Dealing with Emotions

Today, I am dealing with nearly every negative emotion known to humans:  rage, sadness, disbelief, fear, and anxiety.  What could possibly be causing this?  My beloved Lulu – the car I bought six weeks ago – was stolen yesterday.

As usual, I parked it in the same exact spot I always use when I catch my vanpool.  When the van pulled into the parking lot last night – Lulu was gone!  My first thought was that my husband had moved it for some reason – and I called him to verify that.  He hadn’t.  (Occasionally, this sweet man has been known to fill up my car.)  My next call was to the police – where I completed a report over the phone.  No broken glass – nothing seemed out of the ordinary in the parking lot – except that my car, which was SUPPOSED to be there, WASN’T!  By this time, I was shaking so badly that I had trouble assimilating what the police officer was saying.  I understood enough to realize that the officer wasn’t holding out much hope that I would get her back.  She was an easy mark; as an older car – she didn’t have any kind of anti-theft or alarm system.  The officer said that she was either taken for someone to use it for a crime – and then abandon, or taken for parts.  The older cars are being targeted because more people are now driving older cars, and parts are increasingly difficult to find.  She was in good condition – so either way, she would be useful.  He told me to report back to them immediately if I somehow found the car (if I found it – and didn’t clear the “stolen” status – and they pulled me over – it would be with guns drawn.)  Then he told me to go home, call my insurance and file a claim (which I did).  Because Lulu wasn’t worth much monetarily, we only had the minimum insurance on her to keep her legal.  And they would be in touch if for any reason they “found” my car.

I held it together pretty well last night.  But today – I feel so violated.  It isn’t the money, although where we are right now, the money we spent for her is a LOT!  It’s really about what that car meant to me – freedom, independence, and the ability to come and go as I please.  Having been without those things for so long, I appreciated them more than I most people do.  And now, because there are people in this world who don’t care about anybody but themselves, those intangible ideas have been snatched away from me again. 

Still, there is good from this, too.  I wasn’t in or near the car.  I wasn’t harmed physically in any way.  As of this moment, I have no reason to think that anyone else was harmed.  Friends have been incredibly supportive after finding out about this.  One friend loaned me a truck, “for as long as I need it.”  I have found out that there are a number of other people who have gone through this – I’m certainly not alone.  Losing the car and the money we put into it hurts, but is not something that will kill us – so it has to make us stronger, right? 

I’m still mad – and sad – and afraid.  But those are normal sentiments when something like this happens.  And while I have acknowledged these feelings, I have not used them as an excuse to eat.  As much as Lulu meant to me, the car is not worth losing ground on this journey! 

I'm Crossing It Off My List of Goals!

I went to the doctor on Tuesday for routine blood work and my annual flu shot.  My doctor called me last night – personally – to go over my test results. Usually when a doctor calls, it isn’t good news, but this time was different!  He was delighted to inform me that everything he checked was well within “normal” ranges:  cholesterol, thyroid, kidney function, potassium, etc., etc.  The only exception was my uric acid level (that nasty thing that causes gout), which was slightly elevated at 7.2 and they want it under 7.0.  When they measured this back in June, it was 12.2 – and they immediately put me back on the medication to control it.  So it has come down significantly, and the doctor decided to let it ride as is to see if it comes down the rest of the way. 

This report, coupled with the great news from the heart doctor back in July, tells me that I have accomplished my main goal with the weight loss surgery – that is, to get healthy.  For at least the last decade, but if I’m honest, for a lot longer than that, I have been absolutely unhealthy.  Problems with diabetes, cholesterol, kidney function – well, the list goes on and on.  So, I am crossing this off my list!  Get healthy – CHECK!

Of course, I am well aware that this is not something you can do once and forget about it.  Staying healthy means continuing to make good choices.  But having this great news just encourages me to keep making those choices.  I am SO excited!  I have made real changes and it has affected every part of me.  So, many thanks to everyone who has supported me with encouragement and advice, and has kept me focused on my main goal.

“They tell of the power of your awesome works—and I will proclaim your great deeds.  They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.  The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”  (Psalm 145:6-8, NIV)

Back to Work

We made it safely to Florida, and safely back.  I was tired when we got back on Thursday afternoon.  I was really glad I had planned to take off Friday as well – because I spent all day Friday and Saturday just doing nothing.  I’m still a little tired this morning, but nothing out of the ordinary for a Monday.

I did not get to weigh while I was gone, but I cannot begin to express how happy I was that my weight Friday morning (after I got back) was down 1.4 pounds from when I weighed the day we left!  Despite eating out (while on the road) – and being out of my “zone” (making it more difficult to drink the water I should drink, and to get enough rest in a strange bed) – I made good choices!  I can do this!

It was a little weird being the youngest person in the entire state of Florida.  OK – that might be a little exaggeration – but I certainly didn’t get to spend any time with people my age or younger.  My aunt lives in a senior’s trailer park.  It was nice to get back home – and be the OLD person around!

While we were gone – someone said to me, “If your bottom ever catches up with your top, you will be skinny!”  I’m almost certain that was meant as a compliment, but the comment really bothered me.  And then, I was really, really bothered that it mattered so much.  I have said all along that I was not doing this to be a certain size or to get down to a certain weight.  My motivation at every step of this journey has been to improve my heart and my health.  So why would I care if someone else thinks I’m skinny?  My heart and my health ARE improving.  I am meeting my goals.

I guess if I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that I DO care what I look like.  And while “being skinny” is NOT my focus, I want to look nice.  I want other people to think that I look nice.  I want my “bottom to catch up with my top.”  I guess I want it all.

Getting Ready for Vacation

I am going on vacation.  Sadly, I am going without Dave.  Happily, I am going with my Mom.  I am going to be the chauffeur in “Driving Miss Daisy.”  OK – in reality, “Driving the Two Miss Daisies.”  I’m taking my Mom and her sister-in-law down to see a sister in Florida.  Mom wanted to go see this sister.  I didn’t want her to drive all that way by herself.  I have vacation time I have to use or I will lose.  Dave doesn’t get any vacation time right now – and we can’t afford for him to take time off work without pay.  So, the reality is – I have to go without him.

My Dad says that there wasn’t this much planning for D-Day!  My Mom and I have been on the phone together.  My Mom and her sister and have been on the phone several times.  My Mom and her sister-in-law have talked quite a bit.  And then, just in case we haven’t covered everything – the rest of the family has been informed, too. 

And I’m making my infamous lists.  (Turns out that IS hereditary, by the way.  My Mom is making lists, too.)  Lists for what I  will bring; lists for what I have left to do both at work and at home before I can leave (and, yes, that DOES still include packing); and lists for just the general things.

I’m truly looking forward to some chillaxing time.  Down near Miami, it is still beautiful weather.  I plan on spending time at one of the three pools available where my aunt lives.  I plan on reading several books.  I do not plan on doing anything I do not have to do!  (Don’t worry, Mom – I will remember how you raised me, and I will do dishes, and make up my bed every day while we are there.) 

I’m thankful that I am able to do this for my Mom – to take her where she wants to go.  This trip begins with a number of small steps – decide when to go, decide the route we will take, decide to spend the night each way – so the trip is not too tiring on any of us, programming the GPS.  None of these things are huge in themselves, but leaving any of them out would mean problems down the road (literally).  Of course, there is no guarantee that something won’t come up – but we are as prepared as we can possibly be, for all foreseeable issues.

My journey is similar.  It is made up of small steps that ultimately bring me to victory:  stay hydrated, get enough sleep, and make smart food choices, exercise.  None of that guarantees success, but they all work together.  Did I make all these changes at once?  Absolutely not!  Am I consistently doing all of these things?  For the most part, I would say, “Yes” (although I really need to work on the getting enough sleep step).  I’m not perfect at this though, and I have a suspicion I never will be.  But I have the tools in place, and I am using them.  (I most likely will not get to weigh every day while we are down there.  I’m really hoping to come back weighing less than I did when left – I would call that a resounding triumph!)

It's Really Happening!

It has been a long time.  I got down to 240 pounds back in March.  In April, I finally hit 235 pounds – which was the magic number of 200 pounds gone!  And since that time I have fluctuated up somewhere between 5 – 7 pounds.  I have worked very hard on not being depressed by that!  I have upped my exercise.  I have done what I thought I needed to do.  I had even resigned myself to staying at this weight.  It’s not really where I WANT to be – but it is so much better than where I WAS BEFORE!  And I was OK with that, even if I wasn’t entirely happy.  For the last two weeks, there has been steady, if not dramatic, progress in the right direction.  Just a few ounces each day – and I have to admit, I was afraid to look at it as progress.  Today, I am back down to those 235 pounds. 

Plateaus are the most difficult thing for me on this journey.  The early weeks and months of rapid weight loss are long gone.  I knew that would happen.  I went further than most on that segment of my trek.  (According to the doctor, it was reasonable for me to expect to lose about 60% of the weight I needed to lose in the first year following surgery.  I lost over 70%.)  It doesn’t mean that I CAN’T lose any more weight – but the mechanics are very different. 

To reach my goal, I still have about 55 more pounds I want to get rid of.  It may take me a long time to get there.  I may have to shake things up – varying my exercise – and my food choices.  But I am as committed to this goal as I was back when I first decided to have the surgery.  I don’t have to be on anyone else’s time frame.  This is my body – and my health – and if it takes me two years to get where I am going, I will be OK with that.  Even small progress is better than standing still – or going backwards!

One thing does amaze me, though.  I do not have to be at the END of my journey to help someone else on his or her journey.  I have NOT arrived - but I have reached out to people in very different stages on their journey.  I don't think I have all wisdom - or all the answers - but people seem to be sincerely asking my opinion and advice.  And helping someone else ultimately helps me.  It reaffirms my commitment.  It helps me be patient with the plateaus (it is really hard to advise others they have to be patient with their plateaus, if I'm tearing my hair out because of my own plateau).  It makes me more aware of the food choices I make - because someone might be watching me - not in a creepy, accusing, "caught you" way - but they see me doing something right and it helps them make good choices.

 

Pondering the Cat Hairs

Most days I don’t even notice.  When you are a cat lover, cat hairs are just part of the love.  But today I’m wearing a white hoodie – and my Sonny’s dark gray hairs show up rather prominently.  I would like to believe that each of those hairs represents the special bond that I have with Sonny.  As I sip my morning coffee, and perhaps jump on the computer to see who has a birthday – or who has sent me a message – he snuggles up next me – rubbing and purring – just because he loves me.  He has to get his “Teri fix” because I’m going to be gone all day long – and leave him to sleep – or yuck up hairballs – or whatever else he does to while away the lonely hours.

But in reality – I know that he is rubbing against me more to “stake his claim” than to show his love.  This is MY human – all other animals had better back off!!!  That includes the service dog at my office.  That includes various and other animals I may or may not come in contact with.  And trust me, if I so much as think about petting one of them – I will get the third degree when I get home.  He will jump on me and sniff every inch of my body and my clothes – all the while glaring at me as if I were nothing more than a working girl selling herself to anyone who so much as wags a tail in my direction. 

That’s the thing about loving a cat – the LOVE part is pretty much one-sided.  I know it – and I accept it – and we get along just fine.  He sees me as a source of food – or rubbing – or a clean litter box – and MY affection for him plays well into the grand scheme of things (that would be HIS scheme for world domination!  If ONLY he would use his powers for good and not evil.)

This is an odd blog, I admit.  But it occurs to me that my previous relationship with food was much like my relationship with Sonny – completely one-side.  Food doesn’t care about me – it doesn’t love me – it doesn’t want good things for me.  Food is an object, incapable of any kind of emotion, yet I tried to treat it like a best friend or an intimate lover.  I was the total loser in that association.  Thank goodness, I have come to my senses!

OK - REALLY??

“Sumiller said he found no human remains when he induced the captured crocodile to vomit.”  This is a direct quote taken from an article detailing the capture of a one-ton, 21-foot crocodile in the Philippines.  (http://hypervocal.com/news/2011/what-a-croc-one-ton-beast-nabbed-in-philippines/ ) I don’t know about you, but this raises some serious questions for me. 

While I understand the fear that such a creature could cause, I’m not sure that I want to be on the business end of capturing it.  And even if I DID capture it – I’m VERY SURE I don’t want to be the one who induces said crocodile to vomit.  How exactly does one go about making a crocodile vomit?  If the gag reflex on a crocodile is anything like a human’s, that means something has to be inserted into the crocodile’s mouth, far enough down its throat to cause it to first gag, and then vomit.  Presumably, that something is attached somewhere to a human arm?  Definitely not going there!  And then someone actually has to sift through the barf to determine if anything is human.  YUCK!

I suppose that the knowledge that this particular crocodile is not a man-eater (or at least a RECENT man-eater) is a good thing, but that just leads to more questions for me.  If this one isn’t responsible for recent disappearances, then what is?  And if there is another one out there, who is going to capture that one? 

Facing My Fears!

I’m afraid of heights.  I don’t like the queasy feeling I get in my stomach when I look down.  I break out into a cold sweat, and I sometimes have difficulty breathing.  It doesn’t matter where I am, on a mountain, in a glass elevator, on top of a tall building – I just don’t like heights. 

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to confront that fear head-on.  Some time back in the spring, I won tickets from a local radio station to Stone Mountain Park.  The tickets were good for just about everything – and yesterday, we went with a couple of friends to the park.  It was a drizzly kind of day – but that kept the crowds away.  We had a blast exploring to our hearts’ content – and did very nearly everything we wanted to do.  One of the things that I particularly wanted to do was the Skyhike.  This is a quarter mile adventure course that takes place up in the air.  There are three levels:  the 12-foot high trail for beginners, the 24-foot high trail for intermediates, and the 40-foot high trail for the truly courageous.  Given that it was a little wet (and therefore slick) and that I REALLY don’t like heights, I opted for the 12-foot trail.  This is a series of platforms built in a large circle, with various beams, ropes, etc. strung between the platforms.  The person negotiating the trail is in a harness that is secured into a track system above the trail.  There is enough slack that a misstep will cause a fall of somewhere between one and two feet. 

My first section wasn’t too bad.  There are two choices at every platform – and I chose the solid plank with handholds across.  The second section was a little scarier – a solid plank with nothing to hold onto – or two cables that had vertical cables to grab as you walked across.  I chose the cables – and after the second step, I was ready to quit.  Those cables bounce and move, and feel quite unsteady beneath your feet!  But I made it across that section, and eventually across the rest of the sections.  To my delight – I didn’t slip once!  (Maybe yoga HAS improved my balance!)  When I stepped off the trail, I cannot begin to describe the relief, but also the pride in that I faced something that has always bothered me – and did this anyway!  I was pouring sweat, my heart was racing, and I was shaking and taking gulps of air – but I DID IT!

There was another set of fears that I faced on this trail – and those were the fears I have long struggled with as an obese person:  will I fit?  Will it hold me?  Maybe I shouldn’t even try it.  Nobody else in my party wanted to do this with me, so I went by myself up to the person who was strapping on the harnesses and told her that I had recently dropped a lot of weight but I still wasn’t sure if the harness would fit.  She smiled and explained that not only did it fit, but also she would have to tighten it quite a bit to make sure that it would be safe.  She didn’t seem to have any qualms about the structure holding me.  I’m really glad I didn’t have to test it – but I think I was well within the parameters for weight.

There is something immeasurably empowering about facing a fear – and overcoming it.  I DID IT!  (And the friends with me took pictures to prove it – which I will post as soon as I get them!  The picture I DID post is from the Stone Mountain website, and shows one of the sections.)  I proved to myself that not only can I face a fear, but I can conquer my fear.  Do I want to do this again?  Not necessarily.  I’m not addicted to the adrenalin rush.  I’ve made my point.  I’ve faced my fear.  But if I were in a group of people who wanted to do it, I know that I COULD do it.  And bit by bit I’m chipping away at those voices in my head that tell me I’m too fat…I made a memory – I had fun – and I’m glad I did it!

I'm Sad Today

So many things that happen in our lives are outside of our control.  Today one of those life events hit several people that I have come to care for very deeply.  Ten people at my work were laid off – unexpectedly.  Well, I say unexpectedly, but the truth is, after a merger, it really isn’t all THAT unexpected.  Two departments were duplicated elsewhere in the parent company, and because of that duplication, these departments were let go.  When you see people nearly every day for ten years, they become like family, and their departure hurts, no way around it.

I wondered if something was going on.  Yesterday, there was someone here from the HR department of the parent company, and she was behind closed doors with our HR person.  I saw them carrying a stack of file folders, which today I know represented the people who were going to be terminated.  I’m not proud when I say that I spent much of the night worrying if my name was on that list – or that felt a tremendous relief when I realized that my job is safe, for now, anyway.

So this has been a very stressful couple of days.  Did I worry?  Yes.  Did I pray?  Absolutely – pretty much all night long.  And here’s the big question:  Did I turn to food for comfort?  Or to forget?  Or to ease the pain?  I DID NOT!  A couple of times I thought about food – but ultimately I remembered that I would not feel better if I stuffed my face.  The fears would not go away; the pain would not diminish.  And I triumphed!  At any other point in my life, the FIRST place I would have turned would have been the refrigerator or the pantry.  Last night, I didn’t eat anything more than I would have normally eaten.  HURRAY!  Maybe, just maybe, I’m getting the hang of this.

When I came in this morning, I was resigned to whatever happened, although I must admit that I was expecting to be laid off.  I believe that my God is BIGGER than this – and that He will take care of me, even when I don’t see how that is possible.  He knows my needs – long before I’m even aware of them, and He loves me enough to take care of those needs, in His way and in His timing!  So, I was braced for the worst, and I know that if it had come, He would be there right beside me – all the way through it to the other side. 

My heart aches for those people who were dismissed today.  I believe that our company did everything they could to ease things for these people:  A decent severance package; information and contacts on finding new jobs; and assuring them that this wasn’t anything concerning job performance.  That doesn’t make it any easier for these people – and I am surrounding them with prayers, as they make this transition.  Their lives were turned upside down in a matter of minutes.  They have to pick up the pieces.  They have to file for unemployment, look for a new job, and wonder about things like finances and insurance in very difficult economic times.  For those of still here, we have been instructed to go about our business as usual, without congregating and working the “rumor mill.”  And we have been forcibly reminded that there are no guarantees, so I imagine that we will all be working a little harder – and looking over our shoulders a little more.