A New Goal

Well, it's not actually a NEW goal. It has long been the desire of my heart - but I have not put it into words before now. I want to be able to fly WITHOUT a seatbelt extender.

I can and have joked about my weight for years - buying clothes from Omar the tentmaker - acknowledging that I am a BIG woman without blinking an eye. But this one thing - the simple act of having to ask for a seatbelt extender when I fly on an airplane - represents for me the humiliation and degradation and prejudice that I have felt as an obese person.

Some flight attendants have been very discreet - casually handing it to me as they walked past, never drawing any kind of attention to the fact that I was simply too big to fit into their seatbelt. To these wonderful people, I can only say, "God bless you." But others have waved the extender around - asking who needed it - then making a big show out of handing it to me. Those times, it always seemed that EVERYONE on the plane was looking at me - and I could almost hear their thoughts: "How could she let herself get that big?" or "She could be pretty if she weren't so fat..." or even, "I'm so glad I do not have to sit next to her - she takes up so much room."

Just asking for the extender takes all my courage - knowing that I might be subjecting myself to ridicule and/or pity. So, being able to fly - and to buckle up like a "normal" person - would mean that I have really and truly come to a good place.

With the weight and inches I have already lost - there is a good possibility that I am already there. But the "proof is in the pudding" so to speak (and just as a side note, ever notice how many of every day cliches and phrases revolve around food?) - so I won't know for absolute sure until I fly again. That will be happening around Thanksgiving - so I still have 15 weeks to keep working hard to make this goal a reality. Thanks for your encouragement!

Before and After...

Every morning, I log into the website www.obesityhelp.com. I must admit, at first I bristled at the name. I hate the word "obese" or "obesity." My experience has been that a lot of doctors use that word to avoid taking care of a problem, no matter what the problem is. High blood pressure? You're obese - lose weight. High cholesterol? You're obese - lose weight. Pain anywhere? You're obese - lose weight. I fully understand how excess weight can aggravate a lot of medical conditions. But I have always adamantly felt that there is MORE to me than just my weight - and been so frustrated when I felt like that was all a doctor could see. I get absolutely crazy when a doctor looks at me and ASSUMES high blood pressure and high cholesterol. (My normal blood pressure is 95/70 - there is nothing high about that - and my total cholesterol hasn't been over 150 in years.)

Nevertheless, I DO log into this website every day. If someone is considering weight loss surgery (WLS), it is an excellent resource. If someone had just had WLS, it is a wonderful support group - comprised of a caring group of people who have "been there." There are answers for just about any question. There are helpful suggestions for recipes and ways to exercise. And if you decide to open an account - look for me - my user name is sonatasmom1.

But my very FAVORITE part of the website is the before and after pictures. I especially like looking at the people who were my size or bigger, and then seeing where they are now. The weight loss is always dramatic, but it helps to see that sometimes it has taken quite a while for them to get where they want to be. And I think to myself, "I cannot wait until I post my before and after pictures..." I could post now - and truthfully, the change has been dramatic already. But I'm so not where I am GOING to be, and I think it will be worth the wait...

An Eye for Color and a Flair for the Dramatic

One of the reasons I went back to school seven years ago was to study interior design - because I have always been told that I have an eye for color and a flair for the dramatic. My professors seemed to agree, and several of them wanted me to go beyond the Associate's Degree that I got. Lack of money, and health issues prevented that, but I have always loved anything to do with art and design.

However, I have a confession to make - I did not carry that love of color and design over to dressing myself. For years, I wore black - at least until something darker came along - thinking that it would somehow hide my size. Then I decided that I liked color - and I was big whether I was in colored clothes or in black - so I started wearing color. But I still didn't care what it looked like - AT ALL. I just threw clothes on - and if people didn't like it, oh well.

Shopping these last few weeks has been quite a different experience for me. (I went last night and spent my birthday money.) I looked hard at color and at style. I've matched jewelry. I have thought about outfits instead of individual pieces. (Can I wear this with other things that I have?) This part of shopping I really like. And I think I'm a little more put together than I have been in the past. And all of that works together to make me a little more self-confident - and a little happier. Who knew that something I have resisted for so very long could actually have this effect??

Sometimes I'm Just Tired...

Sometimes, I just get plain ol' tired. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to think about eating healthy. I don't want to make any choices. I don't want to do anything but curl up in bed and SLEEP!

It's for days like this that I have been working hard these past few months to create HABITS so that I can pack a lunch without thinking too much about it. Some no-sugar added applesauce, a couple of cheesesticks, some nuts. I keep these things on hand - and it really makes my life a lot easier. A tiny bit of leftover lasagna from Olive Garden, and some cheese crackers - and lunch (plus snacks for the day) is done.

In the past, I would have just not bothered. And by lunchtime, I would be starving - so then I would grab something from the sandwich shop downstairs - and most likely it would not have been something good for me. Or worse - I would have just skipped eating all together all day long - then gone way overboard at suppertime and into the evening.

When I decided to have this surgery, I decided to make a lifestyle change. Not just for when I felt like it - but for every day - every choice. Do I always follow through? Not at all, but as time goes by, I find that the times I choose correctly far outweigh the times I make bad choices, just like my former self far outweighs the person I am now.

Vacations and Birthdays!

It is a good day when I step on the scales this morning, and weigh 0.2 pounds LESS than I weighed on Thursday morning - the day I left for Nashville. This, after a weekend of eating out every meal.

It wasn't all roses - one night - I didn't pay very close attention, and I did eat more than I should. I had about 30 minutes of extreme discomfort - and I had an entire night of heartburn, complicated, I'm sure, by the fact that I was sleeping on less pillows in the hotel than I usually use at home. Understand, when I say I ate more than I should - I'm not talking about a complete five course meal - it might have been only few bites too many - but for me, the effect is the same. I promise you, I won't do that again!

My husband gave me a pretty new top for my birthday, and a dear friend gave me not one, not two, but TEN toe rings! Up until recently, my little sausage toes could not wear a toe ring, but now that they are not so fat and swollen, this is a new joy I have found! They make me happy - and when I opened the package and saw 10 toe rings - I laughed out loud. My birthday was great - not (just) because of the presents, but because I was with people I love and who love me. I love birthdays!

Update for Friday

I will be leaving in just a few minutes for Nashville, and probably will not get to blog again until Monday. So, I just had to blog one more time today to post the inches I have lost...

I am 21 1/2 weeks out from surgery. I have lost 90.25 inches! Or, put another way, 7 feet, 6.25 inches! Whoohoo! The biggest loss has been around my hips - 15.25 inches. Combined from my thighs - 19.15 inches. My waist and bust have both lost 8.00 inches! I'm so excited!

I'm happy to report that the pants I purchased at the beginning of the month have some wiggle room now, and I must be getting used to them because I no longer feel like they are too tight. I'm getting there!

Heading to Nashville...

My husband and some friends are picking me up after work today, and we are heading to Nashville! My husband's gospel quartet is going to cut a new CD. They will have a photo shoot with a professional photographer tomorrow morning, first thing. Then they will sing all day long. And if necessary, they will sing some on Saturday as well. While our guys are working hard, they wives are all going just to hang out for the weekend. I'm planning on relaxing by the pool, working on the tan, and just chillaxing! It should be fun.

I packed last night - but of course, there are some things that just have to wait until after the morning ablutions - toothbrush, makeup, etc. My PLAN was to get up early, so that I would have plenty of time. Remember the saying, "The best laid plans of mice and men..."? I normally, get out of bed at about 5:30 - which give me plenty of time to do everything I need/want to do. This morning - my husband rolls over at 5:45 and says, "Aren't you getting up?" My alarm was not playing my favorite radio station - it was set on static, thanks, no doubt, to one of the furry children in our house. So instead of getting up early - I am now officially late, and rushing around to get everything done. DANG!

But, I managed still to get everything done and get my personal hygiene items in a place that my husband can pack them when he packs his. I had made my lunch last night - which made my regular routine a little easier.

I hate to be caught off guard like that - rushing, trying to remember everything, that nagging feeling that there is something I completely forgot to do.

I spent most of my life dieting that way. There was a plan - but something would go wrong, and I was spending a whole lot more time playing "catch up" than I spent preparing. Then I would beat myself up - and get frustrated and depressed and throw in the towel because I just "couldn't do it." It is so much better to have the plan in place - and to be able to stick to it.

I'm determined that the rocky start this morning is not going to affect my weekend - and that those times when I get off my plan for health and nutrition are not going to affect my long-term success!

My Poor Heart

Sometimes, I tease my husband and tell him that he should do something that I want him to do because I have such "a weak heart." He always rolls his eyes at me and tells me that it isn't going to work - I've already done that song and dance. Of course, I only do it to get a reaction from him, and he reacts because he knows that is what I'm looking for. Thinking about it - I'm sure that there are people who might find the teasing back and forth in poor taste. But the truth is - this is how we deal with something that in reality is a little (or a lot) scary for both of us. If we can laugh together about it, we feel united, and if not exactly brave, at least united in our fear.

Our reality is that I have congestive heart failure. It is not going to go away. It is not going to get better. And we have had to learn to live with it - to work around it - and sometimes to give in to it. From a physical standpoint, it means that I get fatigued easier. I do not have the stamina that I would like to have. Sometimes it causes breathing problems, especially if it is very hot and/or humid outside. There have been many, many times that I have had to make a choice: I can do this OR I can do that - but I absolutely cannot do both.

Still, I have a very active lifestyle - from even before my surgery. I work full-time - and other than the surgeries I have had - and the doctor's visits I will always have, I seldom take a sick day. Being part of my husband's ministry often feels like another full-time job, especially for the couple of weeks before a musical. I have now added yoga and tai chi. I sew, I do crafts. People are often surprised to find out exactly how sick I really am - because I keep going.

For many years, though, I used my heart condition as an excuse why I wasn't dieting or exercising or making good, healthy choices. And before the heart condition - it was female problems. And before that...well, I can see where I made excuse after excuse after excuse for why I WASN'T doing what I should. I am probably one of the world's best procrastinators - after all, I did it for 47 years. I do not know why I was able to FINALLY get started on this journey - but I am really glad I did.

A Good Doctor's Visit...

You know it is going to be a good visit when you step on the scales at the doctor's office and weigh 2 1/2 pounds LESS fully clothed than you weighed at home - with nothing on but a smile! I LOVE that scale. I am down 18 pounds from my visit 5 weeks ago. And by my scales, I'm down 143 pounds - whoohoo! The doctor was tickled with my progress - and said how I feel is one of the MOST IMPORTANT indicators to how I am doing.

They did make some minor adjustments to my pacemaker, to allow me to get the exercise in. Last night, I tried Tai Chi for the first time - and loved it! But when my heartrate goes above a certain level, my pacemaker kicks in and tries desperately to slow it down. The adjustment raised that level so that my pacemaker won't work TOO hard against me as I exercise.

But, to be honest, it is not all GREAT news. The echocardiogram shows my EF% (Ejection Fraction) somewhere between 20 and 25 percent. This is down from my last echo at 30% or so. The doctor said not to panic about this - at best, it is a visual estimate, so a drop of 5 to 10% is not as bad as it sounds. None of this really surprised me. My research indicates that often heart function does not improve. The doctor said that he has many patients who live full lives with such low numbers, but it is important to be aware of it - and if I get winded or fatigued - to stop and rest. I had hoped for better news - like my heart was much improved - but knowing that it is NOT worse is good, too.

I was hoping that he would let me drive. He said the guidelines for not driving after an incident are SIX MONTHS! (Five weeks ago, my husband and I both heard him say TWO MONTHS!) He didn't say I couldn't drive, but he let me know he didn't think it was a good idea. I'll let everyone know what I decide.

What a Weekend!!!

OK - something REALLY COOL happened on Friday after I posted my blog. The commuter club I'm with had people log their steps for the months of April and May. Friday afternoon, I received a participation package for logging my steps. I got a goodie bag with a mousepad, a letter opener, a coaster, a magnet, and a t-shirt that said, "I trekked the trails in Cumberland." (That's the area where I work.) I didn't actually "trek any trails" but I was able to walk and log my steps -- a year ago, that would not have been possible. Even six months ago - it wouldn't have happened. So, I am thrilled to death!

Then, Saturday was my niece's shower. All the work paid off, and the nursery looks adorable. The colors are bright and cheerful, and my niece and nephew-in-law are happy, which is the most important thing. Now we just wait for little Xoe to make her appearance.

Tomorrow's blog will be a little late - I have several appointments with my cardiologist - for an echocardiogram, and a pacemaker check, and finally with the doctor himself. I am hoping that he will tell me that I am feeling as good as I THINK I am feeling - lol! I am not anticipating any problems, but getting everything thoroughly checked out is always a good thing!

Love ya'll!

A View From My Husband

This morning, my regular ride to the vanpool was off, so my husband had to take me. Everyone who knows him knows that morning isn't his best time. So, when I cornered him this morning with the question, "What has been the most surprising thing - or the hardest thing - about my surgery?" - I knew he would be taken off guard. But, I hoped that the surprise would let him give a gut answer, not something that he thought about a lot.

His answer surprised me. I expected him to say something about getting used to how little I eat, or maybe something about how he misses what we used to share when it came to food. But he said, "The thing that most surprises me is how patient you have been with all of this. I really figured you would be impatient and think you weren't losing fast enough."

Wow - in my mind I have been EXTREMELY impatient - especially when the doctors have been playing with my meds, and I stall. I think it's very, very cool that the person who should know me best sees me in an entirely different light than I see myself.

On another topic, yesterday there was a little humor when I entered my statistics into my spreadsheet. I mistakenly entered 396 instead of 296. Of course, that made my chart and all of my formulas go haywire! I was very puzzled for a few minutes - and then I saw my error! I laughed, because I have typed 300+ for SO LONG that I guess it has become habit. What a relief it was to make the correction, and see everything look like it should. HOW COOL IS THAT????

Getting It Done

There is something EXTREMELY gratifying about setting a goal, and then being able to cross that goal off your list. I have been doing sewing for my niece's baby. Last night I finished ALL of the sewing part of the project. Tonight, all I have to do is iron on the velcro pieces for the various parts. I have been working on this for quite a while, and while I did not work on it every day, I knew it had to be done. The shower is this Saturday, so having the close deadline really did help motivate me. After the shower, my Mom and I will go over to their apartment, and I will finish all of the final details - hanging the shades - putting the soft sculpture flowers on the wall - getting the tabs in just the right place on the bumpers. My only anxiety now is that she likes it.

Setting goals has become an important part of my weight loss, as well. I try to make my goals bite size chunks - small enough to accomplish within a reasonable amount of time - without being too overwhelming. And what joy when I can cross off one of my goals.

When you look at the big picture - there is still lots and lots for me to do. But when you look at the list of things I have already crossed off, it is impressive. I guess the secret is to rejoice in the past victories, but keep looking forward to the future ones...and staying motivated and energized about this journey the whole way!

Thank you to everyone who has cheered me on along the way! You are my inspiration!

Van Pool

I take a van pool to work. Not only does this save me money, it's good for the environment. And these last few weeks when I have been unable to drive - it has been a lifesaver.

When I'm allowed to drive, I am an alternate driver. Believe me, driving through rush hour traffic is no small feat! I have nothing but admiration and respect for our regular driver. Some days, it seems that there are more than the usual crazies on the roads, and yet he still manages to get us safely to work and back home again.

The only way he can do this is to pay attention. He has to notice not just the general flow of traffic - but also tiny details - the kind that might indicate that person in the next lane is going to swerve right in front of the van. This morning, for example, a person entered the HOV lane from an entrance specifically for HOV users. Then this person slammed on the brakes right in front of us. Our driver had to brake suddenly to keep from hitting her, but somehow he managed to do it.

Driving in Atlanta traffic is a lot like the journey I am on. I have to pay attention to ALL the details. Am I full? Am I getting enough protein? Am I eating empty calories, or making good choices? When people don't pay attention in traffic - accidents happen. And one moment's inattention can cause back-up for miles. When I don't pay attention, I can have discomfort at the very least, but it can be much more serious than that. Paying attention helps me keep it "between the lines."

A Riddle

There is an old (read "ancient") riddle that says, "What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?"

The funny thing about riddles is that generally, the more intelligent you are, the more difficult they are to solve. We search for the answer - dig through our extensive knowledge - and sometimes, even when told the answer, we scratch our heads in puzzlement. But frequently, children come up with the answer - then laugh in delight when they do.

Unfortunately, we sometimes treat the whole nutrition / diet thing like a riddle - only it isn't cute or funny. The bottom line is - if you put out more calories than you take in - you will lose weight. No trick - no gimmick. But if you take in more calories than you put out - you gain weight. It's really not rocket science.

It isn't as hard as it sounds to increase activity (and therefore put out more calories). I try to get up and walk to someone's desk instead of sending an email. I set an alarm (I have to do this - otherwise I forget) to remind myself to get up and walk a little. (I do that four time a day at work.) I stand up while I am on the telephone. None of these require a great deal of effort, but the little bits add up. I know full well that there are circumstances and health issues that may keep these things from happening, but I am making little changes and I'm really seeing the difference.

Oh, and John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh share the same middle name. Think about it.

Why Me?

I've been told before that I over analyze everything - and I'm afraid that I am very, very guilty of that. But sometimes I think I need to take a cold, hard look at things, and this week, I have really been thinking about why (and how) I got to the place I have been, and where I am now.

First, and foremost, no matter what it sounds like - I am not blaming anyone else for my choices. I made the decisions. I put the food in my mouth. And yet, without some of the circumstances I found myself in, it is doubtful I would have had the same reaction.

I have never been tiny. I like food way too much! My mother is an excellent cook, and like many of my generation, I was brought up to clean my plate.

More importantly, I am such a stress eater. A very bad and painful first marriage left me with few options. As things deteriorated, I ate. The worse things got in the relationship, the more I ate. As the abuse increased, so did my weight. Interestingly enough, I have learned since that time in my life that even infants gain weight when subjected to sexual abuse. It seems to be a deep-seated response to abuse. I do remember thinking that the abuse was in response to my weight - but I was terrified to do anything about it - for two reasons: 1) the one time that I actually went on a serious diet and lost weight, the abuse actually increased; and 2) I was so afraid that I would find out that it wasn't the weight after all - it was me he hated. Turns out that wasn't too far from the truth, but for a long time, I couldn't have handled knowing that. Eating was how I survived. At the time, it was the best I could do.

So, thoughts turned into actions, which then turned into habits. And by the time 10 years had passed - I was the size of a house. I lost some weight after the divorce, but not nearly enough. And I didn't change the underlying habits, so the weight came back.

Fast forward a number of years...being married to Dave was so different from my first marriage. This was a man who really loved me. But he really loved his food, too, and eating became something we shared. And the weight kept piling on. There were surgeries of all kinds - for things not necessarily caused by weight, but certainly aggravated by the weight. A massive infection resulted in a hysterectomy, and the same infection attacked my heart, which was already stressed by the weight. And the doctor said, "congestive heart failure" - and "drugs may or may not work, and if they don't your only option is a heart transplant." And all of a sudden my life would never be the same again.

I cannot undo what the years of overeating have done to me. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I can make improvements here and now, which will ultimately improve my health somewhat, but I can't fix my heart. The damage has been done. I can wish that I had paid attention earlier - to doctors, to friends, to family who were concerned. But I didn't, and wishing will not undo it. I can beat myself up about being so stupid - for getting into a bad relationship - for staying in it for a decade - for eating my way out of it - for letting things get so bad that I have a chronic health issue that will not go away. But none of that will change anything. So, while I acknowledge the past that has brought me to this point, I'm not crying over it. I am looking forward...

Yes, I am looking forward...to the day when I can finally say that I've lost 275 pounds, and am where my doctor wants me to be. I am looking forward to being at the place where I make GOOD choices based on what my body needs, and not choices based on what my emotions are telling me I need. I am looking forward to the day I can say to ANYBODY - you CAN do this...because I DID this!

Frustration

A good friend has been going to Weight Watchers - and is incredibly frustrated because she is only averaging a loss of a pound or so per week. I've been trying to encourage her - and told her that the experts say that is a nice steady rate. She has heard me talk about my weight loss - and thinks she should be losing faster. I asked her not to compare with me. She made the statement that she wants to lose as fast as I am losing, only without the surgery.

I think this is the reason that so many people get frustrated with diets and weight loss programs. We want the results without the investment. My husband teaches piano and voice lessons. He says that the biggest reason people stop taking lessons is that they do not want to LEARN to play the piano (or to sing) -- but they just want to PLAY (or sing) right here, right now. I don't want to follow the proven steps to weight loss - eating healthy, exercise, and portion control - BUT I DO want the weight to be gone.

Diets, and weight loss programs, and even weight loss surgery - are all just tools. But if we don't use the tools we have - no matter how wonderful they are - we aren't going to lose weight. Think of it this way: suppose there is a master carpenter - the best in his field. And suppose the carpenter has the best tools that money can buy. What will he ever build if he doesn't pick up those tools and use them? A great big fat nothing. Not a house, not a cabinet, not a toy. It really doesn't matter at all if he has the BEST tools. In fact, they might as well just be garbage if he isn't going to use them. But when he picks up the tools, and uses them the way they were intended to be used - he can create a masterpiece - a thing of beauty and function.

My surgery is only a tool - and if I don't make the choices I need to make about portion control - and exercise - and even the kinds of food I need to eat, I would have been better off not having the surgery at all. Honestly, it would be wonderful to wake up and somehow, just suddenly be the size that I need to be. But since nothing of value ever comes that easily, then I really want - and need - to go through the learning process. And when I DO get to where I need to be - I'm sure that I will look back and say that the JOURNEY has been worth it! And as far as my friend is concerned...I will do everything I can to encourage her to stay on her journey.

19 Weeks Out

Yesterday was 19 weeks since my surgery. I thought it might be beneficial to look at how far I've come.

Since surgery, I have lost 78.8 pounds (roughly 4.15 pounds per week). I have lost 66 inches (5 feet, 6 inches). I have purchased clothes off the rack in a regular store. I can see my collar bone. I can cross my legs. I can get on a regular scale in the doctor's office (which means I weigh less than 350 pounds.) I weigh less than 300 pounds. I have lost half the weight I need to lose to reach my goal weight. I have cut out a large majority of my meds. I'm walking a whole lot more every day. I'm doing yoga. I had to get new undergarments and new clothes - because everything was falling off of me. All of these are very measurable things.

But there are a number of things that cannot be physically measured, too. I have wowed my regular doctor, my cardiologist, and even my surgeon. The nurse at my cardiologist has been blown away. I have more energy than I ever remember having. I am taking more care with my appearance - wearing makeup - jewelry - looking for clothes that emphasize the losses, instead of just anything that I can get on.

But I think the very most important thing is what has happened inside my brain. I don't turn to food for comfort, or to ease stress, or when I'm bored like I used to. Sometimes it means that I seem a lot more emotional - if that's even possible. The things that I tried so hard to hold inside before, well, there is just no room for them now. Sometimes it means that I get confrontational - which probably is not happy news for my husband, and for my parents - but again, with no room for those feelings inside, I have to do something with them. Sometimes it means that I remove myself from a situation. Again, not necessarily a POPULAR choice, depending on the situation, but sometimes it is crucial choice. I am not afraid of failing any more. I've proven time and time again that I can make good choices - and that gives me confidence.

A LOT of changes in 19 weeks. There are many more changes to come. But one thing that will never, ever change - is how much the support of my friends and family means to me. Thank you all - from the bottom of my heart.

Interesting Observations

I've been heavy all of my adult life. Funny thing, though...it seems like the heavier I got the less people were able to see me. I'm not exactly sure why that is. Did they think that maybe it would be contagious? Like the fat would just jump off me and into them? Or maybe they were embarrassed for me, I mean, how could anyone let themselves get to this point? Maybe it was just being uncomfortable with anyone who is different from themselves? Maybe it was a combination of all of these, and more.

I don't think I have changed all that much since losing the weight. Granted, I feel better, and I'm probably a little more confident, but the basic things that make me who I am are the same. So, when people treat me differently now, I'm a little amused, and if I'm honest, I'm also a little annoyed.

I hate that we live in a society that puts so much emphasis on what a person looks like, and so little emphasis on who a person is inside. I hate that people make judgments based on a shape or a size, and miss the beauty that is right there for anyone who will look. I come in regular contact with one older lady who has for years told me that I would be so pretty if I would just lose the weight. And now that I am losing, she seems to be in my face all the time - asking if I'm staying on the "diet" - how long I think it will be before I lose all the rest of my weight - do I plan on having the plastic surgery to take care of the places that are drooping. She gives the impression that I never really will be "good enough."

I am SO THANKFUL that I am surrounded by friends who really saw me for who I am - regardless of the weight I carried or am carrying. Friends who appreciate my sense of humor (most of the time). Friends who know my heart. Friends who feel my pain. And friends who will still be there for me, even if I gain the weight back. (Just so you know, I'm still committed to this lifestyle change, but I just want to acknowledge that I know you will be there no matter what!)

4th of July, Goals Met, and Shopping

What a great weekend! I love the 4th of July - the fireworks, being with friends, cooking out! I hope you had a wonderful holiday.

But this particular Independence Day holds extra special meaning for me. I FINALLY broke the 300 pound mark. July 4th, 2010 - and I weighed in at 298.6. And the next day, I officially had lost half of the weight that I want to lose. There is still a ways to go - but I'm over halfway there! WHOOHOO!!! My next goal should happen in about 10 pounds - drop down to the next level for my BMI. I have been morbidly obese for decades. At 287, I will be obese - still not where I want to be, but not where I have been. And that will be closely followed by another goal - losing 100 pounds since surgery. That will happen when I hit 275. When I think about losing 137 more pounds, it seems insurmountable. When I think about losing 10 or 22 more pounds, I know I can do it. And one more goal met, although it is a small one - I painted my own toenails! The cool thing isn't so much that I painted them, but that I could REACH them to paint them.

I went shopping yesterday, with my Mom and a close friend and her Mom. I had $85 worth of gift cards, and Kohl's was having an amazing sale - plus my Mom had a coupon for 15% off everything I purchased. I got a nice pair of slacks, and 6 tops - which would have come to $300 if I had paid retail. My out of pocket expense was $26. Then, to celebrate my birthday later this month - my Mom also purchased a pair of slacks and another top. She made me promise that I will not wear the big, baggy clothes out of the house - and that I will get rid of them. The most difficult thing is getting used to slacks that actually fit. I've worn them baggy for so long that these feel like they are really tight, and I'm having a little problem getting my brain wrapped around the fact that they are not. But my parents, and my husband, and my friends who have seen me in them say that they are not too tight. I either have to trust them, or assume that they are lying to me. So, here I am, in one of my new outfits, and I have to say, I feel pretty good.

Happy Birthday America!

Sunday marks the 234th birthday of our nation. I can't imagine being around for that long. But in the history of the world, 234 years really isn't long at all - in fact, we are still in the infant stage compared to many countries in this world - countries that have been around for centuries and centuries.

In my house, we also think about July 1 - which is Canada Day. Sorry to my Canadian readers that I didn't mention it yesterday.

There is something very nice about blending two cultures: you can get the best of both worlds. My husband has been in the US for many years, but there are still some things that we do that are exclusively Canadian. Tea at our house is always hot - not iced - and you don't dunk a teabag - you brew the tea in a teapot. And the only tea we use is Red Rose - which we have to bring back from Canada. The gauze bags (versus paper bags down here) make all the difference.

Another Canadian thing we do is leave the butter out on the counter. It stays soft, and spreadable, and I guarantee that we use it up long before it has a chance to go rancid.

But no matter where we are from, or where we live, one common bond is celebrating with food. Whether it is a patriotic holiday where we celebrate with a cookout - or Christmas where we celebrate with a turkey dinner and all the fixings...holidays are almost always associated with food. My trick is learning how to celebrate WITHOUT making food the focal point. Sometimes, I must admit, the temptation is strong to do what everyone around me is doing - filling their plates with all kinds of goodies. But I made a vow when I started this journey that I would no longer do what I have done in the past. It is not always easy, but when I can say that I've lost 135 pounds - or 74.5 inches - or gotten down to a new size - it makes it worthwhile.

Paying It Forward...

Last night, I went to visit a dear friend in the hospital who had the gastric bypass surgery yesterday. Although he started the process before I did - some insurance issues kept him from having the surgery until yesterday. He came through surgery very well, and it has been really neat to be in a position to answer questions for him - both for pre-op and for things he can expect now. And we are committed to helping each other through this.

How satisfying it is to be able be there for him like my friend who had the surgery a few years back has been there for me. And for me and my husband to be able to say to his wife that we are there - anytime they need us. (I figure she may have questions and issues about the other side of this surgery - not as the patient, but as the person who lives with the patient.)

I want more than anything to be able to make a difference in someone's life. To take them from the self-loathing that I experienced when I was so big to learning to accept yourself - good and bad. To help someone go from eating as stress relief, or a byproduct of depression, or any one of the wrong reasons we eat, to eating as it was meant to be...a response to hunger and a way to get vital nutrition. To talk about changing not just your body, but your mind.

Another friend was asking me why I thought I had been successful so far. I really think it was my attitude starting out. I determined long before surgery that I was NOT going to look at this as having to give up certain things. I was looking ahead to all the things I would gain - except, of course, weight. If a person looks at all the things they have to give up - pop, bread (for me), popcorn, etc., etc., etc. - it would be very easy to get depressed, and fall back into one of the habits that got me into this mess in the first place: eating to feel better, even though I never did.

But, if I look at all of the cool things that are happening to me, and focus on those...buying clothes off the rack, coming off so many medicines, sitting in a chair with arms and not bruising the hips I've had to squeeze in, etc., etc., etc. - I'm encouraged, and I want to stay on track!

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Phillippians 4:8-9