I LOVE dressing up – getting to pretend I’m anyone I want to be. They always have a costume contest at work – and this year I wore my kimono – and wig. The kimono is authentic. Several years ago, a former exchange student was coming back to visit us – and asked for our measurements so that she could bring us custom made kimonos. I carefully measured everything, but I’m pretty sure whoever was making the kimono took one look at my hip measurement, and decided that no one could possibly be THAT huge, and it appears that they switched the hips and the height measurement. (Either that, or they had difficultly converting it from inches.) Whatever happened, the hips were way too small, and the length was excessive.
But this year, when I put it on – the kimono closes in front. It is still a little long – but otherwise it fits! VERY, VERY cool! The obi is a complicated thing of five layers. I’m not really sure that I have them in the right order, but I was able to get it on - and again, TOO COOL, the top layer wraps around 1 ½ times, just like it is supposed to. (The last time I wore the kimono and obi, I could only get it wrapped around one time.) Both of these things represent significant inches lost – and that makes me very, very happy.
It’s fun to dress up as someone or something else. But lately, I have really decided that I like being me. That is a tremendous change from who I was eight months ago. I didn’t like myself at all – and my fat was a barrier between me and most of the rest of the world. Don’t get me wrong – there were a number of people who loved me then, just as I was – who cared, who worried, who saw ME. But for every person who bothered to look – there were a whole lot more who made judgment about the fat lady – and never got any closer. To those true friends, I have to say that I love you with all my heart. Thank you for knowing ME – the real me, under the fat, under the pain, under the issues. A lot more people look at me this year – but I have really discovered, it doesn’t matter at all – the people who love me, are going to love me – not because of what I look like, or what I’m pretending to be – but because of who I am, deep inside.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Breaking Through
Today, I broke through a barrier. For about four weeks, I have hovered between 270 and 275. I haven’t gone ABOVE 275 – which is great – but I couldn’t get below 270. I tried lots of things – doing the treadmill more – eating less – nothing seemed to matter. But this morning, total JOY – I was 269.2. The really good news in all of this? I haven’t been frantic about my lack of progress. Annoyed? Yes. Frustrated? Definitely. But not panicked.
My health insurance company sends out a monthly newsletter. Normally, I glance over and through the articles, but don’t settle down to read them. However, today they had a really good article on emotional eating. Since I’m am, and always will be, an emotional eater, I thought I would include the link for it here: http://www.humana.com/resources/healthy_living/articles/mental_wellness/emotional_eating.aspx?WT.mc_id=EMEPPOCT10
Don’t get me wrong – I am learning to make better choices. I am fighting this. But like an alcoholic who always says, “I’m an alcoholic” – even after years of sobriety, I will always have to say that I’m an emotional eater. The tendency to turn to food for more than nutrition will always be one of my battles.
I’m making progress in all of the areas listed in the article, except one, and it is one that is often not associated much with losing weight: Get enough sleep. I’m up at 5:30 to get ready for work – and many nights, do not even get home from evening activities until 9:00 or sometimes even later. By the time I sit down to unwind and relax a bit – it is frequently 11:00 or later before I start to get ready for bed, and I am often pushing midnight before I actually get into bed. I have been blessed to be able to fall asleep almost instantly, but that still doesn’t give me the sleep I need. So, I’m putting it out there – my goal is to be IN BED by 10:30 on weeknights (before work), and 11:30 on weekends. And I am willing to let all of my friends and family who faithfully read this hold me accountable on this. But be patient with me – it is going to be difficult.
My health insurance company sends out a monthly newsletter. Normally, I glance over and through the articles, but don’t settle down to read them. However, today they had a really good article on emotional eating. Since I’m am, and always will be, an emotional eater, I thought I would include the link for it here: http://www.humana.com/resources/healthy_living/articles/mental_wellness/emotional_eating.aspx?WT.mc_id=EMEPPOCT10
Don’t get me wrong – I am learning to make better choices. I am fighting this. But like an alcoholic who always says, “I’m an alcoholic” – even after years of sobriety, I will always have to say that I’m an emotional eater. The tendency to turn to food for more than nutrition will always be one of my battles.
I’m making progress in all of the areas listed in the article, except one, and it is one that is often not associated much with losing weight: Get enough sleep. I’m up at 5:30 to get ready for work – and many nights, do not even get home from evening activities until 9:00 or sometimes even later. By the time I sit down to unwind and relax a bit – it is frequently 11:00 or later before I start to get ready for bed, and I am often pushing midnight before I actually get into bed. I have been blessed to be able to fall asleep almost instantly, but that still doesn’t give me the sleep I need. So, I’m putting it out there – my goal is to be IN BED by 10:30 on weeknights (before work), and 11:30 on weekends. And I am willing to let all of my friends and family who faithfully read this hold me accountable on this. But be patient with me – it is going to be difficult.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!
It’s that time of year, when everyone’s thoughts turn to goblins and ghosts. Several of the TV stations run scary movies in the days leading up to Halloween. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that all of these movies have a moment in time where one of the characters is going to open the door/window and the monster/ghoul/zombie/mummy is on the other side. I usually BEG the character not to do it, but apparently they can’t hear me – and boom - well, we all know what happens next.
I went to a haunted house in Gatlinburg one time. I went with a bunch of friends – and we worked ourselves up into a pretty bad scare just in the first room. It was a room with 12 identical doors. A few doors would open a little bit – and there was something blocking it. A couple doors opened into walls – or loud screams. One door opened into a passageway that came back into the room. Finally, there was only one door left – we finally worked up enough courage to open that door, and just as we got to it – someone jumped out – and scared us to death in the meantime. He had some sort of monster mask on. We ended up in a tight clump clear on the other side of the room. He kept pointing towards the door – indicating it was the one to go through – but it took us a few minutes to get up the courage. Finally I noticed that he had Nike sneakers on – how scary could he really be? So, we eventually made it through the door.
The rest of the haunted house was fairly uneventful – but it didn’t matter, we had worked ourselves up into a great big scare, and we jumped at everything. And then we got to the top floor. There was a little hallway. One side had an outdoor balcony that allowed you to see most of Gatlinburg. The other side had a balcony that opened all the way down (3 stories) to the entrance foyer. I stepped out onto that little balcony – just big enough for one person. And totally rigged to tilt forward. I’m sure it was only 10 degrees, or so, but it felt like I was going to plummet to my death three stories down. And I’m sure my scream echoed throughout Gatlinburg – and quite possibly was heard as far away as Knoxville.
Sometimes it’s fun to be scared. Haunted houses, scary movies – all of these things make big bucks, because people like to be scared. But when things happen in my life that are truly scary – for some reason I try to pretend that they aren’t real. I’m talking about things like serious health issues – congestive heart failure, kidney problems, or diabetes. Things that I may not have any control over. Things that can be intensified by weight. I spent a couple of years gasping for breath before I finally saw a doctor and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. The scare from that was a lot worse than any movie or haunted house, and it didn’t go away. And even after I faced the reality – I didn’t lose the weight. I guess I wasn’t scared ENOUGH. I am so grateful for the doctor who got in my face – who laid it out in black and white – who said to me, “Lose weight, or die.” He is the one who started me on this journey of weight loss. I’m still scared – some days the fear is paralyzing. It’s hard knowing that I have contributed to these health issues. It’s difficult knowing that they aren’t going to get better. It is really scary thinking that for the rest of my life – no matter how long that is – I will have to fight these battles. Maybe it’s a good thing to OPEN THAT DOOR and face my fears.
I went to a haunted house in Gatlinburg one time. I went with a bunch of friends – and we worked ourselves up into a pretty bad scare just in the first room. It was a room with 12 identical doors. A few doors would open a little bit – and there was something blocking it. A couple doors opened into walls – or loud screams. One door opened into a passageway that came back into the room. Finally, there was only one door left – we finally worked up enough courage to open that door, and just as we got to it – someone jumped out – and scared us to death in the meantime. He had some sort of monster mask on. We ended up in a tight clump clear on the other side of the room. He kept pointing towards the door – indicating it was the one to go through – but it took us a few minutes to get up the courage. Finally I noticed that he had Nike sneakers on – how scary could he really be? So, we eventually made it through the door.
The rest of the haunted house was fairly uneventful – but it didn’t matter, we had worked ourselves up into a great big scare, and we jumped at everything. And then we got to the top floor. There was a little hallway. One side had an outdoor balcony that allowed you to see most of Gatlinburg. The other side had a balcony that opened all the way down (3 stories) to the entrance foyer. I stepped out onto that little balcony – just big enough for one person. And totally rigged to tilt forward. I’m sure it was only 10 degrees, or so, but it felt like I was going to plummet to my death three stories down. And I’m sure my scream echoed throughout Gatlinburg – and quite possibly was heard as far away as Knoxville.
Sometimes it’s fun to be scared. Haunted houses, scary movies – all of these things make big bucks, because people like to be scared. But when things happen in my life that are truly scary – for some reason I try to pretend that they aren’t real. I’m talking about things like serious health issues – congestive heart failure, kidney problems, or diabetes. Things that I may not have any control over. Things that can be intensified by weight. I spent a couple of years gasping for breath before I finally saw a doctor and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. The scare from that was a lot worse than any movie or haunted house, and it didn’t go away. And even after I faced the reality – I didn’t lose the weight. I guess I wasn’t scared ENOUGH. I am so grateful for the doctor who got in my face – who laid it out in black and white – who said to me, “Lose weight, or die.” He is the one who started me on this journey of weight loss. I’m still scared – some days the fear is paralyzing. It’s hard knowing that I have contributed to these health issues. It’s difficult knowing that they aren’t going to get better. It is really scary thinking that for the rest of my life – no matter how long that is – I will have to fight these battles. Maybe it’s a good thing to OPEN THAT DOOR and face my fears.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Making Plans
I LOVE making plans. This weekend is our Trunk-or-Treat at church. I’m making plans for my game, and my costume, and the prizes we will give out. Then I’m making plans for the release concert of my husband’s gospel quartet CD (FINALLY!) And, I’m really making plans for our trip to Canada in just over two weeks! I am already thinking about how we will get to and from the airport – what suitcase I’m going to take – and what clothes I’m going to take – and how I will stay warm. I’m already making plans with family and friends to celebrate Christmas, and New Year’s Eve while we are there. (OK, we’re rushing the season a LITTLE, but you have to celebrate when you can!)
Isn’t it funny that for all the plans I make (I’m a GREAT little list maker!), it has taken me a lifetime to start making plans about my health and about food? I spent a long time talking about it. I spent even longer thinking about it. But it stopped there. I didn’t DO anything about it. More times than not – I just “grabbed something” to eat, not really caring if it was good for me, not caring if it was what I should be eating. And more times than not, I ate the wrong things – and did damage to my heart, and my health in general. When I spend the time to pack my lunch and snacks – I know exactly what I am going to eat. There are no surprises – there are no “Oops, I don’t have anything to eat” moments, and I get the nutrition I need in the form I can eat it. I don’t rely on vending machines – or restaurants. Let’s face it – the “bottom line” in either of those is my MONEY, not my HEALTH. They don’t really care what they sell me, as long as they make money – and healthy food generally doesn’t make as much money as inexpensive fillers.
Having a plan is good. Sticking to it is even better. And seeing the progress makes it all worthwhile!
Isn’t it funny that for all the plans I make (I’m a GREAT little list maker!), it has taken me a lifetime to start making plans about my health and about food? I spent a long time talking about it. I spent even longer thinking about it. But it stopped there. I didn’t DO anything about it. More times than not – I just “grabbed something” to eat, not really caring if it was good for me, not caring if it was what I should be eating. And more times than not, I ate the wrong things – and did damage to my heart, and my health in general. When I spend the time to pack my lunch and snacks – I know exactly what I am going to eat. There are no surprises – there are no “Oops, I don’t have anything to eat” moments, and I get the nutrition I need in the form I can eat it. I don’t rely on vending machines – or restaurants. Let’s face it – the “bottom line” in either of those is my MONEY, not my HEALTH. They don’t really care what they sell me, as long as they make money – and healthy food generally doesn’t make as much money as inexpensive fillers.
Having a plan is good. Sticking to it is even better. And seeing the progress makes it all worthwhile!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Update on Mom
My Mom is in a LOT of pain. She will see the orthopedic doctor this afternoon. Her arm is broken just below the ball of her shoulder. The swelling was so bad on Friday that they were unable to do anything but give her pain medication and send her home in a sling. They are hoping that the swelling will be down enough today to determine if they need to cast the arm – or to do surgery. I will keep everyone updated as I know more.
Last week I talked about making poor choices, and the consequences. I’m happy to report that my weight is headed in the right direction, and that I’m very nearly where I was before making the poor choices. It is interesting to note that it comes off a lot harder and a lot slower than it goes on. But this is an important lesson – one I would do well to remember. Perhaps the next time I have that kind of choice in front of me – I will remember how I felt after I made the wrong choice. I will think about how hard I have worked up until now, and how easy it was to lose ground. And I will especially think about how frustrating it was for me to lose again the couple of pounds I have already lost, and gained back.
Last week I talked about making poor choices, and the consequences. I’m happy to report that my weight is headed in the right direction, and that I’m very nearly where I was before making the poor choices. It is interesting to note that it comes off a lot harder and a lot slower than it goes on. But this is an important lesson – one I would do well to remember. Perhaps the next time I have that kind of choice in front of me – I will remember how I felt after I made the wrong choice. I will think about how hard I have worked up until now, and how easy it was to lose ground. And I will especially think about how frustrating it was for me to lose again the couple of pounds I have already lost, and gained back.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Pushing Too Hard
Sometimes, I push too hard. There are so many things that I want to do – and sometimes it feels like I’m running out of time to do them all. My body will only take so much, and then, it decides that if I’m not going to take care of it myself – it will force the issue. Yesterday was one of those days – the fatigue went all the way to my bones – I could hardly hold my head up. So I stayed home from work – slept until nearly 11:00, and did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. Today, I feel better, still tired, but nothing like I felt yesterday. And I’m looking hard at my schedule – deciding that there are just some things I am going to have to back away from – in order to not let this happen again.
Right now – I’m worried. My Mom fell this morning – and hurt her shoulder bad enough that Dad has taken her to the emergency room. I don’t know how badly she is hurt – or what they will be doing to/for her. But I DO know that eating isn’t going to make her, or me, feel any better. So, I’m just putting her into God’s hands, and asking all my friends to pray.
Right now – I’m worried. My Mom fell this morning – and hurt her shoulder bad enough that Dad has taken her to the emergency room. I don’t know how badly she is hurt – or what they will be doing to/for her. But I DO know that eating isn’t going to make her, or me, feel any better. So, I’m just putting her into God’s hands, and asking all my friends to pray.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A Rainy Morning
Is there anything better than turning off the alarm and burrowing under the covers to sleep in on a rainy morning? Sleeping in seems so much better than battling Atlanta traffic – especially in the rain. (I do not understand how a little water falling from the sky can turn ordinary drivers into LUNATICS! And if that precipitation happens to be white and fluffy – it’s even worse!) BUT WAIT – I have a REAL job – one I’m very thankful for – one that doesn’t see “sleeping in on a rainy morning” as a valid excuse for missing work. So this morning, reluctantly, I got out of bed and began my morning routine.
I’m happy to report that I made better choices yesterday than I did on Monday. My weight is headed back down. Nothing drastic, but pointed in the right direction – which is so much better than being pointed in the wrong direction!
Doing the things I SHOULD do isn’t always what I want to do. This morning, I would much rather have stayed in bed, sleeping as long as I like, getting up when I felt like it. But I appreciate that I have a job – and so I get up, get ready, and get to work.
This week, I’m tired of making good choices about what I eat. And when I see that stretching out for the rest of my life, because I know that I will ALWAYS have to be diligent and watchful – it can be overwhelming. But I appreciate the chance to take this journey – and I know that ultimately – it is the right thing to do, and I will feel better because I have.
I’m happy to report that I made better choices yesterday than I did on Monday. My weight is headed back down. Nothing drastic, but pointed in the right direction – which is so much better than being pointed in the wrong direction!
Doing the things I SHOULD do isn’t always what I want to do. This morning, I would much rather have stayed in bed, sleeping as long as I like, getting up when I felt like it. But I appreciate that I have a job – and so I get up, get ready, and get to work.
This week, I’m tired of making good choices about what I eat. And when I see that stretching out for the rest of my life, because I know that I will ALWAYS have to be diligent and watchful – it can be overwhelming. But I appreciate the chance to take this journey – and I know that ultimately – it is the right thing to do, and I will feel better because I have.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Suffering Consequences
There are many people who think that the Weight Loss Surgery is my own personal magic wand – and the weight melts off with ease, and I don’t have to do anything else. The truth is I have to think about every single bite I put into my mouth. I have to choose to eat the right things, in the right quantities, for the right reasons. Most days, this happens. Yesterday it didn’t.
Before anyone panics (including me) – let me remind myself (and everyone else) that I am still committed to this journey. I’m not giving up – I’m not way off track. But yesterday, I made poor choices. I voted last night after work – so we were rushing around trying to get something to eat before heading off to a practice. We chose to eat subs, thinking that we wouldn’t have time to cook anything. Even when I eat a sub, I can make good choices – turkey, roast beef, chicken – eat just the meat/protein parts of the sandwich. But I didn’t. I had the Italian meats – all of which have very high sodium. I only had the smallest size, but I chose to eat all of it, including the bread. Another bad choice. Then, last night after rehearsal, I had some crackers and dip. These are things I am certainly allowed to have, but again, more sodium than I needed. The result? My weight is up a few ounces this morning. I don’t feel very well today – nothing major, but it is a direct consequence for my actions and choices yesterday. And it’s frustrating.
Fortunately, no long term damage has been done. I know what I need to do to get back on track. I am more determined than ever to make good choices for me. There are those who might argue that going off the path occasionally can even be a good thing – so that it doesn’t feel quite so much like a burden to eat what I know I should eat. While there might be a little merit in that thought – I know that I feel better when I make the right choices. I have more energy – I’m not kicking myself. One would think that all of the good that comes from choosing what I should versus all the bad that comes from not making good choices, it would be EASY to ALWAYS make the right choice. Obviously, I can’t say that.
I debated about blogging about this today – but when I began this journey, I made a promise to myself that I would be as open and honest about everything as I can be. And sometimes, that includes those things that I’m not proud of, even though it would be easier. But I spent many, many decades not being honest with myself about my food issues, and I paid dearly for that. So, I’m putting it out there, and asking that you keep praying for me.
Before anyone panics (including me) – let me remind myself (and everyone else) that I am still committed to this journey. I’m not giving up – I’m not way off track. But yesterday, I made poor choices. I voted last night after work – so we were rushing around trying to get something to eat before heading off to a practice. We chose to eat subs, thinking that we wouldn’t have time to cook anything. Even when I eat a sub, I can make good choices – turkey, roast beef, chicken – eat just the meat/protein parts of the sandwich. But I didn’t. I had the Italian meats – all of which have very high sodium. I only had the smallest size, but I chose to eat all of it, including the bread. Another bad choice. Then, last night after rehearsal, I had some crackers and dip. These are things I am certainly allowed to have, but again, more sodium than I needed. The result? My weight is up a few ounces this morning. I don’t feel very well today – nothing major, but it is a direct consequence for my actions and choices yesterday. And it’s frustrating.
Fortunately, no long term damage has been done. I know what I need to do to get back on track. I am more determined than ever to make good choices for me. There are those who might argue that going off the path occasionally can even be a good thing – so that it doesn’t feel quite so much like a burden to eat what I know I should eat. While there might be a little merit in that thought – I know that I feel better when I make the right choices. I have more energy – I’m not kicking myself. One would think that all of the good that comes from choosing what I should versus all the bad that comes from not making good choices, it would be EASY to ALWAYS make the right choice. Obviously, I can’t say that.
I debated about blogging about this today – but when I began this journey, I made a promise to myself that I would be as open and honest about everything as I can be. And sometimes, that includes those things that I’m not proud of, even though it would be easier. But I spent many, many decades not being honest with myself about my food issues, and I paid dearly for that. So, I’m putting it out there, and asking that you keep praying for me.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Eye of the Beholder
“We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don’t care for.” -- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
When I was in third or fourth grade, I went to a sleepover at a friend’s house. Her mother let us watch something that we never got to watch at my house, “The Twilight Zone.” This was a forbidden treat to me. The episode was called, “The Eye of the Beholder.” A woman has obviously had plastic surgery, and her face is completely bandaged. The doctor tells her that he is not sure that the surgery has been a success. The woman says, “I never asked to be beautiful, I just want to look like my people.” Then she assures him she is ready to take off the bandages. The face that is revealed is absolutely beautiful – but the doctor apologizes. She begs him to let her see herself in a mirror – and when he finally reluctantly agrees, she screams. And THEN you see the faces of the doctors and nurses in the room – all of whom have pig faces. She runs screaming through the hospital – confronted with these people at every turn – and ashamed of her face – the one that is so UGLY. As you can see, that episode made a HUGE impact on me.
Yesterday, at church, my personal nemesis came up to me. Normally, I brace myself when she comes near. I KNOW I am not going to like whatever she says – and I just do my absolute best to be pleasant and endure. Yesterday, she said, “You look beautiful NOW.” I don’t want to be affected by her; I try not to be affected by her, but OUCH! I don’t know if I flinched physically, but my soul flinched big time. Thankfully, a dear friend standing next to me bristled, and quicker than a grizzly mama defending her young, replied, “She has ALWAYS been beautiful.” (As a side note, if K EVER comes back as a grizzly mama, I absolutely will NOT be messing with her cubs!)
Upon reflection, I know that this woman and K were talking about different things entirely. I have no illusions – I will never win a beauty pageant. (I will never ENTER a beauty pageant – so it’s a sure bet I won’t win.) I don’t even want to win a beauty pageant. I understand that this woman has a totally different world view than I have or the people who matter to me have – and that is her choice. I get that there are circumstances in her life that have brought her to this place, and that the filter most people have in place that keeps them from saying hurtful things just doesn’t quite work the same way for her. I can only pray that God keeps His hand over my mouth, so that I never respond in kind.
When I was in third or fourth grade, I went to a sleepover at a friend’s house. Her mother let us watch something that we never got to watch at my house, “The Twilight Zone.” This was a forbidden treat to me. The episode was called, “The Eye of the Beholder.” A woman has obviously had plastic surgery, and her face is completely bandaged. The doctor tells her that he is not sure that the surgery has been a success. The woman says, “I never asked to be beautiful, I just want to look like my people.” Then she assures him she is ready to take off the bandages. The face that is revealed is absolutely beautiful – but the doctor apologizes. She begs him to let her see herself in a mirror – and when he finally reluctantly agrees, she screams. And THEN you see the faces of the doctors and nurses in the room – all of whom have pig faces. She runs screaming through the hospital – confronted with these people at every turn – and ashamed of her face – the one that is so UGLY. As you can see, that episode made a HUGE impact on me.
Yesterday, at church, my personal nemesis came up to me. Normally, I brace myself when she comes near. I KNOW I am not going to like whatever she says – and I just do my absolute best to be pleasant and endure. Yesterday, she said, “You look beautiful NOW.” I don’t want to be affected by her; I try not to be affected by her, but OUCH! I don’t know if I flinched physically, but my soul flinched big time. Thankfully, a dear friend standing next to me bristled, and quicker than a grizzly mama defending her young, replied, “She has ALWAYS been beautiful.” (As a side note, if K EVER comes back as a grizzly mama, I absolutely will NOT be messing with her cubs!)
Upon reflection, I know that this woman and K were talking about different things entirely. I have no illusions – I will never win a beauty pageant. (I will never ENTER a beauty pageant – so it’s a sure bet I won’t win.) I don’t even want to win a beauty pageant. I understand that this woman has a totally different world view than I have or the people who matter to me have – and that is her choice. I get that there are circumstances in her life that have brought her to this place, and that the filter most people have in place that keeps them from saying hurtful things just doesn’t quite work the same way for her. I can only pray that God keeps His hand over my mouth, so that I never respond in kind.
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Serenity Prayer - Part 3
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
“The wisdom to know the difference…” Once again, I think that “wisdom” is a word meant for people far different from myself. I am intelligent – I have a lot of knowledge (much of it useless trivia). But “wise”? I don’t think so.
But then again, isn’t that the whole point of this prayer? I don’t have serenity, or courage, or wisdom – so I am asking God to give those things to me. My experience, though, is that God doesn’t give me a pill or potion to take that gives me instant peace, or courage, or wisdom. He puts me in situations where I get to practice those things. If I pray for peace, I often find myself in the least peaceful circumstances; if I pray for courage, I find myself in situations where I am afraid; and if I prayer for wisdom, my ignorance is surely going to show. I have learned to be cautious in what I pray for – because I know that I will soon be tested in that area.
I am very aware of the fact that how I see myself is very often not how other people see me. Others may indeed see me possessing these attributes, at least to some extent. But no one knows the inside like I do – except God. And He knows me even better than I know myself. I humbly admit that I cannot complete this journey without His help. I know that I am sadly lacking in all of these areas, but I am asking Him to help. And I have every confidence that He will.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
“The wisdom to know the difference…” Once again, I think that “wisdom” is a word meant for people far different from myself. I am intelligent – I have a lot of knowledge (much of it useless trivia). But “wise”? I don’t think so.
But then again, isn’t that the whole point of this prayer? I don’t have serenity, or courage, or wisdom – so I am asking God to give those things to me. My experience, though, is that God doesn’t give me a pill or potion to take that gives me instant peace, or courage, or wisdom. He puts me in situations where I get to practice those things. If I pray for peace, I often find myself in the least peaceful circumstances; if I pray for courage, I find myself in situations where I am afraid; and if I prayer for wisdom, my ignorance is surely going to show. I have learned to be cautious in what I pray for – because I know that I will soon be tested in that area.
I am very aware of the fact that how I see myself is very often not how other people see me. Others may indeed see me possessing these attributes, at least to some extent. But no one knows the inside like I do – except God. And He knows me even better than I know myself. I humbly admit that I cannot complete this journey without His help. I know that I am sadly lacking in all of these areas, but I am asking Him to help. And I have every confidence that He will.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Serenity Prayer - Part 2
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
When I think of courage – I think of David facing Goliath – or a soldier fighting for what he believes in – or someone who has overcome tremendous odds to become an inspiration to the world. I am always very surprised at the number of times people have used the words “courageous” or “brave” to describe me, and/or the journey I am on now.
Yet in a very real sense, I suppose there is courage involved. I am battling my food demons. They aren’t what most people think of when they think of war – but they have kept me enslaved for decades. They have robbed me of joy – of peace – of health – of relationships. They have chained me to lies. They have controlled every aspect of my life for all of my adult life. And bit by bit, I am winning. Every time I make a good choice about food – I am breaking a link in the chain. Every time I exercise, even when I don’t really want to, I am rising triumphant. Every pound I lose, I am saying, “This is MY life. You can’t control it anymore!”
It also takes courage to expose my deepest thoughts and feelings about this journey. As time passes, I am more and more convinced that keeping it secret for so many years was the worst thing I could have done – yet I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it before. I couldn’t find the words to express the shame I carried with me all the time. I couldn’t face the humiliation of admitting I had a serious problem and asking for help. I couldn’t find a way out of the deep, dark hole I was in, and couldn’t see that there were people who would have helped if they had only known what to do.
I may never fight an enemy in a war, or face Goliath with nothing more than a slingshot and few small stones (and, of course, GOD!) But I am facing my demons, even though there have been many days that I am afraid. John Wayne once said, “Courage is being scared to death – but saddling up anyway.” I am doing what I have to do – even with the fear. And I guess, ultimately, that is the definition of courage.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
When I think of courage – I think of David facing Goliath – or a soldier fighting for what he believes in – or someone who has overcome tremendous odds to become an inspiration to the world. I am always very surprised at the number of times people have used the words “courageous” or “brave” to describe me, and/or the journey I am on now.
Yet in a very real sense, I suppose there is courage involved. I am battling my food demons. They aren’t what most people think of when they think of war – but they have kept me enslaved for decades. They have robbed me of joy – of peace – of health – of relationships. They have chained me to lies. They have controlled every aspect of my life for all of my adult life. And bit by bit, I am winning. Every time I make a good choice about food – I am breaking a link in the chain. Every time I exercise, even when I don’t really want to, I am rising triumphant. Every pound I lose, I am saying, “This is MY life. You can’t control it anymore!”
It also takes courage to expose my deepest thoughts and feelings about this journey. As time passes, I am more and more convinced that keeping it secret for so many years was the worst thing I could have done – yet I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it before. I couldn’t find the words to express the shame I carried with me all the time. I couldn’t face the humiliation of admitting I had a serious problem and asking for help. I couldn’t find a way out of the deep, dark hole I was in, and couldn’t see that there were people who would have helped if they had only known what to do.
I may never fight an enemy in a war, or face Goliath with nothing more than a slingshot and few small stones (and, of course, GOD!) But I am facing my demons, even though there have been many days that I am afraid. John Wayne once said, “Courage is being scared to death – but saddling up anyway.” I am doing what I have to do – even with the fear. And I guess, ultimately, that is the definition of courage.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Serenity Prayer - Part 1
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
The first part of this is a prayer that is often used in the 12 Step Program – and very appropriate in my life.
If I asked 100 friends and acquaintances to describe me, I doubt that any of them would use words like “serene,” or “quiet,” or “calm.” That is really not my personality. People MIGHT say things like “animated,” or “dramatic,” or even “agitated.” But I don’t think this prayer is really referring to personality. I believe it is referring more to the understanding and acceptance that there really and truly are just some things in life that I cannot change.
Unfortunately, I do not very often have the serenity to accept those things, either. I want to change the world – to fit what I think it should be. And when my corner of the world doesn’t fit my picture, I get stressed. What a waste of energy! If I spent as much energy and time changing the things in my life that I CAN control as I spend worrying about and trying to change the things I CANNOT control, then my life would certainly be in a different place right now.
Picture a lake on a night where there is no breeze. A full moon is reflecting in the water. Maybe there is a cricket chirping, or a bullfrog singing, but otherwise, no noise whatsoever. I can feel the peace and tranquility all the way to the depth of my soul.
Sometimes, I need to stop, take a deep breath, and feel that peace. I can’t change traffic in Atlanta, so instead of getting upset when there is an accident that makes me late, I should picture my moonlit lake. I can’t change the way other people act around me, but I can take a deep breath and let it go. One of my goals is to find that serenity at every opportunity.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
The first part of this is a prayer that is often used in the 12 Step Program – and very appropriate in my life.
If I asked 100 friends and acquaintances to describe me, I doubt that any of them would use words like “serene,” or “quiet,” or “calm.” That is really not my personality. People MIGHT say things like “animated,” or “dramatic,” or even “agitated.” But I don’t think this prayer is really referring to personality. I believe it is referring more to the understanding and acceptance that there really and truly are just some things in life that I cannot change.
Unfortunately, I do not very often have the serenity to accept those things, either. I want to change the world – to fit what I think it should be. And when my corner of the world doesn’t fit my picture, I get stressed. What a waste of energy! If I spent as much energy and time changing the things in my life that I CAN control as I spend worrying about and trying to change the things I CANNOT control, then my life would certainly be in a different place right now.
Picture a lake on a night where there is no breeze. A full moon is reflecting in the water. Maybe there is a cricket chirping, or a bullfrog singing, but otherwise, no noise whatsoever. I can feel the peace and tranquility all the way to the depth of my soul.
Sometimes, I need to stop, take a deep breath, and feel that peace. I can’t change traffic in Atlanta, so instead of getting upset when there is an accident that makes me late, I should picture my moonlit lake. I can’t change the way other people act around me, but I can take a deep breath and let it go. One of my goals is to find that serenity at every opportunity.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Thinking About Thanksgiving
Yesterday was Thanksgiving in Canada. Although it is a holiday, they have not made it the huge food and family day that it is here. A friend asked me yesterday which one we celebrate. I laughingly replied, “Whichever one has the best food.” Ironically, we will not celebrate EITHER one this year. We were here in the U.S. for Canadian Thanksgiving, and we will be in Canada for the U.S. Thanksgiving.
I have to be honest, for the most part, the traditional food at Thanksgiving does not do too much for me. Turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie, and cranberry sauce, I will eat – but if I don’t have any of those, I’m good. Don’t get me wrong – I have always eaten a LOT at that meal – mountains of mashed potatoes, a pile of Dad’s Waldorf salad, green bean casserole, and rolls with butter dripping off of them. It seems like we could eat for hours with the food at my house.
Just for fun, I closed my eyes and imagined what I would put on my plate, if I were going to be here for Thanksgiving this year. I would eat a little turkey – because I need the protein. I would have a tiny bit of the Waldorf salad – just because it tastes so very good. Hmmm – that’s about it. And I’m perfectly OK with that.
I realized today, that I have lost 60% of the weight I want to lose. OK, technically, it’s 59.64%, but that’s pretty close to 60%, so I’m rounding up. That is SO COOL!
I have to be honest, for the most part, the traditional food at Thanksgiving does not do too much for me. Turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie, and cranberry sauce, I will eat – but if I don’t have any of those, I’m good. Don’t get me wrong – I have always eaten a LOT at that meal – mountains of mashed potatoes, a pile of Dad’s Waldorf salad, green bean casserole, and rolls with butter dripping off of them. It seems like we could eat for hours with the food at my house.
Just for fun, I closed my eyes and imagined what I would put on my plate, if I were going to be here for Thanksgiving this year. I would eat a little turkey – because I need the protein. I would have a tiny bit of the Waldorf salad – just because it tastes so very good. Hmmm – that’s about it. And I’m perfectly OK with that.
I realized today, that I have lost 60% of the weight I want to lose. OK, technically, it’s 59.64%, but that’s pretty close to 60%, so I’m rounding up. That is SO COOL!
Monday, October 11, 2010
A Good Weekend
You know that it is has been a good weekend when I weigh less on Monday morning than I did on Friday morning. I have lost 164 pounds total, and 104.2 pounds since surgery.
We went to the Georgia National Fair in Perry, GA on Saturday. I LOVE the fair – there is so much to see and do – and SO MUCH TO EAT! Funnel Cakes – greasy pizza – cinnamon pecans and cashews – sausage – turkey legs – cotton candy – those are the staples, and then there are some very weird things, too – deep fried snickers bar, anyone? The smells attack from all sides – tempting and beckoning. But I did well – I had a little pulled pork when it was time to eat lunch. And a friend bought some of the cinnamon roasted nuts, and I had a few of those. But I walked past all of the other things.
I did have one really bad moment – there was a couple, both of whom were very large – she had to walk with crutches, and he was also having difficulty. It looked like he might have had cellulitis. It made my heart hurt as I watched them slowly make their way around. If other people looked at them, it was easy to read the disgust or sometimes pity on the onlooker’s faces. I felt their pain as if it were my own – because it has been my own.
But we had a great time with friends, we did a lot of walking – it was beautiful weather, although a little too warm.
We went to the Georgia National Fair in Perry, GA on Saturday. I LOVE the fair – there is so much to see and do – and SO MUCH TO EAT! Funnel Cakes – greasy pizza – cinnamon pecans and cashews – sausage – turkey legs – cotton candy – those are the staples, and then there are some very weird things, too – deep fried snickers bar, anyone? The smells attack from all sides – tempting and beckoning. But I did well – I had a little pulled pork when it was time to eat lunch. And a friend bought some of the cinnamon roasted nuts, and I had a few of those. But I walked past all of the other things.
I did have one really bad moment – there was a couple, both of whom were very large – she had to walk with crutches, and he was also having difficulty. It looked like he might have had cellulitis. It made my heart hurt as I watched them slowly make their way around. If other people looked at them, it was easy to read the disgust or sometimes pity on the onlooker’s faces. I felt their pain as if it were my own – because it has been my own.
But we had a great time with friends, we did a lot of walking – it was beautiful weather, although a little too warm.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Sporting a New Do
I got my hair cut last night. I have to confess – I HATE getting my hair cut. Start with the fact that I’m horrible when it comes to doing anything with my hair. Some people can spend the time and effort to make their hair look beautiful. I can only say that I’m ENVIOUS of anyone who can do that. So once I get into the chair at the salon, I start with the premise that it has to be EASY, meaning, “fluff and go.” Anything more complicated than that, and it just isn’t going to happen. So, first I have to convince the stylist that I really and truly am NOT going to blow my hair dry, or curl it, or any one of the hundreds of other torture things people do. (I know they don’t believe me when I say I don’t even own a blow dryer, but it’s true!)
Second, I have to convince them that, yes, I really do want it short. Yes, I do understand that once we cut it off, we can’t put it back. Yes, I will be happy with it, as long as I don’t have to do anything to it. And finally, I have to face all the questions about color. I know that I have a LOT of gray/white. I know that a lot of people my age color their hair. I know that it would make me look younger. But thank you, no, I’m happy with it the way it is. I worked hard for each and every one of those gray hairs. I have named most of them. And I don’t want to color it.
But every once in a while, I find someone who actually listens to me – who pays attention and who does what I want. (Just as a side note – it is MY hair, and MY money – shouldn’t I ALWAYS get what I want???) And that is what happened last night. It is a little funky – a little sassy – VERY EASY – and I love it! And so far, everyone who has seen it likes it, too.
When I get a new hairstyle that I like – I just feel better about myself. It doesn’t drastically change my life – or my circumstances. It doesn’t make all my problems go away. But it does give me a little boost of confidence, maybe a little spring in my step. The same is true about the changes I am making in my choices for food and health. I DO feel better about myself. I do enjoy life more, in general. Maybe I’m also sporting a new attitude.
Second, I have to convince them that, yes, I really do want it short. Yes, I do understand that once we cut it off, we can’t put it back. Yes, I will be happy with it, as long as I don’t have to do anything to it. And finally, I have to face all the questions about color. I know that I have a LOT of gray/white. I know that a lot of people my age color their hair. I know that it would make me look younger. But thank you, no, I’m happy with it the way it is. I worked hard for each and every one of those gray hairs. I have named most of them. And I don’t want to color it.
But every once in a while, I find someone who actually listens to me – who pays attention and who does what I want. (Just as a side note – it is MY hair, and MY money – shouldn’t I ALWAYS get what I want???) And that is what happened last night. It is a little funky – a little sassy – VERY EASY – and I love it! And so far, everyone who has seen it likes it, too.
When I get a new hairstyle that I like – I just feel better about myself. It doesn’t drastically change my life – or my circumstances. It doesn’t make all my problems go away. But it does give me a little boost of confidence, maybe a little spring in my step. The same is true about the changes I am making in my choices for food and health. I DO feel better about myself. I do enjoy life more, in general. Maybe I’m also sporting a new attitude.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
So Very Grateful
I just wanted to take today to say a long overdue “Thank You” to the people who are taking this journey with me. There is no particular order, and I’m very certain that I will miss someone. I apologize in advance.
To my Mom and Dad – who have supported this decision whole-heartedly. I know how much they have worried over my health, and I know that this has not been easy for them. But they have re-examined their own thoughts about food and portions in order to help me on this journey. And in the process they have both lost weight. I’m so proud of them.
To Dave – my husband – who has not only been there with every turn and bump in the road, but has uncomplainingly accepted the financial sacrifices we have had to make in order for this to happen. And who wisely lets me make my own choices about what, when, and how much I eat. You’re my rock!
To V – who walked this road before me – and who continues to walk it now. Your absolute success in this is one of the main reasons I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could do this. Thanks for answering my every question – for “paying it forward” – for giving me hope. Know that I love you!
To K, K, C, H, L, S, V and J – my sister-friends (much more sister than friend) – who have listened through all of the good times and bad times on this journey. Who always ask – who always show excitement for me – who are ALWAYS there for me. It is about you that Proverbs 18:24 was written – “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
To the dear people of FCCJ – who see my progress as their own – who never fail to encourage me, with words, with hugs, with help making and taking in clothes, and occasionally with “just because” gifts to celebrate. Even those days when I’m a little discouraged, you never fail to lift me up! Individually and corporately, you have all been there for me, and if possible, I love you more now than I did before.
To my Mom and Dad – who have supported this decision whole-heartedly. I know how much they have worried over my health, and I know that this has not been easy for them. But they have re-examined their own thoughts about food and portions in order to help me on this journey. And in the process they have both lost weight. I’m so proud of them.
To Dave – my husband – who has not only been there with every turn and bump in the road, but has uncomplainingly accepted the financial sacrifices we have had to make in order for this to happen. And who wisely lets me make my own choices about what, when, and how much I eat. You’re my rock!
To V – who walked this road before me – and who continues to walk it now. Your absolute success in this is one of the main reasons I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could do this. Thanks for answering my every question – for “paying it forward” – for giving me hope. Know that I love you!
To K, K, C, H, L, S, V and J – my sister-friends (much more sister than friend) – who have listened through all of the good times and bad times on this journey. Who always ask – who always show excitement for me – who are ALWAYS there for me. It is about you that Proverbs 18:24 was written – “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
To the dear people of FCCJ – who see my progress as their own – who never fail to encourage me, with words, with hugs, with help making and taking in clothes, and occasionally with “just because” gifts to celebrate. Even those days when I’m a little discouraged, you never fail to lift me up! Individually and corporately, you have all been there for me, and if possible, I love you more now than I did before.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Very Interesting
It is COOL when people who see me every day/week get excited about my weight loss. It is REALLY COOL when people who don’t see me very often are surprised when they first see me in person. But I have to tell you – it is AMAZING when people I do not even know stop me to comment about my weight loss. I work in a building with 18 floors. It is inevitable that I will see some people in the elevator or walking the halls – even though I don’t “KNOW” them. Yesterday, waiting on the elevator in the parking garage, I had five ladies stop me to ask what I was doing, because they were noticing the weight loss. People are watching, apparently even strangers in the building where I work.
This morning, I tried something that I haven’t tried in a long, long time. When I stepped out of the shower, I wrapped the towel around me. My husband and I always use the bath sheets – much larger than a regular towel. Even still – if I tried to wrap it around me, I would have a triangle of skin that just absolutely did not get covered. On TV or in the movies – the actress would be quite properly covered when she wrapped in a towel, and I was always a little envious (OK, OK – a LOT envious!) But this morning, not only did it wrap all the way around, but it also overlapped a good bit, so I was perfectly modest – perhaps not movie quality yet, but so much further than I have been. “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.” LOL!
32 Weeks out – I’m down 163 pounds total, and 103.2 pounds since surgery.
Celebrating this Wednesday! Loving my cheerleaders!
This morning, I tried something that I haven’t tried in a long, long time. When I stepped out of the shower, I wrapped the towel around me. My husband and I always use the bath sheets – much larger than a regular towel. Even still – if I tried to wrap it around me, I would have a triangle of skin that just absolutely did not get covered. On TV or in the movies – the actress would be quite properly covered when she wrapped in a towel, and I was always a little envious (OK, OK – a LOT envious!) But this morning, not only did it wrap all the way around, but it also overlapped a good bit, so I was perfectly modest – perhaps not movie quality yet, but so much further than I have been. “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.” LOL!
32 Weeks out – I’m down 163 pounds total, and 103.2 pounds since surgery.
Celebrating this Wednesday! Loving my cheerleaders!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Waning Moon
On the way to work this morning – I noticed the waning crescent moon. It wasn’t just the crescent – you could also see the shape of the full moon. It was a beautiful picture. The thing I first noticed was how bright the crescent was – but it was so cool to see the crescent as part of the whole.
It occurred to me that this is a perfect illustration for me on several levels. First of all, the weight loss is truly just part of the whole picture for me. I have said before that I love the attention I have been getting – I’m glad that people think I look good. But that is not why I started this journey. For me, that is just a small part of the picture. Granted, it is the part that is most visible – and very obviously the part that most people comment on. But the biggest reason for this journey is to improve my health – and that is happening.
Second, the moon this morning made me think of the difficulties in seeing my body as it is RIGHT NOW. When I look in the mirror, I still see the old picture. Despite all of the changes, I’m still the fat girl. Someone suggested that I blow up a picture of the old me to life size, then cut around that picture, and cut two inches to the inside, creating a two inch border (remember, this is life size.) Then I should tape this to a full length mirror, and stand in front of it, and see where I am NOW. OK – that’s pretty complicated, but I do see the point. The only thing I have to compare to is the picture in my head, and that picture is no longer accurate. It does give me something to think about, though.
Finally, even though the moon is constantly changing its phase and its position, it has been with us since very nearly the beginning of time.
“God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.” (Genesis 1:16-19, NIV)
This struggle with my weight has been part of my life ever since I can remember, and that isn’t going to change. I AM making better choices now, and my PLAN is to continue that into the future. But I will still have to make the choices. I will still have to decide what I will and will not eat. I will still have to read labels, and know what my nutrition needs are.
As a child, my Mom taught me this little poem: “I see the Moon, the Moon sees me. God bless the Moon, and God bless me.” God has blessed me abundantly and richly. Through this journey, one of my greatest blessings is the friends and family who have been such a support! A GREAT BIG THANKS to all of you!!!
(As a side note – I weighed this morning exactly what my husband does. I’ll take it!)
It occurred to me that this is a perfect illustration for me on several levels. First of all, the weight loss is truly just part of the whole picture for me. I have said before that I love the attention I have been getting – I’m glad that people think I look good. But that is not why I started this journey. For me, that is just a small part of the picture. Granted, it is the part that is most visible – and very obviously the part that most people comment on. But the biggest reason for this journey is to improve my health – and that is happening.
Second, the moon this morning made me think of the difficulties in seeing my body as it is RIGHT NOW. When I look in the mirror, I still see the old picture. Despite all of the changes, I’m still the fat girl. Someone suggested that I blow up a picture of the old me to life size, then cut around that picture, and cut two inches to the inside, creating a two inch border (remember, this is life size.) Then I should tape this to a full length mirror, and stand in front of it, and see where I am NOW. OK – that’s pretty complicated, but I do see the point. The only thing I have to compare to is the picture in my head, and that picture is no longer accurate. It does give me something to think about, though.
Finally, even though the moon is constantly changing its phase and its position, it has been with us since very nearly the beginning of time.
“God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.” (Genesis 1:16-19, NIV)
This struggle with my weight has been part of my life ever since I can remember, and that isn’t going to change. I AM making better choices now, and my PLAN is to continue that into the future. But I will still have to make the choices. I will still have to decide what I will and will not eat. I will still have to read labels, and know what my nutrition needs are.
As a child, my Mom taught me this little poem: “I see the Moon, the Moon sees me. God bless the Moon, and God bless me.” God has blessed me abundantly and richly. Through this journey, one of my greatest blessings is the friends and family who have been such a support! A GREAT BIG THANKS to all of you!!!
(As a side note – I weighed this morning exactly what my husband does. I’ll take it!)
Monday, October 4, 2010
What A Weekend...
We got to spend a wonderful time Friday night with my family - my Mom fixed a belated birthday dinner for my husband. My sister and her family were there, and it was just a good time. I had a two hour massage on Saturday. We spent time with good friends on Saturday evening. And, of course, Sunday is always a good time.
And I became aware of a new goal. I hadn't even really thought about how much it meant to me - until this morning, when I thought it was going to happen, and it didn't. I am within ounces of weighing less than my husband.
Please understand - this isn't about the numbers - not at all. When I look at my husband, I see eyes so blue they take my breath away. I see a man who loves to laugh – and make me laugh. I hear a voice that could make the angels weep. My heart melts when he walks into a room. I have never cared what he weighed – and honestly, I don’t give it much thought. So the other day, when he mentioned his weight, and I realized how close I was to his weight, I was really surprised. In the entire time that we have been together as adults, I have weighed more than he does – sometimes, considerably more.
It isn’t the numbers, but it IS the principal. He is several inches taller than I am. He is broader through the shoulders and chest. By every measure, he SHOULD weigh more than I do. And I cannot begin to describe the absolute mortification, the horrible shame that I have felt because I was the heavy weight in this relationship.
I have been blessed with someone who doesn’t pay attention to the numbers, either. He has loved me at my biggest. He has loved me through illness – many of them severe. He has loved me through this journey. And he will love me when I reach my goal weight – and things are sagging and hanging. But I am SO looking forward to the day, when I can say that I weigh less than he does. It could happen any day now.
And I became aware of a new goal. I hadn't even really thought about how much it meant to me - until this morning, when I thought it was going to happen, and it didn't. I am within ounces of weighing less than my husband.
Please understand - this isn't about the numbers - not at all. When I look at my husband, I see eyes so blue they take my breath away. I see a man who loves to laugh – and make me laugh. I hear a voice that could make the angels weep. My heart melts when he walks into a room. I have never cared what he weighed – and honestly, I don’t give it much thought. So the other day, when he mentioned his weight, and I realized how close I was to his weight, I was really surprised. In the entire time that we have been together as adults, I have weighed more than he does – sometimes, considerably more.
It isn’t the numbers, but it IS the principal. He is several inches taller than I am. He is broader through the shoulders and chest. By every measure, he SHOULD weigh more than I do. And I cannot begin to describe the absolute mortification, the horrible shame that I have felt because I was the heavy weight in this relationship.
I have been blessed with someone who doesn’t pay attention to the numbers, either. He has loved me at my biggest. He has loved me through illness – many of them severe. He has loved me through this journey. And he will love me when I reach my goal weight – and things are sagging and hanging. But I am SO looking forward to the day, when I can say that I weigh less than he does. It could happen any day now.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Have You Ever Wondered...
I have been busy working on the drama for our Christmas musical. I often write the drama, and this year is no exception. I am focusing a lot on Mary this year, and I wonder if she really knew everything she was agreeing to when she said to the angel, “I am the Lord’s servant.”
Did she know that the man to whom she was promised would not believe her story, and would try to divorce her quietly? Did she understand that being pregnant outside of marriage could result in being stoned? Did she know she would give birth far away from family and friends, in circumstances that were far from comfortable? And later, could she possibly understand the pain of watching her Son, this Man that she KNEW was the Son of God, die a horrible, excruciating, shameful death on a cross? I can only believe that she did not understand every nuance of her decision – because what person, what mother, could knowingly face all of that? Yet as she took this incredible journey, God was with her each step of the way – giving her strength and grace for what she had to face at that moment, and the promise He would be there for the next moments, too.
When you think about it, there is no way anyone can fully understand everything that any decision will have. But perhaps that is best – it would be so easy to be paralyzed if we understood everything. So we do make decisions – and put our trust in the ONE PERSON who is bigger than anything in our lives – GOD!
I have felt His presence each step of my journey. I’m not there yet, but I’m making progress. And I believe that He will continue to be with me, no matter what comes along.
Did she know that the man to whom she was promised would not believe her story, and would try to divorce her quietly? Did she understand that being pregnant outside of marriage could result in being stoned? Did she know she would give birth far away from family and friends, in circumstances that were far from comfortable? And later, could she possibly understand the pain of watching her Son, this Man that she KNEW was the Son of God, die a horrible, excruciating, shameful death on a cross? I can only believe that she did not understand every nuance of her decision – because what person, what mother, could knowingly face all of that? Yet as she took this incredible journey, God was with her each step of the way – giving her strength and grace for what she had to face at that moment, and the promise He would be there for the next moments, too.
When you think about it, there is no way anyone can fully understand everything that any decision will have. But perhaps that is best – it would be so easy to be paralyzed if we understood everything. So we do make decisions – and put our trust in the ONE PERSON who is bigger than anything in our lives – GOD!
I have felt His presence each step of my journey. I’m not there yet, but I’m making progress. And I believe that He will continue to be with me, no matter what comes along.
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