Looking Good!

Yesterday was one of those days when I looked good, and I could feel it – all the way from my head to my toes.  There wasn’t anything spectacular about the outfit I wore.  I’ve worn it before.  But it fits nicely, the colors are MY colors, and I just feel good in the outfit:  black pants, a fitted blouse in various shades of blue and teal, a tiny black belt, and sparkly earrings that matched the blues and teals.  It must have shown, because I had at least a dozen people at church ask if I had lost more weight.  Truth is, I’m faithful about weighing every day.  So I know that my reality is that I have maintained, within two or three pounds, for several months now.

My guess is that this outfit highlighted the effects of the foundation garments I have started wearing.  They are not necessarily the most COMFORTABLE articles of clothing, but they do their job quite well (hence the various comments about my weight).  And I have become acclimated the extra layer of clothing and the feeling of having everything tucked into a neat package – no lumpy love handles, no unsightly overhang, and no bulges anywhere.  Pants or jeans slip on easily and I don’t have to “suck it in.”  Dresses and skirts slide on and drape beautifully.  This “shaper” has become a regular part of my wardrobe.  I like the silhouette it gives me, and I cannot imagine going without it.  In my not too distant past, I really would have laughed aloud if you told me that I was going to wear a girdle – or that I was going to like it.  I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.

It took a little bit of time to get used to the feel of this undergarment.  As an obese woman – I can tell you COMFORT was my number one goal.  I didn’t want anything tight – I didn’t want anything binding – and I really didn’t want anything that was going to make me hot.  I figured I wasn’t going to look good in anything anyway – so it didn’t really matter, right?  (OK, I will be the first to admit that attitude was pure laziness.  There are things that I could have worn that would have looked much better than what I DID wear, but I certainly wasn’t going shopping for those things.  And I certainly wasn’t going to give up the comfortable, loose, flowing garments for anything else.)  Granted, my choices have definitely expanded  - there are many more cute, fitted clothes for someone wearing a medium or a large, than there are for someone wearing a 4x or 5x – but my opinions have also expanded, and I’m now willing to put a whole lot more effort into finding something that looks good.

I had an important life conversation with a close friend yesterday.  She has also struggled with weight issues.  The conversation was about how much of life we missed simply because we were overweight: the clothes we didn’t wear, the places we didn’t go, the things we didn’t enjoy, and the memories we didn’t make.  What a waste – to allow something like a WAIST to govern my choices about life.  Sometimes, that couldn’t be helped.  There are still places that refuse to make any accommodations for  obese people.  Many, many more times though, the barrier was in my head – staring at my image in a mirror, refusing to go or do or be because I was too fat.  How sad!

My new resolution is to live every single minute of every single day for the rest of my life!  To try new things, without regard for what I think other people might think of me.  To wear that bathing suit and go to the beach just because it makes ME feel good.  Never again to allow my weight to be the barrier that keeps me from doing something I want to do!

My Lulu

I have named my new (to me) car, Lulu.  In the past, my cars have all had cute names, like Betsy.  But the Century isn’t nearly as dainty as my previous cars, so I needed something a little more substantial.  (Why name my cars at all, one might ask?  Well, it has been my experience that my cars run better if I talk to them, and it is so much more informal when I can actually call them by name.  I know that some of my readers are rolling their eyes at this, but, my car, my idiosyncrasies.  HA!)

There are things we take for granted with newer cars, that I didn’t even realize.  The first thing that I missed?  A cup holder.  And not just ANY cup holder…I carry a water bottle with me nearly everywhere I go.  It’s bigger than most cups – so I need some place to hold it safely.  There isn’t ONE CUP HOLDER in the entire car.  That is quite a change from my Odyssey – if I am counting correctly there were fourteen cup holders – an average of two per seat. 

Another thing I find amusing is that there is no CD player.  I do have a cassette player, but I haven’t tried it out yet.  I’ll have to go look for a cassette to play.  It’s been a long time since I’ve played a cassette tape – but at least it isn’t an 8-Track tape!

I have this weird seat belt in the middle of the front seat.  HUH?  Oh wait, the front seat isn’t bucket seats – it is a split bench seat.  And there is a seatbelt in the middle, just in case someone decides to sit there.  I do need to do a little work on this, though – the belt seems to be hooked under the passenger seat somehow. 

The thing I will probably miss the most, though, is remote entry.  Yep, I have to UNLOCK THE DOOR WITH MY KEY.  And this is an old-fashioned key set – square key for the ignition, round key for the doors and trunk.  It’s been a long time since I had to try to remember which key to use.  I am so afraid that I will push the button to lock the doors, and leave my keys in the car.  Right now, we only have one set of keys (I hope to remedy that this weekend).  I am making a conscious effort to have the keys in my hand when I lock the door.  You can be sure I will blog about it if (when) I do lock my keys inside!

Having said all of this, though, I must say that I think Lulu and I are going to be good friends.  She runs like a dream.  Her body doesn’t have a scratch or a dent.  The interior needs a good vacuuming, but is otherwise pristine.  I can live with her minor flaws, if she can live with mine. 

So, last night I decided to “trick out” my car.  OK, OK – that term conjures images of lights under her carriage, spinner wheels, custom paint jobs, and loud mufflers.  While I WISH I could do some of that (especially the cool lights everywhere), my budget only allowed me to purchase a few inexpensive accessories.  First, I got a console organizer.  This is a soft side square that will fit either on the floor between the front seats or on the seat beside me.  There are pockets that will serve as cup holders, a place for my sunglasses, and various and sundry other pockets.  I bought a windshield reflector that has pretty flowers on it (she needs some feminine accessories, after all).  And I bought air fresheners – both a stand-alone (which fits beautifully in one of the console pockets) and small fresheners that clip on the vents. 

Sometimes, the older things in life are good things.  Lulu doesn’t have the bells and whistles I could get on a newer car, but she is dependable and sturdy.  She will get me from Point A to Point B.  I hope we have a long and happy life together.  

Of Shoes, and Rides, and Football

OK, I admit it; this is going to be a crazy blog.  The only thing these topics have in common is that I have enjoyed all three of these things this past week.

Of shoes,…I have never been Imelda Marcos.  I have a few pairs that I wear OFTEN, and I wear them out.  But I bought new shoes this past weekend.  Actually, I bought a pair, and a dear friend bought me another pair (same shoes, different color.)  They are sweet little flats – with ruffles across the toe.  They look good with jeans or a dress.  And they make me smile.  This is a HUGE change from the men’s shoes I wore when I was at my biggest, and my feet were constantly swollen.

Of rides,…the new (used) car is back from the shop!  I doused the inside with Febreeze, not once, but twice, to get rid of the musty, old car smell.  And then, I went out…just because I could!  First, I went to a football game…

Of football,…I love football.  I like it better in the cool autumn evenings, but even on a hot day in August, I enjoy watching a game.  Yesterday it was a middle school game.  My “adopted” son (remember the “parent for a day” blog?) played last night.  Our team won, and yes, that does make it even better.  The cheerleaders weren’t horribly annoying.  Life is good!

After the game, I treated myself to a lemonberry slush from a local drive in restaurant.  This is a treat that I used to have frequently, but I believe this is the first since my surgery.  It tasted so good!  Part of its appeal was that I was able to DRIVE to the restaurant and get it!  And unlike the person I was BEFORE surgery, this time I just got a medium size.  I sipped on it throughout the rest of the evening.  And I didn’t need anything bigger.  I probably will not go out driving every night.  But it was nice to be able to do that on my first night with the car.

Shoes…a decent ride…football – life is just too good!

Learning a Lesson

I talked in my last blog about seeing myself the way others see me.  Something happened this weekend to reinforce that thought.  We had friends visit from Ohio, and had the BEST TIME!  I’m so glad all three of them got to come down.  We did several things with them – but one day we went shopping.  One of the ladies bought a beautiful sweater, in two different colors.  It fit her perfectly, and looked great on her!

When we got back to the house, I asked her to bring in the teal sweater into my room, so we could look at some of my jewelry to see how it would look with it.  She told me she thought that I wanted to try it on.  The truth is, I see her in a totally different size category than I see myself.  If I were by myself in a store, I would try on a sweater that I liked, not really worrying about the size.  And I do have a couple of tops in a medium size.  But since this sweater looked SO GOOD on her, and I see us so differently when it comes to size, it never occurred to me that I could wear that sweater.  She pushed me to try it on…and it fit!  Proof that once again, what I see when I look in the mirror isn’t what other people see, and it isn’t necessarily reality.  I was amazed!  And it has made me look closer at the things I think I “KNOW” about myself.  There might be a lot that I need to rethink.

The sermon in church on Sunday was very, very good.  One point in particular has been on my mind.  A lot of people ask how a loving God could let evil and sorrow and bad things happen.  The truth is, that isn’t part of God’s plan at all.  We’re the ones who invited evil in – and we’re the ones who continue to perpetuate evil.  God tried to remove evil once – but only partially.  He destroyed the world and everything in it – except the eight people on the ark:  Noah, his wife, his three sons, and their wives.  But because God didn’t destroy ALL of mankind – evil still existed, through the very people He saved on the ark.  God has promised that evil will one day be wiped out – but when that happens, it will be ALL evil, including the evil in my life.  I may want other evil destroyed, but I’d kind of like to keep some things, you know?  And WHY does God refrain from destroying all evil, right now?

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  But the day of the Lord will come like a thief.  The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare.”  (2 Peter 3:9-10, NIV)

God doesn’t want ANYONE to perish, although He knows many will perish in that final destruction.  What a loving and patient God He is.  Perhaps instead of criticizing Him and His choices, we should be praising Him for not obliterating mankind and all of our problems and whining and wars and cruelty.

FREEDOM!

Last night I was watching a popular makeover show that deals primarily with helping people learn what styles work with their bodies.  The young woman in this week’s show quite possibly had the worst self-image of anyone I have ever seen.  Having suffered from this for nearly all of my life, I felt a great deal of sympathy and empathy for her.  When she went shopping, she had a meltdown on camera when a few things didn’t fit her body correctly.  The hosts of the show pointed out that she assumed SHE was a failure, because a few articles of clothing didn’t work for her.  The truth is, those particular shirts or pants failed to fit her body – so she just needed to look for something else.  With their guidance, she was able to find clothes that fit and flattered her shape, and truly worked for her.  But the years of negative thinking will take more than a week to undo.  She has a journey ahead of her.

It made me think of the negative thinking in my life.  I’m quick to notice the parts that droop and sag.  I’m quick to dislike the bits that stick out “funny.”  I often find myself saying, “I can’t wear that…it won’t look good.”  And I have a number of friends who do the same thing to themselves.  Let’s be honest – when I look at my friends, I don’t see their “thunder thighs” or their “paunchy” stomachs.  I see the light in their eyes, the love in their hearts, and the beauty that God has bestowed on them.  I see loveliness, not repulsiveness.  The ugly places they see on their bodies do not even register to me. 

Imagine the freedom we would all experience, if we would try to see ourselves as others see us.  A friend recently commented that she thinks of me as “girly” (in response to a previous blog where I stated I have never seen myself that way.)  That statement catches me off guard – yet, if I would just relax, perhaps I would realize that I’m not nearly the freak I have always thought I was. 

That is going to be one of my new goals – to try to improve the negative self-image I have carried so long, and in the process to affirm and reaffirm my friends and acquaintances who face the same problem.  Together, we CAN make a change – in how we see ourselves and how we see others.  Can there be anything more liberating?

“To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  (John 8:31, 32, NIV)

And while I’m speaking of freedom, it looks like I will be getting a new (to me) car today.  A 1994 Buick Century.  It’s not a beautiful car, but it does get from Point A to Point B.  I won’t have to rely on others for transportation.  I can run errands.  I can go to the doctor’s office, or to the chiropractor, without having to find a ride. 

Having Company

I LOVE COMPANY!  I love when friends and family come to visit.  I love that the house is clean top to bottom (thanks, Dave!)  I love that I get to take a couple of days off work.  I love cooking for people – and visiting with them – and showing them the sights around Atlanta.  I LOVE COMPANY!

Tomorrow – we have friends visiting from Ohio.  We have cleaned the house.  We have planned the menu.  We have made arrangements for fun things to do.  I’m taking two whole days off work!  I can hardly wait for them to get here!  I hope they have a total blast while they are here – and I’ve done everything IN MY POWER to make it happen.  But whether or not they actually DO have a good time – that is up to them.  Maybe they are going through a rough time right now.  Maybe they are dealing with job issues, relationship issues, or spiritual issues.  Maybe there is illness or depression in their lives.  All of those things are outside of my control.

Control is a very big issue for me when I talk about this journey following WLS.  There are many things I CAN control – what I eat, how much I eat, why I eat, and when I eat.  There are many things I cannot control – other people – circumstances – money problems – the list goes on and on.  So I have to work very diligently to control those things I CAN control, and I have acknowledged that there are things I cannot control.  And I have to determine that I certainly cannot let those things beyond my control influence my choices about food. 

The line is distinct between the two sides, but this has not always been the case.  When I let outside circumstances dictate my food choices, I eat the wrong things for the wrong reasons.  I eat the wrong amounts at the wrong time.  It is NOT a pretty picture! 

So, here’s to being in control and to company – two things I really enjoy!

Belated Happy Anniversary to My Folks

My parents celebrated their 54^th anniversary earlier this week.  Yesterday, Dad whisked Mom off to a bed and breakfast in north Georgia to celebrate.  I’m sure to them that the past 54 years have gone by in the blink of an eye, but in today’s world, 54 years is far longer than most people expect someone to be married.  Their marriage hasn’t been perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but it HAS endured, and that is something worth celebrating.

I love that my parents still hold hands.  In fact, the theme for their 50^th anniversary party was “50 Years and Still Holding Hands.”  They can, and do, finish each other’s sentences.  They still like to surprise each other.  Theirs is a comfortable relationship, but not boring.  They complete each other – and work well together (unless there is any kind of building involved…) Sometimes, they drive each other crazy, but it doesn’t matter, because they are committed to each other and to their relationship.

That commitment is to be admired.  They have been committed to each other through good times, through bad times, through happy and sad times.  I’m pretty sure there have been times when the feelings of love weren’t there, but the commitment remained.  And so their marriage stands as a testimony and an example. 

Thanks, Mom and Dad, for showing what a marriage SHOULD be, and for displaying the kind of commitment I need on this journey.  I learned it all from you!  HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

NSV's

Non-Scale Victories.  The Obesity Help website is really pushing people to think about NSV’s this week.  This makes sense.  The scale is an important tool in measuring progress, but there are so many NSV’s in my life that I decided to list a bunch, in no particular order:

©       My failing heart has improved significantly. 

©       I needed a new driver’s license, because no one recognized me in my old one.

©       My hips don’t stay bruised anymore, because I’m no longer bumping into the edge of desks, etc.

©       No more seat belt extenders.

©       Booth or table at a restaurant?  Doesn’t matter, I’m comfortable in both.

©       I can sit in any chair, arms or no arms – and any seat in a theater, arena, etc.

©       Friends and family who haven’t seen me in a while don’t recognize me.

©       I can be wrapped up in a bear hug – all the way around!

©       My clothing size has dropped dramatically.

©       I don’t feel like everyone is looking at me when I walk into a room or a store or a restaurant.

©       I feel better about myself – wearing jewelry and makeup every day.

©       I can walk and exercise without being winded.

©       I enjoy shopping for clothes – instead of the tents that I used to wear.

©       I can wrap a towel around me, with nothing showing.

©       I can cross my legs.

©       I can see my collarbone.

©       I’m not afraid to have my picture taken any more.

©       People tell me I look 20 years younger.

It helps to take a moment and think about the NSV’s in my life.  It really isn’t all about the scale.  It’s about being healthy and happy and comfortable with me!

I Won't Do THAT Again...

Friday afternoon, after work, I needed to take some paperwork to a neighbor – she and I share the Clubhouse Coordinator duties at our subdivision, and she will be on duty for August and September.  It was very, very hot – with a heat index well over 100°.  The distance is less than the distance to the pool, so I set off.  Going wasn’t too bad – and I had a few moments to rest while at her house.  But coming back, even though I was walking downhill, I could tell that I was quickly becoming dehydrated.  My thirst was growing, and I was sweating profusely, and feeling a little dizzy.  Just a few more steps – then I’ll be home in the air-conditioning, and I can drink my water!  However, there was a big problem; normally, we do not lock the door between the garage and the kitchen.  Every once in a while (maybe three times in the 9 years we have lived there) that door locks itself – just from the normal turning going in and out.  The problem is that I do not have a key with me.  Since I no longer have a vehicle to drive, I no longer carry any of my keys.  Dave was at work, but I had to call him to come open the door.  As I waited, my breathing became more and more difficult, the sweat just poured off of me (I rarely sweat anymore – I’m too cold most of the time!), and I was really worried that I wasn’t going to make it until Dave could get there.  Fortunately, I was able to hold on – he came and opened the door, I got inside to the coolness, drank lots of water, put a cold towel around my neck, and gradually recovered.  We now have hidden a house key in the garage should this ever happen again.  Crisis averted!

As I sat there, wondering if I should actually call 911 while I waited for Dave, it occurred to me that walking in that kind of heat probably wasn’t the smartest thing I have ever done.  Even though my heart HAS improved, the truth remains that I have heart failure, and I have to be careful.  I was in genuine distress.  Had my brain been working, I might have gone and turned on the hose, and just drenched myself.  My brain was not responding well, and I just sat there, dripping sweat and trying to catch my breath.  I hated to call Dave, but I would not have lasted until he came home – sometime near midnight. 

Upon reflection, something else occurs to me:  I have treated my issues with food and my obesity with the same carelessness as I treated my heart last Friday.  There are some things I should never have done – and even today, I have difficulty pinning a reason to my actions.  It took me a long, long time, but the crisis there has been averted as well – I’m a recovering food addict.  I’m not where I want to be or where I intend to be, but I have the key to make this work, and I AM MAKING IT WORK!

More on Shark Week

I can’t help it – there is something appealing (and at the same time, repulsive) about Shark Week.  Last night, there was a special where someone investigated the reasons great white sharks jump out of the water after prey around a small island, called Seal Island, south of South Africa.  The research was interesting, to say the least, but one incident is burned in my mind. 

A whale washed up on a beach on the mainland.  The authorities were concerned about the decomposition, as well as the smell, and that the carcass would draw sharks.  So they towed the whale out near Seal Island, to get rid of it, and to keep the sharks away from people near the beach.  The sharks had a feeding frenzy, and provided the researchers some dramatic footage.  Considering that no one had ever had an opportunity to observe (or record) great whites in this kind of situation, it was most impressive. 

The next day, there was nothing left of the whale except for a sac containing the vital organs.  The smell was putrid, and there was not a great deal of interest from the local sharks.  However, the main researcher decided this was a prospect too great to pass up; despite the horrible smell and the slippery surface, he eased himself out onto the floating remains in order to get up close and personal with any sharks that might come back for more.  The surface area was about the size of a small rowboat, and he is literally an arm’s length away from all edges.  When a great white feeds, they often shake their prey from side to side.  On smaller animals, like the seals they seem so fond of, this quickly disables their lunch.  On larger animals, like the whale carcass, this allows them to tear off a huge portion of meat.  No surprise when a great white approached the remains and began to shake and tear off a portion.  It was only by the sheerest luck the researcher was not dumped in the ocean.  He got some pictures from less than two feet away, but for me the risk far outweighed those pictures.  (I would have been on the boat, several feet away, with a telephoto lens, but that might be why I have not been asked to do a special for shark week.)

Despite many warnings throughout the evening from the TV station, the researchers, the photographers, and anyone else connected with Shark Week, who all said, “DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR OWN…IT IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!”  – I bet there is someone, somewhere who is thinking, “If they can do that – maybe I can too…then I could have my OWN special on shark week.”  My fear is they may wind up as a statistic on a show about shark attack fatalities.

I am convinced that I am not going to do anything really stupid when it comes to sharks.  I’m not going to go swimming where I know there have been attacks.  I’m not going to try to get “just a little closer” to a shark.  I’m not going to risk body parts or my life to get a “once in lifetime picture.”  If only I could have had the same sense when it came to obesity and to food.  I played “Russian Roulette” with my health, because of my obesity.  I didn’t win…there ARE no winners in obesity. 

Shark Week

It’s Shark Week again, on the Discovery Channel.  I’ve enjoyed watching some of the shows.  It is interesting, though, that many of the specials about sharks this week have a common theme:  Sharks are people, too!   Instead of looking at them as the “terror of the seas” – we should see them as misunderstood, gentle giants who don’t mean to eat people…it just happens sometimes. 

I am normally a nature lover, in that I appreciate the world around me, and I would never kill something just for fun or meanness.  But I can promise you, if I somehow come in contact with the business end of a shark, OR someone I love is being eaten, I am not going to care a whole lot about what happens to that shark.  Truthfully, I would feel that way no matter WHO was being attacked.  At that moment in time – I would be thinking, “Somebody…ANYBODY…KILL THIS SHARK!!!”  People are more important than animals, period. 

I’m perfectly content to watch sharks from the other side of the Plexiglas in an aquarium.  There is resplendent beauty in their movements and ominous focus in their uncompromising pursuit of food.  Appreciating a shark is very different than wanting to touch one, though, and I have no desire to get up close and personal.

Still, there are people who seem to thrive on danger, and who spend their lives expanding our knowledge of sharks.  They put themselves in harm’s way to get the perfect shot of a great white shark cresting or a tiger shark swimming imposingly in the ocean.  They risk harm to themselves in order to tag these animals, so that we can know more of their habits, and perhaps by understanding them, avoid dangerous contact with them.  If it weren’t for these people, we wouldn’t have shark week at all.

It is not difficult to compare my obesity with the danger of swimming with the sharks.  We are learning more every year about the dangers of each.  We have heard about people who died as a result of both.  The hazard of both obesity and sharks may appear hidden, and then strike suddenly.  Even when the end result is NOT death, there is usually a great deal of pain and anguish. 

Given that there is such danger, why would someone accept obesity, any more than someone would knowingly jump into shark-infested waters?  More to the point, why did I accept obesity?  It wasn’t because I LIKED it.  I hated myself every minute of every day.  It wasn’t because I didn’t know – the dangers of obesity are well documented. 

Stuff Happens

If it’s not one thing, it’s another.  No one is immune to the “STUFF” of life.  It can be low self-esteem or regret and guilt over past mistakes.  It can be relationships, or lack thereof.  It can be worries about a job.  It can be health issues or financial concerns.  It can be maintenance of a house or a car.  Everyone has “STUFF” and frequently, it is a combination of all kinds of “STUFF.” 

Many times, we have no choice when “STUFF” happens to us.  We cope the best way that we can, and hope it will be good enough.  We watch friends go through their “STUFF” and are unable to offer a solution.  Sometimes the best and only thing we can do for a friend is just to be there, with a shoulder to cry on or a hug.

While I can’t control the “STUFF,” I CAN control how I react to “STUFF.”  In the past, my first reaction was to eat.  I ate over happy “STUFF” - I ate over unhappy “STUFF” - I ate over all the “STUFF” in between.  I ate until I was the size of a house, and then I kept eating until I was the size of a small state.  Of course, eating like that only added to my “STUFF.” 

I wish I could wave a wand, say the magic words, or get a wish from a genie that would take care of all my “STUFF” and all my friends’ “STUFF” too.  If I could, I promise you, I would do that in a heartbeat!  I would heal relationships; I would heal bodies; I would heal spirits; I would fix everything!  Since that is not an option, I can only say to my friends, “I’m here – no matter what “STUFF” you are going through right now.”  So many people have done that for me.   

What a Weekend!

It was a GREAT weekend!  I really enjoyed my birthday dinner.  My Mom did a great job cooking, as usual, and I got to bring home leftovers!  I got to spend time with family – and a dear friend who is like family.  I spent my birthday money on some foundation garments (otherwise known as “unmentionables”). 

But the best part of my weekend really didn’t have anything to do with my birthday at all.  A few weeks ago, I blogged about the death of a dear friend.  Her husband came up to my parents to celebrate my birthday dinner with us.  He came to the house first, while we waited for Dave to get home from work so that we could go to Hiram.  We sat and talked for a while, and he brought out a small box.  He told me again how much he and his wife thought of me, and handed me the box, saying that she really wanted me to have what was inside. 

To my absolute astonishment, there were two rings:  one with emeralds and diamonds, and one with rubies and diamonds.  They were beautiful!  I was blown away by the generosity that would give them to me!  Their value to me is much more than whatever monetary value could be assigned to them.  These were a part of my dear friend, and would be precious and treasured, even if they were only costume jewelry.

I have always thought of myself as a tomboy – and until recently the thought of being a “girlie girl” terrified me.  I have long had issues with my femininity – and maybe it is that I didn’t feel worthy of being female?  Maybe it’s because I have never had much success with womanly wiles – batting my eyes, flirting, teasing.  Maybe it’s because my self-esteem was so low that I could only see myself as sort of a pretend woman, afraid that someone would discover my secret that I don’t even know how to BE a woman.

Whatever the reason – I have never been one for fine jewels.  Dave has tried to buy me things like that, but I have never worn them.  I laughed and said that I much prefer “gypsy-harlot” jewelry.  (That’s my invented term for the dangly, sparkly costume jewelry I’m fond of wearing.)  The truth is, as my weight has dropped, my self-esteem has gone up; and as my self-esteem has gone up, I find myself much more inclined to wear jewelry EVERY DAY.  I say all of this to explain what happened when I opened the box and saw those beautiful rings.  I was touched that they cared – and I was honored that they would give me something so precious.  I tried them on – and both rings fit perfectly.  And all of a sudden, I’m not afraid to wear something so beautiful.  I will wear one of these rings every day for the rest of my life.  My gratitude for this gift goes far beyond the actual jewelry – in accepting this gift, I have finally accepted something inside of me.  I don’t know how to say “Thank You” for that.