Birthday Dinner

Tomorrow is my birthday dinner.  In my family, the birthday person gets to pick anything he or she wants for dinner, and my Mom prepares it to order.  With me, there is seldom any question…I want LASAGNA!  (I could very easily identify with GARFIELD – I love lasagna!)  Add a nice salad, and some garlic bread, and it’s a perfect meal in my book.  Of course, I will only have a tiny bit of lasagna, and a bite or two of the garlic bread (purely in self-defense, I promise!)  What I’m really looking forward to is the family time!  When Mom asked me what I want for my birthday dinner, I really had a difficult time deciding.  Lasagna is a long-time favorite of mine – but the truth is, I would have been happy with anything.  It seems funny, but what I eat is no longer my number one concern.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I don’t care. 

I guess that is further evidence that I have come a long, long way.  I haven’t arrived yet – but the journey so far has been incredible!  It felt good today to be able to cross off one of my goals: to be lose the weight that is putting such an enormous strain on my heart.  I’m so glad that my heart has improved.

Happy weekend to everyone!

Christmas in July

Every once in a while, something happens that is far beyond my expectations – something that lifts my spirits in a way that has to be from God!  Yesterday was one of those days.

It was supposed to be a regular check up with my cardiologist.  Once a year, he does an echocardiogram.  This is just a precaution – making sure that I am not losing ground.  Last year, I asked him if my heart was ever going to improve.  He replied that realistically, the best I could hope for was to maintain my current heart function.  I accepted that verdict without complaint, and made sure that I did what I could to maintain, working hard on dropping the weight and exercising. 

So yesterday, I went in – not expecting much.  While the tech is doing the echo, I thought I noticed improvement – but of course, I am not trained in reading all of the numbers, so I asked her what my EF was.  I know that techs don’t normally share their opinions, but the worst she can say is that she can’t tell me anything.  She did quite a lot more testing than she normally does.  And she said that it looked like my Ejection Fraction was somewhere between 40 and 45%, but that the doctor would have to verify that.  (The Ejection Fraction represents the percentage of the volume of blood that is pumped out of your heart with each beat.  “Normal” is 65 – 75%; when I first was diagnosed, my EF was 15%.  Last year, my EF was 30%.) 

I didn’t dare to hope that she was giving me accurate information, but the doctor confirmed it.  He was very surprised.  He also told me that my heart is no longer grossly enlarged.  There is still some enlargement, but it has definitely decreased in size.  And while there is sometimes improvement in the EF, there is seldom improvement for an enlarged heart.  They did other testing – one that included having me walk up and down a long hallway, where they had measured out 250 feet.  I did this for six minutes – and actually walked 1500 feet in that time (up and back three times.)  That was better than I have ever been able to do.  They immediately took me in and measured my oxygen saturation, and my blood pressure.  I was a little winded, but not anything like I have been in the past.  My ox sat was 88, which was a drop, but returned to 99 or 100 within a couple of minutes.  My blood pressure was very good at 120/78.  I recovered quite quickly, catching my breath easily. 

I feel like I have been given a present of incomparable worth.  I didn’t expect it, I’m not sure I deserve it, but I am ever so grateful for it!  I’m sure the doctor feels that it is a combination of the weight loss and the exercise.  And while I totally acknowledge that both things played a part in this, I KNOW that the biggest part is the prayers that so many people have prayed for me – and the answer God has given!  This was my hope from the very beginning, and to have so much progress makes me very glad I started this journey!

Medication

Last week I called in a refill for one of my medications.  I didn’t have any refills left – so the pharmacy called my doctor to get the refill.  Every Sunday night, Dave fills my weekly pill container – so that I don’t have to go through all of the bottles every day.  I didn’t need any of the refills until yesterday.  When I took my pills last night – it struck me odd that the medication in question was twice as big as it had been.  I checked the bottle – and verified that the dosage was twice as much as I had been taking.  This particular drug – potassium – can have dire consequences if there is too much in my system.  It is the drug that the infamous Dr. Death (Dr. Jack Kevorkian) used to neutralize the electrical conduction of the heart and stop its beating.  It is also used as the last of the lethal injections in the execution of criminals.  Since I already have heart issues – not paying attention to this could be fatal.

I called the pharmacy this morning to check on it – and found out that the pharmacy made the mistake – the prescription was written for the dosage I had been taking.  She said that it is good that I’m paying attention – and that it is an easy fix – I can simply cut the pill in half – and then I will have two months’ worth.  I don’t even want to think about what could have happened if I weren’t paying attention.  One dose might not be a problem (and in fact – I cut the pill last night – and only took half); but if this were doubled for a period of time, the effect would be compounded and cumulative.  I wasn’t trying to get anyone at the pharmacy in trouble – but the pharmacist assured me that this issue would be addressed – to keep it from happening again.

I will be going to the cardiologist tomorrow – having my annual echocardiogram and checkup.  I do not anticipate any problems – in fact, I’m kind of hoping that this will reveal some improvement with my heart.  (OK, in reality, that isn’t very likely – any improvement would have manifested some time ago, but I still hope.)  At the very least, I am praying that my heart has maintained its current status.  I may not be able to blog though; after I get to work, I will have to play catch up. 

Birthday Reflections

I had a GREAT weekend.  I didn’t DO anything particularly out of the ordinary – went to the pool, went to the movies, went to church, ate dinner after church with some friends, to name a few of my activities – but it was a wonderful weekend, regardless.

First of all, I had birthday greetings from many people – in person, on the phone, via text, with cards both electronically and through the mail, and through Facebook!  It is nice to know that so many people are thinking about me, for a moment anyway, on my special day.  People sang to me – people came to visit – people gave me lots of birthday hugs!  A big THANKS to everyone who took the time!

Next, I got my new driver’s license.  I’m really glad that I took the time to go to the DDS (Department of Driver Services) instead of renewing online.  I wanted a new picture, for obvious reasons, and I wanted to remove the restriction for corrective lenses.  (I had lasix surgery several years ago, but had never made that change.)  If you renew online, you cannot make any changes.  I don’t really want a ticket of any kind, but if I DO get pulled over now, I won’t mind showing my license.  And it really looks like me, so I can use if for identification!

Saturday night we got to go to the movies.  While this used to be a common occurrence, it rarely happens now as we watch our finances closely.  But when one of the local theaters was open at midnight last week for the opening of a much-anticipated movie – Dave got to deliver pizza for all of the theater workers.  Part of his tip included three movie passes – good for any movie!  We used them to the IMAX 3D theater – at over $15 each ticket – that turned into an amazing tip!  And we enjoyed our movie.

Worship service was wonderful yesterday!  Dave got to lead worship.  We taught the congregation “Days of Elijah” and people seemed to enjoy it.  And Dave sang the special music – “How Great Thou Art” – my all-time favorite!  I signed while he sang, and judging from the comments, it was really appreciated by everyone in attendance.

After service, we went out for dinner with friends – at a great restaurant.  It was so much fun just being there with everyone.  For the most part, it was the same group we go out with every Sunday, but it is good to fellowship with friends.

As I read this list and reflect on my birthday – I realize again how very blessed I am.  I don’t need things – I have PEOPLE – wonderful PEOPLE!  And that is the best present of all!

Worthy

Worthy (Friday, July 22, 2011)

I’m sorry I didn’t blog yesterday.  Everything was crazy busy, but I made it through the day – so here I am today!

I have thought a lot in the last few weeks about being worthy.  Today, one of my online Bible Studies talked about this very thing.  It hit home for me, and I feel like there is a message for many of my friends.  So, I’m going to post it here, giving full credit to the person who wrote it.  This is from a Bible Study called, “Girlfriends in God.”  If you are interested in receiving this study, you can sign up at www.biblegateway.com/newsletters.  My blog is a little long today, but it is important enough that I need to share it:

July 22, 2011

Who Defines Your Worth? ~ Gwen Smith

Today's Truth

“You are precious and honored in my sight...” (Isaiah 43:4a, NIV).

Friend To Friend

Last winter, I bought my daughter a really cute jacket at the mall. It's a hoodie that's made of a cuddly fabric with cream, lavender, and mint green horizontal stripes. The jacket zips up in the front and is well crafted, stylish, and simply adorable.

When I bought it, I felt like the price on the tag was a fair one, so I gladly pulled out my wallet and paid the retail amount. I was a kid in a candy store on the way home. I fully anticipated a shriek of happiness from my little bag of beans when I gave it to her. Delightfully, I wasn't disappointed. Kennedy loved her new coat, and I was pleased with my purchase. Happy dances all around - until a week later, when I saw the same jacket in the same store at a greatly reduced price. Are you tensing up with me? Suddenly, I felt schnookered! Ripped off. Taken advantage of. As soon as I saw the red line on the price tag of the unsold coats, everything changed - Kennedy's jacket wasn't worth what I paid for it.

When we speak of the worth of something, we often consider it to be a relative term. One that has shifting factors. For example, last week the cute jacket was thirty-nine dollars, and now it's nineteen ninety-nine. The jacket didn't change, but its perceived worth did.

Now, consider the worth of a woman. Are the factors that determine her value based upon variable, shifting factors or are they based upon fixed factors? Seems to be a silly question, doesn't it? Fixed, of course! But, if the answer is so glaringly obvious, why do we struggle so much as women with feeling worthless? Why do we walk around feeling like that red lined jacket? I think it's because we often allow variable earthly factors to define our worth.

What kind of variable factors?

There are so many reasons why women feel worthless:

Because they've been abused (raped, molested, physically abused, verbally abused...)

Because they've been told that they're worthless (by a parent, spouse, sibling, teenage child, or another...)

Because of choices they've made (divorce, infidelity, abortion, promiscuity, eating disorders, addictions, uncontrolled anger...)

Because they've been cheated on (infidelity, internet affair, pornography...)

Because they're co-dependent (conclude their value based upon other people - "If my husband isn't okay, I'm not okay.")

Because they don't collect a paycheck (stay at home moms that have left the work force, laid off employees, displaced employees, those on disability...)

Because they've battled an illness (unable to care for family, perform basic home duties, participate in ministry or Bible study like they once did, can't drive, cook...)

Unfortunately, the variable factors that we use to define our worth are endless. Many of us feel worthless. Why? We've felt ignored, invisible, insignificant, useless, undesired, ugly, unloved, or forgotten. We girls are emotional, broken in many ways. Great portions of our identity and of our personal value are wrapped into combustible packages of emotion - how we feel about this or that. The truth is, our worth has nothing to do with our feelings.

Trust me, I'm not going to try to convince you that I know everything there is to know about feeling like a woman of worth. Or about being a woman of worth. I am in the trenches with you. I struggle with normal woman things. I don't live a fancy schmancy, rose-colored wonder-life. I hit the snooze button several times each morning. I pack lunches for my kids. I spend countless hours of my life each year sitting in the car pool line. It's a never-ending struggle for me to keep the laundry done and my kids often have to fish for a matching pair of socks in the clean-clothes basket. My husband is my soul mate, but is far from perfect. For that matter, Brad should win a lifetime achievement award for enduring the drama of me! And my kids bring me both great joy and great frustration on a daily basis.

Is this sounding at all familiar to you?

See - I'm just like you, and I'm walking this faith journey right beside you. In fact, the more I know God, the less inclined I am to pretend to have life or faith figured out. Amen? I'm constantly tempted to define my worth with activities, emotions, and accomplishments. I've come to realize, however, that way of thinking is a spiritual dead end road. Scripture tells us that anything we do in our own strength or of our own goodness is of no value to God. "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6a, emphasis mine).

What I do know is this: because of Jesus Christ, I'm a woman of highest worth. Not because of anything else. I'm a grace girl. Not perfect by a long stretch. I've been changed by the unconditional love of God and restored to perfect beauty through the shed blood of Jesus. Because of love, we are His daughters, precious in His sight. In light of this, we need to set aside feelings that diminish our value, and embrace our proper identity: Child of the King of Kings.

Hear this, friend: feelings of worthlessness are from Satan himself. It burns me up that the enemy has such a strong grip on God's daughters in this area. We need to associate the word worthless with the word lie. That's exactly what it is, a big, fat lie! I talk to women all the time who bend a knee to negative feelings and live defeated lives because they don't quite know how to overcome their sense of worthlessness. God wants every one of us to experience healing and have an appropriate sense of self-worth.

So let's go back to Kennedy's new coat for just a moment. Imagine walking into God's department store. There on the rack, you spy a coat that is just plain fabulous - I mean stop-you-in-your-tracks fabulous! One-size fits all, the tag reads. Yeah, right, you whisper under your breath. Then you flip over the price tag and it's crazy expensive. Way beyond what you could ever dream of paying. Like, if you added up every dollar that ever passed through your hands - then multiplied that by ten thousand - that kind of expensive. Then imagine the storeowner walking over to you, slipping the coat off the rack and onto your shoulders.

"It's a perfect fit," He smiles.

"Sir," you manage with a whisper, "I could never afford such a coat. This is meant for royalty and I'm, well, just an ordinary girl."

"Oh precious woman, this coat is made especially for you, and the price has already been paid in full."

As the owner straightens the sleeves on your arms and adjusts the collar around your neck, you notice his hands - nail pierced hands. And suddenly you realize that this is the covering you were meant to wear all along.

You see, the Bible tells us that because of what Jesus did on the cross, we can be clothed with the "robe of righteousness." The apostle Paul tells us that when we are reconciled to God, we become His righteousness. "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21 ). There's no way we could ever afford or earn such a robe but Jesus gave His life for us - He earned it for us.  He paid the price and we receive the gift.  Why?  Because you're worth it. You are precious and highly valuable in the eyes of the One who sees. And you never, never, never have to worry about being on anyone's bargain rack again.

Let's Pray

Holy Father, I'm humbled at the very thought that I could be viewed as precious in Your eyes. Thank You for taking on my sin so that I could take on your righteousness. Please help me to see myself as You see me. Help me to thrive in Your beauty!

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

Now It's Your Turn

What came to your mind as you read today's devotion? Grab your journal and write about it.

Are you held captive by feelings of worthlessness? Spend a few moments in prayer and ask God to reveal truth to your heart about how He sees you.

Print or write out this verse: "I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands" (Isaiah 49:15-16, NASB). Set it to memory and allow it to serve as a reminder that you are precious to God.

More From The Girlfriends

I wish I could reach through my computer screen, grab your hands, and pray with you right now. I don't know what you are going through, but our loving Father is keenly aware of your circumstances, your feelings, and your needs. Please take heart in knowing that Mary, Sharon, and I are praying for you.

Today's devotion is from Gwen's book, Broken into Beautiful. Gwen's full testimony is featured in her book, along with Scriptural truths and stories of how God has brought restoration the hearts of many other women who had painful life wounds. God delights to transform lives ... including your own. Experience God's healing and hope in your life today as you read Broken Into Beautiful! To order the book, go to Amazon or, for a signed copy, visit Gwen's website: www.gwensmith.net.

NEED PRAYER? Visit Gwen's facebook page at www.Facebook.com/GwenSmithMusic. Today Gwen will designate her Facebook wall to prayer, so swing by and post a prayer need, then while you are there, pray for the needs posted by other GiGs.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Or maybe it should read, “Lift, Straighten, Repeat.”  I have really been making the effort to go to the pool and exercise every day.  I must admit, yesterday when I came home from work, it was really hot and sticky, and the LAST thing I wanted to do was walk down to the pool, especially when I looked out the window and saw dark clouds rolling in.  But I quickly changed into my swimsuit, and walked out the door before I could talk myself out of it.  As I trekked the half-mile or so to the pool, I watched the clouds, and was afraid I was going to be soaked before I ever made it to the pool.  The clouds turned out to be a lot of threat, but no follow-through, so I was glad I decided to go anyway.

The only person there when I arrived was the pool monitor.  I parked my belongings at the far end of the pool.  The water there is four feet deep – which is perfect to do the exercises I do.  I started by normally walking across the pool, with my arms to my sides, hands cupped just below the surface of the water to provide some extra resistance.  I did that four times across the pool.  Then I did deep lunges as I walked across the pool, deep enough to get my ears under water with each step.  I also did that four times across the pool.  Next, I pulled my knee all the way out of the water with each step – four times across the pool.  Finally, I ended with a combination of the knee out of the water and deep lunge – four times across the pool.

The next step is a variety of leg lifts.  I do 10 repetitions on each leg, for each leg lift that I do.  And every time, I make sure my foot (and sometimes my knee, as well) breaks the surface of the water.  I ended by doing some stretches – putting my foot on the edge of the pool, leaning over the raised foot, touching my forehead to my knee.  After 45 minutes of all of this, I really feel like I’ve worked hard. 

So, last night, I brought out my float.  We have floats that are mesh in the middle – and on hot days that is perfect, because your body stays cool in the water.  The wind was blowing hard last night, though, and while the water was comfortable, the air was quite cool.  I didn’t float for very long.  I got out, dried off, gathered my things and walked home. 

OK – I know this recitation of my exercises is boring.  However, I also know that there are several significant things about me doing this.  First of all, I am actually doing it – even when I don’t really want to, and even when there are reasons (like impending weather) for me to choose not to.  Secondly, I walked to and from the pool.  Half a mile may not seem like much, but when I consider that in my not too distant past, that distance seemed a cross-country hike, I’m thrilled that I am ABLE to walk that far.  Also, I’m excited that I’m able to do all the lifts – and lift my legs four feet!  200 pounds ago, I might have been able to lift them four inches!  (Thank you, K – and Yoga!)  Finally, I did all of this and didn’t absolutely collapse when I got home.  I did dishes, I cooked supper for my husband, and I took a shower. 

Exercise is definitely NOT my favorite thing in the world – but I do feel better when I make myself do it.

A Beautiful Quote

Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing that you're worthy of the trip.

I found this quote today on the Obesity Help website.  It was as if I was meant to find it.  Not only do I need to hear this – over and over and over again – but also I know so many people who need this message. 

Self-image plays a big part in the journey following weight loss surgery.  Most people have a horrible self-image by the time they actually decide to pursue surgery.  This is intensified by the world we live in – in subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, ways.  Physical beauty is idolized, and anyone who doesn’t meet certain criteria is considered sub-standard.  Many people have had relationships where they are attacked for being less than perfect – which diminishes self-image even further.  While it may not be true of everyone who chooses weight loss surgery, it is a fair bet that many people have only tatters of self-esteem left, which they clutch to themselves, desperately trying not to let anyone see their nakedness and vulnerability underneath.

As much as I would like to say my self-image has improved, and it really has, I can also say I have far to go in this area.  I still need reassurance about the clothes I am wearing.  I still need someone to tell me the advice I have given another person is accurate.  I still need to bounce ideas off a friend to make sure I’m not going wild.  I still want feedback that tells me I’m doing well – in whatever capacity I am currently working. 

Yet I get frustrated with friends who don’t know their worth!  I think I’m a pretty good judge of character and of people.  The people I consider true friends are WORTHY of my friendship – they are funny, and deeply spiritual, and compassionate, and beautiful – without exception.  I WANT them to feel confident and beautiful.  I WANT them to know how much they mean to me!  I WANT them to face their own battles with self-image, and come out victorious!  I TRULY WANT them to believe THEY ARE WORTHY.

Maybe the way for that to happen is for me to win my battle over this.  It has been a journey – and I don’t regret one second of it. 

Like Riding a Bike...

I have a bicycle!  I haven’t ridden it yet – I’m not sure the old saying is quite as accurate as we have always believed.  A friend gave me her son’s bicycle – he absolutely hates riding, and has only been on it 3 or 4 times, at her insistence.  I made a weak attempt to ride in their driveway, but decided perhaps I should do some practicing by myself – to avoid any further embarrassment.  It has been 35 year OR MORE since I have been on a bike.  That’s a long time to remember something – especially since my last trip ended rather ignominiously.  The bike accident wasn’t pretty at all.  However, that is the past.  My plan is to get it out, ride on the flat part of our street, and then, hopefully, after I’m sure I won’t disgrace myself, make it all the way down to the pool. 

I have to go this week to get my driver’s license renewed.  I think it will be interesting to state my actual weight on my license without being embarrassed.  I can’t remember ever doing that!  I will get a new picture, too!  I don’t ever remember looking forward to anything involving my license!

I am also going to get some instruction in water aerobics!  I’m so excited!  A friend is going to come over and show me some of the moves.  In exchange, I’m going to show her some yoga moves.  I’m not an expert in yoga by any stretch of the imagination, but I can certainly go over some of the basics.  Who KNEW I would ever be in this place?  I like it!

It was a better than average weekend.  Most weekends, I have a great deal of difficulty staying on track.  I’m not talking about massive weight gain, just a few ounces here or there, but this weekend – I actually dropped about 1 ½ pounds!  Yippee!  Happy Monday, everyone.

Why?

Last night at my yoga class, the friend who has helped me so much with my tomato plants brought a five-gallon bucket filled halfway with cherry and grape tomatoes to give out to anyone who wanted them.  I have been enjoying tomatoes from my plants all along.  In a few days, I’m going to have more cherry tomatoes than I will be able to eat.  But did that stop me?  Not at all – I helped myself to several free tomatoes.  (Don’t worry – I let everyone else take what he or she wanted before I took any – and my friend still took home about half of what he brought.)

It was only later that I wondered why I did that.  Is it because the promise of getting something for nothing is so great?  Is it that I just can’t stand to see something go to waste?  Did I REALLY think I needed those tomatoes?  Am I just so used to having much more than I need, that I stock up at every opportunity?  If I’m honest, I’m still not 100% sure why I felt compelled to take some of those tomatoes.  Still, I promise they won’t go to waste – I love tomatoes, whether I grew them or not. 

Today I put on one of the blouses I bought last year with my birthday money – the first shopping expedition after my surgery.  It is made to be blousy – so it still looks pretty good – that is, until I was getting on the van this morning and realized that the armholes are showing my bra.  Not just a little bit peeking out – the bottom of the armhole is BELOW the bottom of my bra band – how did that happen???  At work I am bundled up in a fleece jacket, so I’m not too worried about exposing anything, but still…

Happy Friday to everyone!  It has been a long week!

An Interesting Conversation

Last night at church, I had an interesting conversation.  A woman sat down next to me and introduced herself.  We had seen each other but had not officially met.  The conversation wandered as most dialogues do, and she complimented the outfit I was wearing.  I thanked her, and explained that most of my clothes are hand-me-downs, and that I’m really enjoying getting to wear different styles.  This lead to a conversation about the weight that I have dropped.  I showed her my before picture, and we talked some about the differences in my life since the weight is gone.

At the end of the discussion, she got up to leave, and said, “You are really beautiful.”

I was telling my husband about the conversation on the way home.  When I got the part about me being beautiful – he seemed incredulous that I was even questioning that fact, like everyone KNOWS that I’m beautiful.  All of my life, there have been many, many different words used to describe me.  Some of the more flattering are “competent,” “capable,” “talented,” and “loyal.”  There are many more words that are not quite so complimentary.  But in all my life, I don’t think “beautiful” has ever been one of the words that people use when talking about me.

I have always cared much more about being a beautiful person on the inside, than I have cared about being beautiful on the outside.  I want to be a godly woman and someone who is kind and considerate.  I have never aspired to be beautiful by the world’s standards, but I have to admit, there is a part deep within me that basked in that compliment.  Me…beautiful?  Wow.

Driven to Distraction

Today, on the ride into work, there was a work truck that was all over the road.  As we passed him in the HOV lane, the reason was obvious – the driver was trying to get something out of cooler that was located between the two front seats.  There were several other people in the vehicle who COULD have helped, but the person in the front passenger seat was sleeping.  I don’t know what was so important for this man to get – but he nearly caused several accidents, and I was glad when we were safely around him.

Distracted drivers are a leading cause of automobile accidents.  It takes only a fraction of a second for a car to swerve out of lane – and into another vehicle.  A driver can be distracted visually – looking at anything that takes their eyes off the road.  A driver can be distracted cognitively – engaging in anything that diverts their attention from the task of driving.  And a driver can be distracted manually – having one or both hands off the wheel.  When a driver is distracted in two or more of these areas, the chances of an accident increase exponentially.

Several years ago, the local newspaper ran an article listing what drivers were doing when police pulled them over for reckless driving.  Some of the things on the list were expected – eating, talking on a cell phone, and reading a map.  There were several grooming items on the list – either shaving or putting on make-up.  Dealing with children or pets while driving – also on the list.  My personal favorite was a lady who was putting on pantyhose – while driving a car above the speed limit on a major highway!  (Seriously???  I have difficulty putting on pantyhose under the best of circumstances.  I can’t imagine trying to do it while driving a car at 65+ mph on a crowded Atlanta interstate highway.  It is possible in doing that one would have both feet and both hands engaged – what exactly is guiding the car??)

Now, what does this have to do with my journey following weight loss surgery?  Well, I think that one of the biggest contributing factors to my issues with food and with weight has been distraction.  Historically, when I eat – I am doing a myriad of other things – and NOT concentrating on the food I am putting in my mouth.  Sometimes, I was distracted visually – I must confess, even today, most of my meals are eaten in front of the computer or the television.  I’m distracted cognitively – eating when I’m upset, or bored, or lonely.  And just like these distractions can cause an automobile accident – they can also cause a “diet” accident.  It is far too easy to shovel food in my mouth when I’m not paying attention.  A “few” chips becomes half the bag.  Two cookies become ten cookies.  A handful of nuts becomes the whole container.

I am doing a little better with this.  If I do want chips, for example, I pour some out into a small container – and put the bag away.  I’m less inclined to eat more than a few that way, especially since getting more means getting up and going into another room again.  I think about my food more – and enjoy it more.   Eating with a plan and a purpose takes discipline and takes practice. 

Using the Pool

I officially made it to the pool last night – to start the exercise program the doctor wants me on for my knee.  I walked and did a variety of leg lifts in the pool for a solid 30 minutes, then walked home.  Boy, am I sore this morning!  The walking home was part of the issue – but I haven’t been doing ANYTHING for a while, so it is not just my knee hurting this morning.  It is a good hurt, though; I don’t mind being sore when I know that it will soon pass.  I plan to head back tonight and start the whole thing over again.  It feels good to get back to doing exercise.

I need to decide what I am going to do after September when the pool in our subdivision closes for the season.  Once I have the momentum going – I really and truly do not want to get out of the habit.  I may have to look at the Y or some other indoor pool.  If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know!  In the meantime, I will be going down to the pool most evenings, provided it isn’t raining.  If anyone would like to join me, just call me.  I’m still looking for a used bicycle – to make the trip back and forth from the pool a little easier. 

At first, I was a little self-conscious about doing all these exercises in the pool.  Traditionally, the time that I am there, is a time when families come.  But no one was paying any attention to me – I was in my own little section – and I just did my thing.  And I decided that my health is much more important than what other people are thinking about me – if they even think about me at all.  I am working hard on my weight, and consequently, my health – and that is what really matters.

I had a nice compliment yesterday.  I was standing in my boss’ office, and she said that I’m just getting skinnier and skinnier.  I thanked her, and then told her that the scales really didn’t agree with her.  She said that not losing weight doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m not getting skinnier.  The exercise is creating muscle – and things are definitely rearranging.  That makes this plateau a little easier to bear – knowing that the people who are watching still see progress. 

Parent for a Day

Start with some good friends who are taking a much-deserved two-week vacation.  Add an older sister who has to work all day on a Sunday.  Mix in a grandmother who has to be out of town.  And you’re left with a 13-year-old boy who was going to be all by himself for a very long Sunday.  There is no doubt in my mind that he would have been okay all by himself – but we let him spend Saturday night with us, took him to church and lunch afterwards, then spent all day on Sunday with him.

Being a parent – even if it is only for a day – is a LOT different from not being a parent.  For one thing, you have to be much more aware.  When we’re all together, it is Mom and Dad’s job to keep track of him – to make sure he is doing what he is supposed to do – and saying what he is supposed to say.  I never give it a thought.  But when I’m in charge – all of a sudden, I can’t just float in the pool – I have to keep an eye on him.  (That would be all I need – to have him running around the pool, and fall and crack open his head or break an arm, just in time for the folks to come back.)  When we are eating out with friends after church – I have to keep one ear on his conversation – to make sure he is being respectful.  Our friends have done a GREAT job!  This young man is sweet and funny, respectful and thoughtful.  Our job was really pretty easy this weekend.  But I’m still tired this morning – it is very different being a parent, even for a day.

It is kind of like the difference in going on a diet and making changes in my lifestyle.  A diet is a lot of work, but at the end of the day, it is still only temporary.  I can work hard at a diet, just like I worked hard at being a one-day parent, but eventually I’m done – and I quit working hard at the diet, just like I send my friend’s son home.  But making the necessary changes in my lifestyle is like being a parent full-time.  The responsibility doesn’t end quickly.  It is a long-term commitment, through the good times and the hard times; I might be able to take a little break, but I can’t turn my back on it.  And with a diet, I might feel good about it at the end of the day – like it felt good to be with my friend’s son.  But my one day of parenting will never give me the satisfaction of knowing that I raised my child to be an adult – taking responsibility for his actions – making wise choices – and becoming a person worthy of respect.  And my temporary diet will not give me dramatic, lasting results.

If had to choose the one-day parent – or the lifetime parent – I would definitely choose the lifetime.  And if I have to choose between the quickie diet, and the changes in lifestyle, I am choosing the changes in lifestyle.

“For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.  When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.’  ‘Where, O death, is your victory?  Where, O death, is  our sting?’”  (1 Corinthians 15:53-55, NIV)

Advancing in Yoga

When I first started out in yoga (the end of April 2010), I was so frustrated.  There was so much that I could not even come close to doing.  I couldn’t touch my toes or the floor from a standing position.  I couldn’t touch my forehead to my knees in ANY position.  I couldn’t hold any of the balance positions.  Last night, I actually looked around some while doing the class, and with the exception of the teacher, and maybe one other person, I was doing everything better than most people in the class were.  Understand, yoga is NOT about competing with other people; it’s about going further MYSELF.  I was able to put my hands flat on the floor from a standing position.  I could touch my forehead to my knees in every position we did last night. 

My teacher was right – with practice, I am able to do many of the things I first thought impossible.  Granted, my form may not be perfect – (OK – DEFINITELY IS NOT PERFECT!) – and I may wiggle when I try to balance – but I can stretch now like never before.  I still get a little dizzy when I’m upside down – (thanks to some of my meds) – but my heels are firmly planted on the ground in the Downward Facing Dog pose.  And last night, I was even able to do some of the poses requiring me to be on my knee – that is the first time since starting yoga that I have been able to do that!   The new meds are definitely working. 

I’m thankful that my teacher kept encouraging me when I didn’t feel like I was making any progress – because now the progress is measureable.  I’m grateful that she is so committed to yoga – because there have been times I went to class just for her – and now I hate to miss it.  Persistence and practice have certainly paid off!

So here’s to Sun Salutation, Relaxation Pose, and all of the other poses in yoga!  Can’t wait until we do it again!

Serafina

Serafina is our youngest cat, and the only other female in the house.  Every night, she plays a game with me.  She recognizes the signs that I am getting ready for bed:  I go into the bathroom, I take my pills, I check my alarm, and then I move the decorative pillows off the bed.  The next step will be to turn down the covers and crawl into bed.  Every night, she crouches on top of the covers with her back to me, pretending like she doesn’t see me getting ready for bed, and like she doesn’t know that I am going to cover her up with the comforter in just a few seconds.  Every night I cover her up – and then she just lies there, purring.   This cracks me up; neither of the other cats wants to be covered up at all, unless they are burrowing under something to hide.  Serafina seems to enjoy this little game – which is further enhanced when I take a few minutes to play with her under the covers.  She pounces on my hand or bats at my fingers, purring noisily the entire time.

During the night, she waits for me to get up to go into the bathroom.  Then she jumps on the bed, and curls up to “sleep” in the warm place I have just vacated.  She feigns indignation when I come back a minute later, and she loudly protests when I pick her up and move her, because, after all, that is MY BED, and I want to sleep. 

Maybe one of the reasons I enjoy these times with Serafina so much is because I have behaved just like her so many times.  I “know” what I am doing when I put food into my mouth, but I “pretend” that it is something else.  I “know” when my eating is out of control, but I “pretend” that everything is perfectly normal.  I “know” that the overeating causes so many health issues, but I “pretend” that I am truly OK.  Pretending is fine when you are a child, or a cat, and even sometimes as an adult.  But when the “pretend” becomes justification for things I am doing to my body, it’s not so good anymore.  I will keep playing the games with Serafina, but I refuse to play games with my health and my life anymore.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”  1 Corinthians 13:10-12

(Sorry I didn’t post yesterday.)

Of Fireworks and Thunderstorms

Yesterday was the 4^th of July, and traditionally, people like to watch a fireworks display on this holiday.  I love fireworks!  Everyone “oohs” and “aahs” over the colorful demonstration.  However, many events in our area were cancelled or postponed last night due to thunderstorms, some of them quite severe.

Dave had to work last night, so I was home.  I probably could have made arrangements to go see some fireworks with some friends, but I was tired from a busy weekend, and chose just to chillax at home.  That was probably just as well – I’m not sure if the local fireworks happened or not.  We had several thunderstorms come through last night, and from inside my house it was difficult to tell if the noise was coming from the heavens or from someone’s backyard.  It didn’t matter where the noise originated to my cats; they jumped at every sound – and all three wanted to be right on top of me, or under the bed.  Nothing I did could calm them down – not even draining the tuna fish juice into their bowls. 

So many times, I act like one of my cats.  I react to circumstances with fear.  I remain jumpy despite friends or family who try to calm me down.  I am not comforted by even those things that otherwise would bring me the greatest joy.  And in my past, I ate my way through the fear.  I can laugh at my cats – but it isn’t so funny when I’m the one afraid. 

Fear is something addressed in the Bible from the beginning to the end:

“But the LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’  He answered, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.’”  (Genesis 3:9-10, NIV)

“Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer.  I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days.  Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown.”  (Revelation 2:10, NIV)

Fear is part of the human condition.  But praise God!  We have been delivered from fear. 

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  (2 Timothy 1:7, King James Version)  {“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” – 2 Timothy 1:7, NIV}

New Meds

I always hate taking new meds – I’m never exactly sure how they are going to affect me.  So far, this new one hasn’t been too bad.  It doesn’t quite make me dizzy – I think I’m going to have to come up with a descriptive term for what I am feeling:  demi-dizzy, maybe?  I feel like I WILL be dizzy if I just turn my head too fast.  A friend on my vanpool suggested it felt like a “whoosh” between my ears.  I hesitate to use that, knowing it will leave things open for all kinds of comments from the peanut gallery, even though that may be the most accurate.

At the moment, however, I am feeling distinctly nauseous.  I believe that is a combination of the new medicine, and the drive in to work.  I have always been particularly susceptible to motion sickness, and the driver this morning does a lot of the things that make me a little “green around the gills”:  pressing on the gas, then releasing; overcompensating when turning the wheel; stopping very quickly.  Hopefully this will pass soon!

The good news is that my knee may be feeling the tiniest bit better.  It didn’t seem as stiff this morning, and I don’t remember waking up last night with it hurting, for the first time in several months.  I like seeing progress – of any kind!

Today is Canada Day – so to all my Canadian friends and family – best wishes! 

It’s the Friday before a long weekend.  Realistically, that means traffic will most likely be horrible on the way home, although ever the optimist, I really hope it isn’t.  People head out for vacations or to visit friends or family – and they all seem to want to go at exactly the same time.  I’m praying that everyone has a safe holiday weekend!  Enjoy your barbeque – enjoy the fireworks – enjoy your day off!  I plan to relax.