Getting Ready for Vacation

After months of not having a day off, FINALLY, Memorial Day is here – and I’m taking a couple of extra days next week.  I cannot begin to describe how much I am looking forward to this.  Some good friends have invited us to visit them in Outer Banks, NC – and we are leaving right after church on Sunday.

Just like plateaus are a part of the weight loss journey, rest and relaxation are part of our lives, although many times this aspect is sadly neglected.  We go all the time, running here and there, seldom taking any time to stop and enjoy.  So, this trip, I plan to do exactly that.  Sleep late if I want to – spend time with good friends – enjoy the beach – and most of all, just RELAX.  No deadlines – no urgent meetings – no worries. 

May you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend – and hug a veteran!  They have done so much for us.

Counting the Changes

Before today’s blog, I have used the word “change” (in one form or another) 127 times in the 300 blogs I have written.  Change has been such an important part of this journey for me.  There have been physical changes, for sure.  Anyone can look at my progressive pictures and see the physical changes.  There have been emotional changes, or at least a change in how I deal with emotions.  And there have been mental changes, as well, as I examine my relationship with food, and deliberately choose to alter my thought process and my behavior.  And that doesn’t count the increased activity, fewer medications, and overall improvement in my health.

Amidst all the change in my life – it is comforting to have SOMEONE who is constant:

“He rescues me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.  God, who is enthroned from of old, who does not change—he will hear them and humble them, because they have no fear of God.”  (Psalm 55:18-20, NIV)

“I the LORD do not change.”  (Malachi 3:6, NIV)

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”  (James 1:16-18, NIV)

Here’s to change – when it is necessary, but also to God who is always faithful – and NEVER changes!

Cleaning My Plate

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with a couple of co-workers, about being brought up to clean your plate.  That is so much a cultural thing for us here in the United States, that we don’t even realize it.  One friend was talking about being in a South American country – and every time she cleaned her plate, they would pile more food on it.  After several days, someone made a comment about how much Americans eat.  She was eating because they were piling food on her plate, and they were piling food on her plate because she was eating it all.  (In that culture, you leave some on your plate to signal that you are full and finished eating.)  A simple misunderstanding that could have been serious over time.  Once she understood THEIR culture, she was able to eat much less and be more comfortable.

The conversation made me wonder how many things we do that are cultural rather than necessary for nutrition.  Through the years, portion sizes have grown considerably, particularly in restaurants.  Then, because we eat so much when we eat out, we feel that we have to eat the same amount when we cook at home.  We eat in front of the television, so we don’t pay much attention to the food we are putting in our mouths.  We all live very busy lives, so we often eat in a rush, so much so that we don’t always give our bodies time to feel full – so we eat even more.  In fact, the more I think about it, the more it seems that we do very little in response to actual hunger and nutrition needs, and nearly everything in response to cultural and lifestyle standards.  No wonder this country is facing an epidemic in obesity!

This journey has forced me to be much more aware of “WHY” I eat instead of “WHAT” or “HOW MUCH” I eat.  And recognizing these cultural idiosyncrasies is a big part of my journey.  Sometimes, determining the “why” is uncomfortable, especially when it turns out to be for emotional reasons.  But I am healthier and happier because I have worked hard at this.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern on the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  (Romans 12:1-2, NIV)

Hanging In There

Yesterday I was yelled at.  Twice.  By two people that I love and respect.  I don’t like being yelled at – even if I deserve it.  Maybe especially if I deserve it.  And I really don’t like being yelled at when I am hurting.

Unexpectedly, I found out yesterday that the entire tax liability for having my loan written off is due this week – not spread out over the rest of the year the way that I had anticipated it would be.  I’m not at all complaining about the tax liability – I fully expected and intended to pay it.  I just did not expect that it would be such a massive amount in such a short period of time.  And in my frustration I made the comment that I wished I had never had the surgery.

Of course, I have no intention of going back to what I was before the surgery.  But in that moment, with the substantial tax bill hanging over my head, threatening my family’s well-being, I expressed an honest emotion.  There is really no point in telling me I SHOULDN’T feel that way – I DO feel that way.  I completely acknowledge that I will not always feel that way, but right now, that is where I am.  It hurts knowing that something I did has put my family in jeopardy – threatening at least one of our very basic needs – our house.  My paycheck that pays the mortgage is going to be zero this month.  And that is scary.

Having said that, I believe that God is bigger than this problem.  He’s bigger than my fears, and my emotions.  And already, I have seen His hand work in ways I would not have thought possible.  And to the people who yelled (OK, maybe “yelled” is a little strong) – I know that you only said what you said because you love me, and you know that having the surgery saved my life. 

I’ll be OK.  We will be OK.  Sometimes it just takes a little time and effort to get from where I am right now to that OK point.

After the End

What do you say on the Monday after the “end of time”?  There has been much hype about the rapture that was supposed to happen last Saturday.  I have to say, I did not at any time think that this was going to happen.  But as I sat home by myself at 6:00, there was the tiniest little doubt that somehow, I had missed the big event, and I wouldn’t even know.  I called my parents.  Whew – they are still here.  I texted both my husband and a good friend.  Yep, they are still here.  (Although I wouldn’t have put it past any of them to not answer my call or text, just to freak me out a little.)  Sunday morning at church, there was no one suspiciously missing.  If there was a rapture, apparently I’m hanging out with the wrong crowd – because I don’t know ANYONE who is no longer here.

The person who did all the calculations – who collected and spent so much money for advertising this – probably was very sincere in everything he did.  The people who believed him were also most likely genuine in their faith.  How sad that sincerity and faith aren’t enough.  I imagine they will face tremendous embarrassment, possibly even ridicule.  For me, this is just a reminder to be very sure of the things I choose to place my faith in.

When it comes to this journey – as tempting as the “quick fixes” might be, they are like what happened on Saturday – a LOT of hype, but not much follow through.  I’m much better off being smart – using common sense to control my calorie intake and exercise to control what I expend, making sure that what goes out is more than what comes in.

“Jesus, answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well.  From now on, you do know him and have seen him.’”  (John 14:5-7, NIV)

“’But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.  Be on guard!  Be alert!  You do not know when that time will come.’”  (Mark 13: 32-33, NIV)

Jesus is the only way to God – and He says that even HE doesn’t know when the end will come.  Not only is it presumptuous to think a mere man could know more than Jesus, but think about what the people who believed this so sincerely must be feeling now. 

I Don't Believe It!

OK – I admit it.  I’m a total skeptic – especially when it comes to those ads where people have lost so much weight just popping a little pill – or eating this secret food to lose weight fast.  You know the ones I’m talking about:  where a person in standing in one leg of a massive pair of pants.  Who knew that I would someday be that person?

I mentioned cleaning out my closet a few weeks ago – well, I found a pair of pants I wore at my biggest.  And guess what – I can get all of me in one leg.  I took a picture to prove it! 

I never thought I would be here – yet here I am.  So, I’m doing a little happy dance today.

Happy Friday, everyone!

A Big Mistake

Tuesday night, while Dave was at work, I was playing on the computer.  I usually have the TV on, for the noise (and to drown out the noise that Mozart, our parrot, makes), but I’m not usually watching it.  It was on TLC – and most of the time, I don’t even bother to change the channel.  This particular night, a show came on that caught my attention, and I watched much more closely than I usually do.  It was called, “Half Ton Mom.”  A very large woman, weighing nearly 900 pounds, put everything she had into finding a doctor and hospital that would perform gastric bypass on her.  Finally, she found a surgeon and this show documented her surgery and progress.

Normally, I stay away from this kind of movie or television show.  It is extremely emotional for me – because in my very recent past, I was right there.  I felt her agony.  I admired her courage.  I cheered her determination.  But in very nearly every way – her story is my story, and it is very difficult to watch. 

She went through the surgery.  Because she was such a high risk, she spent her recovery time in the hospital.  At two weeks post-op, she had lost 60 pounds.  The doctors felt her progress was encouraging.  Everything seemed to be going fine.

At two and a half weeks post-op, she had a massive cardiac event – and died with no warning.  She left two children. 

As I have thought about this for the last couple of days, I realized the reason it upset me so badly is that I could have been her.  I didn’t weigh as much as she did, but I was well on the way.  Everything she admitted to feeling I have felt.  I knew her disappointment as doctor after doctor said they wouldn’t operate because the risk was simply too great.  I understand her desire to something – ANYTHING – to make things better.  I felt her shame when they had to make special accommodations just to perform her surgery and during her recovery.  And when she died, I knew how very close I came to being the person in the morgue.

PRAISE GOD – that I was able to find the help I needed to make a change in my life!  So many people have encouraged me – cheered for me – prayed for me.  My heart still hurts – for this young woman (she was only 29) and for so many people out there who are still looking for an answer.  I hope I never lose the ability to sympathize – and to empathize with people on this journey.  I hope that I will never forget how much pain I felt at my biggest, and how much pain people around me are feeling, whether it is concerning this issue or anything else.  And I really pray that no matter what changes are happening in my body and in my mind, that I will continually become more and more like God.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”  (2 Corinthians 3:17-18, NIV)

Something Old

My favorite uncle is getting ready to move from a three-story log cabin on top of a mountain to a ground floor condo, which means less stairs, less yard maintenance, and much less space.  He has spent his life collecting things – like old tools and antiques – and making things, like birdhouses and pretty much anything out of wood.  Downsizing for him means getting rid of much of this stuff.  I am most fortunate that he wants to give me the antique victrola with several records.  He knows that music is an important part of mine and Dave’s life, and he wants this beautiful piece of furniture to stay in the family.  My grandmother had it before she got married, so we all think that it is at least 90 years old.

I am also fortunate to have my grandmother’s dining room set.  She started out housekeeping with it back in 1923.  When my mother was a junior in high school, she refinished it.  The set includes a table, six chairs, a china cabinet, a long buffet, and a short buffet.  There have been many, many meals around this table in the 88 years it has been in the family.  The key is still in the china cabinet door, which is pretty amazing considering that there were five children in my Mom’s family, nine grandchildren, and twelve great-grandchildren.  It was understood that no one touched the key.  I value not only the furniture, but the stories that go with it.  I remember as a child wanting to sit at that table so badly when we were all home for a reunion – and being disappointed when I was relegated to the metal table and chairs in the kitchen with all the other grandkids.  It wasn’t that I was eating at the kids’ table – it was that I was eating at the metal table.  I remember standing very quietly in front of the china cabinet (if I made any noise, someone would come and chase me out of the room) looking at all the pretty things my grandmother housed in it, but never touching anything.

We live in a culture that frequently cheapens things simply because they are old.  We do it with music in church (that hymn is old – we want CONTEMPORARY!).  We do it with clothes (this is last year’s style – out with the old, in with the new!)  We even do it with people (just try to get a decent job if you are over 50 and showing gray hair). 

When I look at my hands, I see the signs of age.  When I look in the mirror, I see gray hair and lots of wrinkles.  Time is marching on. 

There are places in this world where age is revered.  I think I am going to make my home one of those places.  Whether it is old furniture, or old music, or old people – I want my home to a place of sanctuary. 

“The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the LORD, they will flourish in the courts of our God.  They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, “The LORD is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.”  (Psalm 92:12-15, NIV)

Starting Zumba

OK – last night I started Zumba. It is challenging, but I think I’m going to like it – a lot! The basics DVD is about 52 minutes long, and I kept up for about 30 minutes. But for my first time out, I’m not upset. I worked up a good sweat and got my heart pumping. I finished watching the rest of the DVD, while I waited for my breathing and heart rate to return to normal. Then I took a HOT shower. I slept great last night!

I think it would be easy to look at the instructors – and how well they move – and think that will never be me (realistically, it won’t) and get discouraged. But I have decided to look at this as a way to move and get exercise – and so what if I never perfect my technique – anything that helps me move is better than being a couch potato. A note of caution, though – if there is anyone who wants to do this with me – we have to promise each other that we will look at the TV and not anyone else in the room. I’m far too uncoordinated to do this smoothly.

I plan on keeping up with my measurements throughout this, and I thought that it might be interested to see where I am now compared to where I was right before surgery. I have mentioned total inches lost, but not shown individual losses.

Body Part At           2 Wks Pre-Op           Current                Difference
Neck                              18.75”                 15.00”                    3.75”
Upper Arm (Right)          23.75”                 15.00”                    8.75”
Upper Arm (Left)            23.00”                 15.00”                    8.00”
Wrist (Right)                     8.00”                   7.00”                    1.00”
Wrist (Left)                       8.00”                   7.00”                    1.00”
Bust                                51.00”                 38.50”                  12.50”
Chest                              44.25”                 35.00”                    9.25”
Waist                              50.50”                 37.50”                  13.00”
Hips                                75.25”                 50.00”                  25.25”
Thigh (Right)                   35.75”                 22.00”                  13.75”
Thigh (Left)                     35.00”                 22.00”                  13.00”
Calf (Right)                     25.50”                 16.00”                    9.50”
Calf (Left)                       25.50”                 16.00”                    9.50”
Ankle (Right)                  13.50”                  10.00”                    3.50”
Ankle (Left)                    14.00”                  10.50”                    3.50”
Total Lost                                                                              135.25”
                                                                               11 FEET, 3.25 INCHES!

I love the hips – I’m down over TWO FEET there. I’m down over a foot on both thighs and my waist, and unfortunately, my bust line. I’m certainly not where I want to be, or where the doctors want me to be, but look how far I’ve already come! And I still have curves in all the right places.

Mystery Shopper

Recently, the pizza place where my husband worked had a mystery shopper. To the manager’s delight, the driver received 100% and the pizza received 98%. My husband was the driver. One of the reasons the boss was so happy was because apparently the last time there was a mystery shopper, they did not get good marks at all.

Mystery shoppers are a great tool. They can be used to discover a problem, or to reward excellence. And because of the anonymity, it is important to treat every customer with the utmost courtesy and professionalism. Where Dave works, it is important for each pizza to be perfect, or nearly so. Let’s face it; while some customers might call to complain, very few ever call to say how happy they are with the service. And even those who are unhappy frequently just say, “I’m never ordering from there again” and no one ever knows why.

It occurred to me how nice (maybe?) it would be to have this kind of feedback in my personal life. What would happen if I knew that any time I even think about taking a bite of something – there was the possibility of someone knocking at my door and barging into my home to check it out. It might make me a little more cautious about the food I was putting into my mouth. I might be more careful about eating the nutritious things I should be eating instead of food with empty calories. I might stop altogether before I put that food in my mouth, instead of regretting it afterwards.

And what about my attitude? What if someone showed up every time I got mad, or every time I said an unkind word? Hmmm, maybe I need to rethink my mystery shopper. I’m not sure I would get very high marks.

But you know what; I DO have a Mystery Shopper. He is with me every step of the way. He knows when I am struggling with food or with my attitude. I’m sure I disappoint Him over and over again.

“…And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20, NIV)

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39, NIV)

I guess I really just need to be more aware of His presence in my life. I don’t think He is there to condemn and make me feel guilty every time I mess up. His presence is meant to be a comfort.

Random Thoughts

It has been a busy, busy couple of weeks at work – and yesterday I just didn’t get a chance to blog. I almost missed my opportunity today, as well, but am FINALLY getting to it!

The other night at our guild concert, they took a couple of formal pictures, which were then posted on Facebook. The person taking the pictures tagged me – so all of my Facebook friends could check out that picture, even if they don’t know the person who posted the picture. A good friend up in Canada gave me the best compliment – he looked at the picture, and said he couldn’t find me! (I really wasn’t hiding – in fact, there were only nine women in the picture, and I was standing in the front row.) His comment made me smile for two days!

Yesterday was the Tenant Appreciation Lunch – put on by the owners of the building where I work. This year the theme was Mardi Gras – and a couple of co-workers and I arrived, we saw the photo booth, with no one waiting in line. I urged them to come with me and get our pictures taken – we dressed up with feather boas and just had fun. The cool thing is that we were in front of a green background, so when we were done, we could pick any background, and they would “place” us right in the picture. We chose a hot air balloon – and it looks like we are actually in it! I’ve had great fun showing it to everyone. I will see if I can scan it and post it to my blog (but it might be next week).

As we were eating, one of my co-workers commented on how different I was from the person at the lunch last year (with a luau theme). She said I didn’t even look at the photo booth last year, let alone want to have my picture taken. There has been quite a change in my attitudes in the past year: not just about pictures, but about many things – clothes, body image, and confidence, to name a few. I see this as a good thing.

TOMATO UPDATE: My big plant has ten, count them TEN, tomatoes. The grape plant has three tomatoes, but is loaded with blooms. Yummy, juicy tomatoes will be COMING SOON! And I intend to enjoy every one of them! OK, I might share, but I will eat the first one all by myself!

Clowning Around

I’m tired today, but it’s a good tired, the kind that comes from entirely throwing yourself into something and using up every bit of energy you have. Last night, the community chorus that both Dave and I sing in, had our spring concert. It was a lot of fun, but there was also a lot of work involved – practice every week, listening to and learning the music at home, carefully planning the extras to make this a very special concert, and providing desserts to go with our coffee house theme.

For our first song, we all dressed up as clowns, and sang a medley of “Be a Clown,” “When You’re Smiling,” and “Make ‘Em Laugh.” We wore funny hats, noses, and costume add-ons, and had an absolute blast singing that. It reminds me of my favorite job of all time. I had just finished my first year of college, and was looking for a job for the summer. My family was living in Canada at the time. I believe that I was looking at as many options as possible, and went the local Manpower to see what they had. They sent me on an interview, and I got the job! It was a program that went to local daycare centers, kindergartens, and early elementary school classes to educate the children on safety symbols: poison, flammable, explosive, and corrosive. We did this in two ways: a puppet show, and me being Pockets, the Clown, and handing out coloring books and stickers to all the kids. I LOVED being Pockets! We would often have two or three gigs a day and I would stay in costume the entire time. I had a government credit card and got to drive a government car! (There is nothing more fun than pulling into a service station in my government car and my clown costume and makeup!)

The best part of playing a clown is that the normal inhibitions and fears that make up my life go right out the window. When you are a clown, you can do anything, and the more outrageous, the better! And while I am much more likely than some people to do crazy things like skip in the mall or get up on stage, I still have many reservations about my body and my looks. It doesn’t matter what a clown looks like – there are no clown pageants or standards of beauty. No one gets upset if a clown has a poochy stomach or love handles.

Even though playing a clown is fun, it is not something I care to do 24/7. I like being a real person with real relationships and real conversations. I like to “clown around” with friends and family, but I also like to have depth in those connections. And I know that life is not always full of laughs – sometimes there are tears.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4, NIV)

Tomato Update

Last night I went out to water my tomato plants. The tomato plant with the regular size tomatoes (hereinafter called the “big plant”) has seven – that’s right! – SEVEN tomatoes on it. The grape tomato plant (the “little plant” – even though it is already taller than the “big plant”) has two tiny tomatoes on it. I’m so excited! My mouth is already watering for that first mater sammich…

It is amazing what the correct information and tools can do. A few short weeks ago, I would have told you that I couldn’t grow anything. Today, I’m cautiously optimistic that I will soon be eating tomatoes – from plants that I have nurtured and grown, with special thanks to the friend who supplied me with the plants, the containers, the tools, and most of all the knowledge to make it happen.

I must admit, when it comes to my tomatoes, I’m a little kid at heart. I examine them every day (OK, sometimes more than once a day). I look for new growth and new flowers, and especially new tomatoes! I carefully count them every day, hoping there will be more. It makes me wonder if God, who is the Ultimate Gardener, examines me that closely every day – looking for new growth and fruit in my life. Does He see that crop He wants to see? Is there new growth?

Making the changes in my diet has paid off, as well. I feel like I’m back on track – making progress every day. My Zumba DVD’s should arrive by the end of the week, and I look forward to adding that to my daily routine.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” (Galatians 5:22-26, NIV)

Cleaning Out the Closet

Well, yesterday I did it. I cleaned out my closet and my dresser. I was ruthless – getting rid of things that I either cannot wear, or will not wear. I was a little surprised at how emotional it was for me.

Gone are all of the things I bought for my birthday back in July. That was difficult. I haven’t worn them in months, but those were the first clothes I purchased on this journey. It meant something to me that I could fit into a size 24. Of course, now those pants literally fall off me, but it was difficult to put them in the bag. I have lost almost 60 pounds since I bought those clothes. Some of the tops I am getting rid of are some of my favorites, even from before surgery days. I told myself they looked OK, because they had ties or some way to make them look smaller, but in reality, even though I loved how I felt in them, they just don’t fit anymore.

I have been blessed tremendously with the generosity of people who have given me clothes. However, not everything I have been given is something I would actually wear. It doesn’t make sense to keep something that I’m not going to wear, even if I do appreciate the gift. So, all of those things went, as well. All told, I have three trash bags to get rid of.

I thought about my reluctance to get rid of these clothes, and it occurred to me that holding on to those keepsakes from my past is something I do often. I like to surround myself with the familiar, even if that isn’t good for me. I would rather have something familiar that is painful, than face the unknown that might bring tremendous joy. That is part of the reason I stayed nearly 10 years in an abusive marriage. It was a known entity. The world beyond that marriage was scary.

I think that might be part of the reason it took me so long to decide to take this journey. I didn’t like where I was physically, but what if I lost all of the weight, and STILL didn’t like where I was? All that work and it would be for nothing. Of course, I didn’t actually SAY that out loud, but it was in the back of my head, bubbling away, making the decision to DO something – anything – about my weight much more difficult. I am so glad that I finally stepped outside my comfort zone – to take the first step – and then the second step, and all the steps after that. I’m not at my final destination, but I am well on my way!

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24, NIV)

Honoring Mom

Sunday is Mother’s Day. While I look forward to spending time with my Mom on the day set aside to honor her, I would hope that she feels I honor her every day. She is one of my best friends, and I talk to her very nearly every day. Those days when circumstances prevent or shorten our conversation, it seems like something is missing.

For as long as I can remember, anytime anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said, “A wife and a mother.” Mom is a large part of that. She wasn’t a perfect mother, but she did make us feel that mothering was her most important job. She wanted both my sister and me to be strong, independent women. She wanted us learn the important lessons in life, even if that meant making decisions that weren’t popular with us. And she always loved us.

I felt as if our family was normal, until I got to high school and found out that several of my friends were physically or sexually abused. Others had no relationship with their mothers whatsoever. And I began to appreciate how blessed I truly was. All of my friends were welcomed into our home, and several called my parents, “Mom and Dad.” There was no topic of conversation prohibited in our home, even though some subjects made Mom uncomfortable.

Outside of honoring Mom, Mother’s Day is really hard for me, still. For years, I begged God to make me a mother. It didn’t happen. My sister seemed to get pregnant so easily, but I believe with all my heart that God’s answer was the best answer for me. I was in an abusive marriage, and offspring with that man would have made it harder for me ever to leave. Then, in 1990, my gynecologist diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome. That summer, he removed a ten-pound ovarian cyst. I suffered for many years with escalating problems, finally culminating in a total hysterectomy in 2002.

As much as I wanted children, physical problems kept it from happening. I felt like a failure as a woman, and as a daughter. I couldn’t give my Mom the coveted grandchildren. And Mother’s Day became a painful and tangible reminder of everything I wanted to be, and wasn’t. I struggled with this for many years – torn between wanting to venerate my Mom and later, my sister, (and now adding my niece), who are all so deserving as Moms – and pushing aside the pain and feelings of inadequacy in my heart. I think I have finally come to a place of acceptance, if not total peace about it. True, there are still moments when I feel the pain of never having a child, or a grandchild. But they are few and far apart, and when it hits me, I have learned to acknowledge the loss, maybe even cry a few tears, and then to let it go.

So, Mom thanks for being all you have been to me through the years: teacher, comforter, cheerleader, example, friend, confidante, and most of all, MOM.

Sonata Allegro

Sonata Allegro, Sonny for short, is my cat. I got him over 11 years ago, when he was an eight-week-old kitten. I told my husband that I needed more affection and cuddling, and if he wasn’t going to give it to me, then I wanted to get a cat. He said, “Let’s go the animal shelter.” OK, so it wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but I did succeed in getting something to snuggle. Of course, cuddling with Sonny is on HIS terms, and ONLY on his terms.

Sonny is not a small cat, and he is the undisputed King of the household. He permits us to wait on him, and he gets grumpy when things don’t go his way. (Hmmm, surely he doesn’t take after me????) He is mostly an indifferent despot, but occasionally will join in the spirit of things. (Out of fairness to the other animals in our home, Dave’s cat, Soto Voce, is the Crown Prince, and he doesn’t feel like he has to get excited about anything, so he doesn’t. Serafina, the Princess, is Sonny’s cat. She lives to antagonize Sonny, rubbing against him, following him around, pouncing on him if he doesn’t pay any attention. And then, there is Mozart, the parrot. He is, without question, the court jester – talking, laughing, making noise, and pouting when we aren’t paying attention to him.)

Unless I have hit the snooze button too many times, most mornings I check email and Facebook while I drink my coffee. And wouldn’t you know it – that is when Sonny wants attention. I guess it isn’t enough that my user name on most applications is a variation of his name. In his mind, that does not count as quality time together. I sit in my recliner, with my feet up, coffee cup at my elbow, and my laptop on my knees. Sonny almost always climbs onto my chest, right in the way, purring loudly. That isn’t comfortable for either of us for longer than a minute or two, so he has taken to settling in beside me in the chair. I absent-mindedly scratch behind his ears while I sip my coffee, check out who has a birthday today, and perhaps chat a minute or two with friends across the pond.

This morning it really hit me – he is sitting NEXT TO ME in the chair – NOT sitting on my side, or on the arm of the chair. He is quite comfortably sitting on the seat of the chair between my leg and the arm of the chair! I’m not sure exactly when that happened, but thinking back, he has been doing this for a while. WOW! I no longer wear my recliner. I just sit in it.

To all my friends who have never had to squeeze into a chair, this might not mean much. But to those who have had to try to fit into a chair with arms – or who have gotten bruises on their hips from the arms of a theater or arena seat – or who have declined invitations to events with theater seating because they know how uncomfortable they will be – I know you appreciate what I am saying. It’s not really about what I look like – it’s about being a “normal” size in relation to what manufacturers are making. Understand, my recliner is not a small, petite, demur piece of furniture. It is large and overstuffed – very comfortable, and at my biggest, I completely filled it. Now I can share it with my cat. And he is obviously comfortable sitting there, because Sonny doesn’t do ANYTHING that makes him uncomfortable.

This is one more step in the journey. Maybe tomorrow, to celebrate, I will just cuddle with Sonny. It will be good for both of us.

Big Changes

After months of planning, gathering documents, and negotiating in meetings behind closed doors, the news is finally out – my company is merging with another company. Because the other company is a publicly traded company, everything had to be done in secret so that no one could accuse either party of insider trading. I knew about it – because part of my job entails gathering the documents, making both digital and physical copies, and sending the information to the parties involved. Keeping a secret of that magnitude is difficult, especially when people asked me questions. Happily, I did not “let the cat out of the bag” but I sure am glad that it is out in the open now.

There will be many changes in our new company. One thing that is going to change is the dress code. For as long as I’ve worked here, the dress code has been casual. Even upper management has worn jeans or shorts (in the summer). We will now be business casual, with jeans on Fridays only. How cool is it that God has already provided me with several pantsuits, skirts, and dresses before I even knew I needed them! I do not mind this change – I have really enjoyed wearing the new-to-me clothes.

Another change is the cost of insurance. Currently, Dave is on my insurance, and we are paying over $700/month. We just received information about the increases with the current system that would have gone into effect June 1. Our premium was increasing $266/month to $974! In addition, all of the copays were going up – some as much as 47%. That means that I was working pretty much just to provide insurance. With the new company, again effective June 1, our insurance premium will be just $240/month, and all of the copays have gone DOWN! Plus, all of my current doctors are on the preferred list, so I do not have to make any changes. God is so good to me.

The changes in my lifestyle seem to be doing the trick. My weight continues to inch downward, so I am definitely on the right track again. I am exploring options for adding some more cardio to my regular exercise, so hopefully that will help as well.

“Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.” (I Corinthians 15:51, 52, NIV)

Change is not always a bad thing – even though most of us resist it strongly.

Something to Make You Smile

Someone sent this to me in an email:

As I was washing my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I was in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says “for extra volume and body”! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?!?

Tomorrow I am going to start using “Dawn” dish soap. It says right on the bottle, “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.” It pays to read the labels, my friends! I am also going to add “Downy Wrinkle Releaser” as a rinse!

While this made me smile – I have to concede that most people are looking for this kind of “magic” solution to their struggles with weight. We have all seen the advertisements for pills, shakes, and teas that promise a quick answer, not to mention the dozens of pre-packaged food plans or pieces of exercise equipment. But the truth remains, the things that are really important require work. If a relationship is important, you have to work to cultivate it and keep it healthy. If your job is important, you can’t just show up when (or if) you feel like it. And if losing weight is important, you have to work at it consistently, making a lifetime of healthy choices. If there really were a magic remedy, then there wouldn’t be anyone who was overweight.

Jehovah Jireh

This is one of the names used for God in the Old Testament. Literally, it means, “The Lord who will provide.”

One of my favorite passages of Scripture comes from Luke: “When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, ‘Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.’ Simon answered, ‘Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.’ When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink…Then Jesus said to Simon, ‘Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.’ So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.” (Luke 5:4-6, 10, NIV)

The best thing about this story is that God provided the answer before Simon (later called Peter) even knew there was a need! Think about it – Jesus is going to ask Peter to follow him, meaning that he would be leaving his family for a time – which turned out to be about three years. Peter had a responsibility to take care of his family – something he wouldn’t be able to do while he was travelling with Jesus. So Jesus provided the means, before He even asked Peter to leave everything.

Now, most people know a fisherman – and most fishermen are really good at telling stories about the fish they caught, or the “one that got away.” But Luke, the author of this booked named after him, was a physician. He spent a great deal of time checking facts and writing down the story as accurately as possible. I’m sure it was not just a “fisherman’s tale” when he said that both boats were so full they began to sink! What a catch. The fish could have been dried for personal use, or sold in the market for money. I don’t know what Peter’s wife must have thought when he described such a big catch, but then when he said he was going to travel with Jesus for an unspecified amount of time, there must have been some relief that provisions had been made.

I have been most blessed during my journey. At every stage, at every need, God has provided – using dear friends to give me clothes. I would estimate that about 98% of my wardrobe right now is hand-me-downs, and I love wearing the new-to-me clothes! Last night, I received another very large bag full of jeans, t-shirts, dresses, and shoes from one friend, and three beautiful pantsuits from another friend. And sometimes, God provides more than the things we need; sometimes He gives us the desires of our hearts. That happened for me last night, because in the bag, mixed in with the shoes, was a pair of cowboy boots. I know it sounds silly, but I have wanted a pair of boots FOREVER! I’ve told my husband that I wanted to save up and buy a pair, as soon as I thought I could find something that fit. I don’t really NEED cowboy boots, but I have WANTED them for a long, long time.

So, naturally, the very first thing I tried on out of this bounty was the boots – AND THEY FIT ME! I’m more excited about them than the lovely pantsuits, dresses, the jeans, the tops, or the t-shirts. I’m grateful for all of it, but the boots give me special joy.

I’m also happy to report that “shaking things up” appears to be working. I have cut back on the oatmeal – not eating it every day, and when I do, then I am cutting back on other things. I have been particularly careful about what I am eating at night, especially on those nights when Dave is gone. And my weight is down about six pounds from last Thursday.