Shopping...

So, last night I went shopping for a bra. (Guys who read this - I know this is NOT the most important thing for you to read about - but this is MY blog, and I'm documenting MY journey, and this is part of it. Stop here if you want.)

I am not a shopper. I have NEVER BEEN a shopper. And last night was NOT the most fun.

I went with a friend to a store specializing in lingerie - and who also does bra fittings. Not having a clue what size I actually am - I figured I needed that. So one person measures me - and says 40D, and when I explained about the weight loss continuing, she said I would probably be OK with a 38D. So I start trying things on. Mind you, this store seems to cater to people who want to "flaunt" things. I'm much more interested in "supporting" things. I tried on several bras, and none of them were doing much of anything for me. So another clerk came in to see if she could help. She measures me again, and decided that I'm not a 40D - I'm a 44C. (Is it just me, or is that a BIG difference?) Unfortunately, they do not carry anything above a 40. By this time I'm hot, and sticky, and frustrated. And even if I could have found something that worked for me, I probably wouldn't have paid the expensive prices in that store.

So, still determined to get something that actually fits - I head off to a department store. It is 15 minutes before closing time - and I don't figure I have much of a prayer finding something that works. I find a style I like - pull three different sizes - and try on the 38D first. It fits perfectly, and I didn't even try on the other two sizes. This gives me some flexibility for future losses, it supports everything, and feels great! I bought it.

At Christmas, I purchased a bra up in Canada - it was the first time I ever actually had someone do a bra fitting for me. That one was a 48DD. So, there is marked improvement (if losing there can be considered improvement - lol!) I'm happy that I was able to find something that works for me - but it definitely has NOT improved my thoughts about shopping. At best, for me, it's a necessary evil.

Taking Pictures

We have some dear friends from my husband's college days visiting with us. They wanted to document their visit - and took all kinds of pictures last night. It occurred to me that my attitude toward having my picture taken has changed dramatically in the last few months. I used to HATE having my picture taken - I was so self-conscious about it. And I hated having proof of my size. (If you don't look in the mirror, and no one ever takes your picture - you can ALMOST fool yourself into thinking that maybe it really isn't so bad. But all it takes is ONE PICTURE to burst that bubble.)

But now, I look at pictures differently. It isn't a tortuous thing anymore. And I don't IMMEDIATELY think what a horrific picture it is. Granted, I still see a lot of changes that I want to make - namely, that I want to continue what I've started. But I can also see how far I've come. So, I don't protest anymore. I smile, and graciously let them snap the picture.

Photographs have become a record of this journey I am on. And when I reach the place I want to be - I can look back and remember every step of the way. The thing I will most remember is the people who have been there right beside me - cheering me on - letting me know how much they love me - making this journey with me. I love you all!

Back on Track

Because of my congestive heart failure - I have to weigh every day. I have to keep a close eye on weight gain, because that can be an early indicator that something has really gone wrong - and technically, I am supposed to call my doctor if I gain over 2 pounds in one day, or over 5 pounds in one week. But, I've been at this long enough to know what to do if there is a serious weight gain like that. It was very frustrating when I was first diagnosed - standard scales only go up to 330 as a general rule. I had to buy a special scale - and this one went up to 440. A few years ago - they took me off all my meds because my kidneys were shutting down. At that time, I was worried that I was going to get too big for the scales that I was using. I topped out at 435...(for the record, I gained about 25 pounds in just a few short days). It was a scary time for me.

This morning, I am down 135 pounds from my biggest. I got on the scale 4 times this morning just to make sure I wasn't seeing things. But there is was - plain as day - 300.6 pounds. I cannot possibly tell you what that means to me. I feel so much better. I can generally breathe. My clothes are literally hanging off of me. I am, for the first time in my memory, down to a single digit size in underwear.

Last night, we had the big patriotic musical at church. We sang our hearts out to a PACKED church building. And I saw several people that I have not seen in ages. What a blessing it was to me when they all commented about my weight loss. This is REAL - and it is MEASURABLE - and I'm not going to "wake up" and find that it is all a dream. I'm definitely excited this morning....

Loving the Yoga...

We had 13 at yoga class last night - which is amazing...listening to some of the people make comments during the class - I was secretly amused...not at the comments, but at the fact that I was the one making those very same comments just a few short weeks ago. My toes seemed impossibly far away, as did the floor. My balance was non-existent. (OK, OK - I admit it - I'm still unbalanced!) Touching my forehead to my knees just wasn't going to happen - no way - no how.

Now, on most stretches, I can reach my toes. I can put my hands flat on the floor with my legs straight. And last night, for the first time - I touched my forehead to my left knee! I still have a little ways to go to do the same for my right knee, but I am making progress! My apologies to my teacher - but I thought she was crazy when she said I would be doing these things!

The stretching really does make me feel better - and I sleep like a baby on yoga nights. My progress is measureable - every week I can do just a little more. At the time, it doesn't seem like very much - but when you look back to the beginning - it is quite significant. Sometimes, it is just a matter of taking the first step.

48%

As of this morning, I have lost 48% of the weight I want to lose. Almost halfway there. Everyone has said that breaking this up into small goals is important. And since when I started, I needed to lose 275 pounds - well, it would be easy be overwhelmed...and I was completely overwhelmed. If you had told me anytime in the last year that I would be down 132 pounds at this moment in time, I would have thought you were certifably crazy! Impossible - Can't be done...

Yet, here I am. I am NOT where I ultimately want to be. I am NOT where I am going to be. But I am DEFINITELY NOT where I was. I am almost halfway to my goal - I am almost below 300 pounds - the heart issue seems to be resolved - yes, I have much to celebrate today.

Reflections...of many kinds

I was talking with a friend the other day about how, in some ways, I'm just a little concerned about buying new clothes (whenever the Kohl's cards finally get here!) For one thing - I have no idea what size I actually am. For years - I just bought the biggest size of whatever they had - 4x - 5x - 6x. It doesn't REALLY matter when you are buying a tent, right? And then there was all those mirrors - I never went in the dressing room if I could possibly avoid it. I certainly didn't want to look in a mirror. (And for the record, it is difficult to try on clothes in a dressing room without looking at your reflection.)

But slowly, my attitude is changing about mirrors. I look now - I want to see if the clothes I am wearing look good and emphasize the things I want to emphasize. And when I do get the opportunity to buy clothes - I really do want to buy things that fit properly and look amazing. So that will mean going into the dressing room.

My friend said that I should just find things I think I will like - and try them on in a couple of different sizes. Depending on the material and the style - I might be different sizes in different things. The important thing is the fit - not the size. I think she is wise. I definitely think I will have to take someone with me though - I need someone to honestly evaluate how things look on me - because the mind doesn't quite yet believe how far I've come. This same friend (who had the surgery four years ago) said that long after she was down to a size 12 or 14 - she would still go to the women's department - because she had shopped there for so long. I'm happy to report that she is wearing size 8 or 10 now - and looks fabulous! I cannot imagine being that small - but if I get down to a 12 - I will be approximately what I was in high school - 30 years ago. How cool would that be???

Finally...

My body seems to be adjusting to the new medicine regime. I'm still gaining on the days that I do not take the lasix, but on the days I do take it, I'm losing more than I gain. So, this morning, nearly 17 weeks out, I've lost 71 pounds since surgery, and 131 pounds total. I finally was able to post some pictures - one of me in the new blouse that a dear friend at church made for me, and one having a little fun, showing just how big my pants are getting. I guess no one can say that I'm "too big for my britches" now...lol!

I will hit a major milestone in less than five pounds. And in anticipation - and because I really haven't "rewarded" myself too much during this process - I bought some new sunglasses...they are red - and VERY cool. I figure if you plan on making a statement - make it loudly!

Summer Is Here...

And it's hot - too hot - and it's sticky - and just being outside makes it difficult for me to breathe. But I need to keep moving - so I have to find a way to do it indoors. We have been walking at Wal-Mart, and that helps, but sometimes it is difficult to get motivated to even get out in the heat and drive to Wal-mart. Our pool has been closed for repairs, but hopefully, they have been completed and they will be opening it, maybe even as early as this weekend. I love to walk in the pool - it's a good workout - and it keeps me cool. Of course, I continue with the yoga - so that is fun, too.

To my knowledge, there have not been any more episodes with my heart. Although, I will say, that every time I wake up in the middle of the night - I wonder if it was my heart that woke me. I lay there for a few minutes trying to decide if my heart is racing or if I'm just crazy. Most nights I conclude that I'm just crazy. :)

Our VBS starts this week - and I just have to say "WOW" to the team that built the ship across the entire stage in the sanctuary - complete with mast and sail. It looks amazing, and I'm sure the kids will love it! Our VBS team really puts everything they have into making this a memorable week for the kids. Ya'll done good!

It's Friday...

It's Friday...and it's absurdly amazing how I look forward to this day every week. Not so much for Friday in and of itself - but because it means that the weekend is here. I love weekends...even though most of the time they are extremely busy. But this weekend - this Father's Day weekend - seems to be surprisingly unplanned. And those are the best kind of weekends. I can sleep in - lay out in the sun if I want to - hang out with friends - and not feel the least bit guilty.

My Dad has been very supportive throughout this journey. (Of course, my Mom has, too, but since it is Father's Day...) He makes it a point to tell me everytime we talk how proud he is of me. I am looking forward to when he comes down next weekend, and I can cook a wonderful dinner for him - liver and onions - one of his favorites - and shower him with attention.

I have been blessed with two wonderful parents - and believe me, I know how blessed I am. I was in high school before I understood that my family was not the norm...I thought everyone had a close relationship with their parents like I did. I was shocked to learn that many of my highschool friends were abused in one way or another - or lived with only one parent - or were neglected. My parents became surrogate parents for many of my friends - and everyone was welcomed in our home. My parents are a big part of the reason I'm succeeding at this. So, thanks, Dad and Mom, for all your support!

Potential...

We have a beautiful wild rose planted at our mailbox. Today when I was waiting for my ride to pick me up - I decided to cut a stem that had one bud that is starting to open, and at least six other closed buds. If they all open, it will be a beautiful addition to my desk, and it will make me smile every time I look at it.

But I realize that just because the POTENTIAL is there, the reality may be very different. Cutting it off the main plant, transporting an hour to work, putting it in water - any or all of those things may traumatize this poor bud into not opening.

Fortunately, I have a vivid imagination. I can see the flowers in my mind - and while that is not quite as good as seeing the real thing - the image in my mind still makes me smile. And in my mind, I can see me reaching my goal weight - again, not quite as wonderful as when I actually get there - but enough to make me smile right now.

Blessed Relief

OK - news from the doctor. They have decided NOT to put me on the "pacer" drugs - at least for now. The research I did said that the side effects were brutal! So, this does not upset me at all. The doctor thinks that strengthening the heart meds will take care of the problem. Plus, they were concerned about the weight gain - so they put me back on the lasix every other day. By last night - I had gained 10 pounds since last Wednesday. I lost 8 pounds overnight! I feel so much better today, even it seemed that I was up every 15 minutes. And going down on my charts is so much more fun than going up...even it is fluid loss!

I have lost 74.50 inches in 18 weeks. That is so cool! (For my sweet husband, that is 6 feet, 2 1/2 inches.) So, even with the weight gain this past week, I am still losing inches. It helps to remember that when the meds are playing games with my weight. I've lost 11.25 inches off my hips - the biggest loss of anywhere - almost a foot. No wonder my pants are falling down.

I have come up with a cheap way for my to supplement my wardrobe - without costing me a cent. I belong to several opinion clubs - and get points for taking surverys, etc. I have cashed in some points for $75 worth of Kohl's gift cards - and when they arrive, I'm going shopping! If I'm savvy and watch for sales and clearance items, I can stretch that quite a ways, and all it took was some of my time. I can hardly wait to get the gift cards! But in the meantime, I'll just keep tugging and pulling at the clothes I have.

Love ya'll lots!

Loving My Friends...

I just want you to know how much I love all of you. Thank you for loving me, supporting me, cheering for me.

I'm a little frustrated today - new meds have made me gain an average of 1.2 pounds every day for a week. I really don't like it - but I'm really trying to give it a shot. I will be calling my doctor about it, though. And to check to see what my device report says. Hoping for a great report!

New Meds - New Top...

OK - the doctor is trying to find meds that will work for me and will solve my problems. Although this is frequently a necessary part of my treatment - this playing with meds can really be annoying. He took me off the lasix - thinking that this might be part of the problem, even though my labs came showing no problem in that particular area. Even on a different diuretic, I have gained 6.5 pounds since Wednesday. I know I need to give my body a chance to adjust - I know that I need to be patient - but that is still hard. So, I'm just going to do what I can do - and try not to think about the rest.

But on a happy note - the lady at church who is making me the top out of the silk came up to me yesterday. She said that she wanted to make sure that she had everything measured correctly before she cut into the expensive material - so she had made me a top out of material she had at home - and wanted to see if it fit! It's beautiful! Just the style and look that I wanted - and I was so excited. I think my excitement made her day - and I know that her gift made my day! It is so nice to have so many people wanting to be a part of this.

So - I'm working on the meds - and the weight - and I'm celebrating good friends and cheerleaders. And really trying not to think about not being able to drive for two months (OK - actually, I can't drive until I have two months without an "incident" - really trying not to think about that - either having any more incidents OR a longer "no drive" time if I do have one.) Love ya'll! Oh, and look for a new picture and new measurements this week - 16 weeks out from surgery!

Sleeping Like a Baby...

How many times has it happened? I worry and worry about something - and then the "something" I worried about NEVER happens! I wish I could say that I have learned my lesson, but I know I haven't. I was afraid I wouldn't sleep last night - but I went to bed early and slept like a baby. I don't even think I moved the whole night. What a relief. And a good night's sleep makes a big difference in attitude in the morning.

I don't have any more answers on the health issues than I had yesterday - but I'm much more optimistic than I was yesterday. I started the new diuretic - one that doesn't strip potassium, so I feel pretty good about that. My weight was up a little this morning, but that is not unexpected, either. Now we just have to trust that the doctors will find the answers I need and that everything will be OK.

One thing that shocking the heart does to the defibrillator is drain the battery. Every shock shortens considerably the battery life in the device. Typically, they are good for 5 - 7 years, though - so I should still have plenty of time - and they give a lot of warning (like three months) before the battery will completely fade. I'm NOT worrying about it. Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks.

I will keep you posted as things develop.

Just A Little Scary...AND AN UPDATE

**UPDATE**UPDATE**UPDATE**UPDATE**UPDATE**UPDATE**

My labs came back with all levels at the perfect range. So the doctor is taking me off some meds - putting me on others - he is going to talk the electrophysiologist who implanted my device - to see if there are any "pacer meds" that would help my arrrhythmia. So I don't know much - at this point, just that it won't be the easy fix.


OK - I admit it - a LOT SCARY. My defibrillator has shocked me twice now - in the space of two weeks. I didn't know the first time, until they called me from the pacemaker clinic - after reviewing my regular "interrogation" report. But the second time - I woke up - sitting bolt upright in bed. I couldn't catch my breath. Dave kept asking me, "What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG??" and I couldn't answer him. After talking about it the next day, he and I both wondered if it had been a shock - and I called the pacemaker clinic. When I got home that night, I interrogated my machine again - and yesterday morning, they called and confirmed that I had, indeed, been shocked again. The doctor was very concerned, and squeezed me in yesterday afternoon.

First of all, he said that both arrhythmias were severe, and without the defibrillator, I most likely would not have survived either of them - THANK GOD for this little machine in my chest. He said that the cause is most likely an electrolyte imbalance (potassium, magnesium, etc.) He had bloodwork done yesterday to determine if this is the problem, and if it is, that is the easiest fix.

If that is NOT the problem - there are other tests they will do - and there are options that should take care of it. Right now, though, the doctor really doesn't want me to drive - the danger of this happening behind the wheel is too great. And if it happens, I could easily pass out, or lose control of the wheel if I were shocked. I understand this totally, and wouldn't want to put myself or anyone else in danger - but I'm not used to being confined...and I'm sort of chafing under it.

Perhaps my biggest concern - besides figuring out what is wrong - is sleeping at night. Right now, I'm having difficulty just going to sleep. Afraid it will happen again...somewhat. Worried that I might feel the next shock - maybe. Wishing I had answers...definitely!

I will keep everyone updated as I find out anything. For now, just pray - and know how much I appreciate you.

A Smile For This Morning...

I have one cat who is ALWAYS underfoot, especially in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure she thinks there is a possibility of some food - either in her bowl, or dropped on the floor. Every morning I get up - do my morning routine in the bathroom - then I get dressed. And then I go pack my food for the day - breakfast, lunch and a couple of snacks. Normally, she is right there - but usually she is eating from the dry food that we leave out round the clock. Yesterday and today, however, she tried a different tactic. She sat, unmoving, just morosely staring at her empty food bowl. I didn't notice at first - I made my coffee, and starting getting things out of the refrigerator. She didn't move - and I had to step around her. She still didn't move. This just made me laugh - she gobbles up the canned food when Dave feeds her before he comes to bed - then she has nothing until the next night when he feeds her again. But - if staring at that bowl COULD have put food in it (or even persuaded ME to put food in it) - well, let's just say she gave it a really good try!

Dave made an announcement last night - and it probably would be startling to anyone who hasn't been married to him for nearly 16 years: he has picked out the music for the Christmas musical. June has just started, and he is already thinking about Christmas. But when you do what he does, you have to always be thinking ahead. If he waited until September, when the choir is ready to start listening to the musical, to pick it out - it would be too late. He has to choose the musical - thinking about the drama, the sets, the costumes and everything else that goes along with it - long before it is time to start working on it. He has to order the music, make sure that every book is stamped with the church name, and the books are numbered. And it is this kind of preparation that makes him really, really good at his job. As soon as our patriotic musical is over at the end of June, he and I will both start listening to the musical - working out drama and set details, long before anyone else even begins to think of Christmas. And the choir will start working on it in September, still long before many people are ready to think about Christmas. But when it comes time for the performance, all the preparation and hard work will definitely pay off.

I know these are two very unrelated thoughts - but in my mind, they speak to me about this journey I am on. I've had to quit thinking of food the way my Serafina apparently does - just because the bowl is empty, doesn't mean that I have to fill it. She has plenty of food to keep her satisfied, but it isn't what she WANTS. The food I NEED is a whole lot less than the food I have always WANTED. And now that I'm learning that leasson - it's making a huge difference. And it's never too early to prepare - when I decide what and how much I am going to eat BEFORE I go out - or to a family reunion - or even at home, I am much better able to stick to my plan.

A New Top...

Last night, my husband came home with a "just because" present - aren't those the best kind? He went to the store and bought the shirt that I got for my Mom - the XL in the REGULAR SECTION of the store! I'm so excited - and I plan to wear it tomorrow. So if you see me, you'll have to notice! I'm sure I will be doing the happy dance of joy all day tomorrow.

We are going to be expanding our yoga class. We have received permission to hold it at church - so starting this Thursday night that's where we will be. That's pretty exciting. (If anyone is interested - 6:30 to 7:30 on Thursday evenings - open to ANYONE 18 and over - no cost. We will be meeting in the Fellowship Classroom.) This will be a good thing.

I received another blessing - yesterday I got a card from a dear friend. The front of the card read, "YOU ROCK!" She commented on how good I am looking - and encouraged me to keep it up! WOW - not only did that make my day, but it gave me an extra boost of confidence...with people constantly encouraging me, I have to succeed at this! I love you all!

A Successful Weekend...

It seems like we went non-stop all weekend. The family reunion was a success - no great drama - no hurt feelings - and lots and lots of great food. I ate the few things that I had planned to eat - and just a bite of a couple of indulgences - but I managed to lose 2.6 pounds from Friday morning until this morning. (Total 128 pounds) And I did not have even a bite of the fried apple pies. I'm pretty proud of myself - and feeling more confident every day that I am going to be able to see this through to my goal. Speaking of goals - I will reach 50% of my goal in 9.5 pounds - how exciting is that???? I can hardle believe it - and another goal even sooner than that - less than 300 pounds. I'm pretty excited about all of it....

Several years ago - I bought some beautiful silk material that could be used to wrap a sari. When my Mom was down working on things for my niece's nursery last week - I pulled it out to get something in my sewing basket. She commented on it and we looked at it - it really is gorgeous - red and gold silk - and she said I should make a top out it. Now, I sew - but I'm much better with pillows and shades - not anything fitted to a person. But a dear friend at church, who happens to be an outstanding seamstress, told me she would love to sew for me if I needed her to. Sunday, I took this material to her - asked if she could make something. I explained that I didn't even know what my size was. She whipped out her tape measure - took the measurements, and said that she would have it to me in a couple of weeks. Again - I'm excited.

Apparently my spelling skills are lacking - and a couple of people noticed some mistakes in my last blog - I will correct it, and try to do better.

Family Reunion - Fried Apple Pies - and Reunion Spread

My mother's family is having a reunion tomorrow. I will get to see Aunts and Uncles and cousins that I have not seen in a long time, most of whom have not seem me since my much bigger days. Our family has some traditions - most of them, of course, revolving around food. One in particular - fried apple pies - is a favorite with everyone. My grandmother made them for years, and after she died in 1994, one of my aunts took it over. It's a long process - drying the apples, making the filling, making the dough, putting the pies together, frying them, and then transporting them to the Riley Family Reunion. They are delicious - but I probably won't be eating any. OK, maybe just a bite.

Reunion spread is another favorite. My grandmother used to call it ham salad, but since she made it with bologna, it's doubtful that name was entirely accurate. My mom makes it now, and in the interest of fair marketing - just calls it reunion spread. It just wouldn't be a reunion without fried apple pies and reunion spread.

So we will be spending the day with Mom's family tomorrow. There will be lots of food - but I already know what I will eat. Planning ahead for these kinds of things makes my life a whole lot easier. And I can have just one bite of something and be totally satisfied.

Someone pointed out to me that if you think of the weight I've lost to date (127 pounds) and the inches I've lost (5 feet, 4 1/4 inches) that in reality I have lost an adult woman. I still have lots to go - but that kind of puts things into perspective.

Gotta Love Those Mammograms - UPDATED

Every time I go for a mammogram - they come back and say there is something we don't like - you need to go for a follow-up. Every time I go back, they do their thing, and determine that it is just dense tissue. So last November, when they came back and said they wanted to do the follow-up, I rebelled. I can't afford to take the time off work - it's always nothing - I'm not doing it. My doctor wasn't very happy - but compromised and said I could do a six month follow-up. I went today, and happily - there was absolutely nothing.

I don't understand why they can't do just a little bit of extra at my yearly mammogram, instead of calling me back. Maybe it wouldn't be so frustrating if it didn't happen EVERY SINGLE TIME! But I know ultimately that it is better to be safe than sorry, and if it ever turn out to be cancer, I will be glad that I went. So, ladies, (and gentlemen persuade those ladies in your life - wives, mothers, sisters, friends...) if you haven't been for a while - get a mammogram. It's inconvenient, it's uncomfortable, and a real pain - sometimes literally - but it's worth the effort.

I almost forgot the best part of the day - when she pulled out the gown for me to put on - she didn't have to go find the ultra large size. A regular gown fit just fine, and I was even able to tie it when I sat out in the waiting room while they determined whether I would need the additional sonogram or anything else. I don't ever remember fitting into a regular hospital gown. If I ever have to go back in to the hospital, that is a good thing to know!!! (And with my track record, it's more a matter of when than if - lol!)

OH WOW!

I got to spend time with my parents on Monday for the holiday. And I was able to give my mother her belated birthday gift. I will be the first to admit that I'm absolutely horrible at judging what size a person wears - me, or anyone else. I knew she had been losing weight - so I guessed and bought her an XL from the regular section of the store (not plus size.) She tried it on, and it was a little too big - YAY MOM! - so we decided to run to the store before she left and buy her the next size down - a large. Then she wanted me to try the XL on. I was sure it would be too small - and tried to weasel out of it - but my Mom is nothing if not persistent...so I gave in. Guess what - IT FIT! Me in a top from the regular section of the store! I wouldn't have tried it if she hadn't forced the issue - and I'm still in a little shock over it. WOW - OH WOW!

Today is 14 weeks out. I have lost 66.2 pounds since surgery, 126 pounds from my biggest, and 64.25 inches total. I haven't lost much weight in the past few weeks - but I have continued to lose inches - and there is the possibility that the issue last week with my heart was playing a part in that. I seem to be back on track now.

A Weird Phone Call

I just had a very strange phone call here at work. It was my pacemaker clinic asking if I was OK. Sure - why wouldn't I be? Our records show that your pacemaker shocked you at 1:23 am on May 27. HUH? My pacemaker didn't shock me - I would have felt that. The technician said that if I were sleeping - I might not have registered the shock. WOW! I do know that the pacemaker had been doing a funny sort of hiccup thing - and if it hadn't stopped, I would have called them this morning anyway. She said that sometimes after a shock - there is a problem with enough "juice" getting to the pacemaker, and that can cause the hiccup. But as long as I wasn't having chest pain, or problems breathing - there shouldn't be anything to worry about - and unless I had those problems, they probably wouldn't need to see me. But just to be sure - she was going to check with the doctor, and let him see everything.

The scary part of this is that I never, ever feel the arrhythmia. And if I hadn't had the pacemaker - I might never have awakened from that episode.

It is easy for me NOT to think about my heart - out of sight, out of mind, as they say. I do not sit around worrying about it - I do not let it absolutely govern my life - I have had to make adjustments sometimes, slowing down, making choices about how much I can actually do - but I seldom ever think specifically about my heart. I don't expect that to change even now.

It does make me regret even more that I have not always taken care of myself the way I should. I'm making a lot of improvements. I really and truly do feel better, in fact, one person described me as "vibrant" - but I still have a long way to go. And I cannot completely undo the damage that I have done by neglecting my weight for so long.