A New Doctor

I went to the Rheumatologist today.  I had been warned that he is really, really good at what he does, but doesn’t have the best bedside manner.  I don’t really care if I like him – I just want my knee to feel better.  However, I must say that the assessment was correct – his bedside manner is practically non-existent!

We were discussing what brought me in and I mentioned that I have become more active following the dramatic weight loss.  As I have increased my activity – the pain in my knee also increased to the point that it actually became prohibitive for me to continue.  He asked how many pounds I have dropped, and when I told him 200, his first comment was, “You were a very large woman!”  Yes, I was.  I’m still large, but not nearly where I was.  And I want to continue losing.

Unfortunately, as expected, there isn’t much they can do for my knee.  He said “moderate” deterioration, but quickly added that doesn’t necessarily mean “moderate” pain.  He put me on a pain medication – and wants me to start taking glucosamine and chondroitin – both of which should help the knee.  He wants me to continue to lose weight, saying just that may resolve the problem.  He wants me to walk in a pool – more resistance, and more buoyancy, mean more calories expended with less impact on my knee.  Definitely no treadmills – or Zumba.  L  Overall, it was pretty much what I expected.

I wore a skirt today, thinking it would make examination of my knee easier.  (More about the skirt later.)  I was surprised when I had to strip down to just my panties, and put on a paper gown with a paper covering me from the waist down.  He was looking for other issues – arthritis in other places, signs of lupus, etc., so now it makes sense.  All he found was the knee that just doesn’t want to work.

The skirt I wore is considerably shorter than what I usually wear.  I like the long, Bohemian-style skirts that cover a multitude of shins (pun intended!)  This skirt falls to just below my knees.  It feels like I’m showing way too much leg, but everyone has said it looks really good.  One reason that I haven’t worn my skirts at this length is because I have always had way too much bootie – and skirts and dresses hike up in the back, exposing far more than I want to show.  Today, everyone says that my skirt is hanging evenly – front and back!  I still have plenty of padding, but now there is not a shelf in the back.  My “junk in the trunk” looks a lot better, and that is a good thing!

Staying Busy

The changes at work mean that I’m busy – complying with new regulations – making sure “how to” manuals are up to date – and learning new procedures.  The past few weeks, my skill on the computer has been tested, and I’m very happy to report that I have passed every test, with flying colors.  I love to help people find a faster, easier, better way to do something.  Sometimes it means that I have to puzzle over the problem for a while, before I see a way to accomplish what they want, but it is so satisfying when I’m able to make it work!

Now if only I could use my powers in spreadsheets and PowerPoint presentations to help people find a faster, easier, better way to lose weight.  Unfortunately, the only thing I know is to take in fewer calories than you put out.  I can do this by eating less – or by exercising more – or a combination of the two.  It sounds simplistic, but truthfully, sometimes simple is best.

Tomorrow I go to see the rheumatologist.  I’m a little anxious about this appointment.  My hope is that he will be able to do something to help my knee – so that I can really step up the exercise.  My fear is that there is not much they can do.  So I have gathered all of my information (regarding surgeries and medications) and I am patiently waiting to see him.  He comes highly recommended (if you don’t mind the fact that his bedside manner might leave something to be desired).  I’m not sure when (or if) I will get to blog tomorrow – but I will update with what the doctor says as soon as possible.

I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing...

I know that I’m showing my age here, but this was the tag line in a series of commercials talking about the indigestion following large meals.  And of course, if you just use a certain brand of antacid, all of your stomach woes will disappear!

I went out to dinner with my parents the other night.  We went to a local diner, known for its great food and enormous portions at very reasonable prices.  Eating out for me now means one of two things:  if I order a meal, I automatically take at least half of it home for another meal (or sometimes two meals); or I just order soup.  Gone are the days when I could chow down on massive quantities of anything.  While we were waiting for our meal, our server brought out the food for the table next to us.  When she set the mounded platter of food in front of the rather large woman, my heart just ached.  This wasn’t out of judgment; I have been there too recently to condemn anyone.  It was because in my not too distant past I was that woman. 

Mom and I talked about portions and how much our lives have changed.  (To Mom’s credit, she is within three pounds of reaching her goal through Weight Watchers.  I’m so proud of her!!!)  She ordered an appetizer.  I ordered a sandwich only, and took half of that home.  Neither of us felt cheated.  Neither of us felt hungry.  Neither of us felt like we needed to eat more.  I wonder how many times I ate what was in front of me for no other reason than IT WAS IN FRONT OF ME.  That surely cannot be a good reason to eat anything!

I wonder how many times someone at a nearby table watched in horror as I cleaned my plate of massive quantities of food.  I wonder if there was someone sitting close who had been there – and wanted so desperately to say something that would somehow break the cycle of addiction to food for me?  I wonder if there was a stranger who ached for me the way my Mom and I ache when we see someone like that woman the other night.  I may never know those things. 

After a particularly rough weekend, where I gained nearly 8 pounds in three days, I’m happy to report that I’m down nearly 6.5 pounds this morning.  Part of that is most likely connected to not sleeping – it has not been a good few days on that front.  Last night, I went to bed considerably earlier than I have been, and slept reasonably well through the night.  Part of that is surely related to eating out – there is much more sodium in food I do not prepare.  I ate out quite a number of times since Thursday evening.  Whatever the reason, I feel better when I am not retaining fluid.

I Hate Funerals

Saturday was the funeral for my friend.  Can I say it here – I hate funerals!  I hate everything about funerals!  I went to be there for her husband, who is also a dear friend.  I was able to see some people I haven’t seen in a while.  Those are not bad things.  I do recognize some of the benefits of a funeral.  It allows family and friends to have some closure.  It allows people to show love and support to family members.  Hmmm…that’s about it. 

So what is about funerals that I dislike so much?  One thing is how we talk about the deceased.  It doesn’t matter how crotchety the person was when she was alive, at the funeral she becomes a paragon of virtue.  He may have been as mean as a snake or even abusive, but the eulogy presents him as a philanthropist.  Saturday, I did not know the person the minister was talking about during his tribute.  Understand, I loved my friend dearly, but she was human, and most likely would have been the first person to protest all the wonderful things he said about her.  She was REAL – aware of her faults.

Another thing I dislike is the “viewing.”  I don’t like when make-up and hairstyles are so different from what the person really did.  I hate when people say that the deceased “looks good.”  The viewing to me is like looking at an empty cocoon – it is nothing but a shell – the beautiful butterfly is not there anymore. 

One last thing that I dislike is the feeling that everything has to be somber.  People speak in whispers.  I understand grief and believe me I have had my share.  And while I am immensely sad that my friend is no longer here with me, I am filled with joy at the thought she is home with Jesus – no longer suffering – no longer in pain.  Quite honestly, the joy is far greater than the grief.  I could not wish her here – because she is so much better off where she is!  My grief will last for only a moment, and then we will be together again.  How could I possibly be so selfish as to wish her back here when she was in such agony?

So, all that being said, I am officially putting in writing my wishes after death:

1.   DO NOT MAKE ME INTO SOMETHING I’M NOT.  If you want to talk about how much you love me or how much you will miss me (assuming that you will), that’s fine.  But if anyone starts talking about me an example of virtuous women – or someone with a quiet and gentle spirit – stop them.  Do not let anyone say anything about me in death that they could not say in life.  Talk about my fears – talk about my struggles – talk about the times I failed.  I would so much rather someone say something honest, even if it’s less than flattering – than to say something that sounds good, but isn’t true.

2.   DO NOT EXPECT TO SEE ME – OR RATHER WHAT’S LEFT OF MY BODY.  I have moved on – much like a hermit crab leaves one shell for something better.  I plan on using up my body – living life to the fullest, so that there is nothing much left to see anyway.  There will be NO open casket, no people parading by, no fancy hairstyles, and no excessive make-up. 

3.   DO NOT GRIEVE FOR ME.  I understand there may be some people who will be sad that I’m gone, and in a very real sense, that grief is part of love.  I have been dearly loved in my life, so it is only natural that people will grieve as a continuing part of that love.  But the sorrow isn’t for me; it is for the people who are still here on this earth.  I know where I’m going – and as much as I love my friends and family – I will not be looking back!  I do not want Psalm 23 read at my funeral.  I do not want even ONE slow, sad song.  I don’t want people to whisper.  If you have to say something – remember a funny incident and laugh – and if you laugh right out loud, that is perfectly fine with me.  Know that I would be laughing with you, if I could.  I have no intention of belittling grief – it is part of life, and part of death.  However, I do want people to acknowledge that I am such a better place.  I will be celebrating with my Lord.  I will never be sick again. I will never be sad again. 

So, while I continue to live on this world, I will continue to go to funerals – not because I like funerals, but because I love the people involved.  And I will do anything in my power to support the people who are hurting and grieving and missing their family member.  Just know that in my heart, I will be repeating this passage:

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.  For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him…for the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.  After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.  And so we will be with the Lord forever.”  (I Thessalonians 4: 13-17, NIV)

A Little Peeved - and a LOT Relieved

I got the much-anticipated test results back yesterday.  I was grateful that they came back earlier than anticipated.  The number they were looking at was 71 – slightly lower than the normal range of 75-115.  So, for now anyway, the doctor wants me to stay on my current medications (YAY!), drink more water (more than the 128 – 160 ounces I currently drink every day), and continue with diet and exercise.  All of this is good news, in my mind, anyway.

I have two observations about this whole experience.  The first is that it really irritates me that the doctor’s office uses words like “kidney failure” to describe anything less than genuine kidney failure.  I am not usually inclined to blow off a test that the doctor recommends, unless I have reason to believe that the insurance will not cover it – and I don’t have the money to pay for it.  If it is something truly serious, by all means use language that will convey that – so that I (and other people) do not take it lightly.  But if further testing is only necessary to clarify some test results, please do NOT make it sound like I’m dying! 

The second is personal – once again, I have worried about something that absolutely did not come to pass – wasting my energy – wasting dear friends’ time – and, working myself up over nothing.  I’m nearly 49 years old, and I STILL haven’t figured this one out yet.  Even if the very worst had happened – I couldn’t change it by worrying about it.  I couldn’t undo the damage.  I couldn’t change the possible outcome of stopping my medications.  So why worry about it at all?  Why not, uh, I don’t know, PRAY about it and then leave it with God???  Why not say that God is in control and then relax about it?  I often SAY that my God is bigger than all the stuff in my life – but far too many times, I don’t ACT like I believe He is bigger. 

I wish that I could say I’m totally done with WORRY.  But I’m human – and I know that despite my best intentions, I will almost certainly worry again.  So, those times when I’m all caught up in the anxiety – I give my friends and family permission to remind me of my desire to not waste my time - and theirs!  (Only once, though – more than that and I might get the tiniest bit testy about it.)  And thanks to those who remained calm while I was freaking out – over nothing.

Saying Good-bye

It’s hard to say, “Good-bye.”  Even when I know that it is the best thing for the person involved.  Last night, a dear, dear friend passed away shortly before 11:00.  She had been fighting lung problems for years, and was so tired.  I’m so glad that she is finally able to rest – and to breathe.  She will never hurt again, never have ugly side effects from drugs again, and never struggle to pull the necessary oxygen into her lungs.  She will never swell up from steroids, never labor to take a step, and never wish it would just all go away.

But there is a hole in my heart that just aches for her.  I miss her already.  I miss that I never had to be the “minister’s wife” with her.  She was down to earth.  She had a sense of humor that sometimes bordered on the bawdy, but that made me love her all the more.  She would do anything for anyone – as long as she was able.  And she loved the people in her life fiercely!

She would be the first one to tell you that she wasn’t perfect – and that she had no desire to be perfect!  She taught me how to tell if coffee was fresh when served at a restaurant.  She taught me to dip my salad into my dressing (instead of pouring it on) to consume less calories.  She painted ceramics with me.  And best of all – she had one room in her house that was completely dedicated to Christmas – and she kept it decorated all year long!  I loved to go sit in her Christmas room in July! 

But – now she walks with Jesus – no problems breathing – no swelling – no trouble walking!  I’m sure she will shake things up in heaven the way she always shook them up down here.  And even though I miss her, I would not want her to come back – because now she is totally and completely healed and will never be sick again.

“Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.  For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.  For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.”  (1 Corinthians 15:51-53, NIV)

A Rainbow and a Promise...

“And God said, ‘This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.  Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind.  Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.  Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.’”  (Genesis 9:12-16, NIV)

This morning on the way to work, our vanpool received a rare treat – a beautiful rainbow that lasted for several minutes, long enough to get several good pictures on my phone.  I’m not sure exactly what it is about a rainbow, but I get all goofy and excited when I see one. 

Maybe it’s because a rainbow represents the promise of God.  The story of Noah and the ark, and the rainbow symbolizing God’s promise never to destroy the world by water again, is one that I have heard since my very earliest memories.  I’ve always thought that the rainbow was God tying a string around His finger – and every time He sees it, He remembers His pledge.  It is a symbol of hope.

Maybe it’s because I don’t see rainbows every day.  They only appear when conditions are right – the sun is at a certain angle, its rays shining through the drops of rain.  In my life, some of the most beautiful moments happen only when there is a certain combination of “good” (the sun) and “bad” (the rain).  Those moments are rare, but more than special.

Maybe it’s because throughout the centuries there has been much folklore surrounding rainbows.  I love the world of leprechauns and wee people.  I love the Greek myth of Iris who made the rainbow path between Earth and Heaven.  Every culture has its own interpretation of the rainbow, as people attempt to explain something intangible.

Maybe it’s because I love color – and the rainbow contains all of them.  ROY G BIV – Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet.  A rainbow brings life to an otherwise drab moment.  (Believe me, Atlanta rush hour traffic, especially in the rain, is VERY drab.)

I’m sure my love of rainbows is a combination of all of these reasons.  And I’m really glad I saw one today.

It's Really NOT All About Me...

This hasn’t really been a good week for me.  I have spent most of the week worrying about some health issues (specifically when the doctor said, “Your kidneys are failing.”) – and worrying about what that is going to mean for this journey.  Actually, “worry” isn’t the right work – how about “FREAKING OUT?!?!?!”  The last time I heard those words, they took me off all of my medications, and I gained 25 pounds in three days – which took me to my highest weight of 435 pounds.  And I just don’t think I can do that again.  Sunday, I did a 24 hours urine test – and took it to the doctor yesterday – and they took blood to go with it.  Now is the hard part – waiting the 7 – 10 days for the results, while trying to stay calm, cool and collected.

But something happened last night that put a lot of things in perspective.  I was talking to friend and learned that she is trying desperately to get out of an abusive relationship.  I felt her pain as she relived a particularly ugly situation this past week, and the on-going pain of trying to get away from her estranged husband.  And then I kicked myself for making myself sick over something that may or may not happen, and even if it does – it really isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things. 

So today, I’m a lot calmer.  I’m resigned to do whatever the doctors feel needs to be done.  If it means that I gain back some of the weight I’ve worked so hard to get rid of, then so be it.  I don’t have to like it, but it really isn’t the end of the world – especially when I know that it really and truly is just water weight.  (I’m probably going to have to tell myself that over and over again, but it is true.) 

And I have promised my friend that I will be there for her – whatever she needs.  That I won’t judge or criticize – and that I understand much of what she is going through.  And shifting the focus to someone else allows me the chance to gain some of that perspective I need. 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”  (2 Corinthians 1:3-5, NIV)

I'm Not Worthy

We watched a GREAT movie last night – “The King’s Speech.”  Parts of it really resonated with me – particularly when it came to light that the main character felt he was not worthy to be king because of a severe speech impediment.  (OK – if you haven’t seen it – that is ALL you are getting from me – but watch it!)

I have spent most of my life feeling like I was not worthy – mainly due to my weight.  I’m not worthy to get attention.  I’m not worthy to be happy.  I’m not worthy to be loved.  I’m not worthy to wear pretty clothes.  I’m not worthy to… _______________________ (you can fill in the blank with just about anything.)  And, because I wasn’t “worthy” – I put a lot of my life on hold. 

I have missed so much because I didn’t feel worthy.  Yesterday, at lunch with my Dad for Father’s Day, I asked everyone to name one thing on their “bucket list.”  The answers were varied, and the discussion was interesting, to say the least.  I’ve been thinking about my bucket list lately – and right at the top is to finish my novel.  I want to travel to Europe and to Japan.  I want to hold a koala bear.  I want to dance under the stars.  My bucket list is long.

You know what – I don’t have to wait until I reach a certain weight to start doing the things on my list.  I don’t have to wait until I look a certain way before I start!  I can just start – right here, right now.  Some of the things on my list will have to wait until my financial picture improves.  But I can start planning – and dreaming – and collecting ideas.

Yesterday, Dave’s quartet sang at our old congregation.  It was wonderful to see everyone there.  I had two comments repeated over and over to me – in varying forms.  “You look 20 years younger” and “I can wrap my arms all the way around you now!”  It was a good day, being with people we love so dearly.

It doesn’t really matter if I think I’m worthy – what matters is what God thinks about me.  And He proved how much He loves me, as this passage from Romans shows:

“Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  (Romans 5:7-8, NIV)

My Dad, the Wordsmith

I love to read – and I get that from both of my parents.  In first grade, I was the very first child to graduate from the great big class book to a book of my very own.  (We had to read the big class book –  that only the teacher could hold – cover to cover.)  After that, I spent hours sitting on a chair in the kitchen, reading to Mom while she prepared dinner.  I’m sure that the adventures of Dick and Jane were not her top choice in reading material – but she patiently listened while I read, helping me to sound out words along the way. 

My Dad uses words all the time in his work as a preacher.  He reads and studies in preparation for a sermon, then uses words to deliver the message.  This was (and is) such a part of his life, that in first grade, when they gave me a test to “place” me, I said that the man doing hard, physical labor (I believe he was chopping wood) was relaxing, and the man who was reading was working.  (As an aside, it still irks me that they marked that question wrong.  Just because my life experience is different from most people’s experience, does not necessarily mean that I am wrong.  OK – I realize that after 43 years, I really should let this go, but I do have serious distrust over the “accuracy” of these kinds of tests.)

My Dad gave me love of words in another form – the pun.  “Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.”  (~Fred Allen)  I LOVE a good pun.  Who am I kidding?  I love a BAD pun.  And the louder I groan over a pun, the quicker I plan to repeat it. 

So, in honor of my Dad, for Father’s Day – and just because this is my blog and I can share anything I want to share, here is one of my favorite puns:

“Everyone knows that the Dalai Lama spends much of his time barefoot, which hardens the soles of his feet.  And he observes strict dietary laws, which sometimes leaves him weak and with bad breath.  You might say he is a super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed with halitosis.”  Sorry, that just htbd (had to be done)!

“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.  Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”  (Proverbs 17:27-28, NIV)

Getting the Hang of This

Maybe, just maybe, I’m getting the hang of the getting dressed in the morning thing – learning to take what I have and make it work for me.  A dear friend loaned me three pantsuits.  They are beautiful – the pants are lined, and they are very comfortable.  But she and I are built very differently.  She likes loose tunic-style tops to camouflage her belly, and I like things fitted to show off the waist I finally have.  I went to a thrift store, and for very little money purchased some belts.  Today I have on the black pantsuit, with a fuchsia pink elastic belt.  I was nervous – is it too much?  Am I trying to hard?  But everyone who has seen the outfit has commented on how good it looks, so I must be doing SOMETHING right!  It is so nice to be able to show off a waist.  And when I pair it with the fuchsia earrings I bought while were on vacation – I’m loving it!

I think I’m going to have to invest in a full-length mirror.  I studiously avoided mirrors for years, other than to make sure I didn’t have scare hair.  Now, I find myself wanting to see the whole picture.  In my past, getting ready for work meant throwing on clothes – and making sure they weren’t dirty and/or wrinkled.  Today, there is a lot more to it.  Does this outfit do for me what I want it to do?  Does it emphasize the good things?  Does it mask the things I don’t like?  Does it make me feel good?  And I’m still new enough at all of this that I’m unsure of myself many times.  (I know that sounds weird – how is someone nearly 50 years old “new” at anything?)

I wish changing my attitude was as easy to do as changing my clothes.  I wish that I could just say, “I don’t like when I act like that,” then take off the attitude and replace it with something that looks and feels better.  Maybe one of these days, I will get the hang of that, too.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”  (Ephesians 4:22-24, NIV)

Taking Care of the Small Things

The toilet in our master bath has a leak.  I’ve read what I can about it – and my best guess is that it is the wax seal that is leaking.  And every day we let it go, it just gets worse.  We are fortunate that we are on a slab; there is no wood beneath the toilet that will be damaged from the water.  But this leak is NOT going to fix itself.  So like it or not, Dave and I are going to have to do something about it.  That probably means calling someone who actually might know something about fixing this, and getting them to help.  Neither of us has either the knowledge or the necessary skills to figure out what needs to be done.

I think that my health issues and my issues with food and weight are a lot like that leak in our bathroom.  At first, it is barely noticeable.  Something is wrong, but I didn’t see the problem.  Then, there is water on the floor, which puzzles me.  Finally, there is too much water to ignore, and I know that I have to DO something!  With my weight or my health, something is wrong – but I don’t see the problem.  Then, I really start packing on the pounds or feeling pretty bad.  By the time I acknowledge the problem, it is so much bigger than it would have been had I addressed it at the very beginning!  I’m 250 pounds overweight – and my heart is not working at all like it is supposed to. 

At every point, either with the toilet or the weight or the health, I had choices.  And while ignoring the problem is perhaps the easiest, the problem doesn’t stay at that level, and eventually I am forced to take action.  How much easier my life would be if I would take care of the problems when they are small, instead of pretending like they will go away!

Going to the Doctor

I went to the doctor yesterday, following a particularly painful flare up of gout Sunday evening.  While I was there, I received some really good news, and some not so good news.  The good news first:  my latest labs showed everything was nearly perfect.  My total cholesterol was 172; they want it less than 200.  My HDL (good) cholesterol was 53; they want it higher than 40.  My LDL (bad) cholesterol was 82; they want it less than 100.  My triglycerides were 148; they want them less than 150.  My A1C (long-term blood sugar) was 5.5; they want it less than 7.0.  These numbers have not always been good, so this news was very exciting, to say the least.  In particular, my bad cholesterol and my triglycerides are within in the normal range. 

However, it appears my kidney function is once again in jeopardy – that’s the not so good news.  They want me to do a 24-hour urine test, to determine more accurately what is happening.  I’m not exactly sure how involved this will be, but I will do what they ask.  Specifically, they are looking at creatinine levels. 

While I was there, I asked the doctor to look at my knee, and to give me a prescription that should help control the gout.  After my surgery, I tried really hard to cut out as many prescriptions as possible.  Even though I continued the lasix, I had hoped that the episodes of gout would be few and far between.  It took several months for the first attack, but they have been coming more and more frequently.  Avoiding them is far better than enduring them, so I’m back on the prescription.  The doctor gently felt my knee – and ordered x-rays, which showed “severe deterioration” of the bone.  She said “arthritis” – and gave me a referral to a rheumatologist.  I will try to contact him today to set up an appointment. 

I was a little amused at myself yesterday afternoon – I am far more upset by the thought of arthritis in my knee than I am with the possible kidney problems.  Maybe it’s because I have lived with a chronic condition (congestive heart failure) for a long time – and the kidney issues are just part of that.  Maybe it’s because I know that the kidney issues are part of the high doses of lasix that I am on.  Maybe it’s because I know that the arthritis won’t kill me – but there really isn’t much they can do for it.  Maybe it’s because she told me not to walk, or do any kind of repetitive, pounding exercise (no Zumba!) – when I know that I really need to step up the exercise to continue to drop pounds.  Whatever the reason, all I know is that I’m pretty upset about the knee.  I’m also relieved – knowing that this isn’t just “in my head.”  There is a valid cause for my pain, and I’m NOT imagining it. 

On a much more positive note – I am SO ENJOYING my tomatoes!  And there are dozens and dozens of the cherry tomatoes.  I have picked just a few, but when they start getting ripe – it’s going to be wonderful!

Are You Looking at ME?

I ride a vanpool to and from work.  I ride shotgun, and since we travel mostly in the HOV lane, I get to look down into vehicles as we pass.  In the mornings particularly, I’m not really looking so much as I’m composing my blog for the day.  Sometimes something on the radio, or something one of the other riders says, will plant a seed that blossoms into my blog.  This morning, however, something happened out of the ordinary for me, or at least it is not something I have noticed before.

The traffic in the HOV lane moves fairly consistently as a general rule.  Traffic in the other lanes speeds up, slows down, and sometimes even comes to a complete stop.  This means that we can pass the same vehicles several times.  The driver in one truck was staring at me every time we passed.  That’s odd.  (I know he was looking at me, because he can’t see the driver, and the windows in the back of the van are tinted very dark, and you can’t see in through them.)

We get a little closer to work, and I just happened to see another driver glance at me, then do a double take.  (It was the perfect movie double take – and the quick movement of his head caught my eye.)  OK – this is freaky.  I quickly checked the mirror – I have NOT sprouted a purple horn between my eyes.  There does not appear to be any kind of wardrobe malfunction.  I know from their angle that pretty much all they can see of me is a small part of one shoulder and my head, anyway.  Did you catch that both of these drivers were male?

Could it possibly be that they were actually looking at me, the way any male might look at an attractive female?  My gut reaction would be to deny that categorically, but in the absence of horns, or inappropriate body parts showing, I have to wonder.  I have no aspirations to be a beauty queen, but it would be so nice to think that I might warrant a second glance on occasion.  Of course, maybe they were simply admiring the shiny new van we have, or the Commuter Club logo on the side of the van, but I don’t think anyone will mind if this once I pretend they were looking at me.

God Answers Prayers

Not too long ago, (May 2, to be exact) I talked about God providing for Peter before Peter even knew there was a need.  God provides so many things in my life – and many times He has answered the prayer before I have even prayed it!  That happened again yesterday, and I’m still surprised.  I shouldn’t be surprised that God answers my prayers!

Recent changes means that Dave will be spending Wednesdays at the church we have been attending, which would make it extremely difficult for him to come all the way BACK down to either Morrow or Stockbridge to pick me up from the vanpool and then get back to church in time for choir and Wednesday night activities.  I knew that a friend and co-worker of mine lives out in that general vicinity, so I approached her about giving me a ride – and dropping me off somewhere much closer so that Dave could pick me up.  Not only was she very agreeable to the idea, but when we looked at a map together, we discovered that she drives RIGHT PAST the church – and said it would be absolutely NO PROBLEM to drop me off there!  God is so amazing! 

I wonder if we miss God working in our lives because we just simply aren’t looking for His hand?  The more I study, the less I believe in coincidence and the more I believe that God is ALWAYS working in my life – if I just take the time to look.  And the more I believe this Scripture from Romans:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  (Romans 8:28, NIV)

I Feel Naked Today

I’m not sure how it happened, but this morning, I walked out of the house without my water bottle.  I take my water bottle EVERYWHERE – so being without it makes me feel naked.  I drink a lot of water.  It started nearly nine years ago when I was first diagnosed with heart failure.  Some of the medications I am on make me quite thirsty.  If you combine that with the heat and humidity in a typical Georgia summer, the necessity for staying hydrated is even greater.  I usually drink anywhere from 120 – 160 ounces a day. 

So, today, I’m still drinking water – just out of a different cup.  It doesn’t have a lid, so I have to be especially careful with it around my computer.  And it makes drinking on the vanpool very difficult, because of the bumps and potholes on Atlanta highways.  Still, a little inconvenience on occasion only makes me appreciate what I have, and I promise – I won’t forget my water bottle again anytime soon!

Yesterday, a dear friend gave me a pedicure.  With money tight, going to a nail salon is out of the question.  It is a true friend who will prop my icky feet on her lap and paint my nails – and do such a great job!  Thanks, L!

“Jesus answered her, ‘If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water…Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.  Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’”  (John 4:10, 13-14, NIV)

Happy Tuesday!

It’s Tuesday.  Again.  Not much happening today – but it’s another day of life – of living!  And that is worth celebrating!

I brought my second tomato to eat as part of my lunch today.  It’s not big – but it IS perfect – and even better because I had a part in helping it grow.  I can’t wait to bite into it!

The online community I belong to – www.obesityhelp.com – allows members to blog on their site.  I peruse these periodically, and I must admit that I’m still surprised by the number of people who really seemed to think this surgery would make everything better in their lives.  But there are still broken relationships; there are still issues with eating the wrong things for the wrong reasons; and there are still problems in each person’s life.  And reading their blogs, I hurt for those people who are continuing to turn to food to solve their problems.  I feel their frustration and their pain.  I can only hope that one day they will find the key that unlocks them from these chains.  I am so blessed – I had such support – and so many people praying for me.  I don’t how people do this without that kind of love and support.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you seed the Day approaching.”  (Hebrews 10:23-25, NIV)

Great Doctor's Visit

I went to see my surgeon today.  Right now, he is basically just checking the co-morbidities that I had BEFORE surgery.  The hope is that in compiling accurate data, they will be able eventually to convince the insurance companies that weight loss surgery DOES work. 

So, I’m happy to report, that I no longer have sleep apnea – a big deal before my surgery.  I no longer have diabetes – another big deal before my surgery.  If nothing else happened, being rid of those two things will significantly improve my health – and my life.  My BMI has dropped from over 62 to just over 35, nearly in half. 

Yesterday, we celebrated my Mom’s birthday – we did a great big chef’s salad.  Mixed greens, combined with roast beef, ham, turkey, chicken, eggs, shrimp, a couple of different kinds of cheese, and sunflower seeds.  I made a sugar-free cake, and my sister had watermelon.  Plus, we had a blast just enjoying everyone’s company.  So, Happy Birthday, Mom – a little belated!

She bought a sweater that she wanted me to try on.  (If I didn’t like it or if it didn’t fit me – she was going to take it back!)  It is a lovely shade of aqua – with some feminine details on one shoulder.  It fit perfectly, and that is one of my colors!  Guess what – it’s a MEDIUM.  That’s right – Not a plus size, not a XL, not a large – but a MEDIUM!!!  I’m so excited.  I wore it today with white slacks, and I look all summery.  LOVE IT!

Fruits of My Labor

When we got home from vacation, there was a perfect tomato sitting on the counter – the first tomato from my plant.  I ate it yesterday for lunch.  It was delicious!  As I bit into it, reflecting on its perfection, I had to be honest with myself.  This really wasn’t the fruit of MY labor.

A dear friend provided the plants, the soil, the containers, the food, and the knowledge to grow these tomatoes.  God provided the sunshine, and the rain.  All I did was water it and feed it, and another friend took over that job for me when I was gone.  I didn’t even pick the tomato; this same friend was the one who pulled it from the vine.  (She also fed my babies while we were gone.)  She doesn’t even like tomatoes – so it was there sitting on my counter – just waiting for me to enjoy it.  What a blessing that I get to enjoy something that so many other people have a part in.  (OK, the grammar on that sentence is horrible, but the feeling is genuine.)

So many people have had a part in this journey following bariatric surgery, as well.  There are cheerleaders, people who have given me clothes, people who gave me pep talks when I was discouraged over the plateaus and people who have prayed me through this every step of the way. 

In fact, there is very little in my life that I can say I have accomplished all by myself – there are always people there – doing their part to help.

“I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.  So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.  The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor.  For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.”  (I Corinthians 3:6-8, NIV)

Sand, Saltwater and Swimsuits

I just got back from vacation to Outer Banks, NC.  We had a blast visiting with old friends.  We went to the beach – we rode the ferry to Okercoke Island, toured the Blackbeard Museum, and just had a great time. 

Now, I must admit, the beach is NOT my favorite thing in the world.  First of all, there is that sand that gets into EVERYTHING.  The beach on Okercoke Island was particularly windy – so I’m still finding sand in places I really don’t want sand.  Then there is the saltwater – it feels GREAT when you are in it, but when you get out everything is sticky – and then there’s that sand again and now because you’re all wet, it has even more to stick to.  But this year – the swimsuit wasn’t an issue.  I didn’t feel like everyone looked at me in my swimsuit and thought things like, “That person shouldn’t be out here dressed like that.”  I felt, dare I say it, normal.

The beach really isn’t so bad – the sand and the saltwater are minor inconveniences that can easily be cured with a shower.  And everyone else in our group loved being there – and their enthusiasm was contagious.  I loved helping the girls find pretty seashells.  I enjoyed watching the boys jump the waves.  I definitely improved my tan.  And above all, some of the people I care most about were in their element – soaking up the sun and playing in the ocean.  Feeling good about myself and my body – was the best thing -  I don’t think I have EVER in my life been as relaxed as I was this week, especially on the beach.

Even better, I got on the scale this morning and weighed a few ounces less than I weighed before we left.  I didn’t particularly “watch” what I ate – although, of course, the portions are much smaller.  We stopped a couple of times for ice cream (yea for kiddie portions!) and if I wanted some, I had some. 

So, now it’s back to my “normal” life – but I feel refreshed and eager to get back to it!