Laughter Through Tears

I know, I know.  The very last thing I said I would do was blog – and then I haven’t.  I just haven’t.  I have to say that this has been a dark time in my life.  I want a job.  I have applied for dozens of jobs.  And I can’t get even a nibble.  I know I have the skills, but what I apparently lack is the right connection to take my application from the massive amounts of resumes submitted online to a real person’s desk.   But I trust that God is in control of this situation.

Still – it has been a rough few weeks emotionally.  Every day I have had to convince myself to get out of bed and get dressed.  Some days I even showered!  When I get depressed, I tend to withdraw, and because there are situations where I have to force myself to be in front of people – like church, and the choir concert, etc. – I expend a phenomenal amount of energy being “up.”  That leaves me completely drained when the event is over – so the depression deepens.  I don’t want to be around people…I don’t want to write…I don’t want to do anything.  Decorating the tree was particularly hard this year.  Normally, it is a time when we have friends over – we laugh – we listen to Christmas music – we reminisce over who gave each ornament.  This year, Dave helped me set the tree up – but I decorated it alone.  And it took me a while – because I kept crying.

However, I am HAPPY to announce that the house is decorated for Christmas (completely – although I did NOT do all that I have done in previous years).  The house is clean (mostly).  I have already worked on some goodies – although I am certainly NOT doing everything I have done in prior years.  The package, what little there was, has been sent to Canada, and should arrive any day.  And through this stress, I have not reverted to the one thing I feared the most – eating!  In fact, I have actually lost weight since losing my job.  I FINALLY broke the 200-pound mark – that I have been hovering around since February.  I am wearing size 16 jeans! 

During this time, God has shown His provision in a mighty way.  We have not gone without the basic necessities.  Through His beautiful people, He has touched our lives over and over again.  We have been blessed beyond belief – and continue to trust that He will provide, even when we don’t see the how.  Every time there has been a need, there has also been a way. 

And this year, more than ever before, Christmas is about the Baby lying in a manger.  Not about the decorations.  Not about the presents.  Not about the food, or getting together with friends and family, or about the concerts.  It’s about the BABY – and nothing else matters.

Stress is All Around!

It has been a stressful year.  My husband and I separated.  We reconciled.  He left his job.  He couldn’t find another job.  My Dad needed to have a pacemaker.  I sold my van.  A much bigger company purchased my company.  I bought a used car.  My car was stolen.  Several good friends were laid off.  Some beautiful people bought me another car.  I was laid off.  And that is just in MY life.  All around me, people were diagnosed with disease; friends lost loved ones; houses burned down; accidents happened.  Stress is all around every one of us.  Even though not all of these things are bad – they still have stress associated with them.

Different people have different ways of dealing with stress.  Some people turn to drugs or alcohol.  Some people take it to the gym – and pour it into exercise.  Some people turn to food.  I am one of the food people.  In my past – the more upset I am about something, the more I ate, and I wasn’t eating things that were good for me.  And I ate until I was the size of a house.

When I was laid off, I was afraid that I would turn to food.  And I must admit, there were a couple of times that I said to myself, “I should eat…”  But I am so very happy to report that I didn’t do it.  I had the thought, yes, but I immediately followed that thought with, “No – that won’t make me feel better.”  In the two weeks that I have been unemployed, I have actually lost a couple of pounds.  

Don’t get me wrong – I do not think I have arrived.  I believe I will always have to be conscious of what I am putting into my body.  But I do think I have turned a corner.  I haven’t turned to food this year – even though there has been a great deal of stress in my life.  I don’t know what 2012 will bring – but I do believe that I have the tools in place to deal with anything that happens.  

And my apologies for not blogging the last two weeks.  I was denied access to my computer at work, and had to get special permission to get this document from there.  I have it now, and I will continue to blog from here on out.

Through the Tears

She is so strong.  A young mother has faced a horrible illness.  She has pumped her body full of poison to remove the disease from her body.  But it came back, and now she is facing surgery that will removed the parts of her body that have been ravaged by this infirmity.  She has tried to be tough for her two young children, for her friends who don’t know what to say, and for her church family that has admired her grace through this unbearable ordeal.  But last night it was too much.  We pulled up next to her in the parking lot of the church building where our community chorus practices.  I knew just by looking at her that something was wrong, so as we simultaneously stepped out of our cars, I just opened my arms to hug her.  And this brave, beautiful, resilient woman collapsed into my arms and started sobbing.  My heart broke alongside hers as we shared tears. She cried until she didn’t have any more tears, her body shaking with pent up emotion.  Eventually we were joined by several other women in the chorus – all of us standing in the parking lot – supporting a sister who was hurting so much.

Afterwards, she repeatedly apologized for breaking down.  She said she has tried so hard to hold everything together.  Even in the middle of everything she is going through, she is thinking first and foremost of the other people in her life.  It is not an act – she knows God’s peace intimately – and trusts Him completely.  Still there are many emotions to dealing with a chronic, and potentially fatal, illness.  What will happen to her kids?  How can I explain this them?  Why is this happening to me? 

Our bodies were not made to hold in those feelings.  And while I admire and understand her desire to be strong for everyone else, I also know that to take care of herself, she needs somewhere safe to let those emotions out.  Last night, I was honored to be that place.  We talked for a long time after practice, and I encouraged her to continue to let those feelings out – whether it was with me or with someone else – because she cannot be strong for everyone else and focus on beating this at the same time. 

I have not faced this disease, so in some ways, I don’t understand.  But I have faced my own monsters, and done exactly what she has tried to do.  I put on my “church mask” – and smiled and said that everything was “fine” – when in reality all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I didn’t want to burden anyone – I was the person who always did for others.  How could I possibly ask anyone to do anything for me?  But God worked on my heart – and finally I was able to see that sometimes I need to accept humbly from other people – to give them the chance to reach out, and be useful, and to know that wonderful feeling of being there for someone else. 

My Dad has preached a series of sermons on what he calls the “one another” passages:

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”  (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV)

“Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.”  (Hebrews 13:1, NIV)

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds…” (Hebrews 10:24, NIV)

“Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.”  (Colossians 3:16, NIV)

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”  (1 Peter 3:8, NIV)

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.”  (1 John 4:7, NIV)

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  (Ephesians 4:32, NIV)

“Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.”  (1 Peter 5:14, NIV)

This is not a comprehensive list of the “one another” passages, but it is interesting to note that nowhere in any of these scriptures, does it say, “TERI these are only for you.”  These are given to everyone – and in order for me to fully obey them, I need to also let other people have the opportunity to respond.

In Sync

No, this blog isn't about boy bands.  It's about sharing a connection with someone.  Yesterday, Dave and I did something that we haven’t done since our wedding…we had professional pictures made.  I must say – for decades now, I have hated having my picture taken!  I hated the fuss – I hated the time it takes – and I really hated the results!  Slowly, my attitude is changing about all of that – and we decided that it was time friends and family had an updated photograph – that shows where we are right now.

A friend took the pictures at a beautiful location – a small, old-fashioned town near where we attend church.  He took pictures up and down the main street and on the nearby railroad tracks.  He is a phenomenal photographer – and has a remarkable eye.  He sent us the raw pictures last night – and asked us to pick three that we particularly liked – and he would work those for us so that we can send them as Christmas presents – then he plans to finish the rest as he has time.  This works perfectly for us.

He sent us 109 pictures – and we have to pick our three favorite poses!  He took several in the same pose – enough to give us a variety of choices.  Dave and I decided to each look at them separately – write down our favorites – and then compare notes.  We zeroed in on the same three pictures!  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this – it isn’t the first time that we have independently chosen the same thing from an assortment of options.  Maybe it comes from being married to someone for 17 years.  Maybe it comes from knowing the other person as well as we know ourselves.  All I know for sure is that something that could have taken several hours to compromise on – we finished in a matter of minutes. 

Fortunately, we have also had a “like mind” when it comes to this journey.  Both of us wanted me to be healthy, no matter what it took.  If that meant surgery, so be it.  If that meant changing opinions about what was a healthy amount of food, let’s do it!  If that meant learning to eat smarter, well, it’s part of the plan.  I think the changes in Dave’s mindset have been as dramatic as the changes in my brain.  Great things can happen when everyone is on the same page.

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, by sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.  On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”  (I Peter 3:8 – 9, NIV)

Getting Cold Feet

Autumn has come quickly to the Atlanta area.  We went from temperatures in the upper 70’s and low 80’s to low 40’s seemingly overnight.  And I’m getting cold feet – literally!  Several weeks ago, I quit wearing sandals and flip-flops, opting for Mary Jane sneakers and ballerina flats instead.  Yesterday, even that wasn’t enough.  My feet ached with the cold – and you could feel it through the sneakers if you put your hand on my foot.  So today, I’m in my winter boots.  My feet are still cold, but not the bone-chilling cold of yesterday.

Fall has always been my favorite season of the year.  I love the beautiful autumnal colors (and wish so badly that I was in New England or the mountains of Virginia right now.)  I love the cooler weather.  I love fall activities – hayrides and dressing up for Halloween and visits to the pumpkin patch.  I love the seasonal treats – apple cider, pumpkin pie, and chili.  And mostly, I love that the arrival of autumn means that the Christmas holidays are not far behind! 

I still love fall!  But I know that I need to get out my heavy sweaters right now – so that I can dress in layers.  I need to be smart about carrying a heavy sweater, jacket, or hoodie with me.  These are not my favorite things in the world to do – but they are part of my life right now.  So, I will continue to do them.

“Getting cold feet” often has another connotation – especially used when someone is backing out of a decision, like marriage.  My cold feet are very literal – and not at all used in this way.  I’m totally committed to this journey – cold feet and all!

I think it is a good thing that we don’t always know the total picture when we decide on a course of action.  If I had known all of Dave’s faults, or how grumpy he gets when he is sick, I might have had second thoughts before agreeing to spend the rest of my life with him.  If he had known about all of the surgeries and major illnesses I would have or that I am such a total slob – I KNOW he would have had second thoughts.  If I had known about being so cold so much of the time, I would have hesitated before my surgery.  I probably would have opted to have the surgery anyway, but I do get tired of being cold.

Totally Speechless

This has been an amazing weekend.  First of all, I got to see a wonderful friend for the first time in several years.  I picked her up at the airport.  She walked right past me.  I called out her name – and she stopped to look for me.  She scanned the crowd once, then again, and finally locked onto me the third time!  She knew my voice – but didn’t recognize me – even though she had seen pictures.  Reality is so much more powerful!  Then she teared up – we hugged.  She cried again, and we hugged.  Then we hugged and she cried again.  Later she told me that the last time she saw me, she was certain she would never see me again.  The heart failure was so severe, my color was gray, and I was so swollen from the excess fluid.  To see me standing there – vibrantly healthy – glowing complexion – well, she teared up every time she thought about it all weekend.  What a testimony to this journey!

Now for the speechless part.  Remember how my poor Lulu was stolen a couple of weeks ago?  A good friend allowed me to borrow his truck for a couple of weeks. That was such a blessing, because I didn’t have to rely on somebody else to take me everywhere.  But last night he called and said that he needed to come get his truck.  I was expecting this, but I have to say, my heart was heavy when I thought about going back to bumming rides from everyone.  I was tired from the weekend – and already in my nightgown – so I asked Dave if he would go out and thank our friend profusely, and explain that I was pretty tired.

After a couple of minutes, Dave came back in the house – and told me I needed to get dressed and come outside but he wouldn’t tell me why.  I throw on a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans over my nightgown, and head out.  The friend (who sings in Dave’s gospel quartet) and another friend (who also sings in the quartet) are standing there.  They said that they had received word from my insurance adjuster about my car.  I replied there wasn’t any insurance on it – other than liability.  They hand me an envelope – and said it wasn’t right that Lulu got stolen, and they had talked to people in the church (where Dave had his ministry) – and people in our new church – and people in my Dad’s church.  They had all gotten together, and purchased a car for me.

In the envelope were two sets of keys – the title – and all of the paperwork to a 1992 Buick Park Avenue, with 139,000 miles on it.  She’s a light tan color, inside and out.  There is one tiny ding in it – but you wouldn’t even see it if you weren’t looking for it.  The interior is spotless and in great condition.  She has a rebuilt engine (one of the cylinders was missing – as in not firing, not as in gone – so they replaced it.) 

I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry!  (I think I did both!)  I hugged them – and said, “Thank you” – but it sure didn’t seem like enough.  I am completely overwhelmed by this incredibly generous gift!  They said I needed to take it for a spin, so I drove Dave to quartet rehearsal.  And then I went immediately to buy “The Club.”  There is NO WAY I want anything to happen to this car!

These friends said that having THE CLUB installed would probably be enough deterrent to keep anyone from trying to steal this one.  Thieves are looking for something very fast to break into – and dealing with The Club would take too much time. 

I still don’t know what to say.  I’m humbled by such an enormous display of kindness and love.  I’m grateful to know people who care so deeply.  So, to anyone and everyone who had any part at all in this, I can only say, “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!”  You mean the world to me.

The Club - $35; ¼ tank of gas - $10; having your own set of wheels – and friends who are generous beyond belief – PRICELESS! 

Times of Change

It is time for a change, and for me, this is a big one.  When I first started riding on the vanpool, I quickly started riding shotgun in the passenger seat up front.  I was so big that I didn’t fit into the seats in the back, and I had a difficult time getting in and out of the van in the back.  Unlike the front passenger seat, there is no handle to assist getting in and out – and I could not just step in.  Since no one seemed especially interested in the front seat – I started using it – and have done so for the four years I have been riding.

We recently added a new rider, who struggles with motion sickness.  I’m glad to give up my seat to make her ride a little more comfortable – and ecstatic that the reason I first began sitting up front no longer exists!  I fit easily into the bench seats in the back – and can swing up into the van with ease.  (OK, maybe “with ease” is a slight exaggeration – my knees are old and rickety – but it is no longer related to my weight!) 

What a joy it is to be in a position where I can make a choice for someone else’s benefit – without balancing that against my very real incapacities.  Two years ago, even though I would have WANTED to make this woman’s ride more comfortable – I would not have been able to ride in the back.  I might have tried to that anyway – but it would have meant extra time getting in and out of the van – which ultimately, would have delayed everyone else on the van from getting to where he or she needed to be.

This is a non-scale victory that I am truly celebrating! 

I Got the Nothing is Changing Fast Enough to Suit Me Blues

I got the blues.  Nothing serious.  Just tired of staying where I am (on the scales) blues.  I can talk a good talk about being patient – and how plateaus are part of the journey – but the truth is, I’m not finished with this journey – and I want to get where I’m going so badly!

I figured that I would stop losing eventually.  I had just hoped that it would be later rather than sooner – and much closer to my eventual goal.  I have tried changing things up – getting back to the basics.  Increasing the exercise.  I stubbornly stay within 2 or 3 pounds.  Gain a little – lose a little – over and over and over again.  I have said that if I stay where I am, I will be content – but deep in my heart of hearts, I know that isn’t true. 

A friend wrote the other day that “fat people are NOT happy with their bodies” – no matter what they say.  As a fat person – I have to agree with her.  I want to wear the cute clothes – I don’t want to have any hang ups about what I look like – I WANT to be free from all of the stuff surrounding obesity. 

There was a Dr. Phil show the other day where a mother who had struggled for decades with her weight was trying to keep her young adolescent daughter from going through the same thing – and frequently put her on celery and water diets to achieve that end.  She couldn’t see that the message she was sending her daughter centered wholly on what she looked like – and not anything on the kind of person she was becoming.  I know that what I look like is not THE thing.  Who I am on the inside is far more important.  But the inside is wrapped up in the outside – and even though I have lived much of my life separating the two – in reality, it is difficult to detach one from the other.

The good thing about the blues?  Admitting to them often allows other people express that they are feeling the same thing.  And knowing that I’m not alone really does make a difference.  It also helps knowing that the blues are not the destination – just a brief stop on the journey!

Apologies

I have had several people mention (or complain) that I haven’t been blogging as regularly as I should.  This cracks me up!  This little exercise means more than just me working through my demons with food and weight.  Other people are not only interested, but really seem to care about what I have to say!  (What cracks me up is not that other people are concerned – just that anything I could say would matter.)  My apologies to everyone.

But, it DOES matter.  I stay on track better when I’m blogging.  If I know I’m going to write about something – I pay more attention to it.  And as my life continues to be crazy busy, it is also a way to keep in touch with dear friends.  So, I am renewing my efforts on the blogging front. 

Part of the problem is that there is nothing new to report on the weight front.  I continue to maintain, which is GREAT!  But I am not dropping any more weight.  I don’t seem to be dropping inches either.  I’m not complaining about that, but just stating a fact.  I’m at a great place, but it isn’t a DIFFERENT place.

No news on my Lulu (the car that was stolen a couple of weeks ago).  At this point, I really don’t expect to hear anything, unless she is in an accident – or involved somehow in a crime.  My heart hurts over that, but I stomped around for a while in anger.  I went swimming in the pity pool.  And now I’m moving on.  I can’t change anything – I can’t bring her back, so what else can I do?  I still do a double take when I see an older white car – but in my heart, I know she’s a lost cause.

I have been thinking recently, more than ever before, about what I would do if I had the money to have some plastic surgery.  Truthfully, it is probable that having the surgery to reduce my arm flab, and the extra stuff around my middle, hips, and thighs would take off enough weight to get me very close to my goal.  Those are pounds that may not come off any other way.  Still – I have come far – and I have no regrets about my choices to date.  I don’t know what the future holds, although I can safely say that the immediate future will not have this kind of surgery.  Am I skinny?  Far from it.  Am I healthy?  Much healthier than I have been for most of my adult life.  It’s a good place to be. 

Thinking About Things

It seems that nearly everywhere I turn – there are advertisements for costumes for Halloween.  And even though I am NOT in the market to buy a costume, it has occurred to me that this year, for the first time in my adult life – I could actually fit into something that was not “plus-sized.”  The possibilities are endless – a fairy tale character – something from a movie – a princess – an astronaut!  This year, unlike so many prior years, I have a wealth of choices.

Now, I must confess that I love dressing up in a costume!  My employer allows us to dress up at work.  My favorite costumes are the ones that are homemade.  One year, I took an old t-shirt – and attached empty, individual-sized cereal boxes.  Each box had a plastic knife through it.  I dripped fake blood around the knives and down the t-shirt – and went as a “Cereal Killer.”  GROAN!  (Oh, the pun-ishment!)  But I got a lot of laughs that year.  One year I took a clear plastic dry cleaner’s bag – made a hole for my head and my arms – stuffed it with small, different colored balloons - sealed the bottom of the bag – and went as a bag of jellybeans.

If I dress up this year, I will most likely make my own costume – again!  But having the choices available…that is DEFINITELY another non-scale victory.  It is the difference between having two or maybe three different crayons at a restaurant (typically, blue, red, and yellow – or sometimes green) and having the great big box of 128 different colors to choose from!  I can do a lot with two or three crayons – but you should see what I can do with all of them! 

Whatever I decide to do – I will post a picture.  Maybe I will do something to reflect this journey I am on – something that shows the before and after…the choices are endless!

Dealing with Emotions

Today, I am dealing with nearly every negative emotion known to humans:  rage, sadness, disbelief, fear, and anxiety.  What could possibly be causing this?  My beloved Lulu – the car I bought six weeks ago – was stolen yesterday.

As usual, I parked it in the same exact spot I always use when I catch my vanpool.  When the van pulled into the parking lot last night – Lulu was gone!  My first thought was that my husband had moved it for some reason – and I called him to verify that.  He hadn’t.  (Occasionally, this sweet man has been known to fill up my car.)  My next call was to the police – where I completed a report over the phone.  No broken glass – nothing seemed out of the ordinary in the parking lot – except that my car, which was SUPPOSED to be there, WASN’T!  By this time, I was shaking so badly that I had trouble assimilating what the police officer was saying.  I understood enough to realize that the officer wasn’t holding out much hope that I would get her back.  She was an easy mark; as an older car – she didn’t have any kind of anti-theft or alarm system.  The officer said that she was either taken for someone to use it for a crime – and then abandon, or taken for parts.  The older cars are being targeted because more people are now driving older cars, and parts are increasingly difficult to find.  She was in good condition – so either way, she would be useful.  He told me to report back to them immediately if I somehow found the car (if I found it – and didn’t clear the “stolen” status – and they pulled me over – it would be with guns drawn.)  Then he told me to go home, call my insurance and file a claim (which I did).  Because Lulu wasn’t worth much monetarily, we only had the minimum insurance on her to keep her legal.  And they would be in touch if for any reason they “found” my car.

I held it together pretty well last night.  But today – I feel so violated.  It isn’t the money, although where we are right now, the money we spent for her is a LOT!  It’s really about what that car meant to me – freedom, independence, and the ability to come and go as I please.  Having been without those things for so long, I appreciated them more than I most people do.  And now, because there are people in this world who don’t care about anybody but themselves, those intangible ideas have been snatched away from me again. 

Still, there is good from this, too.  I wasn’t in or near the car.  I wasn’t harmed physically in any way.  As of this moment, I have no reason to think that anyone else was harmed.  Friends have been incredibly supportive after finding out about this.  One friend loaned me a truck, “for as long as I need it.”  I have found out that there are a number of other people who have gone through this – I’m certainly not alone.  Losing the car and the money we put into it hurts, but is not something that will kill us – so it has to make us stronger, right? 

I’m still mad – and sad – and afraid.  But those are normal sentiments when something like this happens.  And while I have acknowledged these feelings, I have not used them as an excuse to eat.  As much as Lulu meant to me, the car is not worth losing ground on this journey! 

I'm Crossing It Off My List of Goals!

I went to the doctor on Tuesday for routine blood work and my annual flu shot.  My doctor called me last night – personally – to go over my test results. Usually when a doctor calls, it isn’t good news, but this time was different!  He was delighted to inform me that everything he checked was well within “normal” ranges:  cholesterol, thyroid, kidney function, potassium, etc., etc.  The only exception was my uric acid level (that nasty thing that causes gout), which was slightly elevated at 7.2 and they want it under 7.0.  When they measured this back in June, it was 12.2 – and they immediately put me back on the medication to control it.  So it has come down significantly, and the doctor decided to let it ride as is to see if it comes down the rest of the way. 

This report, coupled with the great news from the heart doctor back in July, tells me that I have accomplished my main goal with the weight loss surgery – that is, to get healthy.  For at least the last decade, but if I’m honest, for a lot longer than that, I have been absolutely unhealthy.  Problems with diabetes, cholesterol, kidney function – well, the list goes on and on.  So, I am crossing this off my list!  Get healthy – CHECK!

Of course, I am well aware that this is not something you can do once and forget about it.  Staying healthy means continuing to make good choices.  But having this great news just encourages me to keep making those choices.  I am SO excited!  I have made real changes and it has affected every part of me.  So, many thanks to everyone who has supported me with encouragement and advice, and has kept me focused on my main goal.

“They tell of the power of your awesome works—and I will proclaim your great deeds.  They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.  The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”  (Psalm 145:6-8, NIV)

Back to Work

We made it safely to Florida, and safely back.  I was tired when we got back on Thursday afternoon.  I was really glad I had planned to take off Friday as well – because I spent all day Friday and Saturday just doing nothing.  I’m still a little tired this morning, but nothing out of the ordinary for a Monday.

I did not get to weigh while I was gone, but I cannot begin to express how happy I was that my weight Friday morning (after I got back) was down 1.4 pounds from when I weighed the day we left!  Despite eating out (while on the road) – and being out of my “zone” (making it more difficult to drink the water I should drink, and to get enough rest in a strange bed) – I made good choices!  I can do this!

It was a little weird being the youngest person in the entire state of Florida.  OK – that might be a little exaggeration – but I certainly didn’t get to spend any time with people my age or younger.  My aunt lives in a senior’s trailer park.  It was nice to get back home – and be the OLD person around!

While we were gone – someone said to me, “If your bottom ever catches up with your top, you will be skinny!”  I’m almost certain that was meant as a compliment, but the comment really bothered me.  And then, I was really, really bothered that it mattered so much.  I have said all along that I was not doing this to be a certain size or to get down to a certain weight.  My motivation at every step of this journey has been to improve my heart and my health.  So why would I care if someone else thinks I’m skinny?  My heart and my health ARE improving.  I am meeting my goals.

I guess if I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that I DO care what I look like.  And while “being skinny” is NOT my focus, I want to look nice.  I want other people to think that I look nice.  I want my “bottom to catch up with my top.”  I guess I want it all.

Getting Ready for Vacation

I am going on vacation.  Sadly, I am going without Dave.  Happily, I am going with my Mom.  I am going to be the chauffeur in “Driving Miss Daisy.”  OK – in reality, “Driving the Two Miss Daisies.”  I’m taking my Mom and her sister-in-law down to see a sister in Florida.  Mom wanted to go see this sister.  I didn’t want her to drive all that way by herself.  I have vacation time I have to use or I will lose.  Dave doesn’t get any vacation time right now – and we can’t afford for him to take time off work without pay.  So, the reality is – I have to go without him.

My Dad says that there wasn’t this much planning for D-Day!  My Mom and I have been on the phone together.  My Mom and her sister and have been on the phone several times.  My Mom and her sister-in-law have talked quite a bit.  And then, just in case we haven’t covered everything – the rest of the family has been informed, too. 

And I’m making my infamous lists.  (Turns out that IS hereditary, by the way.  My Mom is making lists, too.)  Lists for what I  will bring; lists for what I have left to do both at work and at home before I can leave (and, yes, that DOES still include packing); and lists for just the general things.

I’m truly looking forward to some chillaxing time.  Down near Miami, it is still beautiful weather.  I plan on spending time at one of the three pools available where my aunt lives.  I plan on reading several books.  I do not plan on doing anything I do not have to do!  (Don’t worry, Mom – I will remember how you raised me, and I will do dishes, and make up my bed every day while we are there.) 

I’m thankful that I am able to do this for my Mom – to take her where she wants to go.  This trip begins with a number of small steps – decide when to go, decide the route we will take, decide to spend the night each way – so the trip is not too tiring on any of us, programming the GPS.  None of these things are huge in themselves, but leaving any of them out would mean problems down the road (literally).  Of course, there is no guarantee that something won’t come up – but we are as prepared as we can possibly be, for all foreseeable issues.

My journey is similar.  It is made up of small steps that ultimately bring me to victory:  stay hydrated, get enough sleep, and make smart food choices, exercise.  None of that guarantees success, but they all work together.  Did I make all these changes at once?  Absolutely not!  Am I consistently doing all of these things?  For the most part, I would say, “Yes” (although I really need to work on the getting enough sleep step).  I’m not perfect at this though, and I have a suspicion I never will be.  But I have the tools in place, and I am using them.  (I most likely will not get to weigh every day while we are down there.  I’m really hoping to come back weighing less than I did when left – I would call that a resounding triumph!)

It's Really Happening!

It has been a long time.  I got down to 240 pounds back in March.  In April, I finally hit 235 pounds – which was the magic number of 200 pounds gone!  And since that time I have fluctuated up somewhere between 5 – 7 pounds.  I have worked very hard on not being depressed by that!  I have upped my exercise.  I have done what I thought I needed to do.  I had even resigned myself to staying at this weight.  It’s not really where I WANT to be – but it is so much better than where I WAS BEFORE!  And I was OK with that, even if I wasn’t entirely happy.  For the last two weeks, there has been steady, if not dramatic, progress in the right direction.  Just a few ounces each day – and I have to admit, I was afraid to look at it as progress.  Today, I am back down to those 235 pounds. 

Plateaus are the most difficult thing for me on this journey.  The early weeks and months of rapid weight loss are long gone.  I knew that would happen.  I went further than most on that segment of my trek.  (According to the doctor, it was reasonable for me to expect to lose about 60% of the weight I needed to lose in the first year following surgery.  I lost over 70%.)  It doesn’t mean that I CAN’T lose any more weight – but the mechanics are very different. 

To reach my goal, I still have about 55 more pounds I want to get rid of.  It may take me a long time to get there.  I may have to shake things up – varying my exercise – and my food choices.  But I am as committed to this goal as I was back when I first decided to have the surgery.  I don’t have to be on anyone else’s time frame.  This is my body – and my health – and if it takes me two years to get where I am going, I will be OK with that.  Even small progress is better than standing still – or going backwards!

One thing does amaze me, though.  I do not have to be at the END of my journey to help someone else on his or her journey.  I have NOT arrived - but I have reached out to people in very different stages on their journey.  I don't think I have all wisdom - or all the answers - but people seem to be sincerely asking my opinion and advice.  And helping someone else ultimately helps me.  It reaffirms my commitment.  It helps me be patient with the plateaus (it is really hard to advise others they have to be patient with their plateaus, if I'm tearing my hair out because of my own plateau).  It makes me more aware of the food choices I make - because someone might be watching me - not in a creepy, accusing, "caught you" way - but they see me doing something right and it helps them make good choices.

 

Pondering the Cat Hairs

Most days I don’t even notice.  When you are a cat lover, cat hairs are just part of the love.  But today I’m wearing a white hoodie – and my Sonny’s dark gray hairs show up rather prominently.  I would like to believe that each of those hairs represents the special bond that I have with Sonny.  As I sip my morning coffee, and perhaps jump on the computer to see who has a birthday – or who has sent me a message – he snuggles up next me – rubbing and purring – just because he loves me.  He has to get his “Teri fix” because I’m going to be gone all day long – and leave him to sleep – or yuck up hairballs – or whatever else he does to while away the lonely hours.

But in reality – I know that he is rubbing against me more to “stake his claim” than to show his love.  This is MY human – all other animals had better back off!!!  That includes the service dog at my office.  That includes various and other animals I may or may not come in contact with.  And trust me, if I so much as think about petting one of them – I will get the third degree when I get home.  He will jump on me and sniff every inch of my body and my clothes – all the while glaring at me as if I were nothing more than a working girl selling herself to anyone who so much as wags a tail in my direction. 

That’s the thing about loving a cat – the LOVE part is pretty much one-sided.  I know it – and I accept it – and we get along just fine.  He sees me as a source of food – or rubbing – or a clean litter box – and MY affection for him plays well into the grand scheme of things (that would be HIS scheme for world domination!  If ONLY he would use his powers for good and not evil.)

This is an odd blog, I admit.  But it occurs to me that my previous relationship with food was much like my relationship with Sonny – completely one-side.  Food doesn’t care about me – it doesn’t love me – it doesn’t want good things for me.  Food is an object, incapable of any kind of emotion, yet I tried to treat it like a best friend or an intimate lover.  I was the total loser in that association.  Thank goodness, I have come to my senses!

OK - REALLY??

“Sumiller said he found no human remains when he induced the captured crocodile to vomit.”  This is a direct quote taken from an article detailing the capture of a one-ton, 21-foot crocodile in the Philippines.  (http://hypervocal.com/news/2011/what-a-croc-one-ton-beast-nabbed-in-philippines/ ) I don’t know about you, but this raises some serious questions for me. 

While I understand the fear that such a creature could cause, I’m not sure that I want to be on the business end of capturing it.  And even if I DID capture it – I’m VERY SURE I don’t want to be the one who induces said crocodile to vomit.  How exactly does one go about making a crocodile vomit?  If the gag reflex on a crocodile is anything like a human’s, that means something has to be inserted into the crocodile’s mouth, far enough down its throat to cause it to first gag, and then vomit.  Presumably, that something is attached somewhere to a human arm?  Definitely not going there!  And then someone actually has to sift through the barf to determine if anything is human.  YUCK!

I suppose that the knowledge that this particular crocodile is not a man-eater (or at least a RECENT man-eater) is a good thing, but that just leads to more questions for me.  If this one isn’t responsible for recent disappearances, then what is?  And if there is another one out there, who is going to capture that one? 

Facing My Fears!

I’m afraid of heights.  I don’t like the queasy feeling I get in my stomach when I look down.  I break out into a cold sweat, and I sometimes have difficulty breathing.  It doesn’t matter where I am, on a mountain, in a glass elevator, on top of a tall building – I just don’t like heights. 

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to confront that fear head-on.  Some time back in the spring, I won tickets from a local radio station to Stone Mountain Park.  The tickets were good for just about everything – and yesterday, we went with a couple of friends to the park.  It was a drizzly kind of day – but that kept the crowds away.  We had a blast exploring to our hearts’ content – and did very nearly everything we wanted to do.  One of the things that I particularly wanted to do was the Skyhike.  This is a quarter mile adventure course that takes place up in the air.  There are three levels:  the 12-foot high trail for beginners, the 24-foot high trail for intermediates, and the 40-foot high trail for the truly courageous.  Given that it was a little wet (and therefore slick) and that I REALLY don’t like heights, I opted for the 12-foot trail.  This is a series of platforms built in a large circle, with various beams, ropes, etc. strung between the platforms.  The person negotiating the trail is in a harness that is secured into a track system above the trail.  There is enough slack that a misstep will cause a fall of somewhere between one and two feet. 

My first section wasn’t too bad.  There are two choices at every platform – and I chose the solid plank with handholds across.  The second section was a little scarier – a solid plank with nothing to hold onto – or two cables that had vertical cables to grab as you walked across.  I chose the cables – and after the second step, I was ready to quit.  Those cables bounce and move, and feel quite unsteady beneath your feet!  But I made it across that section, and eventually across the rest of the sections.  To my delight – I didn’t slip once!  (Maybe yoga HAS improved my balance!)  When I stepped off the trail, I cannot begin to describe the relief, but also the pride in that I faced something that has always bothered me – and did this anyway!  I was pouring sweat, my heart was racing, and I was shaking and taking gulps of air – but I DID IT!

There was another set of fears that I faced on this trail – and those were the fears I have long struggled with as an obese person:  will I fit?  Will it hold me?  Maybe I shouldn’t even try it.  Nobody else in my party wanted to do this with me, so I went by myself up to the person who was strapping on the harnesses and told her that I had recently dropped a lot of weight but I still wasn’t sure if the harness would fit.  She smiled and explained that not only did it fit, but also she would have to tighten it quite a bit to make sure that it would be safe.  She didn’t seem to have any qualms about the structure holding me.  I’m really glad I didn’t have to test it – but I think I was well within the parameters for weight.

There is something immeasurably empowering about facing a fear – and overcoming it.  I DID IT!  (And the friends with me took pictures to prove it – which I will post as soon as I get them!  The picture I DID post is from the Stone Mountain website, and shows one of the sections.)  I proved to myself that not only can I face a fear, but I can conquer my fear.  Do I want to do this again?  Not necessarily.  I’m not addicted to the adrenalin rush.  I’ve made my point.  I’ve faced my fear.  But if I were in a group of people who wanted to do it, I know that I COULD do it.  And bit by bit I’m chipping away at those voices in my head that tell me I’m too fat…I made a memory – I had fun – and I’m glad I did it!

I'm Sad Today

So many things that happen in our lives are outside of our control.  Today one of those life events hit several people that I have come to care for very deeply.  Ten people at my work were laid off – unexpectedly.  Well, I say unexpectedly, but the truth is, after a merger, it really isn’t all THAT unexpected.  Two departments were duplicated elsewhere in the parent company, and because of that duplication, these departments were let go.  When you see people nearly every day for ten years, they become like family, and their departure hurts, no way around it.

I wondered if something was going on.  Yesterday, there was someone here from the HR department of the parent company, and she was behind closed doors with our HR person.  I saw them carrying a stack of file folders, which today I know represented the people who were going to be terminated.  I’m not proud when I say that I spent much of the night worrying if my name was on that list – or that felt a tremendous relief when I realized that my job is safe, for now, anyway.

So this has been a very stressful couple of days.  Did I worry?  Yes.  Did I pray?  Absolutely – pretty much all night long.  And here’s the big question:  Did I turn to food for comfort?  Or to forget?  Or to ease the pain?  I DID NOT!  A couple of times I thought about food – but ultimately I remembered that I would not feel better if I stuffed my face.  The fears would not go away; the pain would not diminish.  And I triumphed!  At any other point in my life, the FIRST place I would have turned would have been the refrigerator or the pantry.  Last night, I didn’t eat anything more than I would have normally eaten.  HURRAY!  Maybe, just maybe, I’m getting the hang of this.

When I came in this morning, I was resigned to whatever happened, although I must admit that I was expecting to be laid off.  I believe that my God is BIGGER than this – and that He will take care of me, even when I don’t see how that is possible.  He knows my needs – long before I’m even aware of them, and He loves me enough to take care of those needs, in His way and in His timing!  So, I was braced for the worst, and I know that if it had come, He would be there right beside me – all the way through it to the other side. 

My heart aches for those people who were dismissed today.  I believe that our company did everything they could to ease things for these people:  A decent severance package; information and contacts on finding new jobs; and assuring them that this wasn’t anything concerning job performance.  That doesn’t make it any easier for these people – and I am surrounding them with prayers, as they make this transition.  Their lives were turned upside down in a matter of minutes.  They have to pick up the pieces.  They have to file for unemployment, look for a new job, and wonder about things like finances and insurance in very difficult economic times.  For those of still here, we have been instructed to go about our business as usual, without congregating and working the “rumor mill.”  And we have been forcibly reminded that there are no guarantees, so I imagine that we will all be working a little harder – and looking over our shoulders a little more.

Looking Good!

Yesterday was one of those days when I looked good, and I could feel it – all the way from my head to my toes.  There wasn’t anything spectacular about the outfit I wore.  I’ve worn it before.  But it fits nicely, the colors are MY colors, and I just feel good in the outfit:  black pants, a fitted blouse in various shades of blue and teal, a tiny black belt, and sparkly earrings that matched the blues and teals.  It must have shown, because I had at least a dozen people at church ask if I had lost more weight.  Truth is, I’m faithful about weighing every day.  So I know that my reality is that I have maintained, within two or three pounds, for several months now.

My guess is that this outfit highlighted the effects of the foundation garments I have started wearing.  They are not necessarily the most COMFORTABLE articles of clothing, but they do their job quite well (hence the various comments about my weight).  And I have become acclimated the extra layer of clothing and the feeling of having everything tucked into a neat package – no lumpy love handles, no unsightly overhang, and no bulges anywhere.  Pants or jeans slip on easily and I don’t have to “suck it in.”  Dresses and skirts slide on and drape beautifully.  This “shaper” has become a regular part of my wardrobe.  I like the silhouette it gives me, and I cannot imagine going without it.  In my not too distant past, I really would have laughed aloud if you told me that I was going to wear a girdle – or that I was going to like it.  I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.

It took a little bit of time to get used to the feel of this undergarment.  As an obese woman – I can tell you COMFORT was my number one goal.  I didn’t want anything tight – I didn’t want anything binding – and I really didn’t want anything that was going to make me hot.  I figured I wasn’t going to look good in anything anyway – so it didn’t really matter, right?  (OK, I will be the first to admit that attitude was pure laziness.  There are things that I could have worn that would have looked much better than what I DID wear, but I certainly wasn’t going shopping for those things.  And I certainly wasn’t going to give up the comfortable, loose, flowing garments for anything else.)  Granted, my choices have definitely expanded  - there are many more cute, fitted clothes for someone wearing a medium or a large, than there are for someone wearing a 4x or 5x – but my opinions have also expanded, and I’m now willing to put a whole lot more effort into finding something that looks good.

I had an important life conversation with a close friend yesterday.  She has also struggled with weight issues.  The conversation was about how much of life we missed simply because we were overweight: the clothes we didn’t wear, the places we didn’t go, the things we didn’t enjoy, and the memories we didn’t make.  What a waste – to allow something like a WAIST to govern my choices about life.  Sometimes, that couldn’t be helped.  There are still places that refuse to make any accommodations for  obese people.  Many, many more times though, the barrier was in my head – staring at my image in a mirror, refusing to go or do or be because I was too fat.  How sad!

My new resolution is to live every single minute of every single day for the rest of my life!  To try new things, without regard for what I think other people might think of me.  To wear that bathing suit and go to the beach just because it makes ME feel good.  Never again to allow my weight to be the barrier that keeps me from doing something I want to do!

My Lulu

I have named my new (to me) car, Lulu.  In the past, my cars have all had cute names, like Betsy.  But the Century isn’t nearly as dainty as my previous cars, so I needed something a little more substantial.  (Why name my cars at all, one might ask?  Well, it has been my experience that my cars run better if I talk to them, and it is so much more informal when I can actually call them by name.  I know that some of my readers are rolling their eyes at this, but, my car, my idiosyncrasies.  HA!)

There are things we take for granted with newer cars, that I didn’t even realize.  The first thing that I missed?  A cup holder.  And not just ANY cup holder…I carry a water bottle with me nearly everywhere I go.  It’s bigger than most cups – so I need some place to hold it safely.  There isn’t ONE CUP HOLDER in the entire car.  That is quite a change from my Odyssey – if I am counting correctly there were fourteen cup holders – an average of two per seat. 

Another thing I find amusing is that there is no CD player.  I do have a cassette player, but I haven’t tried it out yet.  I’ll have to go look for a cassette to play.  It’s been a long time since I’ve played a cassette tape – but at least it isn’t an 8-Track tape!

I have this weird seat belt in the middle of the front seat.  HUH?  Oh wait, the front seat isn’t bucket seats – it is a split bench seat.  And there is a seatbelt in the middle, just in case someone decides to sit there.  I do need to do a little work on this, though – the belt seems to be hooked under the passenger seat somehow. 

The thing I will probably miss the most, though, is remote entry.  Yep, I have to UNLOCK THE DOOR WITH MY KEY.  And this is an old-fashioned key set – square key for the ignition, round key for the doors and trunk.  It’s been a long time since I had to try to remember which key to use.  I am so afraid that I will push the button to lock the doors, and leave my keys in the car.  Right now, we only have one set of keys (I hope to remedy that this weekend).  I am making a conscious effort to have the keys in my hand when I lock the door.  You can be sure I will blog about it if (when) I do lock my keys inside!

Having said all of this, though, I must say that I think Lulu and I are going to be good friends.  She runs like a dream.  Her body doesn’t have a scratch or a dent.  The interior needs a good vacuuming, but is otherwise pristine.  I can live with her minor flaws, if she can live with mine. 

So, last night I decided to “trick out” my car.  OK, OK – that term conjures images of lights under her carriage, spinner wheels, custom paint jobs, and loud mufflers.  While I WISH I could do some of that (especially the cool lights everywhere), my budget only allowed me to purchase a few inexpensive accessories.  First, I got a console organizer.  This is a soft side square that will fit either on the floor between the front seats or on the seat beside me.  There are pockets that will serve as cup holders, a place for my sunglasses, and various and sundry other pockets.  I bought a windshield reflector that has pretty flowers on it (she needs some feminine accessories, after all).  And I bought air fresheners – both a stand-alone (which fits beautifully in one of the console pockets) and small fresheners that clip on the vents. 

Sometimes, the older things in life are good things.  Lulu doesn’t have the bells and whistles I could get on a newer car, but she is dependable and sturdy.  She will get me from Point A to Point B.  I hope we have a long and happy life together.  

Of Shoes, and Rides, and Football

OK, I admit it; this is going to be a crazy blog.  The only thing these topics have in common is that I have enjoyed all three of these things this past week.

Of shoes,…I have never been Imelda Marcos.  I have a few pairs that I wear OFTEN, and I wear them out.  But I bought new shoes this past weekend.  Actually, I bought a pair, and a dear friend bought me another pair (same shoes, different color.)  They are sweet little flats – with ruffles across the toe.  They look good with jeans or a dress.  And they make me smile.  This is a HUGE change from the men’s shoes I wore when I was at my biggest, and my feet were constantly swollen.

Of rides,…the new (used) car is back from the shop!  I doused the inside with Febreeze, not once, but twice, to get rid of the musty, old car smell.  And then, I went out…just because I could!  First, I went to a football game…

Of football,…I love football.  I like it better in the cool autumn evenings, but even on a hot day in August, I enjoy watching a game.  Yesterday it was a middle school game.  My “adopted” son (remember the “parent for a day” blog?) played last night.  Our team won, and yes, that does make it even better.  The cheerleaders weren’t horribly annoying.  Life is good!

After the game, I treated myself to a lemonberry slush from a local drive in restaurant.  This is a treat that I used to have frequently, but I believe this is the first since my surgery.  It tasted so good!  Part of its appeal was that I was able to DRIVE to the restaurant and get it!  And unlike the person I was BEFORE surgery, this time I just got a medium size.  I sipped on it throughout the rest of the evening.  And I didn’t need anything bigger.  I probably will not go out driving every night.  But it was nice to be able to do that on my first night with the car.

Shoes…a decent ride…football – life is just too good!

Learning a Lesson

I talked in my last blog about seeing myself the way others see me.  Something happened this weekend to reinforce that thought.  We had friends visit from Ohio, and had the BEST TIME!  I’m so glad all three of them got to come down.  We did several things with them – but one day we went shopping.  One of the ladies bought a beautiful sweater, in two different colors.  It fit her perfectly, and looked great on her!

When we got back to the house, I asked her to bring in the teal sweater into my room, so we could look at some of my jewelry to see how it would look with it.  She told me she thought that I wanted to try it on.  The truth is, I see her in a totally different size category than I see myself.  If I were by myself in a store, I would try on a sweater that I liked, not really worrying about the size.  And I do have a couple of tops in a medium size.  But since this sweater looked SO GOOD on her, and I see us so differently when it comes to size, it never occurred to me that I could wear that sweater.  She pushed me to try it on…and it fit!  Proof that once again, what I see when I look in the mirror isn’t what other people see, and it isn’t necessarily reality.  I was amazed!  And it has made me look closer at the things I think I “KNOW” about myself.  There might be a lot that I need to rethink.

The sermon in church on Sunday was very, very good.  One point in particular has been on my mind.  A lot of people ask how a loving God could let evil and sorrow and bad things happen.  The truth is, that isn’t part of God’s plan at all.  We’re the ones who invited evil in – and we’re the ones who continue to perpetuate evil.  God tried to remove evil once – but only partially.  He destroyed the world and everything in it – except the eight people on the ark:  Noah, his wife, his three sons, and their wives.  But because God didn’t destroy ALL of mankind – evil still existed, through the very people He saved on the ark.  God has promised that evil will one day be wiped out – but when that happens, it will be ALL evil, including the evil in my life.  I may want other evil destroyed, but I’d kind of like to keep some things, you know?  And WHY does God refrain from destroying all evil, right now?

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.  But the day of the Lord will come like a thief.  The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare.”  (2 Peter 3:9-10, NIV)

God doesn’t want ANYONE to perish, although He knows many will perish in that final destruction.  What a loving and patient God He is.  Perhaps instead of criticizing Him and His choices, we should be praising Him for not obliterating mankind and all of our problems and whining and wars and cruelty.