regular scale at the doctor’s office.

WOW – those are a lot of accomplishments in one year – and honestly – I would not have believed any of it was possible one year ago.

My work isn’t over though – I still have things I want to do:
- Lose 200 pounds – coming up in 18.4 pounds.
- Lose 150 pounds since surgery – coming up in 28.2 pounds
- Weigh less than 200 pounds – coming up in 54 pounds
- Reach goal weight at 180 pounds (at least for now) – coming up in 73.8 pounds

Today I figured that in the six weeks since we left for Canada (on November 15) I have lost 14 pounds. I was absolutely thrilled – because in that time, I have attended at least 10 family functions, parties, holiday dinners or get-togethers, all of which had massive amounts of food and sweets. I did all of my holiday baking – and had a ton of food from that right in my house. I would have been happy to maintain during this period – but to lose; I can’t tell you how happy that makes me! I am making good choices – I am living by my new philosophy: BLT (bite, lick, or taste) – I am sticking to my commitment. It has been a good year.

44 Weeks

I have lost 121.0 pounds since surgery.

I have lost 129.8 pounds since two weeks’ pre-op.

I have lost 180.8 pounds total!

My BMI is down 20.3 points since surgery and 28.2 points from my biggest! And, I have dropped below a BMI of 40 for the first time in my recollection. (The last time I was below 40, nobody knew what a BMI was!)

A dear friend came to stay with us last night – someone who has followed my pictures closely, but who said the real thing is so much more impressive than the pictures. The pictures capture the physical dimensions but in no way can convey the energy and just how much better I feel.

Dealing With Disappointment

I thought long and hard about writing this particular blog – but I decided that my goal has been to write about the things I’m feeling – good or bad – and sometimes it isn’t always good. Disappointment is something that everyone faces – and learning to deal with it is part of this journey for me.

When I was a teenager, I had a poster in my room that read, “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” I’m sure that the I didn’t have this poster for the wisdom it contained – I believe it had a cute little koala bear on it – and since I had an extensive collection of koala bears of all sorts at the time – the only reason I had this poster was as part of my collection. Still there is a universe of truth in that statement.

This year for Christmas, I didn’t get what I wanted. More specifically, I got something that I absolutely did NOT want, and something that I said I didn’t want – in both generic terms, which I said hundreds of times, and in very specific terms, mentioning the exact gift by name, on more than one occasion. In my past – I could not have admitted that I didn’t want something. And the feelings of not being heard and not being important festered, because I wouldn’t or couldn’t admit to them. And when those things festered – guess what I did – yep – I ate and ate to make myself feel better.

I know it sounds childish – I’m not a little kid who sits on Santa’s lap and whispers what to bring me for Christmas. And yet, when I opened this gift, I was so crushed and SO disappointed, that it took everything I had not to cry. To make matters worse, I had a strong suspicion that it was what I was getting – and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

I must confess that I pouted nearly all day on Christmas Day! I’m not proud of that. It just seems to me that when a person says over and over and over that she doesn’t want something, and then she gets it – that somebody isn’t paying attention. And more than anything – I want somebody to pay attention to me. But even though I did not handle my disappointment in a grown up way – I also did not handle it in the way I have always handled disappointment in the past. I didn’t eat it – and I didn’t keep it buried. I apologize to everyone I came in contact with on Christmas Day – for my childish behavior. And I apologize for making people around me uncomfortable. But I do not apologize for being disappointed.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Just wanted to wish EVERYONE a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Mom's Surgery

Mom did GREAT with her surgery – praise God! The doctor completely replaced both the socket – and the ball that fits into the socket. When he was finished with that, he said that something still didn’t seem right – and upon further investigation, he found that the deltoid muscle had gotten pinched in the fracture – he had to pry open the fracture to pull the muscle out. OUCH! No WONDER she was in pain! She did not have a great night – she is absolutely petrified of being hooked on painkillers – and so refuses to take them much of the time. Last night she said that she waited too long to ask for something – and then it took a long for the painkiller to kick in. She promised she wouldn’t do that again – but we will see. And the pain she is feeling is not in her shoulder – she has a nerve block for that – the pain is in her lower arm (below the surgery) and other places. She seems to have been dehydrated as well – probably from not eating or drinking anything before surgery. It took them six pokes to get the IV started – and last night – they had to work to find another site after the original one blew. Keep her in your prayers.

I did fine with the stress of Mom’s surgery – the waiting – the praying – the WAITING. The only place I could have done better was drinking enough water. It’s easy to forget to drink when you are sitting in a waiting room.

Prayers for Mom

Today is Mom’s surgery to replace the shoulder socket. Please pray for her as she goes through the surgery. Pray for the doctors and nurses as they do their jobs. Pray for the rest of the family as we anxiously await news of how her surgery went – and that everything is going to be fine. And say an extra prayer for Mom as we come up on Christmas. Understandably, she wants to be home for Christmas, and she wants Christmas to happen just like normal. But if she needs to stay in the hospital, or if she does come home, and doesn’t feel like celebrating – which I know is a distinct possibility, having had my share of surgeries – please let her graciously accept postponing Christmas until she is ready. That is the most important thing for all of us this Christmas – that she has the surgery, and comes through it fine, and recuperates well. If those things happen, then our Christmas wishes will have come true!

I finished wrapping everything last night. That is a good feeling! Dave’s quartet had a gig – in Athens, two hours away. So, I came home, did a little shopping, stopped by a friend’s house – then came home, wrapped presents while watching a Lifetime Christmas movie – and was in bed by 10:00 – just so that I could get up early and get to work early. It’s amazing how much you can get done when it’s quiet – either at home or at work.

A friend of mine told me that she is giving herself a present for Christmas this year – Jammie days for December 25 and 26. She said that she was going to stay in her jammies – even through dinner with friends who are coming over. I have to say, I LOVE THIS IDEA! A day where we are not pretending to be anything but ourselves – comfortable all the way to the core! A day where we aren’t worried at all, about what other people think about us! A day where give ourselves permission to relax. We don’t do this very often in our society – and I am giving it some serious thought. And even if I do not stay in my jammies all day – I think I could stay in that attitude all day – what a GREAT IDEA!

Doing Nothing

We live in a society that is rapidly losing the art of doing nothing. We go, go, go all the time – if we aren’t going, we feel guilty. At least I feel guilty. As a society, we don’t know how to be quiet anymore. (If you don’t believe me, next time someone mentions “a moment of silent prayer” in church, time it. I guarantee that in 12 seconds – 15 seconds tops – people will be uncomfortable – and get restless, and somehow start making noise – a cough, rustling paper, clearing the throat.)

Christmastime seems to be especially busy. Programs at church, rehearsals of all sorts for those programs, buying and wrapping presents, Christmas baking, parties every time you turn around, driving to visit family and friends – and the list just keeps growing. It seems that “yes” is the only word on everyone’s lips: “Yes, I will attend _________________.” “Yes, I will buy ____________________.” “YES, I will _______________.” “Yes, Yes, YES!” And one other place where people say “yes” during the holidays is at the food table. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me that they are going to get serious about losing weight after the holidays. That is a worthy goal! And I have said it myself so many times that I can’t even begin to count them. And yet – the more I don’t exercise self-control now, the more I will ultimately have to reverse “after the holidays.”

I think we should learn a new word for this Christmas: “NO.” As in, “No, we aren’t going to add any more activities – we are going to spend some family time together.” “No, we are not buying everything on everyone’s Christmas list.” “NO, we are not ________________________.” And how about, “No, I am not going to pig out at this buffet/party/cookie exchange. I will taste things, but I will make smart choices about the food I eat.” This is my 49th Christmas, and I can honestly say that it is the FIRST time I am even attempting to make smart choices. That is really sad to me.

So, this year (and all the years to come) I wish you PEACE – the kind of peace that comes from slowing down; the kind of peace that comes from saying to “no” to all of the extras, and saying “yes” to the things that matter – like time with family; and the kind of peace that comes from taking control of your choices – that enjoys but doesn’t overindulge: The PEACE of the Baby in the manger.

I Made It!

I made it through last week – pretty much intact – and only a little worse for the wear. My Mom gave me a most unusual and amazing compliment on Friday night. She came to the first performance of our musical – and she said to me, “If I had been at the performance last year, and had not seen you at all during the year, and came to the performance tonight – I would not have recognized you.” My first thought was, “That’s my Mama – how could she not recognize me???” But then, I thought about what she was saying. I am a completely different person than I was this time last year. Not just in physical appearance – which has changed dramatically – but also in demeanor. I am not experiencing the bone-weary fatigue I have had in the past. I have tons more energy – more than I ever remember having. Every fiber of my body doesn’t ache like it used to. And perhaps most importantly, I am not miserable all the way to the depth of my soul. My eyes sparkle, and I honestly like myself. That is a LOT of change in a year. So, when my own mother says she wouldn’t recognize me – that is saying something. If I’m truthful, I have to admit that I probably wouldn’t recognize myself, if I hadn’t been taking this journey every step along the way.

Saturday, I finished all my Christmas shopping. One of my stops was Costco. While I was there, I found a cute little sweater that I liked – and I bought it – nothing plus size, just a regular sweater – like a regular person. It was so nice! I really enjoy being able to find something just in any store.

Our musical went very well this weekend – as did all of the other activities. However, my body protested a little. Partially, I’m sure, because I tried not doing lasix every day (possibly not the smartest thing – when there is so much else going on) and partially because I did eat some salty things that I shouldn’t have (like the birthday party lunch that was catered by Varsity – I don’t think they have ANYTHING for a low sodium diet!) Anyway, my weight was up 6.2 pounds by yesterday – but fortunately, down today by 4.2 pounds. I need to play this a little smarter, I think.

Ahhh...Warmth!

I did something last night that I should have done MONTHS ago – I bought some heavy fleece pajamas. We were at Wal-Mart doing some Christmas shopping. We walked by the rack, and they just looked so warm that I had to stop. Dave told me I should go ahead and get some. The price was pretty good, and I could mix and match sizes for the top and bottom (top XL – bottom 2X, although I probably could have done smaller, I like my pj’s loose). When I got to the checkout – it turns out that both pieces were on sale: $5 for the top and $8.47 for the bottom. When we got home, I immediately put them on! They are so soft and comfortable! When I first went to bed – I was a little chilled. I had put some laundry in to wash – and had taken off my socks, so my feet were cold. But within about five minutes, I was perfectly warm. The kind of warm that sinks all the way down into your bones…AAAHHHHH!!!! I slept like a baby – not shivering, not tensed up from the cold, not lying awake wishing I was warm! It was the best night’s sleep I have had in months! I can hardly WAIT to get back home tonight and get into my pj’s!

It always amazes me how stubborn I can be about doing something that needs to be done, just like buying warm pajamas. I froze, I shivered, I complained, I tried to fix it myself by piling on covers – but I didn’t do the one thing I needed to do: Go out and buy warm pajamas.

I did the same thing for years and years concerning my weight: I made excuses, I complained, I ached, I hid, I let my health deteriorate, I pretended everything was fine – but I didn’t do the one thing I needed to do: Get serious about losing weight – and take control of my eating habits.

Hopefully, I am going to figure out that the sooner I just go ahead and do whatever it is that needs to be done, the happier I will be – and the quicker I will get to where I need to be.

42 Weeks

Yesterday was 42 weeks from surgery. Since then, I have lost 118.4 pounds, and 178.2 pounds total. Never in a million years would I have believed in February that I would be where I am today. But, I AM here – and that is cause to celebrate! (I have lost 64.71% of the weight I want to lose.) I have another reason to celebrate. Congestive heart failure zaps my strength. One of most visible ways this has happened for me is singing at the choir at church. In the not too distant past, I have been unable to stand while singing. Dave wants me in the choir – and the choice was either to sit and sing – or not to be in choir at all…so I sat. I have been making progress – standing for one song on Sunday morning – standing for a couple of songs in our patriotic musical in June. But last night – during dress rehearsal for our Christmas musical – I stood for EVERY SINGLE SONG! Granted, Dave builds a lot of sitting time into our musicals. We have a variety of ages represented in our choir, and a number of health issues. So, he arranges for everyone to sit as often as possible in order to accommodate that. He would much rather someone sit and sing, than not to have the opportunity to sing at all. Anyway, I’m doing the happy dance this morning – because standing (and doing everything else I did during rehearsal – drama, costume changes, signing “O, Holy Night”) means that my stamina is increasing – and my health is improving.

I’m making it through this busy week. Tonight, I have to build a well (if that intrigues you, you’ll just have to come to the performance on Friday or Sunday to see why). And tomorrow is the performance. It should be wonderful! We had a couple of glitches in dress rehearsal – but nothing too severe, and truthfully, I always worry a little if we DON’T have something go wrong during rehearsal. That is what dress rehearsal is for – and we get it out of the way – and everything is good for performance on Friday.

Random Thoughts

Just some things that occurred to me this morning while I was driving to meet my vanpool: I automatically buckled my seatbelt this morning. That’s not so very important – LOTS of people buckle their seatbelts every single time they get into a car. And while it has become automatic for me, it wasn’t always so. Especially if I was wearing a thick, heavy, winter coat like I am now. There just wasn’t room for me AND the coat inside the seatbelt. For a long, long time, I left the seatbelt buckled – behind me. And I only did that to stop the dinging noise. It wasn’t that I was purposely trying to break the law – or that I didn’t care about my safety. It just seemed like breathing every day was more important than the safety it might provide in the off chance I was actually in a car accident. But now – I don’t even think about it…get in the car – and buckle up – and I can STILL breathe! Yippee!

There is something immeasurably satisfying about getting into a pair of jeans that were previously too small! When the friend from work gave me the jeans – I could fit into a couple of pairs immediately. There were a couple of pairs that I could pull up – but could not fasten. And there were a couple of pairs that I could not even pull up. This morning, I decided just to try – and low and behold – one of the pairs that I could not fasten before – are fitting just fine now. I am really enjoying having different options as I get dressed each morning. And every time I hit one of these small goals – my heart soars!

I think my next purchase is going to be warm – REALLY WARM – pajamas. Right now, I am sleeping under so many layers that I can hardly move! But I have been so cold – and that is the only way I can get warm. (An electric blanket is an obvious solution – except that we have a sleep number bed – and the warmth from a blanket affects the air pressure in the bed. We were told NOT to use one with this mattress. And I can’t give up the sleep number bed – best sleep I’ve ever had!) Up until August of this year, I was in one long, continuous hot flash – so even my flannel pj’s are light weight. I don’t have anything for cold weather. I heard this on the radio this morning: It’s so cold that I went to church just to hear them preach about hell. THAT made me laugh! And if it will work, you have my permission to start preaching! I’m ready to be warm again.

Taking Time to Breathe

As soon as this week is OVER, I’m going to turn on the lights on my Christmas tree (and ONLY the lights on my Christmas tree). I’m going to make a mug of hot chocolate. I’m going to turn on some INSTRUMENTAL Christmas music. I’m turning my phone OFF. I’m not going to talk to anyone. I’m going to get into my pajamas and my favorite robe. And then, I’m going to chill. I might snuggle with my cat. I would definitely snuggle with Dave, assuming he can get out of musical-rushing-around-to-get-everything-done-before-Christmas mode. If he can’t – no worries. But I want QUIET. I want PEACEFUL. I want CHRISTMAS – not the crazy thing it becomes every single year, with rehearsals, and baking, decorating, and long lists of presents to buy and things to do.

It seems like we get busier and busier every year. Our calendar doesn’t have many empty slots. And the busier we get, the crankier I get. And before I know it – the joy is gone. I’m so busy that I forget to breathe, and I REALLY forget to celebrate.

Luke 2:8-20 (NIV)

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

MAY THE PEACE AND JOY OF THAT FIRST NOEL FILL YOUR HEARTS TODAY, AND THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SEASON.

It's Going to be a WEEK!

I’m tired – and the week is just beginning. I’m not being a baby – this really is a busy, busy week! I will start with yesterday, since that is officially the beginning of this week. We had church yesterday morning – two services. A quick lunch, and then BACK to the church building to get the stage set up for our musical this coming weekend. We had a rehearsal at 4:00 – complete with drama, narration, and the choir. It was the blocking rehearsal for the drama, and drama is my baby, so I was doubly busy. Tonight we have tech rehearsal – then we race to another church to have a rehearsal / set up for the community chorus we sing in – and that concert is tomorrow night. Wednesday night is dress rehearsal for our musical at church. Thursday night is yoga. Friday night is performance number 1 at church. Saturday, Dave’s quartet is singing at one of our church member’s 80th birthday – and then singing that night at Buckner’s – a local family style restaurant – that has gospel singing every Friday and Saturday evenings. (Dave’s quartet sings about once every three months or so.) Then Sunday is church, followed by our annual birthday party/lunch for Jesus, and performance number 2. After that, the choir at church gave us a wonderful gift – tickets to see Straight No Chaser – a 10-voice male a cappella group – which my husband is extremely excited about seeing. And, of course, I will still be working my 40 hours, and commuting roughly two hours every day. Everything that is happening is a good thing – but man – when I think about it all together, I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head until everything settles down.

My Mom has to have surgery on her shoulder – on Wednesday, December 22, if there are no cancellations that can get her in before that. There was a problem with the blood supply to her shoulder, and the socket has died and is pulling away from the joint. She is in a great deal of pain – and replacing the socket is the only way to fix this. So, while I’m busy doing all the things I have to do – I’m also constantly thinking about her. A very good friend is going next week for tests at the Mayo clinic – and I know how much she needs some answers. She is constantly in my thoughts and prayers, too.

So, for right now – I’m taking a deep breath in, and letting it out slowly. There are many things beyond my control this week – and sometimes that is just part of life. But there are many things within my control as well. I’m very, very encouraged that already last month and this month, I have faced some things that would have ordinarily meant that I gained weight: vacation for two weeks, our Open House, and my office Christmas party. And through each event I have been particularly conscious of my food choices – and have actually lost weight through all of them. Every time that happens, my self-confidence goes up a little – I realize that I CAN make good choices. I know that I AM making good choices. And I believe that I WILL CONTINUE to make those good choices.

The Tastes of Christmas

Christmas is a wonderful time for parties and get-togethers and of course, FOOD! Having lived in so many different places, it has been fun seeing the special things that each locale does for Christmas. For example, when I lived on Long Island as a child, we would get up and open presents on Christmas morning, then head to the Jewish bakery to get fresh, hot bagels to take home for breakfast. The Jewish bakery was always open on Christmas, and there is nothing like hot bagels. When we moved from there to Canada, we tried to continue the tradition, but honestly, frozen bagels from the grocery store just are not the same thing!

I took a poll on the vanpool this morning. Overwhelmingly, the favorite holiday taste was eggnog! I love eggnog – and at its best, it is so thick that it coats the glass, and you never quite get that last little bit. My Mom makes Cherry Balls every year – only at Christmas. (Maraschino cherries, wrapped in a cream cheese/sugar/coconut mixture, then rolled in crushed graham cracker crumbs.) They are such a favorite that I fear she might be banished if she didn’t make them. We had a neighbor when we lived on Long Island that made us a wonderful Christmas treat – small balls of some sort of cookie that had been dipped in honey, and stacked to look like a Christmas tree. Sticky, messy – and DELICIOUS! Then there are the boxes of chocolates, everybody’s favorite – the fruitcake, the peppermint (in some countries, they give a peppermint pig every year – I’m not sure why), hot chocolate…well, the list goes on and on and on.

Part of the reason that these things are so special is because in many instances, they will only be found right around the holidays. My Mom’s cherry balls are very labor intensive, and she just doesn’t make them often. It seems that very nearly everything I remember about Christmas through the years involves food in one way or another. And most of the time, my attitude has been, “I’ll eat/drink this cherry ball/eggnog/_____________ because I only get it around Christmas, and I will worry about the weight AFTER the holidays.”

I do believe that it is important to occasionally relax the rules, but I must confess, in my past – I didn’t just relax the rules – I threw them out the window – buried them in the backyard – and never thought about them again. If one cherry ball is good, five are better, and 10 are even better! When I wanted to eat something – I ate it – with no thoughts for what it was doing to my body – and no thoughts about consequences of my actions. It is kind of like buying something on credit – it might be nice not to have to pay for it this second, but eventually, that bill is going to come due.

This year – hopefully, I will be making better choices at every junction. I have already had opportunity to do so, and I’m happy that I have been able to triumph. OK – that might seem overly dramatic, but that is what it feels like to me – triumph over my history – triumph over my desires – triumph over my weight. And every time that I am able to make good choices, it gives me more confidence that I will be able to do it again.

The Sounds of Christmas

Music has always been a HUGE part of my Christmas season. I know every word to every song from the classic animated holiday specials: Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer; Frosty; The Little Drummer Boy; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; Santa Claus is Coming to Town; etc. (And true confessions, I still watch as many of them as I can EVERY year!) I know the words to even obscure verses of most Christmas carols. And because I have sung in choirs and choral groups most of my life, I know a lot of other songs and different arrangements of familiar songs.

Since Dave is a minister of music, we start listening to Christmas music as early as May or June. He has the musical picked out for the church before choir breaks for the summer. But I don’t mind at all – Christmas music is my absolute favorite kind of music – and I would listen to it all year if I could get away with it. Every year, I start pestering to Dave to put our Kenny G Christmas CD in so that we can listen to it as we drift off to sleep. Most nights, I barely make it through the first song. (For the record, on this issue – Dave is adamant that we not start listening to Kenny G until at LEAST the day after Thanksgiving.)

And on top of everything else – there is CAROLING! Walking the neighborhood – with friends and family – singing my heart out – making people smile – Does it get any better than that? The last several years, I have not had any energy by the time the group from church decided to go out caroling. Most years, Dave goes, and I have stayed home, wishing I could be there, but knowing that it would push too far, and I would pay a steep price for the choice. This year, I have every intention of going caroling – and loving every minute of it! Less weight equals more energy, which means that I get to do more things I love to do. And since singing is pretty much at the top of the list, I have plans to be right there in the thick of things!

Tomorrow, I’m going to talk about the BIG ISSUE – food memories of Christmas. I wanted to think about all of the other memories I have that do not have anything to do with food. Separating food from the memories is very helpful for me. And knowing that I can make NEW memories, again separated from food, is good for me.

“We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!”

More Christmas Memories

Not only am I a big kid when it comes to Christmas, but I’m also like a magpie – if it’s shiny and sparkly, I love it. That goes for clothes, or jewelry, and especially Christmas lights. Some families go to something like “The Nutcracker” every year. Some families take a trip – or go skiing. My family drove around to look at Christmas lights. Forty-something years ago – you did not often find the elaborate light displays you can see today. Most families would put up a Christmas tree near a window facing the street and maybe a wreath. But, if you were lucky enough to find a house that actually had outside lights – it was all worth the drive.

We would discuss the houses we saw – what we liked – what we didn’t like. I remember going into some neighborhoods and being awed by the simplistic beauty of a wreath on the front door, lit by a spotlight. Or my FAVORITE – someone had “wrapped” their front door like a big present. There was one family, way back when, that had outlined every single edge on their house with blue lights. That was the most impressive thing I had ever seen. Every window, every corner, every line on the roof – all in blue. It was breath-taking!

A few years later, the trend was electric candles in the window. Every home with those candles looked so warm and inviting. And eventually – there came the icicle lights. I thought those were the coolest! The trends continue – LED lights, big inflatable sculptures for the yard, applications that allow you to sync the display with music – every year it seems that there are bigger and better things to make your yard and house a wondrous display of lights and Christmas décor.

I still love to drive around and look at lights. I have discovered that the best lights are most likely NOT going to be in the higher income neighborhoods. I will “oooh” and “aaah” with the best of them – over lights that flash or are excessive. And yet, I still love something simple – like a beautiful wreath with a spotlight.

And this does tie into my weight loss journey. There are always going to be new trends – new fads – new diets. What was absolute gospel last year (or even last week) might be the worst thing you can do today. Sometimes, the simple thing is the best thing. Eat less – eat what is good for you – drink lots of water. Making progress!

Christmas Memories

I am a kid when it comes to Christmas. I was always the first one up – wait – who am I kidding?!?! I never even went to sleep on Christmas Eve! My senior year of high school – one of my gifts to parents was to let them sleep until 6:00 a.m. But as I think back over the years – my memories are not about presents I received, but about time spent with friends and family – doing things that we only did at this very special time of year. I thought I would take a walk down memory lane and write about some of my fondest Christmas memories.

Let’s talk about anticipation. Like I said, I was ALWAYS the first one up on Christmas morning. Many times, I woke my parents up only to be told that it was too early – and I needed to go back to bed. Eventually they gave up and got up. Now, the rule at our house was that nobody could go downstairs to the tree until Dad got up, went downstairs, turned on the Christmas lights, and got a cup of coffee. I would sit at the top of the stairs, wriggling with excitement – looking over the bannister at the stockings. It seemed to take FOREVER for that cup of coffee to brew! (There were no Bunn or Keurig coffee makers back then!) And I’m sure Dad prolonged the ritual – for as long as he could – just to build the expectation. It worked. He’s a pretty smart man – he knew that delaying gratification makes the eventual event even sweeter.

My Dad is a preacher – and has spent much of his career in new church work – many times working as a missionary, and raising support. There were not huge amounts of things under the tree every year, but everything there was done with a lot of love and a lot of thought. I never, ever felt cheated. Dad knew that if we had rushed downstairs and ripped open all the presents – it would have been over in a flash – and then what would we do? So, he dragged out the getting ready part – to make everything last longer. In fact, the morning was designed to make everything last longer. Every little thing in our stocking was wrapped – we opened presents one at a time – with everyone else watching. I miss those days of waking everyone up early. (As a side note, when my sister’s kids were little, we usually had to wake them up. On Christmas morning!)

I’ve already established that I am not a patient person by any stretch of the imagination. But there really is something to be said for anticipation and for delaying gratification, and it translates to some of my issues with eating. If there is something I really want to eat – sometimes waiting for it is better. I appreciate it more if I have to wait for it. It also gives me a chance to THINK about what I’m doing. Occasionally, I decide that I really don’t want to eat it after all. That’s OK. Sometimes I decide that I really do want to eat it – and that’s OK, too. Taking the time to make a conscious choice, rather than unconsciously stuffing something into my mouth, gives me an opportunity to examine why I want to eat it.

For the record, I still get up early on Christmas morning. And I still love the anticipation of opening stockings, and watching people’s faces as they open the gifts I have planned for each of them. Only 17 more days! Yippee!

Wilson Open House Declared a SUCCESS!

Wow…wow…WOW! This weekend has been remarkable. We made it through the Open House with no problems! We had 61 guests. We did NOT run out of food. And everyone really seemed to enjoy himself or herself. I loved visiting with everyone. And the news keeps getting better. In recent years, I have had to “park” myself and sort of let people come to me. I was pretty much wiped out by the time the party happened – so much so, that Dave did most of the refilling – and DEFINITELY wiped afterwards! For several years, I have collapsed in my chair afterwards – and fallen sound asleep while Dave did the entire cleanup. And I was pretty much in the same state for the rest of the weekend and into the next week. This year, I was up and moving, visiting, refilling, and doing whatever needed to be done. And I helped with cleanup. And some friends stayed later, so we could play cards. And I was fine all day yesterday, even with an extra choir rehearsal, a drama rehearsal, and going to a concert last night. And today, I feel GREAT! I didn’t just SURVIVE the Open House, I THRIVED! Whoohoo! And the best part??? From Friday morning to this morning, I LOST 2.4 pounds, even with all the goodies in my house. Definitely a success, in every definition of the word.

I went back to the surgeon today. It is so much fun to have a doctor PLEASED with my progress (instead of harping on me about how I need to lose weight). The staff in the office just loved the new and improved me. They took some after pictures for their book – not my final “after” pictures, of course, but just to show my progress. As of this morning, I have reached a new goal – I have less than 100 pounds to go. I’ve lost 63.91% of what I want to lose. And I have lost a total of 176.0 pounds, (116.2 since surgery). I have lost 112 inches (9 feet, 4 inches). My next goal is to lose 200 pounds total – and I really hope to reach this by February 24 – which will be my one-year anniversary from surgery. That will happen in 24.0 pounds – so stay tuned!

Losing weight while on vacation and during the weekend of my Open House has been good for me. It reinforced that I can and do make good choices – that I’m changing the way I interact with food – and that I’m making lasting changes. I did taste some of my goodies – but one taste was enough – and I didn’t need any more. And more importantly – it gives me confidence to keep on making those choices and changes. Sometimes, I think a person needs something positive to hang onto – and this surgery has given me that hold.

One More Day

One more day until the Open House…we still have plenty to do, but it occurred to me this morning that I am so much better off than I was last year. I am breathing great – not huffing and puffing for air. I’m a little tired, but nowhere near as exhausted as I was the day before the Open House last year. I’ve lost just under 130 pounds since this time last year. According to my list – that is equivalent to a newborn giraffe! Can you imagine the energy it would require to pick up a newborn giraffe – let alone carry it around ALL THE TIME? This is an exciting time.

Yesterday, my Mom and I were doing some figuring. If I continue to lose at my current average – by the time my one-year anniversary (for the surgery) gets here, I will have lost a TOTAL of 200 pounds (140 since surgery.) HOW COOL IS THAT! It is so rewarding when I can see and measure progress.

This is my favorite time of the year – by far! I love the music, the lights, and the times to fellowship with friends and family! I love the special programs, the weather (even if I AM freezing), and the special treats. But most of all – I love the REASON for the SEASON. I am so blessed.

A Southern Hostess

People are often surprised when I say that we could have 80 or more people at house this Saturday. I LOVE to entertain – and I learned from my Mama how to be a gracious hostess, in true southern style. There are two main rules for being a good southern hostess:

1. Make sure your guests are comfortable. I think about the things that make me comfortable (or uncomfortable) in someone’s home, and then I act accordingly. I don’t like to be in someone’s home where there are a lot of rules, or a lot of things I could break (it’s a pretty sure bet I WILL break something). Another thought from my Mama – “Things are things, and people are people, and you had better know which is important.” Accidents happen, and generally, the person who has dropped or broken or spilled something already feels bad – so I do my best to assure them that my concern is whether or not they are OK. I also don’t like being in someone’s home when they are so busy fussing, and serving, and cooking, and DOING that I don’t get a chance to spend any time with them. So, I try to make sure that I do as much as possible ahead of time – so that I can sit and talk and relax with my guests. Never let them see you sweat – and really, don’t sweat the small stuff. If I forget to put something on the table – I laugh about it – put it on the table – and go right on visiting.

2. Do not ever, ever, ever, EVER run out of food. The southern thought process is that is far better to feed an army with the leftovers, than to run out of food. With an Open House, this can be challenging, because there is no way to know exactly how many people will be there. There are no RSVP’s – and an open invitation is extended to the church, to the people I work with, and to various friends who don’t fall into any other category. It is reasonable to assume that most will NOT come, but if they ALL come, and we don’t have enough…well, that is one time I WOULD sweat! Fortunately, I have never run out of food – and we usually have a pretty consistent number of people year to year. I still make extra though (and the bonus is that I get to use all of that food later – to take a platter to work – to take some goodies to a party or a friend’s house.) For years, Dave tried to get me to make less food – but now he realizes that is a losing battle – and I’m happy to report that he has not said one thing this year!

We always try to have the same number of sweet things versus non-sweet things, with some healthy (or healthier) choices for those who are trying to be careful. Anything that I can do up ahead of time is done. I have the linens and serving dishes ready to go, so that actual setup is easy. During the party, Dave and I take turns checking to see what needs to be refilled. He’s a super help at times like this – and enjoys entertaining as much as I do. When everything is all over – I will be tired, but very happy that we were able to do this one more year. It’s a great way to kick off the Christmas season!

Christmas Goodies

Our Annual Open House is this weekend. Taking off for Canada made this week a little rushed, but I have every confidence that I will get everything done that needs to be done, especially since I have a wonderful husband and good friends who are helping me. So far, this week:

Decorating – check
10 pounds of fudge – check
Triple batch of haystacks – check
1 double batch of holly – check (I still have 1 batch to go)

A good friend came over last night and helped me get this much done.
Tonight, I may try to do the other double batch of holly. Tomorrow night, another friend will be helping me decorate some butter cookies (lots of butter cookies) to look like wreaths. I still have the non-sweet items to work on: baked potato dip (I will make 3 batches on Friday night), veggie tray, meatballs and hot hors d’oeuvres (done up right before the party), coffee and punch (again, right before the party). And some final cleaning. Dave, of course, has done a lot, and will be a big help getting everything finished. And then – it’s party time!

I have tasted some of what I am doing, but I have been very careful – and I HAVEN’T GAINED ANY WEIGHT. This is very, very cool! I licked the pot on the first batch of fudge, but that was more than enough, and I have not wanted even one more taste. So far, my BLT philosophy (bite, lick, taste) is working. I think this would be much harder if I denied myself from having anything – this way, I get a little bit, it’s enough to satisfy me, and I don’t want any more.

If you are in the area, stop by for the Open House – anytime between 3:00 and 7:00 on Saturday, December 4, 2010.

The Cold North

It was cold in Canada. Let me rephrase that – I was COLD in Canada. Of course, I am cold in Atlanta, so there was reasonable assurance I would be even colder in Canada. I spent my days and nights completely bundled up – and was so thankful that a dear friend bought me long underwear! That really helped. One night, I slept in my socks, long johns, with my flannel pajamas over top, and I was under a sheet, a blanket, a comforter, and a heavy cotton bedspread - doubled over – I had so many layers on top of me that it was difficult to move. And I was still so cold that I just ached. I finally got up in the middle of the night and put my hat on, and then I was able to drift off to sleep. When Dave woke up and saw me the next morning, he just laughed! But I did what I had to do to get (or stay) warm.

It amazes me how easily I take action when I am cold, but how often I have neglected to take action about my weight. When I am cold, I will do WHATEVER is necessary to get warm: snuggle under a blanket, put extra layers on, turn on a heating pad…realistically, the problems and distress caused by being overweight are far more serious than being cold, but again and again and again, I just ignored it. And the health problems that were connected to obesity – forget about that! However, I am really looking at life differently, now. I see my obesity as a serious thing – and every minute of every day I am aware that I do have choices, and slowly but surely I am learning to make the right choices.

People often ask me if I think being cold is a phase that will eventually pass. Honestly, I don’t know – I HOPE so, but if it doesn’t, I will continue to bundle up, take blankets and sweaters with me everywhere I go, and do what I need to do to get or stay warm. I do know, however, that making good choices about the things I put in my mouth is never going to be something that I can relax on – if I want to continue losing down to my goal weight, and if I want to stay as healthy as possible. So again, I will do what I have to do. So, keep praying for me!

GREAT VACATION!

We had a GREAT time – but it is SO GOOD to be back! I intended to keep a very detailed journal while I was away, but that didn’t happen. So, I will try to spend this week writing about everything that happened.

First of all, NO SEATBELT EXTENDER! I was so very happy about that. But when I got on the plane to come home, I panicked just a little – I asked my husband if he thought I had gained enough weight to need one again. (It is so difficult to get that body image out of my mind!) He patiently (almost) said, “Teri, even if you did gain weight, there is no way that you gained that much.” But the truth is, I actually LOST WEIGHT while I was gone. I did not take a lasix the night before we left, thinking about being on the plane. So that morning, my weight was up a little. This morning – exactly 2 weeks later, my weight was down 4.6 pounds! This says to me, that I am learning to make good choices – no matter what!

One of Dave’s cousins asked me what I was replacing food with – meaning, of course, that for so long, food was such an important part of my life. So if food is no longer playing that important part – what is? I had to think about that for a while, but my answer was, “PEOPLE” – relationships. We had a blast on vacation connecting with people. Email, Facebook, and phone calls are great, but there is NOTHING like being face to face with the people you love! It was wonderful to spend time with our friends and family in Canada. One friend hugged me and said, “There is so much less of you to hug!” Everyone was pretty amazed at the changes in me. But I think the most telling thing happened after church on Sunday. A big group of us went out to lunch. I had my usual little bit – taking at least half of my meal home. A couple of friends were watching me – and commented later that it didn’t seem like I even noticed that I wasn’t eating as much – I didn’t seem to miss it at all. I was focused on laughing and talking with friends – and THAT was the important thing to me. They are right – I don’t miss the food part at all. I sure do miss being with them, though. I’m very glad to be back home – sleeping in my own bed, hugging and loving on my cats – I wish there was a way I could be in both places at once!

CELEBRATION!

There is much to celebrate today! First of all, it is my last work day before vacation! Secondly, a wonderful lady at work gave me several pairs of jeans. I took them home and washed them – then tried them on. Guess what – I’m wearing a size 20 pair of jeans this morning! And my husband PROMISED me that they are not too tight! They feel great, and I can move and sit – and I even got the zipper up without having to suck in my breath! All of the pants that I bought in July and August are a size 24. This is tangible evidence that I continue to lose! And finally, I have worked on a big project all last week and this week. Wednesday, I turned it in to the CFO of our company. He actually took the time to call me and tell me that I had done an amazing job, and that it looked wonderful! WOW – that makes me REALLY happy!

I am down 171.6 pounds from my biggest, and 111.8 pounds from surgery 37 weeks ago. I’m excited about seeing family and friends in Canada, but a little nervous, too – I have gotten used to the attention down here from everyone, but the changes are drastic for people who haven’t seen me in nearly a year. I hope they are blown away!!!

There is a lot for me to do before I can leave work today – hugs to everyone!

Honoring Veterans

A salute to all the veterans, and active military personnel. A big, heartfelt “THANK YOU” to anyone who has served his or her country. We don’t say it often enough – but we are truly grateful for all you do or have done to protect our freedom and to keep us safe.

I’m sure that there is much I will never understand about what it means to serve in the armed forces. I can’t imagine the sacrifices you make. I can’t fathom how it must hurt to have someone whose freedom you have defended turn around and criticize you for doing your duty. I can’t imagine how it must feel to have to have all four wisdom teeth pulled when you are so far away from home, like one young man from my church experienced this week, while serving in Afghanistan. All I can do is make sure that I say, “Thank You” at every single opportunity.

What makes this even more amazing is that we live in a country where serving is a choice a person makes, not something they are forced to do. And because they make that choice – so many others of us don’t have to. Have you hugged a veteran today?

Happy (or Should I Say "Jolly") Wednesday!

It’s Wednesday already! I can hardly believe how quickly this week is going. I got my hair cut last night, in preparation for my trip – short and sassy, and I LOVE it! My hair grows so fast that it really wasn’t doing what it should be doing – and now it’s back to the look I fell in love with a few weeks ago – just in time for my trip! I’m crossing things off my lists – both at work and at home. Slowly, but surely, we are making progress.

I was talking with my Mom this morning, like I do nearly every morning, and I confessed something to her. I’m still surprised that this is actually working. In my heart of hearts, I had very low expectations. I WANTED it to work, but I was petrified that it wasn’t going to. And some days, I still wonder if this is a dream, a wonderful dream, but a dream nonetheless, and I’m going to wake up and find myself exactly where I was a year ago. I have to say – if this IS a dream, and I ever DO wake up, somebody please shoot me! I don’t want to ever go back there – to the frustration and the depression and the pain of being so grotesquely overweight.

When I was a little girl, I described one of my parents’ friends as “jolly.” They both looked at me kind of funny, and asked me what I thought “jolly” meant. Of course, at that time, the only times I had ever heard the word was around Christmas, and “jolly ol’ Saint Nick.” So, not having any other context, I thought it was a nicer way of saying “fat.” (I mean, no one really wants to call Santa Clause “fat”, right?!) I know in my life, there were plenty of times that someone might have called me “jolly” – or at least something close, like “cheerful” or “happy” or “fun” or “jovial.” But what they saw was really and truly just an act. I tried not to let anyone see the pain – or the heartache – or the self-loathing. This journey has brought about the most amazing change, though. It isn’t an act anymore. I am happier – with myself – and that makes me happier all the way around. So, if I am laughing now – it’s from joy – not because I’m covering up some pain that is so deep I can’t even cry about it. I laugh a lot these days. Maybe I have graduated to “JOLLY!”

Making Lists

I’m a list maker. I admit it. I don’t think there is a 12 Step Program for list makers, but it might not be a bad idea. Getting ready for our trip, I make all sorts of lists: the list for all of the tasks I have to get done at home; the list for everything I need to finish before I leave work on Friday afternoon; the list of things to pack; the list of things to tell our cat sitter (and bird sitter). I enjoy crossing things off my list, and feeling like I’ve accomplished SOMETHING.

But as much as I enjoy making lists, I don’t think I have approached weight loss with the same enthusiasm. Maybe it was because the task before me seemed so daunting: Lose 275 pounds; change my complete attitude toward food; start an exercise program. How does one DO THAT? And since I guess that the real joy is not in MAKING the lists – it’s in crossing things OFF the list, it didn’t make sense to start a list of this magnitude.

But here I am, having lost 61.73% of those 275 pounds. I AM changing my attitude completely toward food. I AM exercising. And my list of accomplished goals is growing. Some have been small, seemingly insignificant things, like seeing my collar bone, or being able to cross my legs. Some have been much more significant, like losing 100 pounds since surgery, or being able to fly without a seatbelt extender (speaking of which, my test for this one will come on Monday – listen for a shout of joy – hopefully – Monday morning sometime after 8:00. If I fasten that seatbelt, I’m pretty sure that everyone in the Atlanta metro area anyway will be able to hear the shout!) Maybe making those lists isn’t such a bad idea, after all!

WOW - What a Weekend!

Start with the fact that for the first time in a long, long time, I have lost steadily over the last five days or so. I am officially at 170 pounds total lost – and 110 since surgery almost 37 weeks ago. Yippee! That makes me happy. I have lost 108.75 inches (9 feet, ¾ inch). That makes me happy. And I’m feeling SO MUCH BETTER – the sinus infection seems to have cleared up. (And yes, I will be finishing all of my drugs, just like the doctor ordered.) Also clearing up is the pretty intense gout attack I had over the weekend. More happy!

Saturday, we got our tree all set up – and it is beautiful, even if I do say so myself. We still have lots to decorate, and hopefully we will get most of it done this week – but the tree is the biggest effort, by far. Thanks to our special friends K and C – we got it done in record time! Hope you liked the monkey bread.

We went to a beautiful wedding on Saturday afternoon – and there was an incredible reading, blending Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s, “How do I love thee, let me count the ways” and several Scripture passages. It was beautiful. The reception was at a very nice country club – and the whole thing was quite the event. And the best part? We got to spend time with good friends.

Sunday, of course, was busy, and my husband’s quartet did a great job last night with their CD release concert. All in all, just one of those weekends that leaves you feeling good.

We are in the final countdown before our trip to Canada. Lots and lots to do, and a limited time to get it all done. But we will persevere, and everything will happen, I’m sure!

Feeling Better

The bad news – I definitely DO have a sinus infection. But the doctor gave me lots of drugs, and I have seen remarkable improvement in just one day. The good news – unlike so many times before when I have been sick, this time, I didn’t eat everything in the house in an effort to find something that made me feel better. In fact, I have actually lost weight with this illness, something I don’t EVER remember doing before! (I am the only person I know who can actually gain weight with a stomach virus – apparently even with all the stuff coming OUT, I was still putting more IN.) As of this morning, I am officially down 168.4 pounds – and 108.6 since surgery. I am feeling better, and am confident this will just be a memory in ten days.

A busy, busy weekend planned – we are decorating our tree tomorrow morning, with the help of some friends. A wedding tomorrow afternoon – over to some friends after that – Sunday, church and more decorating, then my husband’s gospel quartet is having a CD release concert. We need to get a start on the decorating part – since we will be in Canada when we usually decorate, and have to have everything done by the first weekend in December for our Open House. But life is good – and it will happen.

I will try to blog while I am gone – but don’t know how much I will get to post. Perhaps I’ll just keep a “diary” while I’m there – and publish it all when I get back.

Getting Nervous

We leave for Canada in 12 days, and today it is official: I have a sinus infection. So, I have called the doctor to see what I can do. Best case scenario: He will call in a prescription for something, it will have plenty of time to work, and I will be feeling GREAT by the time I get on the plane. Another scenario: He will insist on seeing me, even though I have this kind of infection repeatedly. But he will see me, give me a prescription for something, and then it will have plenty of time to work, and I will still be feeling GREAT by the time I get on the plane. Worst case scenario: I beg somebody to shoot me and put me out of my misery, and I don’t have to worry about getting on the plane. OK, OK – I’m just kidding, mostly.

Our bodies really and truly are amazing things. Even when I am sick, look at all of the things that keep doing what they are supposed to be doing: my heart keeps pumping, my lungs keep filling up and expelling air, my blood keeps circulating, my eyes keep blinking…the list goes on and on and on.

“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:13-14, NIV)

I am one of HIS works. I remember seeing a bumper sticker once that read, “God doesn’t make junk!” He made me, so therefore, I can’t be junk! Even on the days I sort of feel like something to be put out with the trash. Thank You, LORD!

I'm Siiiiiicccccckkkkkk...

OK – maybe not sick enough to whine about it – but definitely not feeling up to my usual self. What started as a scratchy throat yesterday morning turned into a definite sore throat by yesterday afternoon. Today it hurts to swallow, period. So far, all I have managed are hot liquids. I did gargle with warm salt water this morning, but it didn’t do much. I’m not running a fever, which is good news, but this just isn’t any fun at all.

In my past, I have always used not feeling well as a license to eat whatever I wanted. This time, I’m not doing that. Of course, I want to AVOID swallowing as much as I can, but on a deeper level – I am totally aware that eating what I want will not make me feel better. It will make me feel worse. And then I have all of the emotional garbage on top of the sore throat. I’m doing my best to stay hydrated, and for today, that’s all I really am going to do. I am miles away from where I started this journey. This is real progress.

When I was growing up, I had to be really sick to stay home from school. And on those occasions when I DID stay home, lunch was ALWAYS a cup of bouillon and dry soda crackers. For some people, that might not be a terrible thing, but I dislike soup in general, and bouillon in particular. Knowing what would be served for lunch probably kept me from faking illness – because I had to be really sick to even think about eating bouillon. My only choice in the matter was whether I wanted beef or chicken bouillon. To this day, I will not even have bouillon in my house. My tastes have matured though – I enjoy the occasional cup of soup – even more so if it is homemade.

I’ll try not to whine too much today – and I hope to be feeling better tomorrow!

Taking Stock

Boy, this year has gone faster than I can possibly imagine! It has been a good year with lots of changes, lots of challenges, and lots of progress. There were also tremendous amounts of support and encouragement.

I spent quite a while talking yesterday to a dear friend, who has also had her struggles with self-esteem and weight issues. It occurred to me yesterday that it doesn’t matter whether it is 10 pounds or 300 pounds, the self-esteem struggles are massive. It is so easy to look at the “beautiful” people surrounding us in the media – to compare ourselves, and to come up short. So many of us are looking for a perfect IDEAL – and when we don’t hit that mark, we call ourselves failures, and beat ourselves up.

We fail to realize that different cultures – and different time periods – had very, very different IDEALS. In this country alone, all the way through the 1940’s and even into the 1950’s – the IDEAL woman was curvy. Sometime in the 1960’s, a very small model changed everything – and suddenly every woman wanted to be Twiggy. In some cultures, wealth is measured by weight (the bigger person has enough to eat, so therefore he or she must be wealthy).

Unfortunately – we often use one standard to measure ourselves – and a completely different standard to look at other people. Think about it. What happens when you meet a new person? I ask questions – find out interesting things. I get a sense of who the person is – what their values are – if we have anything in common. I may decide that this is someone I would like to know better – or sometimes, I may decide that I’m really not interested in anything more than being a casual acquaintance. But I do not ever remember making that decision on what they look like, or whether they are carrying a few extra pounds – or a few pounds too little. If I looked at other people with the critical eye I use on myself, people would consider me shallow, and they certainly wouldn’t want to get closer. (Yes, it’s sad, but there ARE people like that in our society. The media encourages that mentality. But the people who mean the most to me are definitely not that kind of person.) I don’t ever want anyone to think that of me – so, if I’m honest, I can’t be that kind of person EVEN WITH MYSELF.

So, my goal, as we close this year, is to be a little kinder to myself – a little gentler with the criticism. And a better person for it.

Dressing Up

I LOVE dressing up – getting to pretend I’m anyone I want to be. They always have a costume contest at work – and this year I wore my kimono – and wig. The kimono is authentic. Several years ago, a former exchange student was coming back to visit us – and asked for our measurements so that she could bring us custom made kimonos. I carefully measured everything, but I’m pretty sure whoever was making the kimono took one look at my hip measurement, and decided that no one could possibly be THAT huge, and it appears that they switched the hips and the height measurement. (Either that, or they had difficultly converting it from inches.) Whatever happened, the hips were way too small, and the length was excessive.

But this year, when I put it on – the kimono closes in front. It is still a little long – but otherwise it fits! VERY, VERY cool! The obi is a complicated thing of five layers. I’m not really sure that I have them in the right order, but I was able to get it on - and again, TOO COOL, the top layer wraps around 1 ½ times, just like it is supposed to. (The last time I wore the kimono and obi, I could only get it wrapped around one time.) Both of these things represent significant inches lost – and that makes me very, very happy.

It’s fun to dress up as someone or something else. But lately, I have really decided that I like being me. That is a tremendous change from who I was eight months ago. I didn’t like myself at all – and my fat was a barrier between me and most of the rest of the world. Don’t get me wrong – there were a number of people who loved me then, just as I was – who cared, who worried, who saw ME. But for every person who bothered to look – there were a whole lot more who made judgment about the fat lady – and never got any closer. To those true friends, I have to say that I love you with all my heart. Thank you for knowing ME – the real me, under the fat, under the pain, under the issues. A lot more people look at me this year – but I have really discovered, it doesn’t matter at all – the people who love me, are going to love me – not because of what I look like, or what I’m pretending to be – but because of who I am, deep inside.

Breaking Through

Today, I broke through a barrier. For about four weeks, I have hovered between 270 and 275. I haven’t gone ABOVE 275 – which is great – but I couldn’t get below 270. I tried lots of things – doing the treadmill more – eating less – nothing seemed to matter. But this morning, total JOY – I was 269.2. The really good news in all of this? I haven’t been frantic about my lack of progress. Annoyed? Yes. Frustrated? Definitely. But not panicked.

My health insurance company sends out a monthly newsletter. Normally, I glance over and through the articles, but don’t settle down to read them. However, today they had a really good article on emotional eating. Since I’m am, and always will be, an emotional eater, I thought I would include the link for it here: http://www.humana.com/resources/healthy_living/articles/mental_wellness/emotional_eating.aspx?WT.mc_id=EMEPPOCT10

Don’t get me wrong – I am learning to make better choices. I am fighting this. But like an alcoholic who always says, “I’m an alcoholic” – even after years of sobriety, I will always have to say that I’m an emotional eater. The tendency to turn to food for more than nutrition will always be one of my battles.

I’m making progress in all of the areas listed in the article, except one, and it is one that is often not associated much with losing weight: Get enough sleep. I’m up at 5:30 to get ready for work – and many nights, do not even get home from evening activities until 9:00 or sometimes even later. By the time I sit down to unwind and relax a bit – it is frequently 11:00 or later before I start to get ready for bed, and I am often pushing midnight before I actually get into bed. I have been blessed to be able to fall asleep almost instantly, but that still doesn’t give me the sleep I need. So, I’m putting it out there – my goal is to be IN BED by 10:30 on weeknights (before work), and 11:30 on weekends. And I am willing to let all of my friends and family who faithfully read this hold me accountable on this. But be patient with me – it is going to be difficult.

DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!

It’s that time of year, when everyone’s thoughts turn to goblins and ghosts. Several of the TV stations run scary movies in the days leading up to Halloween. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that all of these movies have a moment in time where one of the characters is going to open the door/window and the monster/ghoul/zombie/mummy is on the other side. I usually BEG the character not to do it, but apparently they can’t hear me – and boom - well, we all know what happens next.

I went to a haunted house in Gatlinburg one time. I went with a bunch of friends – and we worked ourselves up into a pretty bad scare just in the first room. It was a room with 12 identical doors. A few doors would open a little bit – and there was something blocking it. A couple doors opened into walls – or loud screams. One door opened into a passageway that came back into the room. Finally, there was only one door left – we finally worked up enough courage to open that door, and just as we got to it – someone jumped out – and scared us to death in the meantime. He had some sort of monster mask on. We ended up in a tight clump clear on the other side of the room. He kept pointing towards the door – indicating it was the one to go through – but it took us a few minutes to get up the courage. Finally I noticed that he had Nike sneakers on – how scary could he really be? So, we eventually made it through the door.

The rest of the haunted house was fairly uneventful – but it didn’t matter, we had worked ourselves up into a great big scare, and we jumped at everything. And then we got to the top floor. There was a little hallway. One side had an outdoor balcony that allowed you to see most of Gatlinburg. The other side had a balcony that opened all the way down (3 stories) to the entrance foyer. I stepped out onto that little balcony – just big enough for one person. And totally rigged to tilt forward. I’m sure it was only 10 degrees, or so, but it felt like I was going to plummet to my death three stories down. And I’m sure my scream echoed throughout Gatlinburg – and quite possibly was heard as far away as Knoxville.

Sometimes it’s fun to be scared. Haunted houses, scary movies – all of these things make big bucks, because people like to be scared. But when things happen in my life that are truly scary – for some reason I try to pretend that they aren’t real. I’m talking about things like serious health issues – congestive heart failure, kidney problems, or diabetes. Things that I may not have any control over. Things that can be intensified by weight. I spent a couple of years gasping for breath before I finally saw a doctor and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. The scare from that was a lot worse than any movie or haunted house, and it didn’t go away. And even after I faced the reality – I didn’t lose the weight. I guess I wasn’t scared ENOUGH. I am so grateful for the doctor who got in my face – who laid it out in black and white – who said to me, “Lose weight, or die.” He is the one who started me on this journey of weight loss. I’m still scared – some days the fear is paralyzing. It’s hard knowing that I have contributed to these health issues. It’s difficult knowing that they aren’t going to get better. It is really scary thinking that for the rest of my life – no matter how long that is – I will have to fight these battles. Maybe it’s a good thing to OPEN THAT DOOR and face my fears.

Making Plans

I LOVE making plans. This weekend is our Trunk-or-Treat at church. I’m making plans for my game, and my costume, and the prizes we will give out. Then I’m making plans for the release concert of my husband’s gospel quartet CD (FINALLY!) And, I’m really making plans for our trip to Canada in just over two weeks! I am already thinking about how we will get to and from the airport – what suitcase I’m going to take – and what clothes I’m going to take – and how I will stay warm. I’m already making plans with family and friends to celebrate Christmas, and New Year’s Eve while we are there. (OK, we’re rushing the season a LITTLE, but you have to celebrate when you can!)

Isn’t it funny that for all the plans I make (I’m a GREAT little list maker!), it has taken me a lifetime to start making plans about my health and about food? I spent a long time talking about it. I spent even longer thinking about it. But it stopped there. I didn’t DO anything about it. More times than not – I just “grabbed something” to eat, not really caring if it was good for me, not caring if it was what I should be eating. And more times than not, I ate the wrong things – and did damage to my heart, and my health in general. When I spend the time to pack my lunch and snacks – I know exactly what I am going to eat. There are no surprises – there are no “Oops, I don’t have anything to eat” moments, and I get the nutrition I need in the form I can eat it. I don’t rely on vending machines – or restaurants. Let’s face it – the “bottom line” in either of those is my MONEY, not my HEALTH. They don’t really care what they sell me, as long as they make money – and healthy food generally doesn’t make as much money as inexpensive fillers.

Having a plan is good. Sticking to it is even better. And seeing the progress makes it all worthwhile!

Update on Mom

My Mom is in a LOT of pain. She will see the orthopedic doctor this afternoon. Her arm is broken just below the ball of her shoulder. The swelling was so bad on Friday that they were unable to do anything but give her pain medication and send her home in a sling. They are hoping that the swelling will be down enough today to determine if they need to cast the arm – or to do surgery. I will keep everyone updated as I know more.

Last week I talked about making poor choices, and the consequences. I’m happy to report that my weight is headed in the right direction, and that I’m very nearly where I was before making the poor choices. It is interesting to note that it comes off a lot harder and a lot slower than it goes on. But this is an important lesson – one I would do well to remember. Perhaps the next time I have that kind of choice in front of me – I will remember how I felt after I made the wrong choice. I will think about how hard I have worked up until now, and how easy it was to lose ground. And I will especially think about how frustrating it was for me to lose again the couple of pounds I have already lost, and gained back.

Pushing Too Hard

Sometimes, I push too hard. There are so many things that I want to do – and sometimes it feels like I’m running out of time to do them all. My body will only take so much, and then, it decides that if I’m not going to take care of it myself – it will force the issue. Yesterday was one of those days – the fatigue went all the way to my bones – I could hardly hold my head up. So I stayed home from work – slept until nearly 11:00, and did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. Today, I feel better, still tired, but nothing like I felt yesterday. And I’m looking hard at my schedule – deciding that there are just some things I am going to have to back away from – in order to not let this happen again.

Right now – I’m worried. My Mom fell this morning – and hurt her shoulder bad enough that Dad has taken her to the emergency room. I don’t know how badly she is hurt – or what they will be doing to/for her. But I DO know that eating isn’t going to make her, or me, feel any better. So, I’m just putting her into God’s hands, and asking all my friends to pray.

A Rainy Morning

Is there anything better than turning off the alarm and burrowing under the covers to sleep in on a rainy morning? Sleeping in seems so much better than battling Atlanta traffic – especially in the rain. (I do not understand how a little water falling from the sky can turn ordinary drivers into LUNATICS! And if that precipitation happens to be white and fluffy – it’s even worse!) BUT WAIT – I have a REAL job – one I’m very thankful for – one that doesn’t see “sleeping in on a rainy morning” as a valid excuse for missing work. So this morning, reluctantly, I got out of bed and began my morning routine.

I’m happy to report that I made better choices yesterday than I did on Monday. My weight is headed back down. Nothing drastic, but pointed in the right direction – which is so much better than being pointed in the wrong direction!

Doing the things I SHOULD do isn’t always what I want to do. This morning, I would much rather have stayed in bed, sleeping as long as I like, getting up when I felt like it. But I appreciate that I have a job – and so I get up, get ready, and get to work.

This week, I’m tired of making good choices about what I eat. And when I see that stretching out for the rest of my life, because I know that I will ALWAYS have to be diligent and watchful – it can be overwhelming. But I appreciate the chance to take this journey – and I know that ultimately – it is the right thing to do, and I will feel better because I have.

Suffering Consequences

There are many people who think that the Weight Loss Surgery is my own personal magic wand – and the weight melts off with ease, and I don’t have to do anything else. The truth is I have to think about every single bite I put into my mouth. I have to choose to eat the right things, in the right quantities, for the right reasons. Most days, this happens. Yesterday it didn’t.

Before anyone panics (including me) – let me remind myself (and everyone else) that I am still committed to this journey. I’m not giving up – I’m not way off track. But yesterday, I made poor choices. I voted last night after work – so we were rushing around trying to get something to eat before heading off to a practice. We chose to eat subs, thinking that we wouldn’t have time to cook anything. Even when I eat a sub, I can make good choices – turkey, roast beef, chicken – eat just the meat/protein parts of the sandwich. But I didn’t. I had the Italian meats – all of which have very high sodium. I only had the smallest size, but I chose to eat all of it, including the bread. Another bad choice. Then, last night after rehearsal, I had some crackers and dip. These are things I am certainly allowed to have, but again, more sodium than I needed. The result? My weight is up a few ounces this morning. I don’t feel very well today – nothing major, but it is a direct consequence for my actions and choices yesterday. And it’s frustrating.

Fortunately, no long term damage has been done. I know what I need to do to get back on track. I am more determined than ever to make good choices for me. There are those who might argue that going off the path occasionally can even be a good thing – so that it doesn’t feel quite so much like a burden to eat what I know I should eat. While there might be a little merit in that thought – I know that I feel better when I make the right choices. I have more energy – I’m not kicking myself. One would think that all of the good that comes from choosing what I should versus all the bad that comes from not making good choices, it would be EASY to ALWAYS make the right choice. Obviously, I can’t say that.

I debated about blogging about this today – but when I began this journey, I made a promise to myself that I would be as open and honest about everything as I can be. And sometimes, that includes those things that I’m not proud of, even though it would be easier. But I spent many, many decades not being honest with myself about my food issues, and I paid dearly for that. So, I’m putting it out there, and asking that you keep praying for me.

The Eye of the Beholder

“We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don’t care for.” -- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

When I was in third or fourth grade, I went to a sleepover at a friend’s house. Her mother let us watch something that we never got to watch at my house, “The Twilight Zone.” This was a forbidden treat to me. The episode was called, “The Eye of the Beholder.” A woman has obviously had plastic surgery, and her face is completely bandaged. The doctor tells her that he is not sure that the surgery has been a success. The woman says, “I never asked to be beautiful, I just want to look like my people.” Then she assures him she is ready to take off the bandages. The face that is revealed is absolutely beautiful – but the doctor apologizes. She begs him to let her see herself in a mirror – and when he finally reluctantly agrees, she screams. And THEN you see the faces of the doctors and nurses in the room – all of whom have pig faces. She runs screaming through the hospital – confronted with these people at every turn – and ashamed of her face – the one that is so UGLY. As you can see, that episode made a HUGE impact on me.

Yesterday, at church, my personal nemesis came up to me. Normally, I brace myself when she comes near. I KNOW I am not going to like whatever she says – and I just do my absolute best to be pleasant and endure. Yesterday, she said, “You look beautiful NOW.” I don’t want to be affected by her; I try not to be affected by her, but OUCH! I don’t know if I flinched physically, but my soul flinched big time. Thankfully, a dear friend standing next to me bristled, and quicker than a grizzly mama defending her young, replied, “She has ALWAYS been beautiful.” (As a side note, if K EVER comes back as a grizzly mama, I absolutely will NOT be messing with her cubs!)

Upon reflection, I know that this woman and K were talking about different things entirely. I have no illusions – I will never win a beauty pageant. (I will never ENTER a beauty pageant – so it’s a sure bet I won’t win.) I don’t even want to win a beauty pageant. I understand that this woman has a totally different world view than I have or the people who matter to me have – and that is her choice. I get that there are circumstances in her life that have brought her to this place, and that the filter most people have in place that keeps them from saying hurtful things just doesn’t quite work the same way for her. I can only pray that God keeps His hand over my mouth, so that I never respond in kind.

The Serenity Prayer - Part 3

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

“The wisdom to know the difference…” Once again, I think that “wisdom” is a word meant for people far different from myself. I am intelligent – I have a lot of knowledge (much of it useless trivia). But “wise”? I don’t think so.

But then again, isn’t that the whole point of this prayer? I don’t have serenity, or courage, or wisdom – so I am asking God to give those things to me. My experience, though, is that God doesn’t give me a pill or potion to take that gives me instant peace, or courage, or wisdom. He puts me in situations where I get to practice those things. If I pray for peace, I often find myself in the least peaceful circumstances; if I pray for courage, I find myself in situations where I am afraid; and if I prayer for wisdom, my ignorance is surely going to show. I have learned to be cautious in what I pray for – because I know that I will soon be tested in that area.

I am very aware of the fact that how I see myself is very often not how other people see me. Others may indeed see me possessing these attributes, at least to some extent. But no one knows the inside like I do – except God. And He knows me even better than I know myself. I humbly admit that I cannot complete this journey without His help. I know that I am sadly lacking in all of these areas, but I am asking Him to help. And I have every confidence that He will.

The Serenity Prayer - Part 2

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

When I think of courage – I think of David facing Goliath – or a soldier fighting for what he believes in – or someone who has overcome tremendous odds to become an inspiration to the world. I am always very surprised at the number of times people have used the words “courageous” or “brave” to describe me, and/or the journey I am on now.

Yet in a very real sense, I suppose there is courage involved. I am battling my food demons. They aren’t what most people think of when they think of war – but they have kept me enslaved for decades. They have robbed me of joy – of peace – of health – of relationships. They have chained me to lies. They have controlled every aspect of my life for all of my adult life. And bit by bit, I am winning. Every time I make a good choice about food – I am breaking a link in the chain. Every time I exercise, even when I don’t really want to, I am rising triumphant. Every pound I lose, I am saying, “This is MY life. You can’t control it anymore!”

It also takes courage to expose my deepest thoughts and feelings about this journey. As time passes, I am more and more convinced that keeping it secret for so many years was the worst thing I could have done – yet I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it before. I couldn’t find the words to express the shame I carried with me all the time. I couldn’t face the humiliation of admitting I had a serious problem and asking for help. I couldn’t find a way out of the deep, dark hole I was in, and couldn’t see that there were people who would have helped if they had only known what to do.

I may never fight an enemy in a war, or face Goliath with nothing more than a slingshot and few small stones (and, of course, GOD!) But I am facing my demons, even though there have been many days that I am afraid. John Wayne once said, “Courage is being scared to death – but saddling up anyway.” I am doing what I have to do – even with the fear. And I guess, ultimately, that is the definition of courage.

The Serenity Prayer - Part 1

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

The first part of this is a prayer that is often used in the 12 Step Program – and very appropriate in my life.

If I asked 100 friends and acquaintances to describe me, I doubt that any of them would use words like “serene,” or “quiet,” or “calm.” That is really not my personality. People MIGHT say things like “animated,” or “dramatic,” or even “agitated.” But I don’t think this prayer is really referring to personality. I believe it is referring more to the understanding and acceptance that there really and truly are just some things in life that I cannot change.

Unfortunately, I do not very often have the serenity to accept those things, either. I want to change the world – to fit what I think it should be. And when my corner of the world doesn’t fit my picture, I get stressed. What a waste of energy! If I spent as much energy and time changing the things in my life that I CAN control as I spend worrying about and trying to change the things I CANNOT control, then my life would certainly be in a different place right now.

Picture a lake on a night where there is no breeze. A full moon is reflecting in the water. Maybe there is a cricket chirping, or a bullfrog singing, but otherwise, no noise whatsoever. I can feel the peace and tranquility all the way to the depth of my soul.

Sometimes, I need to stop, take a deep breath, and feel that peace. I can’t change traffic in Atlanta, so instead of getting upset when there is an accident that makes me late, I should picture my moonlit lake. I can’t change the way other people act around me, but I can take a deep breath and let it go. One of my goals is to find that serenity at every opportunity.

Thinking About Thanksgiving

Yesterday was Thanksgiving in Canada. Although it is a holiday, they have not made it the huge food and family day that it is here. A friend asked me yesterday which one we celebrate. I laughingly replied, “Whichever one has the best food.” Ironically, we will not celebrate EITHER one this year. We were here in the U.S. for Canadian Thanksgiving, and we will be in Canada for the U.S. Thanksgiving.

I have to be honest, for the most part, the traditional food at Thanksgiving does not do too much for me. Turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie, and cranberry sauce, I will eat – but if I don’t have any of those, I’m good. Don’t get me wrong – I have always eaten a LOT at that meal – mountains of mashed potatoes, a pile of Dad’s Waldorf salad, green bean casserole, and rolls with butter dripping off of them. It seems like we could eat for hours with the food at my house.

Just for fun, I closed my eyes and imagined what I would put on my plate, if I were going to be here for Thanksgiving this year. I would eat a little turkey – because I need the protein. I would have a tiny bit of the Waldorf salad – just because it tastes so very good. Hmmm – that’s about it. And I’m perfectly OK with that.

I realized today, that I have lost 60% of the weight I want to lose. OK, technically, it’s 59.64%, but that’s pretty close to 60%, so I’m rounding up. That is SO COOL!

A Good Weekend

You know that it is has been a good weekend when I weigh less on Monday morning than I did on Friday morning. I have lost 164 pounds total, and 104.2 pounds since surgery.

We went to the Georgia National Fair in Perry, GA on Saturday. I LOVE the fair – there is so much to see and do – and SO MUCH TO EAT! Funnel Cakes – greasy pizza – cinnamon pecans and cashews – sausage – turkey legs – cotton candy – those are the staples, and then there are some very weird things, too – deep fried snickers bar, anyone? The smells attack from all sides – tempting and beckoning. But I did well – I had a little pulled pork when it was time to eat lunch. And a friend bought some of the cinnamon roasted nuts, and I had a few of those. But I walked past all of the other things.

I did have one really bad moment – there was a couple, both of whom were very large – she had to walk with crutches, and he was also having difficulty. It looked like he might have had cellulitis. It made my heart hurt as I watched them slowly make their way around. If other people looked at them, it was easy to read the disgust or sometimes pity on the onlooker’s faces. I felt their pain as if it were my own – because it has been my own.

But we had a great time with friends, we did a lot of walking – it was beautiful weather, although a little too warm.

Sporting a New Do

I got my hair cut last night. I have to confess – I HATE getting my hair cut. Start with the fact that I’m horrible when it comes to doing anything with my hair. Some people can spend the time and effort to make their hair look beautiful. I can only say that I’m ENVIOUS of anyone who can do that. So once I get into the chair at the salon, I start with the premise that it has to be EASY, meaning, “fluff and go.” Anything more complicated than that, and it just isn’t going to happen. So, first I have to convince the stylist that I really and truly am NOT going to blow my hair dry, or curl it, or any one of the hundreds of other torture things people do. (I know they don’t believe me when I say I don’t even own a blow dryer, but it’s true!)

Second, I have to convince them that, yes, I really do want it short. Yes, I do understand that once we cut it off, we can’t put it back. Yes, I will be happy with it, as long as I don’t have to do anything to it. And finally, I have to face all the questions about color. I know that I have a LOT of gray/white. I know that a lot of people my age color their hair. I know that it would make me look younger. But thank you, no, I’m happy with it the way it is. I worked hard for each and every one of those gray hairs. I have named most of them. And I don’t want to color it.

But every once in a while, I find someone who actually listens to me – who pays attention and who does what I want. (Just as a side note – it is MY hair, and MY money – shouldn’t I ALWAYS get what I want???) And that is what happened last night. It is a little funky – a little sassy – VERY EASY – and I love it! And so far, everyone who has seen it likes it, too.

When I get a new hairstyle that I like – I just feel better about myself. It doesn’t drastically change my life – or my circumstances. It doesn’t make all my problems go away. But it does give me a little boost of confidence, maybe a little spring in my step. The same is true about the changes I am making in my choices for food and health. I DO feel better about myself. I do enjoy life more, in general. Maybe I’m also sporting a new attitude.

So Very Grateful

I just wanted to take today to say a long overdue “Thank You” to the people who are taking this journey with me. There is no particular order, and I’m very certain that I will miss someone. I apologize in advance.
To my Mom and Dad – who have supported this decision whole-heartedly. I know how much they have worried over my health, and I know that this has not been easy for them. But they have re-examined their own thoughts about food and portions in order to help me on this journey. And in the process they have both lost weight. I’m so proud of them.

To Dave – my husband – who has not only been there with every turn and bump in the road, but has uncomplainingly accepted the financial sacrifices we have had to make in order for this to happen. And who wisely lets me make my own choices about what, when, and how much I eat. You’re my rock!

To V – who walked this road before me – and who continues to walk it now. Your absolute success in this is one of the main reasons I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could do this. Thanks for answering my every question – for “paying it forward” – for giving me hope. Know that I love you!

To K, K, C, H, L, S, V and J – my sister-friends (much more sister than friend) – who have listened through all of the good times and bad times on this journey. Who always ask – who always show excitement for me – who are ALWAYS there for me. It is about you that Proverbs 18:24 was written – “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

To the dear people of FCCJ – who see my progress as their own – who never fail to encourage me, with words, with hugs, with help making and taking in clothes, and occasionally with “just because” gifts to celebrate. Even those days when I’m a little discouraged, you never fail to lift me up! Individually and corporately, you have all been there for me, and if possible, I love you more now than I did before.

Very Interesting

It is COOL when people who see me every day/week get excited about my weight loss. It is REALLY COOL when people who don’t see me very often are surprised when they first see me in person. But I have to tell you – it is AMAZING when people I do not even know stop me to comment about my weight loss. I work in a building with 18 floors. It is inevitable that I will see some people in the elevator or walking the halls – even though I don’t “KNOW” them. Yesterday, waiting on the elevator in the parking garage, I had five ladies stop me to ask what I was doing, because they were noticing the weight loss. People are watching, apparently even strangers in the building where I work.

This morning, I tried something that I haven’t tried in a long, long time. When I stepped out of the shower, I wrapped the towel around me. My husband and I always use the bath sheets – much larger than a regular towel. Even still – if I tried to wrap it around me, I would have a triangle of skin that just absolutely did not get covered. On TV or in the movies – the actress would be quite properly covered when she wrapped in a towel, and I was always a little envious (OK, OK – a LOT envious!) But this morning, not only did it wrap all the way around, but it also overlapped a good bit, so I was perfectly modest – perhaps not movie quality yet, but so much further than I have been. “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.” LOL!

32 Weeks out – I’m down 163 pounds total, and 103.2 pounds since surgery.

Celebrating this Wednesday! Loving my cheerleaders!

The Waning Moon

On the way to work this morning – I noticed the waning crescent moon. It wasn’t just the crescent – you could also see the shape of the full moon. It was a beautiful picture. The thing I first noticed was how bright the crescent was – but it was so cool to see the crescent as part of the whole.

It occurred to me that this is a perfect illustration for me on several levels. First of all, the weight loss is truly just part of the whole picture for me. I have said before that I love the attention I have been getting – I’m glad that people think I look good. But that is not why I started this journey. For me, that is just a small part of the picture. Granted, it is the part that is most visible – and very obviously the part that most people comment on. But the biggest reason for this journey is to improve my health – and that is happening.

Second, the moon this morning made me think of the difficulties in seeing my body as it is RIGHT NOW. When I look in the mirror, I still see the old picture. Despite all of the changes, I’m still the fat girl. Someone suggested that I blow up a picture of the old me to life size, then cut around that picture, and cut two inches to the inside, creating a two inch border (remember, this is life size.) Then I should tape this to a full length mirror, and stand in front of it, and see where I am NOW. OK – that’s pretty complicated, but I do see the point. The only thing I have to compare to is the picture in my head, and that picture is no longer accurate. It does give me something to think about, though.

Finally, even though the moon is constantly changing its phase and its position, it has been with us since very nearly the beginning of time.
“God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.” (Genesis 1:16-19, NIV)

This struggle with my weight has been part of my life ever since I can remember, and that isn’t going to change. I AM making better choices now, and my PLAN is to continue that into the future. But I will still have to make the choices. I will still have to decide what I will and will not eat. I will still have to read labels, and know what my nutrition needs are.

As a child, my Mom taught me this little poem: “I see the Moon, the Moon sees me. God bless the Moon, and God bless me.” God has blessed me abundantly and richly. Through this journey, one of my greatest blessings is the friends and family who have been such a support! A GREAT BIG THANKS to all of you!!!

(As a side note – I weighed this morning exactly what my husband does. I’ll take it!)