5 Weeks

And here are the stats:

Since Surgery on 02/24/10 - down 39.2 pounds
Since 2 Weeks Pre-op - down 48.0 pounds
Since my biggest - down 98.6 pounds
My BMI has dropped 7.5 points, from two weeks pre-op, and a whopping 15.4 points since my biggest. That is SIGNIFICANT.

As I look at those numbers - I'm blown away. This is ACTUALLY working. I'm breaking the relationship I have had with food. Little steps at a time. Choosing not to eat something just because I'm sitting in front of the TV at night. Not having seconds, even though it tastes SO GOOD. Focusing on the taste and the texture of the food I do eat - instead of the quantity.

Seeing progress makes it easier to stick to this - to make this a life change. I set up a graph to chart my progress. And on those days when there is little or no change - I can look at the big picture - and see there has been a LOT of change - overall.

I must say - I do not always FEEL like making the right choices. But I AM committed to making those choices. And today, I am really glad that I have.

So, much to celebrate this Wednesday.

It's Tuesday

What does Tuesday mean to you? Usually, to me, it means that it's not quite halfway through the work week. It's not the weekend. It's not a celebration day. Frankly, Tuesday quite honestly gets the short stick when it comes to being something special. Nothing to get excited about.

As I look at my list of goals for this new chapter in my life - I find a lot of very tangible goals...lose 50 pounds - lose 100 pounds - be able to cross my legs (ALMOST to all three of these, in some way or another). I've decided to add another one - although it is much less measurable. I want to celebrate something every day.

Of course, celebration no longer means food for me. It may just be talking about something good or beautiful I notice that day. Or I might do a dance of joy - just for the sheer exhilaration of dancing. Or I could take a memorable picture. The point is, it doesn't matter WHAT I do - as long as I am acknowledging the celebration.

So, today - I'm celebrating Tuesday. And the beautiful full moon I saw on the way to work in the wee hours of the morning. And the friends who are reading this and cheering me on and celebrating with me. To LIFE!

A Very Busy Weekend - and Some Progress

This weekend, we had our big musical at church - two performances - Friday night, and Sunday afternoon.  Our choir sang their hearts out - praising God for the awesome gift of His Son.  And my Dave, of course, outdid himself again. 

For the last several months - I have been unable to stand through a choir song - my legs have hurt so badly, and just generally - I was weak.  So, the choice is between sitting and singing - or not being in the choir.  Friday night - I stood for three of the songs!  Granted - that was certainly NOT the whole musical.  But it is a whole lot more than I have been able to stand for in recent memory.  Sunday, I only made it standing through one song - but I still did it.

I finally have convinced myself that it is part of the pattern that I will hover for a couple of days at a certain weight, then drop, sometimes dramatically.  And the "hovering" sometimes means gaining a couple of ounces.  I'm really trying to focus on the big picture - the weight loss has been steady and dramatic - if not consistently every day.  The long term is the important thing - and the daily fluctuations are just that, normal fluctuations.  So, this weekend - I finally relaxed about it.  And guess what - I lost nearly five pounds!  I'm sure that the extra energy expended during the musical played a big part of that.  My official total since February 10 (2 weeks pre-op) is 47.4.  And from my biggest I'm down 98 POUNDS!  I am within striking distance of 100 pounds long term, and 50 pounds this year.  This week?  Maybe.  Next week - I'm reasonably certain it could happen.  I'll definitely keep you posted, and when it happens (either one), I will be doing a dance of joy!  Whoohoo!

Sunday is coming...

Easter is one of my favorite times of the year - the promise of new life and the deep spiritual meaning of Resurrection Sunday. This year, it is even more meaningful for me. 

Think about Jesus' disciples on the Friday of the crucifixion.  They had watched their HOPE die a horrible death on a cross.  Their lives were quite possibly in danger.  They had nothing.  They had walked away from everyone and everything in their lives - for a Man who who was lying in a tomb.  I can feel their agony - their grief - and their absolute and total hopelessness.

But - SUNDAY IS COMING!  In their despair, they do not know that Sunday is coming.  They do not understand the joy they will feel.  They do not see that hopelessness will become a deep and abiding faith. 

Can you imagine what they must have felt the day they saw the resurrected Jesus for the first time?  Where they were so very low - they now soared...there are no words for the heights they will reach...Jesus is ALIVE! 

This Easter season - I feel the hope anew.  Not only the hope of everything that Jesus has promised - eternal life, forgiveness of sins, peace that passes anything man can imagine - but now, for the first time in a long, long time - I feel the hope of life, and health, and contentment with who I am.

Sunday is COMING!

This Weekend

This weekend is our Easter Musical at church - and it will be busy!  I think the temptation to fall into old habits is especially strong when a person is busy or tired, and this weekend I will be both.  I am trying to plan - so that I make consistent, good choices - and don't give in to either the fatigue or the busyness. 

When people see for the first time exactly how much I eat at a meal - they are usually shocked.  The natural reaction is to worry that the person isn't getting enough.  I try to talk it out with people ahead of time, so that they are at least a little prepared.  It might still be a shock, but at least I am trying to give people an opportunity to prepare themselves. 

In reality - I don't want the people around me to change the things they are doing or would do.  My decision was not about anyone else, just me.  My choices for what I eat are about me, as well.  I worried before surgery that it would be difficult to sit and eat with friends when I could only have a tiny bit of food - but something amazing has happened!  Now - I'm sitting with friends - and it's not about the eating at all - I'm just enjoying the friendship!  I don't even think about what I am NOT eating - and I think if I'm relaxed about it - that helps others around me to relax, too.

4 Weeks Out

I'm happy to report that four weeks out from surgery, I am down 32 pounds.  (40 pounds if you count the two weeks before surgery, and 92 pounds from my heaviest.)  And, since February 10, 2010 (two weeks before surgery) - I have lost a total of 27 inches.  I have a new picture to post - I will try to get to that tonight.

Last night, I went to my first support group meeting.  I listened to a lot of people - some who were pre-surgery, and some who were post-surgery.  I was amazed at the number of post-op people who were talking about eating things like pastries and donuts and drinking pop.  I'm not talking about people who have made it to their goal - or who are two or three years out.  I'm talking about people who are just a few months out.  My heart hurts for them...

I pray every day that I don't become a "crusader" - one of those people who feels compelled to point out to everyone what they could or should be eating - how they need to get their weight under control.  (If I do, the dear friends who are reading this have my permission to shoot me!  SERIOUSLY!)  But as I listened last night, I realized that the most important changes are not happening in my body, as significant as those are right now.  The MOST important changes are happening in my head.  I haven't thought about things like donuts, or pop, or chocolate.  I have not wished I could have them.  I have not felt deprived because I don't have them. What an amazing gift and blessing that has been.

I choose everyday to look ahead - to look at the firsts that are coming...the first time I buy that pair of jeans, the first time I cross my legs (and am not self- conscious about it), the first time I see friends and family from Canada or Ohio or anywhere they don't see me regularly.  I walk taller, I care more about dressing the new body, I even have been wearing make-up! 

Realistically, I know that there may (and probably will) come a day when those things are temptations - even when I make a wrong choice for my new lifestyle and health.  But for now, I figure that the longer I keep focused on my goals - the less I dwell on the things I cannot have - the more I look to the future, the better chance I will have of resisting when that day comes.

Plateaus

In a masterpiece painting - it is the shadows and the light that come together to create beauty.  In a musical composition, there are rests and there are notes, and both are equally important.  On a journey such as mine, there are periods where every day is a steady loss, and periods of plateau.  Both are important as the body adjusts to a whole new way of life.  I'm working hard to remember that.  Towards the end of last week, I had three days where I either stayed the same or lost only 0.2 pounds.  That is a little scary - my first thought was, "What am I doing WRONG?"  I thought about my food choices - and realized I was doing exactly what I had been told to do.  The portions had not increased.  The frequency had not increased.  And even the reason for eating had not changed.  OK - then if I'm NOT doing anything wrong - this will pass. 

A dear friend who has walked this journey has said that I can call and ask her anything about what I'm going through.  She has been more valuable than I can say.  She told me that she second guessed herself for about three months, before she realized that she WAS making good choices, that she WAS doing what she was supposed to do.  Knowing that makes this a little easier. 

All that being said, at 26 days from surgery, I am down 32.4 pounds.  And from my biggest, I'm down 91.8 pounds.  How amazing is that??? 

Exercise

For many years, exercise really hasn't been an option.  With the CHF - even the slightest effort leaves me winded and wrung out.  And it takes longer to recuperate than I ever thought possible.

But I find I have more energy now.  At least it feels like more energy.  This morning, waiting for the van pool - I got out of my car and collected four shopping carts and pushed them to the cart corral!  (It was about 8 parking spaces away.)  Admittedly - I was still very winded when I was done.  But I did it!

So, starting today - I'm going to make myself take a brisk walk around my floor at work - four times a day.  No stopping to talk - no excuses. 

Some really good news - my feet and ankles have not been swelling since the surgery.  This is a wonderful thing.  Sometimes they were so swollen I could hardly walk.  Every night, my husband checks them - and NOTHING.  Not having the excess fluid is really going to be a help in the days to come.

The Old and the New

I had some fun showing friends a picture of the old me - and watching the surprise register for the new me.  I'm certainly not where I'm GOING to be, but I am a long, long way from where I was.  And it shows.

I also showed before and after pictures of a dear friend who has walked this road before me.  She is four years out from her surgery - and has been a complete success.  People can't believe that the pictures are even of the same person.  I hope that they will be able to say the same thing about me - down the road, for sure, but still...

Scheduling conflicts required my mom to reschedule my sister's birthday dinner - which is disappointing because I will not be able to attend.  But I'm looking at it as a good thing - I THINK I'm ready for a big family dinner, but what if I'm not?  This way, I'll have a little more time to mentally prepare before I face that challenge.

3 Weeks Out

Three weeks out - and I'm down 29.2 pounds!  How very, very cool is that?  Next week - I will post my one month picture.  I'm looking forward to that, as well.

Yesterday, I must confess - I was disappointed.  I gained about 1/2 a pound.  Living with congestive heart failure for the last five years, I understand that it happens.  And because of the CHF - I'm required to weigh myself every day.  But it was so frustrating to record even a small gain.  I do understand why they say not to weigh yourself every day - but heart trumps weight - so I do.  I just need to find a way to be able to say, "You haven't failed.  This is a minor and temporary setback."  And it was both minor and temporary - this morning I'm down 1.8 pounds. 

My husband has been trying to help me figure out more protein that I can eat - and last night he cooked up a hamburger, mashed it up very fine, mixed in some grated cheese.  WOW - did that ever taste good!  I'm still looking for ways to get my protein - so if anyone has any suggestions that don't involve anything with artificial sweetener - I'm open to them.

Encouragement

So many people have been an encouragement to me.  I know that I could not do this alone.  So, I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to B. who is helping me take in some pants that have been falling off of me.  You are saving me a ton of money - and you are the best!

Thank you to my boss who has been my champion through all of this.  You made it possible!

Thank you to V., K., E., J., C., and H., very dear friends who have walked every step of the journey with me - especially V. - who has walked this journey herself - and is my true inspiration.

Thank you to my husband, Dave, who has cared for me since forever.  You are my rock!

Thank you to my Mom and Dad who want this for me more than anything.  Your encouragement means everthing.

And a big thank you to everyone who has noticed the weight loss - your compliments make me smile!

Euphoria

There is a certain euphoria to seeing the rapid weight loss after surgery - a high that keeps motivating you to keep at it.  But realistically - how long will this last?  I figure as long as I'm on soft foods, it shouldn't be too bad...however, can I really do this long term?

For now, anyway, it isn't a problem.  Food holds no interest for me.  I make myself eat.  I'm really trying to eat all of the protein that I should - knowing that it is necessary to maintain muscle.  But beyond that - not even the faintest desire.  And things I once craved - especially chocolate - I cannot even think about...I NEVER thought I would say that.

Nearly everyone I see is commenting on the weight loss now.  And while the compliments are nice - really nice - I still think that most people don't get what this is all about.  I have no desire to be beautiful by society's standards...at best, that is a fleeting achievement, even if it happens.  The most important thing is feeling good - and I have to say, I see that happening.

Saturday night - I had my first social interaction with food - a wedding and reception.  It was not as difficult as I anticipated, partially because we sat with good friends - with whom I did not have to "defend" my food choices and amounts.  I was really nervous about it beforehand, and even thought about not going.  But I know that I cannot isolate myself forever, and it was a good place to begin. 

Crossing Off My First Goal...WOW!

My first goal - was to get to a weight that I could actually step on the scales in the doctor's office, and NOT have to say, "Sorry - they won't register me."  And today, amazingly - I'm there!  I feel great about crossing that goal off my list.  I cannot possibly describe the shame in being too big for the scales - nor can I come close to conveying the absolute joy I will feel the next time I'm in his office...and I step up there pretty as you please.  I DID IT!

I wore a dress and heels to church today - the first time in a long, long time.  Everyone had a comment about how good I looked - but more importantly - I felt wonderful.  My feet have not been swelling like they used to - so I was able to not only get the strappy sandals on, but wear them comfortably throughout the morning.  Whoohoo! 

A friend is going to help me take in some pants this afternoon.  These are clothes that I have worn since I was at my biggest - 85 pounds ago.  So naturally, the pants are falling off me, and there just isn't any money to replace them right now - and because I expect to continue to lose - I really don't want to spend money on something that, hopefully, will be too big shortly, anyway.  So, we'll see what we can do.

Thanks to all my friends and family for being so encouraging...I LOVE YOU!

Setting Goals

I've thought a lot about setting goals in the last few months and weeks.  Today, as I stepped on the scale, I realized that I have a goal I haven't really put down in words, but it is a goal, nonetheless.  I am within five - FIVE! - pounds of being able to step on the scale at any doctor's office.  My primary care physician does not have scales to accommodate anyone beyond a certain weight.  I have not been able to step on his scales one time in all the years I have been seeing him.  But this goal is certainly within reach!  I can hardly believe it.

I have a lot of other goals.  And they are going to happen, step by step.  How nice it will be to mark my first one off the list. 

Back on Meds

I started taking some of my meds yesterday - one at a time - swallowing them whole.  I didn't have any trouble at all with that.  I took some lasix - and made several trips last night to the bathroom.  OK, I know - TMI - but apparently it was something I needed to do.  After gaining one pound yesterday, I've lost seven - yes 7! - pounds today.  That brings my total since February 10 to 28.8 (and since surgery, 20 even).  And even better, from my biggest, I am less than half a pound away from 80 pounds! 

I feel great!  And I have decided to add a "mini" goal.  I want to see my collar bone.  Not sticking out all bony, but just a little bit.  I can't remember the last time I saw it.

I have a big family dinner coming up at the end of next week for my sister's birthday.  My Mom is a phenomenal cook - and always makes everyone feel special by preparing exactly what the birthday person wants for dinner.  My sister always chooses Italian - ravioli, meatballs, sausage, garlic bread, and a big salad.  I have already decided what I am going to eat, and already talked to my mother, explaining exactly what I am going to eat.  My Mom shows her love by cooking, and I certainly do not want to change that in her.  But what is going to change is me - I am NOT rejecting her love by not eating what she cooks.  I'm hoping that by talking about it ahead of time, she will understand that, and I will get through the dinner on track!

A Little Setback

After so many days of steadily losing weight - it was a little startling to see the scale go in the opposite direction this morning.  Granted, it was a very small gain, and probably has more to do with coming back to work yesterday, and sitting with my feet down all day long.  Because of my congestive heart failure, fluid retention is a "normal" part of my life.  I have not been on ANY of my meds since surgery, but I think it is probably time to try getting back on some of the heart meds.  I certainly do NOT want this trend to continue!

On a postive note, however, I have lost a total of 18.25 inches since February 10, 2010.  I still have some swelling in my abdomen, or I believe the losses would have been even more significant.  It is especially noticiable in my face and neck. 

I'm not discouraged.  Just more determined than ever to do exactly what I am supposed to do to make this a reality.

Some more good news:  I just heard from my doctor's office with lab results from routine blood work I had done on 02/20/10 - right before the surgery.  My A1C was 5.3.  My triglycerides were 80 - down from 190 in November!  Everything else was perfectly normal, too.  The doctor was VERY pleased, and of course, I was, too!

First Day Back to Work

13 days since surgery.  I've lost 14 pounds.  The doctor cleared me to come back to work - so here I am...a day early.  I feel great - at least so far.  I'm pretty sure I'll get tired, but that is part of the package.  The doctor was thrilled with my weight loss - I've lost 11 pounds since I saw him last Monday, and 20 pounds since January 28 - the day I saw him in the office and he scheduled my surgery.  WHOOHOO!

So far, my biggest hurdle is explaining to people that yes, I am, in fact, eating enough.  The doctor has been adamant that I should stop eating when I am full.  It doesn't take much to reach that point.  And it takes far less than most people think it should take.  But I'm listening to MY body, and making MY choices based on what I feel.

I've been off all my meds since surgery.  It doesn't look like I will go back on the diabetes medication.  Without that medication, my fasting sugars have averaged in the mid-90's.  No complaints there.  I will most likely have to start some of my other meds, for a while anyway.  I can crush most of them, but found they burned all the way down my throat when I tried to take them.  So far, there have not been any ill effects from NOT taking them, so I plan to hold out for a little longer, until I think I will be able to swallow them.

I used my CPAP machine for the first time last night - what a great night's sleep!  The best I've had since surgery.  The doctor said not to use it until he was sure that I've healed internally.  But he cleared me for that yesterday, as well.

9 Days Out

I'm acutally feeling pretty good.  I've gotten up - gotten dressed the last couple of days.  This morning, I'm within 1/2 pound of losing 10 pounds since the morning of surgery...WAY COOL!

I'm finally posting the pictures from the day of surgery.  There are two.  One, I kind of "tucked in" my shirt to show what was actually there.  But my photographer "cut off" my head, so we took another, and I didn't think to redo the shirt.  As I look at these two pictures, I realized how much I hide behind my clothes.  It looks like two different people, but they were both me, taken only a few minutes apart.

I tend to wear things that are loose and comfy - foregoing style.  I may need to think about this.  It does make a difference.

Be patient - I'm trying to get the picture loaded and not having too much luck...

Finally Feeling Better

I'm so sorry that I haven't blogged for a while.  Honestly - I didn't think the surgery would be so hard.  I was wrong.  Nothing serious - just generally feeling like I had been on the losing end of a fight with a train. 

But today - I feel much better.  The doctor took my drain out yesterday.  That was a big help.  The low grade fever I have been running is gone. 

The hospital stay was great.  Everyone took very good care of me.  I came home the next day.  And my husband and my Mom continued the great care.  I haven't had any appetite at all.  In fact, I've had difficulty eating the things that I "should" be eating.  The doctor said yesterday that is not a bad thing - and as long as I'm staying hydrated, there really wouldn't be a problem.  He also said that I could start taking my meds - for heart, mostly.  That will probably also help me feel better.

So - all in all - today is a new day.  I'm ready for visitors - I'm ready to start living again.